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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

9yr old and knife

193 replies

Rabbitheadlights · 25/02/2023 11:18

So ... My 9yr old just picked up a butter knife and threatened my 7yr old with it ... In a half joke half serious manner (they were bickering about something or other) Well, I absolutely lost it. I told him to go get dressed and that I was taking him to the police station, that he should say goodbye to his siblings, and take one last look at his bedroom because he was going to jail for a very long time and he would be an adult by the time he got out!

I was kind of lost in how angry I was, for context a friend's son was murdered age 16 in January last year and although we aren't very close it was just far too close to home for me and it's something I think about often.

So my AIBU is should I have been able to control my reaction?

He was really scared, crying asking me not to take him etc ... But all I could think was good, I'm glad he's scared.

We have spoken now and I have told him that I won't be taking him to the police station but that if he ever was to do do anything like that again I absolutely will! but I haven't apologised for my reaction because I need him to understand how serious this is.

But I don't know, was it too much?

Tia

OP posts:
YukoandHiro · 25/02/2023 16:06

Don't apologise. I'm guessing you were shouting a lot which isn't ideal but tbh taking him to the police station wouldn't have been a bad idea. Of course they wouldn't have 'done' anything, but they would have understood your parenting and given him a verbal chat

Rosebel · 25/02/2023 16:06

I think your reaction was a bit strong but don't blame you for it. Don't apologise to him. If you apologise he might see that as you saying you shouldn't have told him off and of course he needed to be told.
Draw a line under it. I'm pretty sure he won't do it again so that's positive.

Forgooodnesssakenow · 25/02/2023 16:09

Pianoaccordian · 25/02/2023 16:05

And people seem to be missing the point that it's out of control behaviour - which the OP has now perfectly modelled to her kids - that is a huge part of the problem with knife crime.
Not butter knives.

Absolutely this

ThepicofmyhairymingeprovesIamsober · 25/02/2023 16:34

oakleaffy · 25/02/2023 16:02

It’s easy to see why society has gone tits up with out of control kids with parents minimising bad behaviour .

”Oh it’s only a butter knife”
Missing the point entirely.

Knife crime amongst young kids is an increasing problem.
Hopefully OP’s son will not repeat it or escalate.

You don’t half spout some shit. Nobody is minimising anything. Everyone thinks OP’s son deserved a stern telling off and a talking to. Personally I think OP’s confusing, cruel, threatening style of parenting is more likely to cause delinquency in her children as they grow.

tiggergoesbounce · 25/02/2023 16:56

no not missing the point at all@tiggergoesbounce

You obviously are missing the point @pianoaccordian if you think i mean that gangs are running around with butter knives or you think i dont know the difference between a butter knife or a blade. And nowhere did i say the OP was running in gangs with knives 🙄
So you are misunderstood with these comments.

There may be what you think as "hysteria" on this thread but some people agree that if it happens again after being spoken to, that's not ok.
Knife crime is a problem.

Could you explain how you think the OPs reaction has any correlation to part of the problem with knife crime ??

tiggergoesbounce · 25/02/2023 16:58

Sorry @Pianoaccordian that should say nowhere did i say that the OPs child was running around in gangs

Original poster
Rabbitheadlights · 25/02/2023 17:08

I think we need to draw it to an end now people are getting quite ridiculous, making things up that I never said and the such.

I am happy that my parenting is not abusive, that I wasn't hysterical, that I did NOT scream, and I did NOT threaten to drag my son anywhere.

I was a lot louder than I would normally be, and much more firm but that's it.

I appreciate the feedback and will try to be more measured in future but the accusations of abuse, neglect causing delinquency in my child are utterly ridiculous!!!

OP posts:
Pianoaccordian · 25/02/2023 17:22

tiggergoesbounce · 25/02/2023 16:56

no not missing the point at all@tiggergoesbounce

You obviously are missing the point @pianoaccordian if you think i mean that gangs are running around with butter knives or you think i dont know the difference between a butter knife or a blade. And nowhere did i say the OP was running in gangs with knives 🙄
So you are misunderstood with these comments.

There may be what you think as "hysteria" on this thread but some people agree that if it happens again after being spoken to, that's not ok.
Knife crime is a problem.

Could you explain how you think the OPs reaction has any correlation to part of the problem with knife crime ??

It's the fact that you're talking about 9 year olds in gangs at all and that others are talking about blades - I think they're disproportionate responses to what the OP's son did here.

I do think that OP should have had a serious chat with him, explained the dangers and why she was scared etc.

Out-of-control behaviour is a big part of the problem with knife crime. Being so angry that you don't know what you're doing - OP says she was lost in her anger. Being aggressive (in this case towards young children) and threatening them with cruel punishment. That is not the sort of behaviour you want your child to emulate surely?

And presumably there was an innocent 7 year old listening to all this going on too.

tiggergoesbounce · 25/02/2023 17:44

It's the fact that you're talking about 9 year olds in gangs at all and that others are talking about blades - I think they're disproportionate responses to what the OP's son did here

My mentioning of gangs was in a response to someone telling me police wouldn't talk to a child about knives. I simply said they would as kids that age are already running in gangs. So i made no connection to OPs childs behaviour and gangs.

I do think that OP should have had a serious chat with him, explained the dangers and why she was scared etc.

Out-of-control behaviour is a big part of the problem with knife crime. Being so angry that you don't know what you're doing

Alot of youth knife crime is not about being so lost in anger, its about them carrying a knife for what they think is protection and reputation, alot dont ever intend on using it, its to scare, then they use because they have it. They dont see carrying knives as a problem.

OP says she was lost in her anger. Being aggressive (in this case towards young children) and threatening them with cruel punishment. That is not the sort of behaviour you want your child to emulate surely?

You talk of hysteria, i have never heard such a leap, as a parent being scared and angry and shouting at her child and threatening him with jail, becoming the problem of knife crime.
Of course, there are always better ways than shouting, but it's not to blame for knife crime.

And presumably there was an innocent 7 year old listening to all this going on, too

Yes, a child who saw their sibling get told off and shouted at for holding a knife to him, as thats not ok.

bagelbagelbagel · 25/02/2023 17:57

OP you said you absolutely lost it. People inferred from that that you lost control of yourself, which isn't too much of a stretch, is it?

Pianoaccordian · 25/02/2023 18:19

We'll have to agree to disagree @tiggergoesbounce. I think the OP went way too far here. I don't think she'll have helped her son. You and others obviously disagree, which I find a bit scary, but there you go.

MasterBeth · 25/02/2023 18:23

It wasn’t wrong for you to be angry. It was wrong for you to lie about what was going to happen to your son. A 9 year old is not going to jail until adulthood for weilding a butter knife.

Thinkbiglittleone · 25/02/2023 18:29

I can absolutely understand you being shocked and angry, with all what's going on and the recent death of the 16 year old close by due to knives.

Was it a bit OTT maybe,
was it abuse or scaring him for life, absolutely not. Grin

Thinkbiglittleone · 25/02/2023 18:34

Sorry I posted to soon OP.

At 9 he will already knows it's not a joke to be pointing knives at each other (or should do anyway) my 5 year old knows it's wrong.

It's good that you sat with him afterwards, he will hopefully understand the seriousness of knives now.

Greenfairydust · 25/02/2023 19:11

I think your reaction sounds completely deranged...

Yes your son son needed to be punished and to understand he should never threaten his brother, or anyone, this way event in jest but you are the adult here and your reaction was unhinged.

He is old enough to be have a serious conversation with about his actions and there was no need for the threats that you made.

Original poster
Rabbitheadlights · 25/02/2023 19:48

Again .... It wasn't in jest!!!! .... They were bickering. I said half jokey half serious because he tried to make it look like a joke but it plainly wasn't.

OP posts:
Dutch1e · 25/02/2023 20:08

ExtraOnions · 25/02/2023 12:22

That was a horribly triggering read, my mum used to do this. Said she was in the phone to someone to “take us away”, if we misbehaved … went so far as to get us to pack a bag. I remember her saying exactly the same things “take a last look around” etc, when I would be hysterically crying.

40 odd years on, and it still effects me. Reading that post brings it all back. I have asked my mother about it, she has no real explanation.

I have an explanation, vile, bullying behaviour from someone without a moments idea, of how her behaviour would have a life long impact. I still worry about abandonment, all these years later.

You child did something stupid, he didn’t deserve that response … maybe your own inability to control your emotions, and have an appropriate and adult response is the bigger issue.

I don't think this is fair. I also had a shit mum and I know the difference between a one-off highly-charged reaction to a potentially dangerous situation and a pattern of abusive behaviour like we suffered.

OP, let it be now. As other posters have said, it's a very good idea to speak with him about the death of your friend's son and how you never want to see your own boys either hurt or do something that will ruin the rest of their life. But I wouldn't apologise for being human. A lot of us have lost our rag at our kids over FAR less serious things... yours was well justified and your little boy gets to keep living in a loving home with the full understanding that we do not wave knives at people.

Forgooodnesssakenow · 25/02/2023 21:52

Rabbitheadlights · 25/02/2023 19:48

Again .... It wasn't in jest!!!! .... They were bickering. I said half jokey half serious because he tried to make it look like a joke but it plainly wasn't.

So then you think he intended to stab his brother?

GretnaGreenIsLovely · 25/02/2023 21:57

Mummyof287 · 25/02/2023 11:50

I told him to go get dressed and that I was taking him to the police station, that he should say goodbye to his siblings, and take one last look at his bedroom because he was going to jail for a very long time and he would be an adult by the time he got out!

This really is an incredibly cruel thing to say to a 9yo....apart from being completely untrue, imagine how scared and traumatised he must have felt in that moment believing that could actually happen!

I mean a butter knife isn't sharp or anything, is it?

He should definitely be firmly told not to wave knives about, but you can't put a 9yo jokingly waving a blunt knife around in the same camp as someone murdering someone else with one....it doesn't mean he is anything like the person who killed the 16yo, or ever will be.

I think you need to apologise profusely for your threat,explain the reasons behind why you overreacted and acknowledge how your reaction might have made him feel.Expect him to be quite clingy and insecure for awhile though....comments like that can be devastating for children.

This

GretnaGreenIsLovely · 25/02/2023 22:14

I have a 9 year old. I cannot imagine how scared he'd have been if I had acted as the OP did. It makes me feel quite sad thinking of this poor little 9 year old believing he was going to prison, had to say goodbye to siblings etc... He must have been terrified.

He's 9. He was half joking. It was a butter knife.

9 year olds are generally pretty innocent and I doubt would actually mean any serious harm. His actions in the context of a joke and sibling bickering, don't seem to warrant much more than a small telling off and explanation of why we don't threaten people and use "weapons". If there was more to it, and said 9 year old isn't as innocent as most, then that would indicate far wider issues with the family and parenting to be honest, and I'd be concerned where the child was picking up this behaviour.

Children of a young age are generally mirrors of what they see around them. Don't like what you see OP, then look in the mirror and think of less violent ways to parent.

OctaviaOwl · 25/02/2023 22:24

Totally unbelievable overreaction.

VladmirsPoutine · 25/02/2023 22:40

This going to be etched in his memory forever. Wow.

nutroasty · 25/02/2023 23:29

Unless this incident is part of a pattern of threatening violence, I am shocked by your response and think you need counselling to deal with your trauma more than your son needs disciplining. There is a hell of a lot of nuance that you're not seeing in his behaviour because you're blinded by your own fear. Ruling kids by fear only works for as long as you can keep them scared. You've achieved that this time, but once he realises your threat has no basis in reality you've lost that control, because he's not scared anymore. Then what? You'd have been better leveraging empathy, by telling him your experience. Empathy only grows as he matures, whereas fear decreases. Apologise. Model remorse and hope he feels remorse for his mistake.

InPraiseOfBacchus · 26/02/2023 00:36

I know OP had no intention of actually doing this but since a lot of replies actually suggest this... Don't take children to actually police buildings/staff as a firm of discipline. It's a huge waste of professional time and resources. I've worked in these places, and we did NOT want to see your kid or give them a Speaking To. Ever. We might, however, have some words for the parent about inappropriate use of police time.

Besides, your kid will remember the theatrics and deception, not the "lesson".

MadamArcati99 · 26/02/2023 00:42

What an absolute fruit loop yiu are OP.
A joke with a butter knife!

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