To not want MIL for lunch tomorrow?

[Moonphantom]

I will say I do like my MIL generally. PIL died about 8 months ago so I feel mean about resenting her coming for Sunday lunch - but this will be the 5th time since Christmas. Everytime we have a free Sunday DH invites her over. Dh has said he will cook so really I have nothing to worry about. Dd and I were looking forward to a chill day tomorrow though. I'm just a bit sick of it. We are also quite skint - all PILs assets went to MIL but she never brings anything not even a bottle of wine.

Just a bit bored with it tbh.

The OP'S husband is doing the cooking. He is the one who chooses to make a roast dinner. Perhaps he wants one, and OP couldn't be arsed.

You really don’t sound like a cow. You’re just venting. Maybe you need to do that to a friend who gets it and doesn’t think you are being a bitch - it’s easy to jump to that conclusion after reading the first post (as I did) but you never actually say that you are going to put a stop to the visits - and I don’t think you should because doing so would make you feel worse and may upset your dh - who sounds great. She must be a good mum to elicit such loyalty from him. You have been kind so far and I think you should continue. Having you all is keeping her well. If the visits stopped she might go into a decline then you would really have your work cut out for you.

How much extra is one roast dinner?

@jannier

I think it's the company not the food and I suggest op looks at this entirely different and doesn't change any personal plans for Mil.

However a roast dinner is pricey and adds up. We couldn't afford to host someone for a roast regularly.

You forgot the falling asleep after a roast dinner.

It’s not one extra roast dinner. It’s a whole roast dinner for 4 adults that isn’t in the family budget. If mil wasn’t coming they wouldn’t have a roast.

If you are skint a full roast dinner may not be on the menu, so it is not just an extra slice of meat, it is a whole joint of meat extra

She's 80 and recently bereaved..this is what family is for OP, picking up the pieces and looking after each other.

I do think the idea of one weekend a month non negotiable where it's just you guys to chill is a great idea though. Might implement that myself 🤣

@Loopyloooooo and OP is also helping pick up the pieces and supporting her brother and his family. Who is looking after OP?

We lost my dad five months ago and my mum has been spending a lot more time with us here or at hers , I would hate to think my husband was feeling so put out by it tbh it’s often him suggesting she join us for a meal etc - how was your relationship before the loss ?

I know it’s an imposition but I would keep putting up with this for a year after the bereavement and then talk to your husband about making it a bit less frequent/making other plans to see her. She may need things doing around the house or garden which could be a good reason to send him round to hers instead? Try not to give away how you’re feeling.

What a hateful, nasty comment!! I don't like the sound of you very much either!! Cruel and spiteful!

5 times since Christmas and your drained! Let’s not hope she doesn’t become frailer and you need to do more for her than just a Sunday dinner!
Having elderly parents children jobs etc etc is something many of us have and we just have to work around it! You can chill when she’s home or the following weekend since it’s not even every week.

I think YABU - a bit - but you ANBU to want some Sundays just to be downtime with no sports, no hosting. Maybe you should schedule some of these in ie tell your dh not to invite anyone on x or y date?

In response to a different poster it is not unreasonable at all to expect someone of 80 (or 90) who can afford it to sometimes contribute to a meal or invite family for a meal out. Just because you no longer cook doesn't mean you can't entertain.

One day this will be you; your husband gone and those family days just a memory. Your husband seems lovely and the only reason you have such nice partner is because of this woman. To me it’s non negotiable that you’d welcome her into your home if that’s what your husband wants right now.

What I do think you should talk about, is a more natural ‘come as you find us’ attitude for her visits. She’s family, not the queen.

I’m a lone parent of an only child and I’d hate to think there’ll be a DIL like you in my future.

I’d say that having her round at the weekend once a fortnight isn’t a big thing. It’s been less than a year and she’s lonely.

However, you can choose the meal and if you want it to be low-key and doing other things rather than sitting in a circle chatting all afternoon, that’s your choice. It’s up to you to set the tone of the afternoons.

If a roast is too expensive, tell your DH to tell her next time he invites her ‘Woukd you like to come over for lunch on Sunday. We will be having pasta this week’ if it would help to prepare her in advance. Or it might be best not to warn in advance and that’s just what you dish up.

The food is totally up to you. Even if she comments on it not being a roast, you can just breezily say ‘oh we don’t tend to eat roasts so much now’ or ‘we like to mix it up a bit at the weekend’ or if you want ‘we don’t have roast every week as everything’s gone up in price so much. We have it sometimes but not as regularly as we used to’.

In the afternoon, it doesn’t have to be a case of sitting on ceremony. You can be pottering about as can the rest of the family - in and out. If someone needs to explain that to her, it’s easily done by your DH
’Mum, we’re really glad to have you with us each fortnight. You’re feeling like part of the furniture now, so hope you don’t mind if we do a bit of pottering about and getting some of the bits and bobs we need to do for the week ahead done, rather than sitting all afternoon’.

Make it work for you. She’s lonely and coming round twice a month isn’t a big ask for a widow who’s not even reached the year mark yet. Accept that, but make it work for yourselves too.

5 times since Christmas is almost every week so that's a pretty regular commitment. And no, there will never come a point where the OP has to do more for her husband's mother. She may choose to but the buck stops with him.

To me it’s bad manners to bring nothing - a bottle of wine would cost no effort, or she could offer to make or buy a pudding. If she came only very occasionally that might be different, but 5 times since Christmas?

I agree that it’s good to have a bit of empathy and know one day you could be in her position, plus as she gets more elderly, she might have much greater needs than this. It’s at points like this we do have to be willing to make some sacrifices for family. It’s not always easy, but we just have to do it. It’s the right thing.

She isn’t drainés with 5 Sunday lunches since Christmas. She is drained because she has other commitments, not least supporting her terminally ill brother and his 3 young children.

My mum loves a pizza… she was also doing tequila rose shots on her 79th birthday! Might all change next year though

At no point did I say she had to do it and her husband didn’t, but since it’s her mother in law would think she might want to have her round and it’s lunch not full time care! Get perspective before quoting me.

It is a lot to suddenly have someone extra in the house.

Because you are dealing with your brother as well, I'd say your resources are pretty low.

You are burnt out, that's why you don't have energy for 'visitors' because even though your DH is cooking, you still have to be on your best behaviour and making conversation instead of lying low and trying to recoup energy to face next week.

It's quite understandable, I'd feel the same as you.

I think what I would like EVERY daughter-in-law with a son is to fast forward 20 years or so and try to envisage your own role as a mother-in-law (because you WILL - probably - become one).

Imagine how you will act and would like to be treated by your own precious son and his future partner - perhaps there would then be a little more empathy.

As for the OP, treat her like a family member and not a GUEST, slop around in your relaxing clothes (yes, perhaps not PJs), let your husband cook, watch TV with her and the children and just stop RESENTING her!

I think people haven't read the bit where OP states in addition to the fortnightly roast lunch hosting they also see DMIL a minimum of four times during the week, as well as OP providing support to her terminally ill brother.

OP as others have suggested I wouldn't make a deal of it, I'd just scale it back a bit. Start wearing your comfy clothes, eating cake, doing a pasta bake instead of a roast , offering tea and coffee instead of wine etc and if MIL questions it just be friendly but honest - you want to relax, don't want the effort/expense of regular roasts etc. that's not unreasonable.