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Original poster

DP can’t keep his hands off of me

317 replies

7whiteclouds · 24/02/2023 23:12

DP has always had a high sex drive; I’ve always had a lower one.

we have been together 10+ years and have children together.

he has always enjoyed receiving physical affection; I appreciate thoughtful acts higher than physical affection.

we clearly have differences in how we like to show and receive affection but somehow we’ve always managed to make it work. Despite the usual moan of “you don’t give me enough physical affection” whenever we have an unrelated fall out.
I’ve recently discovered that this transcribes as “you don’t initiate sexual intimacy with me”.

over the years we’d probably have sex once per week on average - usually initiated by DP. He’d usually be quite touchy feely with me at other times during the week, but wouldn’t push for things to go further if I’d said no. However, over the past 6 months DP appears to literally want his hands all over me 24/7 and seems to want sex daily. He says it’s because he’s attracted to me, he wants to feel close to me, and also wants sex. I however, don’t. I’m still happy for the usual once per week.

however to me, I constantly feel like I’m being groped and feel like he has his hands all over me just so he can try and get sex. He is constantly trying to put his hands in my bra, touch me through my knickers etc, even at inappropriate times. Even when I say no he still tries to continue to push things in hope that I change my mind. It takes a long time for him to stop after I’ve made it clear I’m not interested. Even when I’m unwell he’ll still continue to try to push things further. I constantly feel like I’m having to apologise for saying no because I’m not in the mood/unwell/stressed/tired/just don’t want sex.

I have had multiple big talks (and arguments) with him about how I’m not comfortable with this, he says he understands my point but nothing seems to have changed, despite him
Saying he’ll calm it down.

it’s getting to the point where I feel like he’s an actual “sex pest” and it’s pushing me further and further away.

we don’t have the best of relationships, but this is just making me at times feel cold towards him.

I don’t know what to do next as he clearly isn’t listening to me?

OP posts:
Shouldbedoing · 24/02/2023 23:13

He is a sex pest.
And it's turning you off.

Shouldbedoing · 24/02/2023 23:14

Have you told him?

UWhatNow · 24/02/2023 23:15

“Even when I say no he still tries to continue to push things in hope that I change my mind. It takes a long time for him to stop after I’ve made it clear I’m not interested. Even when I’m unwell he’ll still continue to try to push things further. I constantly feel like I’m having to apologise for saying no because I’m not in the mood/unwell/stressed/tired/just don’t want sex.”

This is not right and goes beyond ‘sex pest’ - he sounds vile.

Merryoldgoat · 24/02/2023 23:17

he is an abusive sex pest.

Original poster
7whiteclouds · 24/02/2023 23:18

Shouldbedoing · 24/02/2023 23:14

Have you told him?

Yes.

“I have had multiple big talks (and arguments) with him about how I’m not comfortable with this, he says he understands my point but nothing seems to have changed, despite him
Saying he’ll calm it down.”

OP posts:
FrippEnos · 24/02/2023 23:20

Why are you still with him?

You have said

we don’t have the best of relationships, but this is just making me at times feel cold towards him.

its not good for you.
Its not good for the kids seeing him ignoring your boundaries.

I don't see what you are getting out of the relationship.

Annabananna1 · 24/02/2023 23:21

I have had multiple big talks (and arguments) with him about how I’m not comfortable with this, he says he understands my point but nothing seems to have changed, despite him
Saying he’ll calm it down

Don't let him minimise what he's doing here. He's sexually harassing you daily. You're uncomfortable. You're unable to move forward with him in a way your comfortable with because he's not stopping his behaviour. Time for some drastic action!!
I'm not saying LTB but you could make it abundantly clear you can't and won't carryon living in an environment where you feel under this pressure. And if it still continues and you still don't like it, LTB.

ConfusedNT · 24/02/2023 23:21

Urgh sex pests are so unsexy

And the fact that he tries to push you after you have said no is sexual assault

Do you want to stay with him at this stage?

MrsSkylerWhite · 24/02/2023 23:22

You’re not compatible.

LucyLeave · 24/02/2023 23:22

He is a sex pest. I'd leave him.

Original poster
7whiteclouds · 24/02/2023 23:26

It’s always me that’s the problem of course… never him and his actions. He’s hardly ever in the wrong about anything in his eyes.

OP posts:
FlissyPaps · 24/02/2023 23:28

7whiteclouds · 24/02/2023 23:26

It’s always me that’s the problem of course… never him and his actions. He’s hardly ever in the wrong about anything in his eyes.

Classic narcissist.

Leave him OP.

takealettermsjones · 24/02/2023 23:31

He knows you don't want the sexual touching, and he's doing it anyway. What do you call someone who does that?

I'd respond in exactly the same way as I would if a stranger did any of those things at a bus stop.

BabyOnBoard90 · 24/02/2023 23:33

DP has always had a high sex drive; I’ve always had a lower one.

Well this is your problem. It's not like he's changed and suddenly become a creep, he's just really attracted to his wife, and his wife doesn't find him as attractive.

Personally, I don't see this as a terrible issue, it's usually the case that partners aren't interested after several years together. But you are free to as others suggest and leave him if you feel like your life would be better as a single woman until you find someone who you are more sexually compatible with, and he can do the same.

Good luck

Bonster37 · 24/02/2023 23:34

The problem is that he is not taking you seriously. You have to give him the ultimatum of continue with this behaviour and the marriage is over and be very firm with him. Do not let him explain his behaviour, blame you whatever. Say very clearly ‘ I don’t care what you have to say but do it again and we are done’. Then you must follow through.

ConfusedNT · 24/02/2023 23:36

BabyOnBoard90 · 24/02/2023 23:33

DP has always had a high sex drive; I’ve always had a lower one.

Well this is your problem. It's not like he's changed and suddenly become a creep, he's just really attracted to his wife, and his wife doesn't find him as attractive.

Personally, I don't see this as a terrible issue, it's usually the case that partners aren't interested after several years together. But you are free to as others suggest and leave him if you feel like your life would be better as a single woman until you find someone who you are more sexually compatible with, and he can do the same.

Good luck

No her problem is she says no and he carries on

He also has a choice to leave her but instead he is subjecting her to a campaign of constant sexual assault

She says this is newer behaviour as well, that it's changed and got worse so yes he sounds like he has changed

BabyOnBoard90 · 24/02/2023 23:39

ConfusedNT · 24/02/2023 23:36

No her problem is she says no and he carries on

He also has a choice to leave her but instead he is subjecting her to a campaign of constant sexual assault

She says this is newer behaviour as well, that it's changed and got worse so yes he sounds like he has changed

Show quote history

This does shift my view in the slightest. Perhaps conserve your energy and focus on giving OP your golden advice, instead of debating an issue with me that's my problem.

BabyOnBoard90 · 24/02/2023 23:39

doesn't*

SarahDippity · 24/02/2023 23:39

BabyOnBoard90 · 24/02/2023 23:33

DP has always had a high sex drive; I’ve always had a lower one.

Well this is your problem. It's not like he's changed and suddenly become a creep, he's just really attracted to his wife, and his wife doesn't find him as attractive.

Personally, I don't see this as a terrible issue, it's usually the case that partners aren't interested after several years together. But you are free to as others suggest and leave him if you feel like your life would be better as a single woman until you find someone who you are more sexually compatible with, and he can do the same.

Good luck

I see this as a huge issue. She has a right to not be pawed and pestered.

ItchyBillco · 24/02/2023 23:51

BabyOnBoard90 · 24/02/2023 23:39

This does shift my view in the slightest. Perhaps conserve your energy and focus on giving OP your golden advice, instead of debating an issue with me that's my problem.

Show quote history

You don’t see a lack of consent as an issue? Concerning.

LadyJ2023 · 24/02/2023 23:56

If my hubby did this I would have serious concerns. Wheres the care and respect for you. I'm sorry its making you feel bad no woman should have to put up with that behaviour its wrong

ConfusedNT · 24/02/2023 23:58

BabyOnBoard90 · 24/02/2023 23:39

This does shift my view in the slightest. Perhaps conserve your energy and focus on giving OP your golden advice, instead of debating an issue with me that's my problem.

Show quote history

When posters tell women in abusive relationships that the abusers behaviour is okay I will always always call that out and I am not going to apologise for doing so or stop doing it

When posters excuse rapists and sexually abusive men's behaviour I will always call that out and I am not going to apologise for doing so or stop doing it

Merryoldgoat · 25/02/2023 00:02

@ConfusedNT I’m with you.

@BabyOnBoard90 if you think it’s ok for someone to be sexually assaulted in this way then you’ve got bigger issues than can be dealt with on here.

Original poster
7whiteclouds · 25/02/2023 00:12

ConfusedNT · 24/02/2023 23:58

When posters tell women in abusive relationships that the abusers behaviour is okay I will always always call that out and I am not going to apologise for doing so or stop doing it

When posters excuse rapists and sexually abusive men's behaviour I will always call that out and I am not going to apologise for doing so or stop doing it

Show quote history

I appreciate this, thank you.

I can see this is a form of abuse but unfortunately I feel quite stuck and not really able to leave at the moment. I would have to leave my career, I would potentially lose our family home and currently have none of my own money behind me. I suppose I’m just trying to bide my time and try to find a way of making things a bit easier for now - probably just wishful thinking though, right?!

ironically, I would be the first to call out abuse like you have & do, but actually being in the situation, I think it has skewed my judgment as you never expect to find yourself as the victim.

OP posts:
ChiefWiggumsBoy · 25/02/2023 00:18

BabyOnBoard90 · 24/02/2023 23:33

DP has always had a high sex drive; I’ve always had a lower one.

Well this is your problem. It's not like he's changed and suddenly become a creep, he's just really attracted to his wife, and his wife doesn't find him as attractive.

Personally, I don't see this as a terrible issue, it's usually the case that partners aren't interested after several years together. But you are free to as others suggest and leave him if you feel like your life would be better as a single woman until you find someone who you are more sexually compatible with, and he can do the same.

Good luck

You're conveniently missing the rest of the post.

over the years we’d probably have sex once per week on average - usually initiated by DP

Followed by:

However, over the past 6 months DP appears to literally want his hands all over me 24/7 and seems to want sex daily