To not want MIL for lunch tomorrow?

[Moonphantom]

I will say I do like my MIL generally. PIL died about 8 months ago so I feel mean about resenting her coming for Sunday lunch - but this will be the 5th time since Christmas. Everytime we have a free Sunday DH invites her over. Dh has said he will cook so really I have nothing to worry about. Dd and I were looking forward to a chill day tomorrow though. I'm just a bit sick of it. We are also quite skint - all PILs assets went to MIL but she never brings anything not even a bottle of wine.

Just a bit bored with it tbh.

Exactly this ^!!

Do some of you ignorant, rude posters just not bloody read the thread? What part of the OP IS SUPPORTING HER DYING BROTHER AND HIS 3 CHILDREN didn't you get???

Even in the light of the OP posting this, the vitriolic comments keep on coming?! What is wrong with some of you people?!

@Moonphantom please don't take the nasty comments to heart; in fact, just ignore them. Of course you want to spend time with your DD before she goes off to uni. You are doing the best you can to support your MIL clearly. You have the worry of and support for your brother and his family - whatever some idiots here say, your MIL doesn't trump that!! You are stretched to the limit, it's clear. You've also been bereaved of your FIL, and supporting your DH and DD following it. It's really not a big ask to have a relaxed Sunday.

You need to practice some self care or you will burn out altogether. Definitely lay down some ground rules about how it will be when your MIL is in your home. She can't expect a roast dinner every time - it's about the company not the food. It's perfectly acceptable to offer her something easier and cheaper, and she isn't paying for it, so should be grateful! Don't let her presence prevent your Sundays being relaxing - and why does there need to be pudding and wine? If she wants those, let her bring them.

I'm so sorry about your brother - that's such a tough situation. I wish people here had some empathy but all too many don't. Talk about kicking someone when they're down.

Look after yourself and as I said, ignore the nasties xx

I totally get you-family life is so busy, some people don’t understand there are families that really get hardly any days just as a family. Some of my friends have time in the week together, so not everyone can appreciate how much other families just need a chilled pjs Sunday (not MIL there or anyone else). I know its a difficult time for her, but you do also need your own family time.

Does your DH ever pop over just to take her out for a coffee or lunch to help with her loneliness? Or just to take the kids over to see her without you?

At 80 she is still young enough to volunteer or get involved in things.
My Mum's friends in their early 80s are having a whale of a time.
Volunteering, going to the WI, playing card games at other people's houses, driving to out of town shopping centres, going out to lunch or even keep fit classes.

I'd encourage her to get out more and also ask your H to break the pattern.

BUT she has been to you once every 3rd week or so?

My parents alternated between my grans for years (one came one Sunday, the other the next with my Dad driving 30 mins each way to collect them.)

@Moonphantom I hear you. Sounds like you have so much on, you must be exhausted. Your DH sounds like a good 'un though. I think you do just need to suck this up but chat to DH about having at least one Sunday every month to yourselves. Also, instead of a roast how about toad in the hole, pork chops, and the like to reduce cost.

Sherry and pudding also sound like excellent strategies!

Especially since of all meals a roast is the easiest to extend to an extra person, well it is if the extra is an 80 year old since I don’t imagine an 80 year old demolishes as much food as an 18 year old with hollow legs.

But if you can’t afford a roast @viques?

Should the MiL have some empathy for the OP?

Yanbu

She could bring you flowers or something to contribute

Also I would just make what you like, she has to fit in

My df is 92, he often pays for our lunch out.
He isn’t spending a quarter of his pension and enjoys treating us.

God! I've been getting it totally wrong. Evidently I need to stop shopping in Cos and start buying my clothes in the Edinburgh Woollen Mill. Need to stop the solo ten mile hikes and the impromptu trips to Nepal too. Mind you, I'm only 75 so I may yet morph into the cauliflower perm, daytime soaps, and weeing on the floor. I'll be sure to consult MN for guidance when the time comes.
I'm one who remembers the time when the only Pizza Expresses were in Soho and Notting Hill and were totally new and cool (as in Mick Jagger at the next table). I thought my generation practically invented pizza as a thing. I also take my children out for meals and pick up the tab (mostly)
When I was widowed my main concern was never to be a drag on my children. I have a horror of being an imposition and a bore.
Adjustments needed on both sides OP, but you're not being unreasonable.

Especially since of all meals a roast is the easiest to extend to an extra person,

But it isn't their usual Sunday meal and is definitely more work than pasta etc as well as being more expensive.
Particularly if wine and puddings are expected.

A full Sunday lunch with wine and pudding is very different to the pgs and snacks day that OP craves after weeks of looking after her terminally ill brother.

I actually really like my MIL. She's lovely. I'm just absolutely knackered.

Would it work to change it from lunch to dinner from now on? Then you can still have a slob day but MIL still visits??

Thats really not a nice comment to make.

Families that have been non stop all week (as it sounds like this family are), also need some time just to relax at the weekend, no guests, so time constraints, no need to get dressed etc). People do get burn out and clearly the OP is feeling that.

@Moonphantom

I'd be really honest with her and say you don't mind her coming but you are struggling financially and if she wanted to bring a contribution eg wine, or something for pudding then that would be nice.

There have been 7 Sundays since New Years Day and 8 since Christmas. That means the op has only had 2 or 3 Sundays without her mil. When does she get to see her own family or friends for Sunday lunch if she wants.

I did suggest that but she likes to go to bed early.

I'm going to book some time off work the week before Easter and hard as it will be I am going to spend two of those days with dd not my brother (unless he goes rapidly downhill) or my MIL.

Dh doesn't want me to say that.

Honestly making a roast and pudding with wine or sherry twice a month is expensive!

Anyway my lovely neighbour gave me loads of eggs so I'm going to make a pavlova.

Surely there's nothing stopping her from going out while her DH hosts his mum?

I haven't seen my friends for ages 😪

She must still be desperately lonely op and grieving and it must be difficult for your dh to see her alone.
Can you spend time introducing her to local clubs for her age group in the community?
Rather than quietly seethe about the situation,see if there's anything else you can do to help her whilst supporting your dh with the result that you get some Sunday's back.
can you see her a weeknight or two instead ?
Research maybe a bereavement club?
ask what her interests are or whether she would like to join anything,maybe you could go with her initially.
I'm sure there's an answer,but helping her to build a new network of friends and interests now may lessen your load going forward.good luck.🌈

I think it’s nice of your husband to be thinking of how his mother is feeling inviting her. Also making dinner. It’s what families tend to do. If it was your own mother wouldn’t you want to do the same and expect him to support you?

She actually has a really nice little group of friends.

See there you go getting roped in to making a bloody pavlova. I thought DH was cooking?

Please take care of yourself@Moonphantom.

She might look forward to it, not only for the company. Elderly neighbour told me that once her husband passed away, she no longer cooks a roast. She'll just buy a small piece of meat. She won't bake herself a cake either so every time I bake a cake I take her a few slices over which she is very grateful for.