9yr old and knife

[Rabbitheadlights]

So ... My 9yr old just picked up a butter knife and threatened my 7yr old with it ... In a half joke half serious manner (they were bickering about something or other) Well, I absolutely lost it. I told him to go get dressed and that I was taking him to the police station, that he should say goodbye to his siblings, and take one last look at his bedroom because he was going to jail for a very long time and he would be an adult by the time he got out!

I was kind of lost in how angry I was, for context a friend's son was murdered age 16 in January last year and although we aren't very close it was just far too close to home for me and it's something I think about often.

So my AIBU is should I have been able to control my reaction?

He was really scared, crying asking me not to take him etc ... But all I could think was good, I'm glad he's scared.

We have spoken now and I have told him that I won't be taking him to the police station but that if he ever was to do do anything like that again I absolutely will! but I haven't apologised for my reaction because I need him to understand how serious this is.

But I don't know, was it too much?

Tia

I can't remember exactly what it was, but my 9 year old made some sort of off colour joke about his sibling who was peeing him off getting "oofed" or something.

He got told sternly that it wasn't appropriate, can be upsetting to the other person, if he said it at school he could get in trouble and that if an adult said it to someone they worked with then they could get in trouble with their boss.

Agreed. He got a strong reaction because he needed one. He’ll learn from this.

While I do think you overreacted a bit, I can definitely see why and I dont think you should backtrack. It is a message that needs driving home hard. Probably wouldn’t be 15 or so years ago, but it is now. You do not ever fuck around with knives.

It may not relate to all areas but where I am kids carry knives, not just the teens. If you dare pull them up on their behaviour that's what you risk coming at you in response.

To those mentioning he may be frightened by your reaction ... I bet your seven year old was scared too by him.

Just leave it now!

Until he's 17 running round with a sharper knife and stabs a kid. Then we'll all be asking where the parents were and why he wasn't taught better.

i would have done the same.
I have always gone nuts at any violent behaviour and guess what my kids are not violent at all whereas other kids hit and slap and parents just wave it off as nothing.

violence includes threats of violence. I was brought up the same and the effect was that we children felt safe from each other at home.

So you think those of of us who think the OP overreacted wouldn’t have said anything about not messing around with knives.

Really?

Can I just reiterate my stance on this .... IF he had proffered the knife in a toy like fashion (as a play sword for example) and it was purely in jest my reaction would have been different.

However ... The basics are regardless of his age

During a disagreement, he sought out a weapon in this instance a knife (there were other things in arms reach) and threatened his younger sibling.

We had a very long and very productive talk last night. I showed him some footage of parents talking about the loss of children to knife crime. I also showed him some of young adults who had ended up in prison/young offenders because of knife crime who had "no intention of ever using it" or "never actually wanted to hurt anyone"

I told him my reaction was probably a little too much but that we all with the benefit of hindsight may do things differently. I didn't go into the police thing too much, he absolutely loves the police and is fully aware that they are to help us but is also aware that they are to protect us and prevent crime. I told him it was silly of me to say he would go to jail purely for this incident but that if he had threatened somebody else with a knife as an adult or older teenager that it would be a very real possibility.

It's done now, he's happy and understands and I'm happy that he knows the severity of his actions, and the implications that they could have .

@LittleBearPad I haven't said that. I was talking to the person who called her a 'fruit loop' because it was a 'joke'.

I would be concerned he would now be terrified of the police and therefore won't approach them if on need.

@HappinesDependsOnYou he loves the police, and he is definitely not frightened of them.

You've not answered my earlier question, if it wasn't a joke did he actually intend to stab his sibling?

@Forgooodnesssakenow you haven't answered mine when I asked why you were making things up when you said I had "screamed" and threatened to "drag" my son to the police station.

The truth is I have no idea, but I wouldn't want to take that risk. I would like to believe not and knowing him and his nature I don't think he would but The chances are most of the people who have stabbed somebody probably never intended to stab anyone. "It was just for protection" or to "fit in" or "feel safer"

I think this was brilliantly handled op

Thanks @Youainttheonlyone hopefully I've made the best of an awful situation and I can be more measured in the future if necessary.

It was never my intent to scare him or cause him trauma, I reacted in real time without thinking first which I will try to remedy moving forward.

I'm a good mum, I know I am, I'm grateful for the feedback on here it has provided food for reflection on my part and I will try to do better if the need were ever to arise again.

Wow op. I haven’t read the full thread, but that was very cruel of you.

@Longdrive89 ok that's fine, I'm not going back over it all again.

The fact that so many people cannot differentiate between play with toys and threatening with a weapon whilst arguing is alarming.

THANKYOU

Yes your reaction was extreme.

But from the mum who's own child tried to take his own life after being threatened by a pupil - in school - in a classroom with a butter knife I Thankyou for taking this seriously.

His school said "its was only a butter knife" and genuinely couldn't have given a shit and thought da reaction was ridiculous and refused to authorise the absence from school the following day when I took him to the GP.

Mh ds is autistic, already diagnosed with school anxiety and this pupil had been successfully bullying him for months without school taking it seriously. (They told me to remove him if I did t trust them).

Your ds will remember this, he will listen and realise it's serious. He will realise that even just carrying a knife is not ok and they aren't EVER to be used just in joking threats.

Your reaction may have saved someone's future life.

I think your update is a good response op. Well done.

I think you should teach him to cook.
Seriously, maybe don’t tell him the two things are linked… but sometime he’s calm and younger sibling is not there, get him to help you cut veggies and slice raw meat (if you aren’t vegetarian) with a proper kitchen knife. Including obviously how to hold things carefully to avoid cutting your fingers. An appreciation for how knives work and how they cut even quite touch things might help with his ability to think things through.

@itsgettingweird I'm so sorry you and your son went through that XXX I too have an autistic DS aged 4 the thought of him trying to navigate the world scares me.

I'm sorry this happened to you. My DH experienced similar, at 10 years old his DF theatrically packing his bags telling him he'd never see his family again and was on his own from now on. DH doesn't remember what he did wrong (so clearly no lessons learned!) he just remembers how awful he felt.

Having spent years working with both the victims and perpetrators of teenage knife crime, I am very aware of the risks. The reasons why young people carry knives are complex, but very often rooted in childhood trauma. Those patting OP on the back telling her that she has saved her DS from becoming a future offender and if more parents were like her there would be fewer knives on the streets, I'm sorry but that's nonsense.
As several posters have pointed out, there is a middle ground between doing nothing to tackle poor behaviour and screaming at your child that they're going to be locked up in jail and never see their family again. OP admits this was not a considered response, she lost her shit. We all lose our shit from time to time, but it's important that kids see their parents owning up to it and trying to put things right when it happens. OP could explain to her DS that what she said was wrong, but that she had such a strong emotional reaction because the behaviour he was displaying could have serious consequences out in the world. This would teach him that it's not acceptable to scream threats at people in anger, without undermining the message that it is dangerous to mess about with knives. But she's already said she's not sorry so there you go.

@neverbeenskiing have you read any of my updates?

Also I DID NOT scream at all!