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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The stupid takeaway.

464 replies

Gworlie · 24/02/2023 20:30

My OH has been away for a week and came back today. He turned up this evening with a Chinese takeaway for himself. Didn't even say he was getting one or asked if I wanted one. I've worked all week and done all childcare, which is fine, but when I said "well that's a bit shitty, I'm knackered and hungry too" his response was "well cook something then". I'm raging but he's acting like I'm being crazy.

OP posts:
7eleven · 25/02/2023 12:07

Shortpoet · 25/02/2023 10:13

The fact he’s doubling down this morning, rather than saying sorry and being nice to you makes me suspicious. Something has happened while he’s away. He’s trying to rewrite The Script a with you as the bad guy so he can justify it to himself.

I’m so sorry OP, but I think this too. If he’d apologised this morning, fair enough, but he’s being a deliberate dick now.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 25/02/2023 12:09

I think something happened while he was away and he did this on purpose to try and start an argument.

DesertRose64 · 25/02/2023 12:13

StarsSand · 25/02/2023 05:13

Yeah I think this explains only buying himself dinner.

But it doesn't explain him trying to fool OP into thinking what he's done is perfectly reasonable and she's being ridiculous to have an issue with it.

Show quote history

He’s fronting it out.

DaveyJonesLocker · 25/02/2023 12:48

YANBU at all.

I absolutely agree he's done it to start an argument. He knew you were expecting to eat dinner together because you'd talked about it. You'd offered a lift. He knows you like Chinese. There is absolutely no reasoning on his behalf. He's done it specifically to piss you off.

So WHY? Why has he suddenly decided to be a dick to you if you've never had an issue before. If it's a big change in behaviour I'd be concerned about what's happened on his trip to cause a change. It seems like a reach but why on earth would his attitude change so drastically? Its a really shitty thing to do really. Especially with his response after you've told him it was shitty.

Isthisreasonable · 25/02/2023 12:58

cantitbesimpler · 25/02/2023 11:05

This is very reminiscent of my ex-DH's behaviour as he was checking out of our relationship. He was having an affair. At the time, things like this used to confuse and upset me and we'd have a row (which was then all my fault). Looking back, he already thought of himself as entirely separate and had zero care for me.

If he's always lovely and thoughtful then I guess the week away from you and the kids might have prompted a "just thinking of myself" approach. But then he would have been apologetic - even upset at himself - when he was questioned.

I reckon he's checked out, OP. I'm sorry. If he has, don't waste your efforts on petty revenges, you need to sit down with a third party and talk or make a decision that is in your own best interests. He probably doesn't have your interests at heart any more.

This absolutely. It brings back many unwelcome memories. I would probably go with your plan for today then be quietly preparing for what you would do if he is checking out of the relationship. Don't react to further attempts to make you seem like the bad guy and read "the script" - you can find it on the relationships section.

Englishash · 25/02/2023 13:00

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 25/02/2023 12:09

I think something happened while he was away and he did this on purpose to try and start an argument.

This

ApolloandDaphne · 25/02/2023 13:11

What a dick thing to do. How much effort would it have been to text you and let you know he was going for Chinese and to ask what you all wanted?

LittleBearPad · 25/02/2023 13:12

Only read OP’s messages. I’d have been livid.

Is he stubborn OP and this is why he’s still being a git

Blort · 25/02/2023 13:19

Please tell me you're not taking the kids to your sisters tonight?

User1011 · 25/02/2023 13:40

What time did he get home? Was it later than you normally eat? Maybe he thought you’d already have eaten.

saleorbouy · 25/02/2023 13:47

He's selfish, first for not thinking of you and asking if you'd eaten and then for not offering to share.
I'd be annoyed to, it's not behaviour I'd tolerate in a relationship.

Mammajay · 25/02/2023 14:00

Too late but I would have shared his and taken more than half. He doesn't need leaving he needs teaching about sharing

Barnetwoman · 25/02/2023 14:28

Kill him and eat the Chinese - only joking of course

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 25/02/2023 15:04

Gworlie · 24/02/2023 22:22

@namechangeagaintoday I honestly don't mind doing his washing. It's easy enough for me put it in with the rest and because he works more hours that's what we've decided works for us. His suitcase will be staying by the washing machine though.

The suitcase by the washing machine got me.
It is such a rude way of saying Now do my washing slave.
How many seconds does it take to unzip the case and shove a load in the machine to get it started?
Not many - but he is too good for that.

sqirrelfriends · 25/02/2023 15:20

Order your own and then one day in the near future start making a really lovely meal and only plate up for you and the kids (make sure to leave no leftovers). When he moans you can tell him to make something himself if he’s hungry.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 25/02/2023 15:21

When I first read your post, I thought that perhaps seeing friends and family and feeling free from responsibility, he'd probably had some conversations along the lines of "Oh its so nice to just have a beer and not worry about a, b, c" and "Poor Me" maybe had a little moan that was listened to and he extracted a bit of sympathy and this has caused a bit of "My life is so busy and hard" resentment to build up. Perhaps he was thinking, I earn more, I deserve a treat? It could be no more than that? He thinks he's exerting his independence or his rights?

But learning that he'd already agreed to want dinner when he got home, and bought Chinese instead - that is just rude ... sounds a bit like he's trying to say "See. I knew dinner wouldn't be ready, I've had to fend for myself." ... even though you were working until 6.00 pm and then had DC to deal with. It does sound like he was showing off his resentment for something. Childish though and a rotten homecoming.
I hope you enjoy your Chinese with your sister tonight.

kateandme · 25/02/2023 15:41

"Revenge " take away would jave worked if this was normal dh and he was apologies and back to his normal self.hed get iit"yeh yeh sorry i fucked it"* *.but he is still being a dick?something is up this requires actual words now no?

Emotionalsupportviper · 25/02/2023 16:09

ArcaneWireless · 25/02/2023 11:45

I’m thinking you win mosh

If you also put in a whole box of tissues. 😈

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Very much approve of the tissue idea!

Thinking outside the (tissue) box - nice one!

2catsandhappy · 25/02/2023 16:16

Whatever he wants, sex, dinner, clean clothes, just tell him you got the message loud and clear, that he is looking after himself.

Monstertrucks · 26/02/2023 07:52

How are things OP?

Hope you enjoyed your feast yesterday at your sisters

GabriellaMontez · 26/02/2023 08:32

Dick move by him, obviously. Refusing to back down or discuss...

Really tricky situation for you and quite puzzling.

I wouldn't be doing him any favours this week that's for sure. Not a thing.

AnImaginaryCat · 26/02/2023 10:50

Guis · 25/02/2023 09:44

I am sorry but I cannot help but feel of some of the issues on here sometimes lose perspective.

Turn the news on and see what is going on in Ukraine. And see real stress.

He didn't bring me a takeaway. Ask him why he didn't bring or ask you.

And sort it out. You don't say what time he got home. If later than when you normally eat he probably thought you had eaten. Did you speak together during the day? Could you have rung him and asked him about dinner before he got home. Assuming you weren't cooking for him or had had your meal already?

But by your rational, what is there to sort out seeing they aren't in Ukraine?

Do you mean the fact the OP has decided not to cook for her husband or do his washing for him?

You night need to explain your thinking more as it just seems you think:

  • Him being inconsiderate and self = no issue
  • Her reaction to his behaviour = is a issue.
Guis · 26/02/2023 11:50

AnImaginaryCat · 26/02/2023 10:50

But by your rational, what is there to sort out seeing they aren't in Ukraine?

Do you mean the fact the OP has decided not to cook for her husband or do his washing for him?

You night need to explain your thinking more as it just seems you think:

  • Him being inconsiderate and self = no issue
  • Her reaction to his behaviour = is a issue.
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A sense of proportion that was all.

Some of the issues on Mumsnet are a bit formulaic. Partner has been nasty to me hasn't he everyone ?

He may well have done. Talk to him. He may well be spoiling for a fight. We don't know why. And until she continues to talk to him, nor will she.
People imagining what he thought etc isn't helpful.

Stating he is this or that also isn't, I think, helpful. And nor is revenge behaviour.
What is needed is to get them to be adults. Talk to each other.
I didn't realise she had decided not to cook for him. I thought she had planned to?

GabriellaMontez · 26/02/2023 12:50

Guis · 26/02/2023 11:50

A sense of proportion that was all.

Some of the issues on Mumsnet are a bit formulaic. Partner has been nasty to me hasn't he everyone ?

He may well have done. Talk to him. He may well be spoiling for a fight. We don't know why. And until she continues to talk to him, nor will she.
People imagining what he thought etc isn't helpful.

Stating he is this or that also isn't, I think, helpful. And nor is revenge behaviour.
What is needed is to get them to be adults. Talk to each other.
I didn't realise she had decided not to cook for him. I thought she had planned to?

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Great idea.

How do you suggest the OP proceeds now?

Tried to talk to him this morning but he just rolled his eyes and walked out the room

Intransigentcat · 26/02/2023 12:52

girlfriend44 · 24/02/2023 22:15

You can still have fun without resorting to wasting money on takeaways and then trying to get into a tit for f tat argument with your husband and going out for another one. Mature much.

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I personally can't stand MacDonald's and definitely fall into the camp of finding it revolting swill. I'd rather eat out once a year at somewhere really special than have a takeaway once a week.

However millions of people really like it indeed they love it, it's a worldwide franchise so very clearly most people don't share my tastes. For them it isn't a waste of money at all but rather a tasty treat that they are happy to pay for.

That's hardly an indication of their level of maturity it's just their personal preference.

Besides if no one went for MacDonalds or takeaways that's an entire industry that would be decimated.