Too overfamiliar with my baby?

[NameChangeAsICouldBeOverReacting]

Trying to keep this vague as possible to remain as anonymous as I’d hate to be outed and cause family drama.

There’s been several things that have happened with my BIL and his newish girlfriend (they’ve been together 8 months) where I feel like my baby is almost a prop/new shiny object to them as they are overstepping boundaries to play families with him. I don’t know if I’m being overly sensitive, but I need to hear from others if this is normal behaviour or if it would also make you uncomfortable.

We live in the same town as my BIL and they will often stop by ours to see our baby and ask if they can do bathtime with us, but they never do this with my other BIL and his children. The focus only seems to be on our baby.

I’ve spotted the girlfriend taking photos of my baby on her phone when she’s been around him, but not to send to me or my husband, but I’ve not said anything in the past as I hate conflict, but thinking I should as I don’t know if she posts these on social media etc. My BIL also sends her photos of them when she’s not around and she will often ask to see photos of our baby as well.

They also constantly ask if they can babysit for us and we have agreed that they can next week when we go out next week for a meal as my parents or MIL aren’t free. The girlfriend has said she’s so excited as she absolutely loves our baby and it’s a dream come true to babysit them and my BIL then mentioned “it will be like us having our own baby”. They have never once asked to babysit my other BIL’s children, it is only ever for our baby.

There have been other moments which my SIL has called out as being a bit strange where they will almost act like a family with our baby and try and have special moments with them.

Am I being unreasonable to think there’s a strange obsession with our baby as this doesn’t happen with the other children in the family? Or is this normal excited new baby behaviour?

Learning to trust your gut as a FTM is difficult but very worth doing! This is not the last time you will have to stick your neck out and advocate for your child.

so your BIL and his GF turn up, take photos of your DC and push to baby sit and do bath times and your hand wringing but you don't like confrontation? Eh its time to snap out of that as you need to protect your DC. Your going to leave your baby with BIL and his new GF who seem to have a strange interest in your DC...Are you really going to leave your baby with this two?

@rogueone I was as I was thinking I was being maybe over precautious and maybe my anxiety was making me question things.
I don’t think there is anything sinister going on, more that they are trying to use my baby as a fantasy of having their own family.

I know for a fact that she’s CRB and DBS checked, so this is coming from a place of being broody.

@SettingPrecedents you are right, I think I need to take more of a stand and advocate for them. I’ve had to raise how kissing him is an issue with them as BIL gets coldsores and stop him pressuring me on giving the baby certain things when weaning, so I think I’ve been trying to pick my battles and look like I’m not being an overprotective mum.

You are entitled to be possessive, this is your baby. They aren't time share parents and your baby isn't a practice doll.

They sound too pushy. The BIL not handing your baby back immediately is a bad sign as he considers his own role to be as important as yours and it's not.

I would cancel the night out to give your self space to think and make an excuse about bath time, that the baby is getting too excited to sleep and settle down. Give you all some space as it's a bit overwhelming at the moment with these two trying to co parent.

If you feel uneasy I certainly wouldn’t be leaving my baby alone with them.

This 💯
Creepy as hell.
Where are the photographs ending up if she doesn't send them to you ?

Being DBS and CRB checked just means you have never before been arrested/charged/convicted for a crime. All teachers are DBS checked but you still get occasional teachers who turn out to be creeps (I have worked with one who later got convicted).

Having said that, it's extremely rare in women. But in the case of the anecdote I told upthread, the GF knew her BF was a paedo and still invited me and my LO to their house for playdate, invited us to their wedding etc. (I had the heeby jeebies about the bloke so I never let my LO out of my sight, but i didn't know he was a paedo back then.) So women can sometimes enable their partners to be creeps. The DBS is irrelevant.

@LadyEloise1 I’m assuming she just keeps them on her phone and it’s one of those things you never look back at, but maybe I’m being naive.

You’re worrying too much about what other people think. Who cares if they get a bit sad or other people roll their eyes? It’s your baby, you’re his mum, the decision is yours, and it’s better to be overprotective than the opposite.
The kissing when they have cold sores is bad, but BIL not giving him back to you when you ask is VERY bad.
Be firm. What’s right for you and your baby comes first. Feeding the mummy and daddy fantasies of BIL and his girlfriend, who he’s only known for a few months, is not something you should feel obliged to do.

are they trying for or dying for a baby? Is she desperate for a ring on her finger? Sometimes people dote over other people's babies in front of their partner just so they can show that they will be a good parent. Some even do same with animals.

Different in that we've been friends for about 15 years but when I see my friend with her new baby, as soon as baby is fed I'm hands out and I only give back if baby wants Mom or friend says "right, give her back!)" and that's with three of my own 😂😂. I would be different around a newish bf's sister but some people just have less inhibition.

I suspect yours is more appealing to cos they've presumably always known her, so they've been able to have those conversations from really early on, ooh imagine if that was our baby... Which might be cringey but I think it's just being young and in love and a big full on with it

They're probably just getting ready to have their own and will lose all interest once they do.

I wouldn't let anyone come over to do bath time. That's odd. It's wind down time with a parent. Perhaps you do need to gently step back.

Having CRB and DBS checked just means they don't have a conviction. They both have an unhealthy interest in your child. The keen interest to join in at bathtime is strange. The reason they haven't tried this with the other kids in the family is because they know the parents wouldn't put up with there OTT behaviour whereas they dont get the same challenge from you

What is your gut instinct actually telling you tho op?

That your BIL is a paedophile or that the GF is? Because if that's your actual concern then you surely need to be cutting all contact and speaking to the rest of the family? You say there's older nieces and nephews, did he take much of an interest in them as babies?

Should she be looking at photos of herself holding your baby and be imagining it being her holding her baby? No, but if she's always wanted kids, she's now in her 30s without them and a new relationship so not even at the ttc thing, a little bit of harmless imagining is just that. She doesn't want to be your child's Mom, she just wants to be A Mom.

It's also perhaps subconsciously a bit of road testing. How is he with the baby? How competent is he? How good are her instincts? How comfortable does she seem with kids?

No one can tell you the answer and of course no one wants to miss a red flag, but on the basis of some of these posts, I don't know how some people ever trust anyone.

If my friend asks so I want to come and help at Bath time for her 6 mo I'd say yes, not because I'm a paedophile bit because babies in baths are cute. They get over excited about ducks and bubbles and you can put bubbles on their head and make them look funny.

I do wonder if this was ops sister not dps brother if wanting to actively look after the baby would be seen as such proof of their perversion (leaving out the partner)

I love to bathe dgc, nothing sinister it’s just incredibly sweet, dgc loves a bath. We do lots of splashing and playing. I also love bedtime and story time.

The difference is that I would respect my dc and their partners boundaries. Dgc is their child not mine and I would never purposely do anything that made them uncomfortable. You need to communicate with them.

Sorry but unless you've had a near-miss experience then you might not understand. No one ever has "a gut instinct that someone is a paedophile". It's more of a something-feels-off feeling. And yeah, I've now known three people (one I worked with) who turned out to be convicted either of child sex offences, so it's tragically not uncommon.

And yes, I do trust some people. I create a kind of equation in my head that includes sex (female vs male), how long I've known them, their past behaviour/comments. Asking to do intimate stuff like changing nappies or bathtime scores highly on the weird-dodgy scale for me.

And I'm very proud that I kept my daughter safe from that toddler-paedo creep.

SleepingStandingUp I understand where you are coming from but you haven't been invited and neither has BIL. So it isnt a gender issue as both he and his GF are pushing for this. I have 4 DC and have never shared bathing experiences with anyone apart from MIL and my mother and fellow siblings. So it is interesting that this couple arent pushing themselves on anyone else in the family just the OP who has acknowledged she finds boundaries difficult.

Reinventinganna I agree as my MIL looked after my DC and was involved with first baths as was my mum but I can assure you my BIL and extended family or GF were not. So i think we should be clear about the OP as it isnt about grandparents looking after kids and bathing them

• I should say, asking specifically to do intimate stuff like nappies or bathtime scores highly on the dodgy scale for me.

Everyone I trust to look after my DD, they all do nappies or bathtime in a much more reluctant way. It's definitely not the main attraction of babysitting, unless you're weird! Who actually wants to clean a pooey bum?! And before I let them do full on babysitting, we would have gradually built up to that with semi-supervised playtime. It's just being sensible.

I have only a ew words to OP
Never let your BIL and his girlfriend alone with your baby, ever.

Do not leave them alone

Why are you trying to be “a cool FTM”? Your priority should be your baby and yourself. You have a gut feeling, and I did too reading what you wrote. They both sound creepy. Maybe they’re just naive and aren’t actually creepy, but you need to put some firm boundaries in place. Don’t let them babysit, don’t involve them in bath time, ask them both not to take photos of your baby; and reduce the a,Lunt of time they spend with your baby. At best they’re treating your baby as a toy.

Do NOT allow them to be alone with your baby ever. Sounds off to me and trust your gut. Nobody is that creepily obsessed with a baby!!!! I'm not like that with my nieces and I love them to pieces. I would feel uncomfortable doing bathtime with them it's so personal