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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

9yr old and knife

193 replies

Rabbitheadlights · 25/02/2023 11:18

So ... My 9yr old just picked up a butter knife and threatened my 7yr old with it ... In a half joke half serious manner (they were bickering about something or other) Well, I absolutely lost it. I told him to go get dressed and that I was taking him to the police station, that he should say goodbye to his siblings, and take one last look at his bedroom because he was going to jail for a very long time and he would be an adult by the time he got out!

I was kind of lost in how angry I was, for context a friend's son was murdered age 16 in January last year and although we aren't very close it was just far too close to home for me and it's something I think about often.

So my AIBU is should I have been able to control my reaction?

He was really scared, crying asking me not to take him etc ... But all I could think was good, I'm glad he's scared.

We have spoken now and I have told him that I won't be taking him to the police station but that if he ever was to do do anything like that again I absolutely will! but I haven't apologised for my reaction because I need him to understand how serious this is.

But I don't know, was it too much?

Tia

OP posts:
Original poster
Rabbitheadlights · 25/02/2023 11:35

I am reading all responses I will come back to answer shortly, I'm just going to feed the baby. Thanks all

OP posts:
JunkinDonuts · 25/02/2023 11:36

No, I wouldn't apologise. What has been done is finished now, I would leave it at that and move on.
Hopefully he has taken in what you've said and your reaction.

Grumpybutfunny · 25/02/2023 11:37

It was a bit over the top considering it a butter knife! I would ask him where he got the idea from

bagelbagelbagel · 25/02/2023 11:38

cheatingcrackers · 25/02/2023 11:35

I do think you over reacted but it upset you particularly because of your bereavement and that’s understandable. I’ve definitely over reacted to things my kids have done because of my own history.

Im not sure the school analogy is meaningful because kids tend to behave differently at home/with siblings than they do at school/with peers - though obviously I take that back if you think there would be the slightest risk of DS behaving that way at school.

A calm talk later about why it upset you so much and the implications of messing around with weapons would probably be worthwhile.

This. Not worth beating yourself up over but probably worth a quiet chat with DC to debrief.

Bunnyishotandcross · 25/02/2023 11:39

I held mate as he died from a stab wound. That fear doesn't leave you I know op. My dc know not to play like that. But your ott is a natural reaction for you. Your dc can be told why you acted like that.

PuttingDownRoots · 25/02/2023 11:40

Theres a mid road about threatening something impossible (like a 9yo going to jail! and a cuddly chat. )

Consequences like confiscating game consoles, not being allowed a knife at meals as he can't be trusted with one, not going on a planned treat.
Plus, when calm, an in depth conversation on the results of knife crime.

SilkenDisorder · 25/02/2023 11:43

Grumpybutfunny · 25/02/2023 11:37

It was a bit over the top considering it a butter knife! I would ask him where he got the idea from

Google ‘stabbed with butter knife’.

Or if you are feeling strong of stomach ‘child stabbed with butter knife’.

It’s a knife. It can and has been used to seriously hurt and kill.

Do the people who don’t think a child threatening another with a knife is that big a deal have children?

Worrying if so.

Singleandproud · 25/02/2023 11:44

With my reference to how you would feel if a teacher reacted the same. I'm talking about them completely losing it, screaming and shouting that they were going to go to prison, that they better say good bye to their siblings etc. I don't think any parent would be happy about that and would want an apology. Yes the teacher and school may get the police involved as they should there might even be a school lock down whilst that happened but there wouldn't be any out of control hysterics. If we wouldn't be happy with other trusted adults in our children's lives treating them a certain way then as parents we shouldn't treat them that way either.

If I were you I would say sorry for my reaction, parents and adults losing control around children is scary and disrupts the boundaries you have in place but then I would explain why I had reacted that way and talk about knife crime and the consequences.

pinkySilver · 25/02/2023 11:44

I won't comment on the reaction - but it is actually very hard to teach kids the severity of consequences. It's hard to learn - and certainly at a young age - what could happen. Your DC now knows that it's serious - and won't do this again. Because you frightened him.

I remember at about that age in a play fight at school hitting another child hard over the head with something (I won't say what). At that age it never crossed my mind what might happen. And we were both very lucky...

Knives kill - and as pp have said - plenty of serious accidents are the result of a "joke" with a weapon.

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 25/02/2023 11:50

You threatened your child with many years imprisonment, for heaven's sake. Of course you apologise.

You over reacted. Yes, a strong reaction to your son threatening his sibling with a knife is understandable. But "say goodbye to your home and family, I'm taking you to be locked away until you're an adult" is blatantly untrue and not remotely helpful.

Never threaten something that isn't going to happen. Your kids will learn to ignore your "consequences" once they recognise them as untenable.

Better to say "I'm sorry I reacted so strongly and scared you. That was wrong of me. Please understand, that is how very serious this is. Never, ever pick up a knife to threaten or harm anyone ever again."

Children need to learn by example to say sorry when they overreact. It's good to apologise to our kids when we make mistakes, however well meant.

Pianoaccordian · 25/02/2023 11:50

I think you were wrong.
Knives are dangerous yes, but it's the person who wields them makes them so.
It is not okay to get 'lost in your anger', that is a very dangerous thing to do and that is the behavior you have modelled to your chikdren.
You also lied. He is not going to jail at 9 years old for half jokingly waving a butter knife towards his sibling.
I think you behaved terribly tbh, far worse than he did. Maybe you should turn yourself in 🙄

Mummyof287 · 25/02/2023 11:50

I told him to go get dressed and that I was taking him to the police station, that he should say goodbye to his siblings, and take one last look at his bedroom because he was going to jail for a very long time and he would be an adult by the time he got out!

This really is an incredibly cruel thing to say to a 9yo....apart from being completely untrue, imagine how scared and traumatised he must have felt in that moment believing that could actually happen!

I mean a butter knife isn't sharp or anything, is it?

He should definitely be firmly told not to wave knives about, but you can't put a 9yo jokingly waving a blunt knife around in the same camp as someone murdering someone else with one....it doesn't mean he is anything like the person who killed the 16yo, or ever will be.

I think you need to apologise profusely for your threat,explain the reasons behind why you overreacted and acknowledge how your reaction might have made him feel.Expect him to be quite clingy and insecure for awhile though....comments like that can be devastating for children.

Pianoaccordian · 25/02/2023 11:51

But seriously, apologise to him and talk it through. Tell him why you were scared.

AllWorkYoPlait · 25/02/2023 11:53

Genuine question - what do you imagine would happen at the police station if you turned up with a 9 year old who had jokingly threatened a sibling with a butter knife? Mine would probably be closed anyway, but I can't imagine they'd do anything other than ask me to leave. They've got enough to be getting on with.

I would've been really angry but used it as an opportunity to explain why we don't even make jokes about things like that; we never use weapons; and how things can go wrong quickly, even when we're playing games. He should try to set an example to his younger siblings.

If you took it to the police as a genuine concern all I can imagine they would do is refer you to social services.

You need to differentiate between things that can cause real harm - any sort of real knife - and things that can't, like water pistols.

GoodChat · 25/02/2023 11:56

@AllWorkYoPlait police work involves crime prevention as much as arresting criminals. They'd speak to him. It could save a murder or gang investigation in 10 years time.

PopsicleHustler · 25/02/2023 11:56

Knives and threats are a serious issue. Scaring him with the cop shop is perfectly fine, so he understands just how serious this is...

NoGoodUsernamee · 25/02/2023 11:57

YABVU. Can you imagine how scary that was for a 9 year old? They believe every word you tell them & you told him he was going to jail and wouldn’t be seeing his family for a long time how TERRIFYING that must of been for him. Just a pathetic power trip from you. Yeah you were angry but you’re a parent and need to learn to control it.

Sitting him down & telling him the story about your friends son and the seriousness of knife crime would have been sufficient but your reaction was so over kill! It was a butter knife… I know for a fact I’ve jokingly done it to people with a butter knife doesn’t mean I would actually ever stab someone ffs. Way to traumatise your son 👍🏼

CatOnTheChair · 25/02/2023 11:57

I think getting cross would have been fine. The police bit is dubious (police should be someone to look to for help, not be afraid of, imo), and the "say good bye to everything" was plain wrong - this isnt something that would happen in these circumstances.

I think I'd apologize if he is dwlling on it. If he has bown it off, I think I'd move on.

Cantdoitwontdoit · 25/02/2023 11:57

I did wonder why knife crime involving children seemed so much worse these days.

Not surprising seeing some of the replies on this thread.

@Rabbitheadlights do not apologise. You got angry for a very good reason, and he needed the shock to understand just how wrong what he did was. Even PLAYING with knives has gotten children killed. I doubt many of these posters would have been as calm if it had been your ds threatening their child with a knife.

Those saying you shouldn’t have yelled and threatened with the police are either in an environment where knife crime is seen as a far away problem and is unlikely to affect their dc, or theirs are the little shits running around with knives because mummy thought the appropriate punishment for the first offence was a calm cuddle and a conversation.

LittleBearPad · 25/02/2023 11:59

Yes of course you should apologise. What an absurd reaction

Cantdoitwontdoit · 25/02/2023 12:00

Can you imagine how scary that was for a 9 year old?

How scary would it have been for him if he had accidentally hurt/killed his sibling? (And yes, it HAS happened before)

How scary for her dc that was being threatened with knife?

What if her dc had been threatening yours with a knife?

Barannca · 25/02/2023 12:01

Yes I would apologise for threatening to take him to the police because that obviously was never going to happen and he will probably realise that. But you were right to be angry.
I would sit him down and explain why you were so angry talk about your friends son and knife crime and why knives are never something to play with.

HelpMeGetThrough · 25/02/2023 12:03

YABVU. Can you imagine how scary that was for a 9 year old? They believe every word you tell them & you told him he was going to jail and wouldn’t be seeing his family for a long time how TERRIFYING that must of been for him.

Good job they do, perhaps he'll think twice before pulling that stunt again.

Zanatdy · 25/02/2023 12:04

Ok maybe a little much but I agree with pp that a strong reaction was needed and he shouldn’t ever do that. I’d apologise yes. I’d say I’m sorry mummy got really angry but explain that knife’s kill people, they take children away from parents, siblings away from siblings, they ruin the life’s of everyone involved, including the person who stabbed the person. Let him know it’s not something you ever joke about. Don’t beat yourself up about it though, he will always remember that you don’t mess about with knifes

AllWorkYoPlait · 25/02/2023 12:05

There's a whole spectrum of response options between doing nothing and telling a 9 year old they'll be locked away forever and never see their family again.

I don't think either extreme is particularly helpful.