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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

9yr old and knife

193 replies

Rabbitheadlights · 25/02/2023 11:18

So ... My 9yr old just picked up a butter knife and threatened my 7yr old with it ... In a half joke half serious manner (they were bickering about something or other) Well, I absolutely lost it. I told him to go get dressed and that I was taking him to the police station, that he should say goodbye to his siblings, and take one last look at his bedroom because he was going to jail for a very long time and he would be an adult by the time he got out!

I was kind of lost in how angry I was, for context a friend's son was murdered age 16 in January last year and although we aren't very close it was just far too close to home for me and it's something I think about often.

So my AIBU is should I have been able to control my reaction?

He was really scared, crying asking me not to take him etc ... But all I could think was good, I'm glad he's scared.

We have spoken now and I have told him that I won't be taking him to the police station but that if he ever was to do do anything like that again I absolutely will! but I haven't apologised for my reaction because I need him to understand how serious this is.

But I don't know, was it too much?

Tia

OP posts:

EarthlyNightshade · 26/02/2023 10:42

neverbeenskiing · 26/02/2023 10:36

I'm sorry this happened to you. My DH experienced similar, at 10 years old his DF theatrically packing his bags telling him he'd never see his family again and was on his own from now on. DH doesn't remember what he did wrong (so clearly no lessons learned!) he just remembers how awful he felt.

Having spent years working with both the victims and perpetrators of teenage knife crime, I am very aware of the risks. The reasons why young people carry knives are complex, but very often rooted in childhood trauma. Those patting OP on the back telling her that she has saved her DS from becoming a future offender and if more parents were like her there would be fewer knives on the streets, I'm sorry but that's nonsense.
As several posters have pointed out, there is a middle ground between doing nothing to tackle poor behaviour and screaming at your child that they're going to be locked up in jail and never see their family again. OP admits this was not a considered response, she lost her shit. We all lose our shit from time to time, but it's important that kids see their parents owning up to it and trying to put things right when it happens. OP could explain to her DS that what she said was wrong, but that she had such a strong emotional reaction because the behaviour he was displaying could have serious consequences out in the world. This would teach him that it's not acceptable to scream threats at people in anger, without undermining the message that it is dangerous to mess about with knives. But she's already said she's not sorry so there you go.

Show quote history

Did you post this without reading the updates?

Pianoaccordian · 26/02/2023 10:47

Rabbitheadlights · 26/02/2023 10:01

Thanks @Youainttheonlyone hopefully I've made the best of an awful situation and I can be more measured in the future if necessary.

It was never my intent to scare him or cause him trauma, I reacted in real time without thinking first which I will try to remedy moving forward.

I'm a good mum, I know I am, I'm grateful for the feedback on here it has provided food for reflection on my part and I will try to do better if the need were ever to arise again.

That sounds good OP, best of luck with everything.

purpledalmation · 26/02/2023 11:10

Say you wouldn't have done what you said but if he ever did hurt his brother with a knife, you would,have to do this. Explain why it's so wrong and why knives are so bad.

Forgooodnesssakenow · 26/02/2023 11:11

Rabbitheadlights · 26/02/2023 09:44

@Forgooodnesssakenow you haven't answered mine when I asked why you were making things up when you said I had "screamed" and threatened to "drag" my son to the police station.

The truth is I have no idea, but I wouldn't want to take that risk. I would like to believe not and knowing him and his nature I don't think he would but The chances are most of the people who have stabbed somebody probably never intended to stab anyone. "It was just for protection" or to "fit in" or "feel safer"

You said you'd lost it, told him to look around and say goodbye to his home and siblings while you got ready to take him to he police station to go to jail until he's an adult. I absolutely read that as screamed at him and threatened to drag him to the police station.

So you thought he was using the butter knife for protection? To look cool? To fit in? You say it wasn't a joke so you mean he intended to actually stab or at least threaten to stab his 7 yr old brother?

Rather than all the hyperbole about what can happen with knives what do you, in this situation,think your son intended to do with the knife?

Because if you believe he was intending to stab his brother he needs counselling.

If you with hindsight believe it was a joke your reaction was off the charts and you need to think about some trauma counselling yourself.

You can bleat about the reasons kids carry knives but that's not relevant to this situation is it?

Original poster

Rabbitheadlights · 26/02/2023 11:21

@Forgooodnesssakenow I think you have issues that are far beyond me, I'm happy you are the perfect parent and glad that you will never question your response to anything. Out of interest are you a politician? Your avoidance of questions is remarkable.

How you interpret what I said is irrelevant, that is not what I said! you read that I screamed and threatened to drag him that says something about you, not me.

OP posts:

Forgooodnesssakenow · 26/02/2023 11:25

Rabbitheadlights · 26/02/2023 11:21

How you interpret what I said is irrelevant, that is not what I said! you read that I screamed and threatened to drag him that says something about you, not me.

I'm far from the only one who read it like that.

zingally · 26/02/2023 11:38

TBH, it was a bit much of a reaction.

Plus, I don't like it when parents use the police as a threat. We should be teaching children that the police are there to protect us and keep us safe. Not to be the ultimate punishment.

Original poster

Rabbitheadlights · 26/02/2023 11:51

@zingally I covered this in my updates, he loves the police and is fully aware that they are there to help us. He is also aware that they are there to protect us (in this instance that would have been his brother) and to prevent crime and to punish those responsible for criminal behaviour (in this instance him).

OP posts:

user1496146479 · 26/02/2023 11:57

Cantdoitwontdoit · 25/02/2023 11:57

I did wonder why knife crime involving children seemed so much worse these days.

Not surprising seeing some of the replies on this thread.

@Rabbitheadlights do not apologise. You got angry for a very good reason, and he needed the shock to understand just how wrong what he did was. Even PLAYING with knives has gotten children killed. I doubt many of these posters would have been as calm if it had been your ds threatening their child with a knife.

Those saying you shouldn’t have yelled and threatened with the police are either in an environment where knife crime is seen as a far away problem and is unlikely to affect their dc, or theirs are the little shits running around with knives because mummy thought the appropriate punishment for the first offence was a calm cuddle and a conversation.

Totally agree with this!

user1496146479 · 26/02/2023 11:59

MatildaJayne · 25/02/2023 12:09

Personally I think you over reacted. My butter knife is more like a spoon than a sharp knife. It’s similar to threatening someone with a water pistol vs a real gun. It’s virtually equivalent to a toy. I know some parents ban toy guns etc, but many children play fight with toy swords, light sabres etc.

I think you were over compensating for your recent bereavement and can understand you losing it, but you did lose it! I’d be apologising for the ridiculous threat that he had to say goodbye to his home. That was just cruel.

Ffs! Even blunt items can cause injury/trauma!
Either by force or if the other person fails and impails themselves on it!!

GoodChat · 26/02/2023 12:08

zingally · 26/02/2023 11:38

TBH, it was a bit much of a reaction.

Plus, I don't like it when parents use the police as a threat. We should be teaching children that the police are there to protect us and keep us safe. Not to be the ultimate punishment.

Well he needs to learn that the police are there to protect us from people who act like he was acting. You can't say police protect us from the bad guys then let him act like a criminal.

MavisMcMinty · 26/02/2023 12:25

I think you “done good” OP, lessons have been learnt, and he won’t ever do it again. x

Justmeandthedog1 · 26/02/2023 12:28

Rabbitheadlights · 25/02/2023 11:22

@aSofaNearYou I think I'm going to have to, but should I apologise for it?

No, don’t apologise. Let it stand.
I had to have a similar reaction in a slightly different situation. It worked and saved the young person from potentially getting themself into serious trouble.

queenofthebongo · 26/02/2023 13:08

Sounds a bit harsh but I probably would have something similar. Just reinforce that you love him now. I might say 'sorry if I scared you but you must understand the seriousness of the situation' etc etc.

ThepicofmyhairymingeprovesIamsober · 27/02/2023 07:07

Rabbitheadlights · 25/02/2023 12:16

I will talk more later, but some of you are missing the point here, he was half joking but they were bickering so it wasn't totally innocent. He was in a disagreement and picked up a knife, yes a butter knife but a knife nonetheless. I honestly don't think I am sorry, I will talk to him and explain why I reacted the way I did and discuss my friend's son to give him context. But I think some of the responses on here are maybe why some kids think it's ok to carry knives??

OP doesn’t get as many pats on the back for her parenting method as OP had hoped so OP turns it around on parent’s who manage to parent their kid’s without putting the fear of God in them. Typical.
Then again OP if, as you now explain, your DS actively sought out a knife to threaten his DB with it is a little different, and if there’s the slightest chance that he’s inherited your nasty temper I would keep all knives out of his reach from now on.

Pardon45 · 27/02/2023 07:31

I wouldn't apologise. I would take him to the cemetery to see the boys grave and explain that someone hurt him with a knife. That's why we don't threaten people with a knife.

Original poster

Rabbitheadlights · 27/02/2023 09:06

@ThepicofmyhairymingeprovesIamsober 🤣 ok.

OP posts:

Eranzer · 27/02/2023 09:08

Nah, I think your reaction was bang on. Well done OP!

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