To not want MIL for lunch tomorrow?

[Moonphantom]

I will say I do like my MIL generally. PIL died about 8 months ago so I feel mean about resenting her coming for Sunday lunch - but this will be the 5th time since Christmas. Everytime we have a free Sunday DH invites her over. Dh has said he will cook so really I have nothing to worry about. Dd and I were looking forward to a chill day tomorrow though. I'm just a bit sick of it. We are also quite skint - all PILs assets went to MIL but she never brings anything not even a bottle of wine.

Just a bit bored with it tbh.

Ha ha yes you are right, tbh dh said fgs don't bother but I felt guilty about resenting her visit and am now overcompensating!

@Moonphantom - I hope you don't mind me asking (I'm just not sure I understood your post) but does your DH have terminal cancer?

If I understood the situation correctly and he does have cancer, then I think he is trying to spend as much time as possible with his mother as he doesn't know when the last Sunday dinner will be (also with her age that is a factor too).

If I misunderstood, please accept my apologies but thinking about her age, he's also trying to make sure that he spends as much time as he can because he's clearly realised with the passing of his father, that time is precious with family.

I do grasp that you want to have some time that is just you, him and the kids without any other family but sometimes we have to accept that we don't know the day or hour that it will be our last with them so he's probably dealing with his grief by trying to spend as much time with his mother as he can.

Can you have a chat with him and say that while you understand what he is going through is very tough but that you would like to spend some nuclear-family time with him and the kids. Even if you got one weekend between now and Easter/St Patrick's Day/pick a date, then you'd be able to unwind. Currently as he's visiting his mum so frequently as are you, and every second weekend she is with you for dinner that you're feeling smothered at the moment and you need a little bit of breathing space. Do you feel up to having that chat with him? How do you think it would be received?

My mam recently died (it's been 8 weeks).. my dad is spoilt for where to go for his dinner! We are practically fighting over him!

Re: you being skint-just say "mil you are welcome to come anytime but we aren't having a full Sunday roast as money is tight and we can't afford it, we are having x,y,z instead". I assume then she'd either offer to pay for you go out to dinner or have a private word with your DH about money.

My dad is loaded since my mam died, has he given us anything? No, and I wouldn't expect it either! Who knows what might happen in a few years, he'd currently fit and well in late 60s but might end up needing care and it's a relief he has money in the bank should he need it later on!

Please try and be kind op, 5 times since Christmas is around every other week..does she come round any other time? Grief is lonely especially when everyone else gets back to normal once the funeral is out of the way.

You sounds like a genuinely brilliant person @Moonphantom. You are taking good care of your MIL (4-5 visits a week is not neglect!) you are caring for your brother and his family, and it’s not unreasonable to want a bit of downtime. You also sound like such a great mum - so many people don’t really appreciate their kids the way you sound to.

Try to take some of the constructive suggestions and ignore the guilt-tripping you are getting.

i hope the day is better than expected OP you do sound worn out, I hope you manage to enjoy some time with your lovely daughter

Again, read the posts, it's not about who's cooking, its the expense of a meal that they wouldn't be having otherwise.

Well, do you have to do anything in particular that requires extra energy? Is your MIL expecting you to be beautifully dressed or provide sparkling conversation all day? Surely you can just be yourself?

Yes I think this is totally acceptable. Next time I want to invite my elderly mother for the Sunday lunch im cooking, my DH will no doubt perfectly reasonably 'get me told' that I am not allowed to do this. I would of course be totally unreasonable to suggest that if he doesn't want to see her, he can entertain himself elsewhere ... 🙄

OP has already said that this isn't the case that they could just slob about.

Because he has terminal cancer and three children.

Sorry.😥

Who is this? Your H ? Or your brother (I can't find your post about this.)

Her brother has terminal cancer.

Can you ask her for Saturday evening if you are not going out? Then you will have Sunday to chill

You sound thoughtful and kind OP. 5 out of 8 Sundays so far is a lot to be hosting!!

Out of interest, did your PIL help you with childcare or house stuff when they were younger?

I’m massively resentful that we end up with 1 weekend a month dominated with a PIL visit for 2-3 nights 🤦🏽‍♀️ That’s 25% of weekends per year 😭 (I don’t have parents, so it’s all them). They’re not the type to help and expect to be entertained, fed and watered (actual make that “wined and dined”). Their contribution is the petrol cost to come to our house 😂 Awesome, what a treat!!

I’m resentful as I’ve got only so many years till my DC leave home. I’d hate to be an imposition. Hopefully I’ll be actually helpful, kind and non-judgemental to DCs’ other halves.

Like bugger am I sharing mother’s day this year!!

OP - you’re getting a hard time on here. You have so many caring responsibilities and there is precious left for your self or even you and your DH.

I remember when my inlaws moved house in their late 60s. We helped them moved but then every weekend after there was something else they needed us for. After about 3 months I said we wouldn’t be round the following weekend as we had things we needed to do on our own house. My goodness, you would have thought we’d said we planned to cook puppies and kittens on a bbq! The emotional blackmail that came out was dreadful.

I would try to relax this arrangement a little month by month - perhaps as suggested by PP have a weekend a month off to begin with, then make it an arrangement for a different time of the weekend etc. You are doing your MIL no favours by having this very regular arrangement- it could stop her seeing friends or adapting to her new life. Try to help her remain as independent for as possible as possible.

I'm widowed and the meal I miss the most is Sunday lunch. In seven years no-one has ever invited me. I did go to a local pub once with my beloved late dog and had a pea risotto but felt so self conscious - and the curly pea shoots nearly choked me! My aunt is widowed and really jealous of her widowed friend, her NDN gives her a roast dinner on a plate every Sunday.

I think once a month would be a treat, on the last Sunday maybe?

Some of these posts are really cruel and makes you think what makes people want to be like that?

But lots are understanding and some more firm and practical. It's good to have a reality check. Thanks.

Just to say again that I really like my MIL. We've always got on well. When my PIL was in hospital I visited twice a day - he wouldn't let anyone feed him but me. The day he died my brother told me his cancer had spread and he was not expected to recover. He is actually doing really well at the moment but needs a lot of support which I am helping him and my SIL (who I think is on here!) with, not to mention my nieces and nephews. He also lives almost 3 hours away. My work has been brilliant. Dd has been brilliant. Dh has been brilliant. I just want a Sunday with absolutely no commitments except dd and dh.

I've read OP's posts but I don't see where she said MIL makes slobbing about not an option? She likes a roast, but the husband is making that so I don't see why OP can't relax on the sofa in front of the box?

Out of interest, did your PIL help you with childcare or house stuff when they were younger?

Actually, practically no. FIL was financially generous but MIL never babysat.

I just couldn't. Maybe that's where my problem lies, but if I have anyone round I like to act like a host.

It’s completely okay for you to feel this way @Moonphantom - you are running on empty and soon you will be completely burnt out.

You need to communicate this very clearly to your DH until he gets it, and agree that you must have one weekend a month, absolutely with no exceptions, to rest and recuperate on whatever way you need. This is really important for your wellbeing and that of those you are doing so much for.

Try to shift this a little in small steps so that you get used to not pouring out so much. You need to prioritise other things now, rather than being silly about things that don’t really matter all that much.

If had a 'lazy pjs Sunday' snatched away from me at the last minute, I'd feel aggravated too! Even if it was someone I really like and enjoy spending time with.

OP isn't even saying she can't come, just having a bit of a moan, what's the big deal? I also had a good laugh at the posters telling her to go 'run errands' or book into a hotel 😅.

I would definitely tell DH that the next free Sunday is a guest free zone. Everyone needs a bit of time to themselves.

Yes. MIL is quite old fashioned (well she's 80!) so already has a hard time accepting that dh cooks lunch
I think she'd have a conniption if I left him to it and sat on the sofa with dd watching Physical 100 on Netflix 😄

I really think that you need to think about not doing what is expected, and doing what you are able to do comfortably.

Just because someone is over, doesn't mean that you have to be 'on' and hosting

In the kindest way, if MIL isn't pressuring you, then you're doing it to yourself. You obviously know her and get on with her, and she's not there for you to wait on her, she's there to spend time with her son while they grieve her husband/his father.

It isn't fair to do something like this because you "like" to feel you're doing a certain thing and then get resentful towards the person who isn't demanding it of you. She's long term family and your husband's mother, try to trust her a bit.

I'm very sorry about your brother. She might prove to be a good support to you in future when you need it.

If the cost of the roast is a problem, I don't think it's unreasonable to explain that you're struggling and would she mind chipping in a bit.