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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

9yr old and knife

193 replies

Rabbitheadlights · 25/02/2023 11:18

So ... My 9yr old just picked up a butter knife and threatened my 7yr old with it ... In a half joke half serious manner (they were bickering about something or other) Well, I absolutely lost it. I told him to go get dressed and that I was taking him to the police station, that he should say goodbye to his siblings, and take one last look at his bedroom because he was going to jail for a very long time and he would be an adult by the time he got out!

I was kind of lost in how angry I was, for context a friend's son was murdered age 16 in January last year and although we aren't very close it was just far too close to home for me and it's something I think about often.

So my AIBU is should I have been able to control my reaction?

He was really scared, crying asking me not to take him etc ... But all I could think was good, I'm glad he's scared.

We have spoken now and I have told him that I won't be taking him to the police station but that if he ever was to do do anything like that again I absolutely will! but I haven't apologised for my reaction because I need him to understand how serious this is.

But I don't know, was it too much?

Tia

OP posts:
Cocobutt · 25/02/2023 12:45

I would have shouted at him to put it down and go to his room.

I would have then checked the other sibling was ok emotionally and gave myself and him time to calm down.

Then I would have gone up and firmly explained how dangerous it was and the consequences of what would happen if he did that to someone else as the police would have been called.

There is no point getting them to understand in the moment as they’re too angry/frustrated etc to hear you properly and to grasp the concept of what you are saying.

If he was older then he’d also see you shouting and losing it a bit, as you losing control of the situation and as the weaker person which isn’t good if you want him to do what you say in that moment.

BUT that is obviously easier said than done and I think you did well under the stressful and surprising circumstance.

Forgooodnesssakenow · 25/02/2023 12:46

Valentina12 · 25/02/2023 12:24

Nah. I wish more parents would bloody go over the top in their reactions to shit like this. Rather than indulge their little emperors with cuddly chats.

Because kids learn best when distraught?

OneTC · 25/02/2023 12:46

Over reaction imo especially if the knife is getting proffered in a toy like context, and how funny the actual joke was

Would react very differently if it was an actual weapon, or there was a threat of violence involved.

Kids play with sticks, "swords", pointy gun fingers, war, all adult unfun things being used for playing

2bazookas · 25/02/2023 12:47

Rabbitheadlights · 25/02/2023 11:26

For those that are saying I ABU ... What would an appropriate response be? I don't think it's the kind of thing that warrants a cuddly chat? He needs to understand how abhorrent his behaviour was? I need to reaffirm that at the same time, IF I need to apologise

You need to say to him something like this:

"Sometimes in the heat of the moment, when someone is really scared or angry, they threaten someone, get carried away and the situation escalates out of hand. That is exactly what happens when people carry knives, and look at what happened to poor (friendson) . So never, ever pretend or play at that stuff. Its always wrong.

Getting carried away is so easy. Like I did. When I remembered what happened to friendson I was so scared and angry at you and the butter knife I got carried away and lost the plot. I shouldn't have made that threat to you , and I'm never going to do it again."

Pianoaccordian · 25/02/2023 12:48

Rabbitheadlights · 25/02/2023 12:16

I will talk more later, but some of you are missing the point here, he was half joking but they were bickering so it wasn't totally innocent. He was in a disagreement and picked up a knife, yes a butter knife but a knife nonetheless. I honestly don't think I am sorry, I will talk to him and explain why I reacted the way I did and discuss my friend's son to give him context. But I think some of the responses on here are maybe why some kids think it's ok to carry knives??

No, you are missing the point OP.
You didn't ask people to comment on his behaviour, but to comment on yours.
Just because some people think you handled the situation badly doesn't mean we think what he did was ok either.
But there are two aspects to knife crime - knives and completely losing the plot. Being overwhelmed with anger. There will always be butter knives around and you have now demonstrated to your young children that anger -total loss of control type anger - and aggression and threat are responses you think appropriate even when confronting a small child.
They are very much not. This is not good parenting.You were WAY out of line.

Fine, correct him, explain why you are scared seeing him do that. Never allow him do it again..
Also keep an eye on what he's watching etc. The idea didn't come from nowhere.

snowbellsxox · 25/02/2023 12:49

Where has he got the idea from? Does he watch video games? Or just heard about it through the news etc

Forgooodnesssakenow · 25/02/2023 12:49

Cocobutt · 25/02/2023 12:45

I would have shouted at him to put it down and go to his room.

I would have then checked the other sibling was ok emotionally and gave myself and him time to calm down.

Then I would have gone up and firmly explained how dangerous it was and the consequences of what would happen if he did that to someone else as the police would have been called.

There is no point getting them to understand in the moment as they’re too angry/frustrated etc to hear you properly and to grasp the concept of what you are saying.

If he was older then he’d also see you shouting and losing it a bit, as you losing control of the situation and as the weaker person which isn’t good if you want him to do what you say in that moment.

BUT that is obviously easier said than done and I think you did well under the stressful and surprising circumstance.

I'd see nothing wrong with taking the knife, sitting him down and explaining that kids are killed by stabbing every day. That even blunt knives can kill. That carrying a knife is illegal because of it. That the police would take him threatening someone with a knife very seidously etc. It's the screaming and losing her shit, the threats, the dragging, frankly the violent response op had that's the problem. Not the realism if the situation. And I grew up working class, in northern Ireland, not only knife crime but bombs and sawn off shot guns. I now live in glasgow. So no. I'm not in a cloud castle somewhere

MavisMcMinty · 25/02/2023 12:50

I bet DC won’t brandish a knife at anyone ever again, so absolutely no censure from me, @Rabbitheadlights . The ends justify the means.

Original poster
Rabbitheadlights · 25/02/2023 12:52

@Forgooodnesssakenow where the hell did you get screaming and dragging from????????????? I did not scream and I certainly did not drag my son?

OP posts:
Epicstorm · 25/02/2023 12:57

A calm talk later about why it upset you so much and the implications of messing around with weapons would probably be worthwhile.

This
I don’t think your OTT reaction will have done any harm at all. Clearly your reaction has shocked him and a calm talk later would be a good thing.

Obviously we all think and feel sorry for the victims and family of knife crime but it’s an awful waste of life for the perpetrators and in most cases tragic for their families too. It won’t hurt your son to know what the consequence of his actions would be and why you reacted as you did.

icanneverthinkofnc · 25/02/2023 12:57

Local to me, a 13 year old has been charged with attempted murder for stabbing a 14 year old.

Forgooodnesssakenow · 25/02/2023 13:02

Rabbitheadlights · 25/02/2023 12:52

@Forgooodnesssakenow where the hell did you get screaming and dragging from????????????? I did not scream and I certainly did not drag my son?

You threatened to drag him to the police station, your whole post sounds hysterical

Poscapen · 25/02/2023 13:03

There will be a lot of extrapolation on this Op, and people bringing in their experiences from abusive childhood. You gave an honest reaction and you don't need to apologise for that. You've already had a chat with him. Maybe start with asking him why he thinks you reacted so strongly. As others have said, butter knives have been used to kill and children can react very quickly in the heat of the moment. My sister stabbed my brother in the arm with a pen and oh boy the blood!! I don't think you did anything wrong. But on here there are people constantly lurking to bring people down and feed on their uncertainties.

Original poster
Rabbitheadlights · 25/02/2023 13:05

@Forgooodnesssakenow I think you maybe projecting some of your own issues here. I did not threaten to drag him anywhere. Seriously why on earth are you making things up to sway the narrative?

He wasn't playing, they were arguing there is a HUGE difference!!

OP posts:
Pianoaccordian · 25/02/2023 13:10

You said half-joking, half-serious in your OP

Original poster
Rabbitheadlights · 25/02/2023 13:13

@Pianoaccordian yes, they were bickering though so it wasn't entirely playful was it? I suppose you had to be there but there was definitely more to it than playing.

OP posts:
Pastapizzalover · 25/02/2023 13:16

Gosh I'd have probably done the same op.

Presuming that everything else is usually good in your home and you aren't an abusive parent.

Seeing your child do something like that is scary and you want them to realise.

LittleBearPad · 25/02/2023 13:17

Bickering isn’t fighting.

You’ve overreacted and now are trying to justify yourself. Fine be cross, fine tell him not to do it again, tell him knives are dangerous and not toys. The rest of it was silly and mean.

Robyn847 · 25/02/2023 13:18

BiggerBoyMadeMeDoit · 25/02/2023 11:31

YABU @Rabbitheadlights

I’m late 40’s and I still remember my parent threatening to take me and my two siblings to a childrens home when I was about ten because we had been naughty. It’s cruel.

Explaining the potential consequences is different to threatening.

Did they ever drive you there and leave you in the car while they went "to check if there was any places available"? Mine did. They probably just stood round the corner chuckling for 30 seconds while we shat our pants in the car. As a family we laugh about it now so it's not done that much harm. But flippin eck, at the time it worked!

oakleaffy · 25/02/2023 13:19

Rabbitheadlights · 25/02/2023 11:22

@aSofaNearYou I think I'm going to have to, but should I apologise for it?

No!
Don’t apologise.
Well done for being strong.
Knives are not something to be waving about, even butter knives.

tiggergoesbounce · 25/02/2023 13:19

Yes, it was a fine response, and yes, if he does it again, take him to the station. Someone will absolutely talk to him about knife crime.

Those saying its just a butter knife are ludicrous. The 9year old didn't stop and weigh up the sharpness of the knife, he grabbed the nearest knife to scare his sibling. He needs to know it is not the "go to" thing to do as they are not toys. Its not a joke.

I can imagine all these people saying it ok, when the head tells them another child dod it to their kid in the school canteen, but he was only joking and it was only a butter knife 🙄🙄

We have a real knife problem in this country its not ok

Good on you OP. Dont apologise at all, but do sit calmly with him later and explain why it evoked that reaction in you.

saleorbouy · 25/02/2023 13:19

He needs to understand the severity of his actions. Threatening with a weapon could lead to awful consequences, what if it was a sharper knife or escalated further. You have been heavy on him and rightly so, he's old enough to understand your reaction was from the heart and if he's never seen you react like this before then he'll not be wanting to repeat the behaviour.

LittleBearPad · 25/02/2023 13:21

tiggergoesbounce · 25/02/2023 13:19

Yes, it was a fine response, and yes, if he does it again, take him to the station. Someone will absolutely talk to him about knife crime.

Those saying its just a butter knife are ludicrous. The 9year old didn't stop and weigh up the sharpness of the knife, he grabbed the nearest knife to scare his sibling. He needs to know it is not the "go to" thing to do as they are not toys. Its not a joke.

I can imagine all these people saying it ok, when the head tells them another child dod it to their kid in the school canteen, but he was only joking and it was only a butter knife 🙄🙄

We have a real knife problem in this country its not ok

Good on you OP. Dont apologise at all, but do sit calmly with him later and explain why it evoked that reaction in you.

Police stations are going to be busy with all these parents making a point to their small children.

Cocobutt · 25/02/2023 13:23

Has he ever shown any behaviour like this before?

Did he pick the knife up or was it already in his hand?

Original poster
Rabbitheadlights · 25/02/2023 13:29

No I've never reacted like this before, to anything. I have 2 older children but they never gave me cause to.
@LittleBearPad he's not a small child though? He starts high school next year?

I'm happy to admit in hindsight I might have handled it differently but, I'm not sorry perse. I still think I would have told him that the police would be very unhappy and I still will absolutely take him if anything like this were to happen ever again in the hope that they would talk to him etc.

He's never shown any inclination to this kind of thing before and he is a good kid generally.

We are going to have a chat later and I will see where we are at afterwards. Right now he's happily playing with the aforementioned 7yr old and requesting pizza for tea so I don't think any long term damage has been done.

Thanks for the differing perspectives ALL of them it's food for thought.

OP posts: