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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The stupid takeaway.

464 replies

Gworlie · 24/02/2023 20:30

My OH has been away for a week and came back today. He turned up this evening with a Chinese takeaway for himself. Didn't even say he was getting one or asked if I wanted one. I've worked all week and done all childcare, which is fine, but when I said "well that's a bit shitty, I'm knackered and hungry too" his response was "well cook something then". I'm raging but he's acting like I'm being crazy.

OP posts:
Guis · 25/02/2023 10:01

Gworlie · 25/02/2023 09:58

@Guis yeah I was waiting for him to get home and then I was going to cook dinner for us all.

Did he know this ?

WalkingThroughTreacle · 25/02/2023 10:02

So he goes away for a week, much of it spent with his mates and then comes back deliberately engineering a fall-out and giving a very good impression of someone who's checking out of the relationship. I'd be wondering exactly what he got up to on his wee trip with his mates.

Original poster
Gworlie · 25/02/2023 10:04

I had asked earlier in the day if he'd be home in time for dinner as I was going food shopping. He said he'd be home for dinner and that he didn't mind what we had. The more I think about it, the more annoyed I get haha. I didn't finish work until 6pm so unless he just presumed I'd have made dinner and eaten it before 6:30pm?

OP posts:
Original poster
Gworlie · 25/02/2023 10:06

But that still doesn't make sense as I'd asked him if he'd be home for dinner and he'd said yes.

OP posts:
Motnight · 25/02/2023 10:07

WalkingThroughTreacle · 25/02/2023 10:02

So he goes away for a week, much of it spent with his mates and then comes back deliberately engineering a fall-out and giving a very good impression of someone who's checking out of the relationship. I'd be wondering exactly what he got up to on his wee trip with his mates.

Have to say that this were my initial thoughts too. Hope that I am wrong.

Guis · 25/02/2023 10:09

You need to get to the bottom of it. Only both of you can.

GreenSunfish · 25/02/2023 10:13

He’s winding you up and then pretending he’s not! Totally manipulative!

Shortpoet · 25/02/2023 10:13

The fact he’s doubling down this morning, rather than saying sorry and being nice to you makes me suspicious. Something has happened while he’s away. He’s trying to rewrite The Script a with you as the bad guy so he can justify it to himself.

CuriousMama · 25/02/2023 10:25

If this is really unusual behaviour you need to be careful. Something is up.
Are there any more red flags?

CuriousMama · 25/02/2023 10:30

As in look after yourself emotionally.

Have you told your sister?

prettybluebell · 25/02/2023 10:47

That's so selfish of him. And just tell you to cook something for yourself if your hungry?! I would find it hard to forgive him for that. Is he always so selfish?

SerafinasGoose · 25/02/2023 11:04

That old devastating riposte from 'Rita, Sue and Bob Too', 'Make your own fucking tea', would be my perennial parrot cry from here on out.

cantitbesimpler · 25/02/2023 11:05

This is very reminiscent of my ex-DH's behaviour as he was checking out of our relationship. He was having an affair. At the time, things like this used to confuse and upset me and we'd have a row (which was then all my fault). Looking back, he already thought of himself as entirely separate and had zero care for me.

If he's always lovely and thoughtful then I guess the week away from you and the kids might have prompted a "just thinking of myself" approach. But then he would have been apologetic - even upset at himself - when he was questioned.

I reckon he's checked out, OP. I'm sorry. If he has, don't waste your efforts on petty revenges, you need to sit down with a third party and talk or make a decision that is in your own best interests. He probably doesn't have your interests at heart any more.

ivykaty44 · 25/02/2023 11:08

id treat him to the same type of attitude tonight

ExcitingTimes2021 · 25/02/2023 11:23

honestly I wouldn’t do his washing. If he chucks it in the machine but doesn’t turn it on, unload it into a wash basket and leave it. If he asks why it’s not been done say you know how the washing machine works, if you want clean clothes wash them.

also I would order yourself and child a takeaway for the weekend. And maybe take them out for lunch too. Do not order for or invite him. If he asks why say you know how the oven works, why don’t you cook yourself something? I thought that’s what we were doing now seen as you sorted yourself last night!

good luck!

BelindaBears · 25/02/2023 11:24

I’d be furious if my DH didn’t even ask me if I wanted some too, he always would even if he hadn’t been away for a week! As I would for him because it’s just basic courtesy.

Schnooze · 25/02/2023 11:25

Enjoy your day out today.

The fact he’s not apologetic is worrying. It does seem as if he’s creating an argument situation though. Are you sure he was away with his mates?

KimberleyClark · 25/02/2023 11:27

He’s a selfish git.

Everyonesinvited · 25/02/2023 11:43

His behavior is toxic and totally unloving. I can't see how you don't have serious issues in your marriage.

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 25/02/2023 11:45

You are going around in circles. Not bringing you a share of food was selfish and thoughtless, but does not necessarily mean he has checked out, it just meant he was only thinking of himself in that moment.
Don't get drawn into playing silly games, it could cost you your relationship. You need to have a proper, grown up talk about how busy you have been all week, and how him not considering you, then his attitude afterwards made you feel.

ArcaneWireless · 25/02/2023 11:45

Emotionalsupportviper · 25/02/2023 08:35

Yellow dusters serve a similar purpose, and there's usually one to hand.

Show quote history

I’m thinking you win mosh

If you also put in a whole box of tissues. 😈

girlfriend44 · 25/02/2023 11:47

ExcitingTimes2021 · 25/02/2023 11:23

honestly I wouldn’t do his washing. If he chucks it in the machine but doesn’t turn it on, unload it into a wash basket and leave it. If he asks why it’s not been done say you know how the washing machine works, if you want clean clothes wash them.

also I would order yourself and child a takeaway for the weekend. And maybe take them out for lunch too. Do not order for or invite him. If he asks why say you know how the oven works, why don’t you cook yourself something? I thought that’s what we were doing now seen as you sorted yourself last night!

good luck!

Lol. What if you can't afford it, all this spending money just to try and get back at someone.
Easier to talk.

bussteward · 25/02/2023 11:49

She’s tried talking, twice. The first time was when he arrived with the takeaway, and he said to cook for herself; the second time today (from the update), he’s still not acknowledging he was a selfish prick. Especially since there was a plan for dinner all along so really he was wasting OP’s time anyway. If he’s refusing to see sense through words, she can show him through actions.

ArcaneWireless · 25/02/2023 11:50

I jest of course.

If he really does not see what he’s done wrong here, or has lost his capacity to say sorry at least for making you annoyed, then you have bigger stir to fry.

PriOn1 · 25/02/2023 12:00

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 25/02/2023 11:45

You are going around in circles. Not bringing you a share of food was selfish and thoughtless, but does not necessarily mean he has checked out, it just meant he was only thinking of himself in that moment.
Don't get drawn into playing silly games, it could cost you your relationship. You need to have a proper, grown up talk about how busy you have been all week, and how him not considering you, then his attitude afterwards made you feel.

I agree that a sensible discussion is needed, if that is possible, given that he seems to be behaving in ways that make having such a discussion difficult. OP would/will need to be very assertive to make it happen.

I honestly can’t see that buying takeaway and bringing it home could be anything but a very deliberate wind-up though. Someone selfish who even had an ounce of empathy or consideration would buy it and eat it before getting home. Had he arrived home late enough to think OP would be in bed, maybe arriving with a takeaway could be him being a bit cheeky and hoping to get away with it. But to arrive home with it, expecting to eat it in front of others, without any valid explanation or even attempt at it, is bizarre behaviour indeed.

To then pretend that it wasn’t shitty behaviour and blame OP, claiming she’s unreasonable, is confirmation that he’s being deliberately offensive. Even if OP was a bit short, any normal person would offer to share, or to order more.

I can’t see how such behaviour could ever be just thoughtless or selfish. You’d have to be incredibly blinkered and completely lacking in any kind of empathy and also social graces, and OP says this isn’t standard behaviour for him.

That he might be doing it to elicit a row is a much more likely explanation, unfortunately.

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