DH constant comments & moaning about stuff

[CostoflivingDH]

Like most others our family have had to rethink budgeting. We can no longer afford to buy all branded stuff and I’ve made quite a few changes to our grocery shop.

DH is constantly ‘commenting’ and really annoying me.

’oh can’t we afford Charmin anymore this toilet roll is not very good, you need to use twice the amount’

’This bacon is so thin it all breaks up and you can’t cook it properly’

’I don’t like this brown sauce, why can’t we have HP?’

’Are you sure this detergent cleans as well as Ariel?’

’I need Heinz beans, these taste like shit’

’Are these the cheap, basic range eggs? We should get free range where the chickens can roam’

’The chocolate on these biscuits tastes cheap, where’s the chocolate hobnobs?’

and on and on. I’ve explained as he well knows that everything costs more, he obviously knows this but just responds with ‘it’s a false economy though as most of this is either shit or you have to use twice the amount’. I’ve suggested he does the shopping but he refuses.

I’m a savvy shopper and am good at finding offers and bargains.

Does this cause friction in your household? He’s otherwise a reasonable human being and not bad husband.

I would find the moaning very irritating, unattractive and unsexy. And I would tell him this. Positive contributions to budgeting dilemmas, please, and if you can't contribute something useful (which an adult should be capable of doing, btw), then button up, buttercup.

That said, food is one of those areas of daily comfort where changes are keenly felt. We've cut down a lot on meat, fish, dairy and eggs, and when we do eat these things, we stretch them with lots of veg and pulses. We have the hummus we like, rather than switching to a cheaper version (which tastes mostly of vinegar), but no more than one pot every other month. I will still buy a pot of jam and cream, and they will stretch over a month to have with home-made scones (1 egg, 50g of butter per batch of 8, so cheaper on ingredients than other cakes, and only 10 minutes in the oven) at the weekend. Walls ice-cream with a dollop of creme fraiche or a drop of coffee is a good pudding. We don't buy salted cashews or peanuts or crisps anymore, I roast nuts for a snack, and use them also as protein component in stir fries and roasts. Aldi and Lidl biscuits (Lidl shortbread rounds are insanely good) are fine, IMO, as are their chocolate bars.

We're empty nesters now, though, and it's harder in bigger households to get everyone happy. Your OH should be part of the solution though, not the problem!

Stuff where compromises don't work for us: bread; coffee; tinned tomatoes; decent spaghetti. So I do spend more than, say, my mother would ever dream of doing, on these items. But we don't buy coffee or sandwiches out, so it probably evens out.

I've bought cheap loo roll for years though. You literally wipe your bum with it, and flush it away. How expensive does it need to be to fulfil that function?

I get what everyone’s saying but if he really wants the stuff he likes , then sit down and see if he can come up with savings in other areas. I might be in a minority but l would forgo other stuff to only have Heinz beans and Chocolate Hobnobs ! Depends how skint you really are ?

My OH occasionally does this. Comes to me with a perceived problem. Usually one that I don’t give a shit about.

I say « ok tell me how we can solve it then. Come to me with a solution, not a problem. »

if he says he doesn’t know I say « I’m sure you can work something out so happy to discuss when you’ve thought of a solution. »

Repeat.

Hate hate hate people coming to me with a problem. Solve it then tell me.

For example « I’ve noticed the food prices have gone up so I’ve spoken to my boss and got some overtime on Thursday evenings. I’ll earn £x extra after tax. Can we put this extra towards the food shop? I really liked the way we used to eat/ shop. »

Job done. Stop whinging- Fanny clamp shut!!

Well the marketing companies will be happy to know their campaigns have been so successful!

I do agree with him on toilet paper we still buy branded but when it's on offer - same with kitchen towel.
Most other stuff he is being ridiculous about. Get the cash out for the weekly shop put it in his lap and say off you go here's the list don't give him the choice!

He’s right about the eggs. No need to buy them from caged hens to save £1.

I would buy the cheaper stuff and hide the tins and packaging.
I bet most things they wouldn't notice the difference.

But for many things, the quality is exactly the same. Same product, made in the same factory, with the same ingredients/materials, just packaged and marketed differently. And sometimes a cheaper product can actually be better quality, as they aren't spending a fortune on advertising and expensive packaging.

I'm actually with him. I would prefer to eat less bit better quality. Caged chicken eggs are nasty, as is cheap bacon. it's true about buy cheap, buy twice.

I'd tell him he either needs to make more money, or come up with ways of saving. Seeing as he won't do the shopping, these are his only options.

I'd go further than @HollyGolightly4, @CostoflivingDH. I'd tell your dh that it is his responsibility to plan the week's meals and to do the shopping for everything that is needed within the family's budget. I think that is the only way he will realise that he can't have everything he wants right now!

Send him a few links for a part time job to do on top of his usual work so that he can cover the difference. He will be out more too so you won’t need to hear the moaning.

If he cares this much then why isn't he getting more involved in shopping and making these decisions with you, rather than complaining like a whiney toddler?

This would be enough to make me question the relationship to be honest. He sounds extremely immature.

I voted YANBU. But buying the cheapest loo roll is a false economy IME.

I don't by any means buy the most expensive, I just shopped around until I found a cheaper one that was of good enough quality to be good value for money.

OK but in his shoes would you whinge at OP or would you say "show me the shopping list and budget, I'll have a look at what cuts are OK with me and what I can't compromise on"?

You know, like an adult human?

It's not so much about him not liking cheaper/ supermarket brands, but about his behaviour.

The situation is what it is. They don't have enough money and so have to make some cuts.

If he cares what those cuts are then he needs to be pragmatic and get involved rather than throwing his toys out of the pram.

If you have a budget & he wants certain brands then surely he has to decide what he will do without to stay within budget?

Chocolate/cake/biscuits/alcohol/cigarettes?

When you've never really bought brands then you have to decide what to do without!

@CostoflivingDH I agree with others in a way - where it really matters, such as good quality meat, I would rather eat the better stuff less often or have smaller portions. So we buy good bacon but are sparing with it (we don't have much anyway for health reasons). He may have different priorities, as might you.

We economise wherever it doesn't make any/much difference to us. Aldi baked beans are much cheaper and actually nicer, we both agree on that, so we save there without making a big deal of it. And lots of other examples. But we won't buy cheap pasta because it tastes too nasty. etc etc. We rarely buy based purely on brand anymore, barring a few favourites, and always, always choose nicest we can but cheaper/best value for money on staples.

If your situation is such that you really do need to economise on everything across the board with no leeway then that's a shitty place to be in and I'm sorry. I know how hard that is. And in that case he needs to get a grip, or do something to change your financial situation.

What he doesn't get to do is whinge/whine/complain and want it every which way - everything to stay exactly the same but not cost any more money. If he thinks he can do so much better, let him. For at least a month.

I know. I can't believe some of the comments on this thread. Some people have more money than sense.

As for eggs, out of the dozens of different types on trolley.co.uk, only three boxes were from caged hens, and only one pack was meaningfully cheaper per egg than the cheapest free range eggs, and then only 2 or 3 p per egg.

Just about all supermarkets will do a box of 6 mixed free range eggs for £1 or a box of 15 for around £2 to £2.50, the market for caged is tiny, most people won't be buying them anyway.

To add, in many cases, the higher prices of branded goods aren't paying for higher quality food or other products.

They're paying for the marketing.
Nicer packaging
A wider choice of sizes
With supermarkets (so Aldi vs Tesco for example) bigger ranges, nicer stores, home delivery, a loyalty scheme, more staff, in store facilities like cafes and toilets

Nothing at all to do with what goes in the food, and often, they jack the price up because a higher price makes some people think it's better quality.

On toilet rolls, Nicky is often cited as something to look at if you want cheaper that's not rubbish. Or Costco own brand. Significantly better than all the main brands and much cheaper.

Tell him his constant moaning is very unappealing/unsexy as you are not attracted to toddlers.

Totally agree with all of this. The only thing I won't scrimp on is meat- free range chicken / Aberdeen Angus Beef- but I'm veggie and DH and the kids only have red meat once a week or so, white meat twice and fish once the rest is veggie.

I would stop cooking for him, he is a grown ass adult and he can feed himself!!!

There's a thread on FB in the group 'Food-Surviving on 50p a day' which aims to give advice on how to zjooz up cheap versions so they taste more expensive. The one I remember best is a knob of butter in cheap baked beans.

None of which is intended to minimise the knobishess of your own DH, who needs to learn that problems should be solved as a family, not just moaned about.

Id move from suggesting he does the shopping to insisting if he isnt going to STFU and eat what's sourced and then put on the table for him.

This strikes me as being like the threads where an OP complains that her DP (usually how it goes) has decided to turn the heating down to an unreasonably low temperature in order to save money. It seems to me that money-saving ventures that make one half of a partnership very unhappy should be a matter for negotiation, not something imposed by one partner on another without discussion. Unless your budget constraints are extreme, could you not talk together about your priorities and where would be least painful to make savings? I agree your DH's attitude of constant whinging is awful, but can you not make your savings a matter for discussion rather than imposing them on him? And do suggest that he comes shopping with you,, or does it himself, to see where the money goes, instead of complaining as though you're an incompetent housekeeper.

He doesn't want cheaper alternatives or less of the what he thinks is better stuff. He wants things to be the same. Don't we all.

He sounds worse than a child. I would be giving him the budget and a list and telling him to go and get it. Any shortfall he can find the difference from his own pocket.

What a ridiculous man. Everyone knows everything is going up except wages!