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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want MIL for lunch tomorrow?

337 replies

Moonphantom · 25/02/2023 15:23

I will say I do like my MIL generally. PIL died about 8 months ago so I feel mean about resenting her coming for Sunday lunch - but this will be the 5th time since Christmas. Everytime we have a free Sunday DH invites her over. Dh has said he will cook so really I have nothing to worry about. Dd and I were looking forward to a chill day tomorrow though. I'm just a bit sick of it. We are also quite skint - all PILs assets went to MIL but she never brings anything not even a bottle of wine.

Just a bit bored with it tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moonphantom · 25/02/2023 19:38

Dishwashersaurous · 25/02/2023 19:37

I really think that you need to think about not doing what is expected, and doing what you are able to do comfortably.

Just because someone is over, doesn't mean that you have to be 'on' and hosting

Yes especially as this is going to be a long term thing and at some point my lovely brother will die.

I'm actually quite worried about myself.

OP posts:
ReneBumsWombats · 25/02/2023 19:41

I'd actually feel very sad if I had been in a family a long time and thought we all got on, but someone still didn't feel able to relax around me and thought they had to be "on" as a host rather than treating me as family.

I don't say that to have a go. I just mean you may be surprised at how fine MIL is likely to be with you not being "on" and how she may even prefer you not to be. You say she's nice.

TangledWebOfDeception · 25/02/2023 19:41

Moonphantom · 25/02/2023 19:36

Yes. MIL is quite old fashioned (well she's 80!) so already has a hard time accepting that dh cooks lunch
I think she'd have a conniption if I left him to it and sat on the sofa with dd watching Physical 100 on Netflix 😄

Show quote history

But she’d really be perfectly fine, wouldn’t she!

She might even secretly enjoy doing something completely different and out of the ordinary with you and DD.

bussteward · 25/02/2023 19:50

TangledWebOfDeception · 25/02/2023 19:41

But she’d really be perfectly fine, wouldn’t she!

She might even secretly enjoy doing something completely different and out of the ordinary with you and DD.

Show quote history

Yes, I was going to say this! She might enjoy the distraction/change of pace/“bending the rules”. She might surprise you.

diddl · 25/02/2023 19:52

I just couldn't. Maybe that's where my problem lies, but if I have anyone round I like to act like a host.

Even if you managed to not act like a host, depending on what a "chill" day is for you & your daughter it still might not work with MIL there.

EL8888 · 25/02/2023 19:53

I don't know what she's dictating so much for other people, even though it's not her house e.g. what everyone wears, what food is served, what time it is served etc 🙄. Last time l had dinner at MIL's she served what she wanted, l was polite and ate it

She's never worked so is lucky enough to not realise weekends are typically for a mix of chores and trying to recharge batteries. But that is the reality for most people. Plus the situation with your brother, which must be really hard. Your MIL and husband should be more understanding

aloris · 25/02/2023 19:55

To me this seems like a marriage problem. Your dh presumably knows you are burnt out and that you have your own brother to worry about but he's still using up all your Sunday downtime with his mum, spending family money on expensive roasts, and having everything the way she likes it without really accounting for your reasonable needs, e.g. roast instead of pasta bake, hosting and entertaining her instead of asking her to blend in around what the family is doing that day, etc.

In the big picture where your needs matter as a person, and to your husband, this is a problem that should be easy to solve. How hard is it to just decide together with your husband, ok next weekend we will have a chill day, no visitors, then back to the grind of caring for family the following weekend. It's not a lot to ask frankly. You should be able to say, "I'm burnt out, I need a weekend of no hosting" and his response should be, "Understood, let's take a weekend off next week." And yet you are in this situation where you want a chill Sunday, one chill Sunday, and you can't get it. Why?

Hellybelly84 · 25/02/2023 19:55

Moonphantom · 25/02/2023 19:29

Some of these posts are really cruel and makes you think what makes people want to be like that?

But lots are understanding and some more firm and practical. It's good to have a reality check. Thanks.

Just to say again that I really like my MIL. We've always got on well. When my PIL was in hospital I visited twice a day - he wouldn't let anyone feed him but me. The day he died my brother told me his cancer had spread and he was not expected to recover. He is actually doing really well at the moment but needs a lot of support which I am helping him and my SIL (who I think is on here!) with, not to mention my nieces and nephews. He also lives almost 3 hours away. My work has been brilliant. Dd has been brilliant. Dh has been brilliant. I just want a Sunday with absolutely no commitments except dd and dh.

Some people really are cruel 😩and you are doing nothing wrong wanting a day just for your family. You totally deserve it.

I would block out weekends in your diary (or at least Sundays) that are absolutely just for your family. Nothing at all to be booked/arranged. We do this anyway (without juggling all the things you have going on). Time with your own family (doing nothing) is so important especially for mental health.

Does your MIL have friends near her she could see on weekends you dont see her? Does she go to any groups (church groups, coffee mornings etc). You could try and encourage these aswell to help with loneliness as much as possible.

LookItsMeAgain · 25/02/2023 19:56

I'm so sorry that I misunderstood who was terminally ill.
Sending you strength to get through the difficult times ahead.

aloris · 25/02/2023 20:02

diddl · 25/02/2023 19:52

I just couldn't. Maybe that's where my problem lies, but if I have anyone round I like to act like a host.

Even if you managed to not act like a host, depending on what a "chill" day is for you & your daughter it still might not work with MIL there.

That is how I would feel. I just can't relax with people around who are not the nuclear family. Even if they are lovely people.

Mammyloveswine · 25/02/2023 20:08

Op I think if you had put in your original post about caring for your terminally ill brother all week then you would have had totally different responses from those that have been less than kind.

Have you had a frank discussion with your DH? What has he said?

I'm so sorry about your brother, I'm pleased that he is currently doing well and that you all cherish the time you have and make some lovely memories.

Original poster
Moonphantom · 25/02/2023 20:16

Mammyloveswine · 25/02/2023 20:08

Op I think if you had put in your original post about caring for your terminally ill brother all week then you would have had totally different responses from those that have been less than kind.

Have you had a frank discussion with your DH? What has he said?

I'm so sorry about your brother, I'm pleased that he is currently doing well and that you all cherish the time you have and make some lovely memories.

Perhaps.

I didn't originally want to go into so much detail.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moonphantom · 25/02/2023 20:18

Mammyloveswine · 25/02/2023 20:08

Op I think if you had put in your original post about caring for your terminally ill brother all week then you would have had totally different responses from those that have been less than kind.

Have you had a frank discussion with your DH? What has he said?

I'm so sorry about your brother, I'm pleased that he is currently doing well and that you all cherish the time you have and make some lovely memories.

Also some of the most nasty posts came after my post about ny brother- of course they may not have read them or perhaps they just don't care.

OP posts:
Peachy2005 · 25/02/2023 20:19

DH should mention to his mum that OP is having a tough time with all that’s going on. It might do MIL good to focus on something outside of her own situation from time to time.

In this situation, OPs brother takes precedence over MIL who is widowed almost a year…sorry!
OPs DH needs to take OPs exhaustion and stress into account and take his mum out to Sunday lunch the next few times, and if she ever offers to pay he should let her.

Mammyloveswine · 25/02/2023 20:21

I get that op it just changes the dynamic quite drastically!

Is your husband supportive of you now you are dealing with this terrible news of your brother?

I asked before also have you had a frank discussion with him, fully serious so he can't just dismiss you?

Mammyloveswine · 25/02/2023 20:23

@Moonphantom I suspect a lot won't have read (or would hope that had been the case!).

Anyway ignore anyone very unkind.

BigFeelingsMoment · 25/02/2023 20:23

Hold strong @Moonphantom. Ignore the nastiness, they either didn’t read your posts or they are not good people.

You really sound like the kind of person everyone would be lucky to have in their life. Say to your DH that you need to book a slobby Sunday 1-2 per month minimum. You are owed this.

Ames85 · 25/02/2023 20:24

You can’t pour from an empty cup. It sounds like you have a lot going on
and it’s perfectly reasonable and normal to crave a chill day. Hopefully you and your husband can agree to block off some of those days on the calendar. You can only give so much of yourself to others before you burn out. Look after yourself too x

MadinMarch · 25/02/2023 20:29

Why don't you just tell her - look sorry you're sad and lonely but it's really not our problem, can you just stay away? Instead of inviting her begrudgingly once a fortnight through gritted teeth then resenting her presence?

I completely missed the bit where you explained why you can't go for a walk, either with her or before lunchtime, make a cake with DD either before she gets there or while she's there, and watch TV with her in the house. She's a member of your family so why not treat her like one...

@LordEmsworth Good post!

Op-You sound so heartless! I hope you remember your current attitude if you ever find yourself in a similar situation.

Peachy2005 · 25/02/2023 20:30

@Moonphantom of course you didn’t want to go into so much detail with your brother’s wife being a Mumsnetter. People could just have taken you at your word that you have other things going on in your family but that’s not how people behave here: they feel entitled to every gory detail and to rip other posters to shreds.

If it’s any consolation, I don’t believe the nasty posts were from people who had bothered reading more than your 1st post. I don’t understand why people don’t use the “See All” button at the bottom of the OP. I think people just read the first post and then go on a rant, and then OPs who are defending themselves are accused of drip feeding stuff they had wanted to keep private. I think it’s one of the worst things about the site (apart from the fact any post could end up reprinted in the gutter press).

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 25/02/2023 20:32

ReneBumsWombats · 25/02/2023 19:41

I'd actually feel very sad if I had been in a family a long time and thought we all got on, but someone still didn't feel able to relax around me and thought they had to be "on" as a host rather than treating me as family.

I don't say that to have a go. I just mean you may be surprised at how fine MIL is likely to be with you not being "on" and how she may even prefer you not to be. You say she's nice.

Good point, worth broaching with DH

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 25/02/2023 20:35

MadinMarch · 25/02/2023 20:29

Why don't you just tell her - look sorry you're sad and lonely but it's really not our problem, can you just stay away? Instead of inviting her begrudgingly once a fortnight through gritted teeth then resenting her presence?

I completely missed the bit where you explained why you can't go for a walk, either with her or before lunchtime, make a cake with DD either before she gets there or while she's there, and watch TV with her in the house. She's a member of your family so why not treat her like one...

@LordEmsworth Good post!

Op-You sound so heartless! I hope you remember your current attitude if you ever find yourself in a similar situation.

Yup, so heartless visiting her widowed MiL in the week and looking out for her terminally ill brother too.

BigFeelingsMoment · 25/02/2023 20:36

MadinMarch · 25/02/2023 20:29

Why don't you just tell her - look sorry you're sad and lonely but it's really not our problem, can you just stay away? Instead of inviting her begrudgingly once a fortnight through gritted teeth then resenting her presence?

I completely missed the bit where you explained why you can't go for a walk, either with her or before lunchtime, make a cake with DD either before she gets there or while she's there, and watch TV with her in the house. She's a member of your family so why not treat her like one...

@LordEmsworth Good post!

Op-You sound so heartless! I hope you remember your current attitude if you ever find yourself in a similar situation.

Shame on you @MadinMarch and @LordEmsworth. You are either very poor at comprehension or are just awful people.

She and her DH see her MIL four times a week anyway not counting Sundays. She doesn’t begrudge Sundays, she just felt rather desperately in need of a Sunday off as she is also caring for her terminally ill brother and his family. When her father in law was alive she visited the hospital twice a day to feed him. She is good people. Shame on you.

aswellascanbeexpected · 25/02/2023 20:58

I’ve just read all your threads, and I’m so sorry about you are facing with your brother
With regards to you MIL, well, console yourself that your DD is seeing family love and support in action.
And just keep your pjs on, load up the film, make that cake if you can get into the kitchen, and show your MIL family love and support in action.
💐

MadinMarch · 25/02/2023 21:14

@BigFeelingsMoment
Just for the record, my understanding is that op sees her mil once a week in the week and roughly every other Sunday (five times since Xmas). It's not as if she has no down time ever on a Sunday
Mil is 80, and recently bereaved, so no, I don't think she's being very reasonable.
Having said that, I posted before the huge drip feed about her brother being ill. He does have a wife though, who presumably is doing the majority of the caring for him, although I also appreciative that it takes an emotional toll.
Sometimes life is a bit tough and you have to give time to others