9yr old and knife

[Rabbitheadlights]

So ... My 9yr old just picked up a butter knife and threatened my 7yr old with it ... In a half joke half serious manner (they were bickering about something or other) Well, I absolutely lost it. I told him to go get dressed and that I was taking him to the police station, that he should say goodbye to his siblings, and take one last look at his bedroom because he was going to jail for a very long time and he would be an adult by the time he got out!

I was kind of lost in how angry I was, for context a friend's son was murdered age 16 in January last year and although we aren't very close it was just far too close to home for me and it's something I think about often.

So my AIBU is should I have been able to control my reaction?

He was really scared, crying asking me not to take him etc ... But all I could think was good, I'm glad he's scared.

We have spoken now and I have told him that I won't be taking him to the police station but that if he ever was to do do anything like that again I absolutely will! but I haven't apologised for my reaction because I need him to understand how serious this is.

But I don't know, was it too much?

Tia

Give him a hug and tell him that he really really scared you. Tell him that you don't want to have anything happen to him or his siblings, that you over-reacted but that was because you were scared. Explain that if he had really threatened someone, anyone with a knife you would take him to the police but you realise now that it was play fighting. But that play fighting can get out of hand and cause injuries and that's what you were scared about.

I don’t think you should apologise. He should be downright scared and he should be very well aware of the consequences. This is a learning moment for him.

i think you should carry this forward with what if he’s picked up a sharper knife or actually lunged at him. He may not have meant to hurt anyone but a child should be taught actions have consequences. And he needs to know and really understand what they might have been he’s old enough now to know better. Tell him what he did was stupid. You know yourself how much of an issue teens with knives are. By Carrying this through and making sure your kids will never pick up a knife in anger is stellar parenting in my book xx

I would expect this reaction from a kid actually grabbing a sharp knife to attack his sibling in anger. That is not what happened here, it was a butter knife and don’t in jest which are 2 completely different scenarios. I’m not into terrifying my kids to teach them life lessons, I’m an adult and wouldn’t want to be taught something in that way so why inflict fear on your kids? Just talk to them ffs.

Personally I think you over reacted. My butter knife is more like a spoon than a sharp knife. It’s similar to threatening someone with a water pistol vs a real gun. It’s virtually equivalent to a toy. I know some parents ban toy guns etc, but many children play fight with toy swords, light sabres etc.

I think you were over compensating for your recent bereavement and can understand you losing it, but you did lose it! I’d be apologising for the ridiculous threat that he had to say goodbye to his home. That was just cruel.

It was a butter knife. They're completely blunt. There was no danger or actual threat.
What you child has learned from this is that mummy is unstable and will go into a complete meltdown and threaten him over behavior that, while inappropriate, is ultimately harmless.
It is absolutely not ok that you found it satisfying to have your child scared and crying rather than actually and proportionately adress the issue with his behaviour.

Yeah you should, you lost your shit and traumatised a 9 yr old. You want HIM to have the emotional intelligence not to joke about a situation out with his experience but you lack the emotional intelligence to see it for a joke and explain in an age appropriate way.

Of course you were wrong, seek some counselling, don't take your trauma out on your children

I will talk more later, but some of you are missing the point here, he was half joking but they were bickering so it wasn't totally innocent. He was in a disagreement and picked up a knife, yes a butter knife but a knife nonetheless. I honestly don't think I am sorry, I will talk to him and explain why I reacted the way I did and discuss my friend's son to give him context. But I think some of the responses on here are maybe why some kids think it's ok to carry knives??

The naivety is disturbing/sweet.

Google ‘killed with butter knife’.

Or to save the eye bleach, maybe just believe the police.

Not an ideal response. He is going to think about what you said and very soon realise threatening him with jail until he is an adult is simply ridiculous and you have just undermined your authourity.

If it is a common response when they mess up - anger, losing control, meaningless threats - you should perhaps reflect on that and practice different parenting styles where you are firm but calm. If it is a one off, learn from it and move on.

You can be killed or injured with all sorts of innocuous objects though. You could get stabbed in the neck or eye with a pen or pencil.

The issue to deal with is that we don't threaten anyone with weapons. Whatever the weapon is.

All the ridiculous gentle hands parents will be out for your guts here, but you have out the fear of God in your kid and I would bet money that he won’t do it again. A bit OTT but sometimes kids need a metaphorical kick up the arse.
The only thing I’d stress to him is that the police are ultimately there to help people, not people to be afraid of, and if he is ever lost or in trouble he can always ask a police officer to help him.

You will genuinely take a 9 year old to the police station for jokingly wielding a butter knife? Really?

What if it had been a wooden play sword? (Which would inflict about the same damage as a butter knife)

That was a horribly triggering read, my mum used to do this. Said she was in the phone to someone to “take us away”, if we misbehaved … went so far as to get us to pack a bag. I remember her saying exactly the same things “take a last look around” etc, when I would be hysterically crying.

40 odd years on, and it still effects me. Reading that post brings it all back. I have asked my mother about it, she has no real explanation.

I have an explanation, vile, bullying behaviour from someone without a moments idea, of how her behaviour would have a life long impact. I still worry about abandonment, all these years later.

You child did something stupid, he didn’t deserve that response … maybe your own inability to control your emotions, and have an appropriate and adult response is the bigger issue.

Nah. I wish more parents would bloody go over the top in their reactions to shit like this. Rather than indulge their little emperors with cuddly chats.

Those saying you shouldn’t have yelled and threatened with the police are either in an environment where knife crime is seen as a far away problem and is unlikely to affect their dc

To be fair that is probably quite a lot of MN and yea of course that will inform responses. DH and I both grew up in very middle class homes in a time when kids were left to run pretty free. He and his brothers and my brother did a hell of a lot worse to each other than threatening with butter knives. But no one was ever at all violent in school or with anyone other than siblings and they are all incredibly gentle adults, none of whom have ever been in trouble with the police. So if one of my kids jokingly threatened another with a butter knife I would be cross and I would have a chat about accidents happening even if you pick up a potential weapon in jest, but my head certainly wouldn’t run to knife crime or the likelihood of one of them getting murdered.

I would have actually taken him to a station they'd show hin cells etc

My son stole a. Sweet once. I warned him id take him to station if he did again and he did..
I took him to station. They showed him the cells etc. He was terrified and never did it again. That was 10 years ago now

I had a lodger once (won't be happening again, that I am 100% sure of) who thought it was funny to make 'jokey' threats of knife violence to people.

All fun and games until they made one of the 'jokes' to the wrong person. Fortunately, they only got an almighty shit kicking from two people as a result, but it could easily have been met with a real knife.

Maybe if they'd have been met with a full on ballistic response when they were a child, they wouldn't have still been making such jokes as a fully grown adult. As it is, all your DS has to do is to say something similar as a teenager to somebody outside the family and there is a real chance that he could be seriously injured or even stabbed, whether by the person he threatens or by relatives/friends/other gang members.

I think you can apologise for the threats and extreme nature of your response, but use that as a spring board to talk about why you were so horrified, the very very serious nature of knife crime, the number of children dying , seriously wounded or imprisoned every week. Make it a productive conversation.

I’m willing to bet this was a frequent occurrence when you hadn’t done something particularly bad though. That’s a pattern abuse.

Surely you can see the difference between that and this one off?

I also did something stupid as a child that could have resulted in another’s death (tipping him upside down while he was eating). My usually calm mother did something very similar to the op. A similar bereavement also meant she was traumatised by choking.

It stayed with me and had the desired effect, I was a naturally boisterous child but never did anything like that again.

I was taught that the police were there to help me if I needed them.

Another part of the equation that seems to get left out these days though is that the police are there to catch/punish bad people. So don’t become a bad person.

I’m also quite dismayed to see so many dismissing a butter knife as ‘not a real knife’. Despite it being used before to kill. It certainly isn’t the equivalent of a ‘water gun’ to a gun.

Fantastic!

I wish more people would come in and do this. Prevention is a huge part of policing.

I think your reaction was fitting to the situation. He threatened somebody younger/more vulnerable with a knife. That is not ok, nor even the fact he thinks he can 'bully' agreement with a threat of violence. I wouldn't want my child brought up thinking that's ok, they need to use their words

I think you'll raise a fabulous human

Given the earlier death I do understand why you over reacted.

But you taught him an unfortunate lesson in hypocrisy ; that YOU make very serious threats you don't carry out, and never had any intention of carrying out.

Isn't that what he did with the butter knife, and you've just punished him for?

The best protection you can give your child, is to teach him to respect and value trust and integrity . You are the role model. Don't lie to him. Never make empty threats or promises.

But I think some of the responses on here are maybe why some kids think it's ok to carry knives??

Yeah, no…

I can confidently say I would have not dealt with that situation in anyway like you did & I can also confidently say my kids will never think it’s ok to carry a knife. There is a solid middle ground between those 2 things. You over reacted because you couldn’t control your own emotions.

KkDo you often see...

Knife wielding killer, product of a loving home? I don't think so. Much more kids who are traumatised from batshot crazy parents are going to be the issue!

So why ask? You're not sorry, you think what you did was fine, you thought everyone would agree.

Are you often this emotionally abusive in your parenting?