To have said no to babysitting DS’ girlfriends children?

[mdfriend]

Looking for an unbiased opinion to see if I'm BU. DS is 17, he's been in a relationship with a woman for about 2 months. She's 23 and has 2 DCs, 4 and 2.

I'm not happy about the relationship due to her age, and I think it's moving too quickly with DS meeting her children already.

A couple of weeks ago, I came back home and the 2 year old was here with DS, apparently, his gf had asked him to look after her whilst she took the eldest to an appointment. I wasn't happy as I wasn't asked and again, their relationship is new.

DS has asked me to look after her children next weekend so they can go out on a date, apparently her family aren't involved neither are the children’s fathers and usually her friend looks after them but she's also busy.

I've said no, which DS has said I'm being unfair and selfish as I won't be doing anything anyway. I've also never met the eldest, and only met the youngest briefly.

WIBU by saying no?

Oh, come now! He's a 17-year-old kid; he's 7 or 8 years away from his brain being fully developed. Why would any parent want a boy of that age involved with an older woman with kids?

Especially when she is estranged from her family and the father of her toddlers. FFS. No parent would be happy to see a child of any age involved with someone like that.

@girlfriend44 I'm sure you won't feel the same way if your school aged child of 17 was with a grown woman with two kids! He's 17 and got a whole life ahead of him, why should OP encourage him to settle and bring up two kids that aren't even his when he's just a child himself.

Anyone who introduces their young children to a boyfriend (not partner) of under 2 months, lets him babysit one of them and wants a woman who has the barest acquaintance with her or the children to mind them has shockingly bad judgement. This would apply whatever the ages of the parties involved.

Absolutely.

I definitely wouldn't be babysitting either it's far to soon.
You don't know the DC and they don't know you and it's not your problem that GF's family or DC father ain't involved.
You're certainly not selfish so don't cave in if he keeps on.

As much as it would pain me I wouldn't interfere with their relationship, he's 17 and who knows may come to realise that having 2 DC to look out for isn't what he wants at his age.

Exactly.

He is sending his life right down the tubes; clearly she is not careful with contraception and if she does get pregnant, you know she won't terminate.

I'd be asking him to take a week away from her and really think this through.

This 👏👏👏👏

Errr, no, it's the OP's home which her son lives in (unless of course he's on the mortgage/rent agreement). Couple with the fact he's a child, he absolutely cannot do whatever he likes in the OP's home.

By your rationale, the son could have a house party as it's 'his house too'? Or set up a meth lab as it's 'his house too?' I hazard a guess he doesn't do these things, and generally seeks permission if he's having guests over (as he should). His GF and her children are absolutely no different!

I think this is where you remind him that when you date someone who has children there are always children to consider. The worrying fact of a 23 year old dating a sixth former who could be in year 12 is creepy.

More worrying is palming her children off to a complete stranger, one she has never met so she can go on a date. Alarm bells are ringing about judgement.

And no I wouldn't support my 17 year old dating this woman. I would be telling him that just because you like someone does not mean it is right to date them especially given the age gap, I would be getting him to do the maths on when she was 17 how old were you? Plus the fact she already has 2 children and seems to be looking for a ready made babysitter in anyone who will have them. Worrying that she has already introduced them to the 17 year old and allowed him to babysit one of them at just 8 weeks into a relationship. There couldn't be any more red flags.

I cannot imagine leaving my young child with someone I didn’t know at all to go on a date, even if that person is the mother of my new boyfriend.

Stick to your guns but do not blame her, your son may have put you forward for the babysitting before consulting either of you. This only shows how immature he still is to have a relationship with someone with children.

Don’t pester Romeo and Juliet, they will get more entrenched in “saving” their love. Just say that you are not going to be providing any babysitting and it would be better for him not to bring children around, not because you are nasty but because if something happens to them while they are alone with you, it would be your responsibility and you are not prepared to take on that.

Probably the fact that not only was I a decent and quite fun person to be around (and fairly mature having moved out at 17 to go to uni) but I was also very good looking, had an amazing figure, owned my own house and car, had just qualified as a lawyer earning decent money and was entirely self sufficient?

I am 35 and my partner is 24

Your partner is 24 can you not see the difference? 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP you would be an absolute mug to start babysitting this woman’s kids. And as the others have said he needs to use condoms or number 3 will be on the way shortly.

Are you the girlfriend?

I met my DH when I was 16. We said “I love you” two weeks after he “asked me out”, about five weeks after I first met him. Our relationship got intense very quickly and I knew, even at that young age, he was the one.

However, the difference is that DH was also 16. He also lived with his parents and attended school. We were at the same stage in life, had the same power and status in the relationship. It was an equal set-up.

An adult with two children dating a child is not acceptable or appropriate because the power imbalance means he’s susceptible to abuse, manipulation and coercion.

As he is a minor, I would worry about the liability of him babysitting the kids alone at my house, too. If something untoward happened, could the OP or her insurance be held responsible?

Tackle it part by part:

1. You are not selfish to refuse to babysit. You are under no obligation to sit for anyone for any reason.
2. You feel uncomfortable babysitting for a child you have never me.
3. You feel uncomfortable babysitting for children of a partner who he has been together with for such a short period of time. You feel it is inappropriate for him to be so involved with the children after such a short period.
4. All of this is without considering the age gap and the fact he is not yet 18. If he wishes to be treated as an adult, then having a relationship with someone with kids needs to be taken seriously. That means understanding that he can't just dump the kids on his mother so he can go have fun with the girlfriend whilst trying to emotionally blackmail you into doing so.
5. The girlfriend needs take responsibility. She can't just dump the kids on you either. You are not willing to set a precident.
6. If the relationship progresses and goes on, you may review the situation, but both of them need to demonstrate they won't a) take the piss out of you and take you for granted b) need to be responsible.
7. The fact the girl has a two year old means her last relationship didn't end that long ago. She is now rushing headlong into another relationship with a new man, without thought to the children. The new relationship is with someone much younger which says something about her maturity. He needs reminding that she has made some decisions which may not be sensible and he needs to protect himself against more children being part of the equation
8. If he throws his toys out of his pram over any of this, he is demostrating his own immaturity and that needs to pointed out. You ultimately want him to be happy and make decisions that are wise and lead to that happiness rather than ones that are made in haste and without thought just to spite his mother. You would love to see the relationship work out, but he does need to be mindful of the extra complications children bring into that - and understanding that childcare is just the tip of the iceberg on that.
9. Which brings us back to point one. You are not selfish for refusing to babysit for an adult who is taking on the responsibility of child. They are not your responsibility and as a potential grandparent, you will don't expect to have children dumped on you because you haven't raised your son to take you for granted...

If he's an adult, then this is all perfectly fair and reasonable and consistent. If he's a child, you are making valid points out of concern for him. He gets to take his pick in how he chooses to behave.

That’s a ridiculous request. Your son is already playing stepdad as if babysitting is a joint problem to solve.

this is going to absolutely break his heart if this ends and he’s attached to the kids as a father figure. Stand your ground, maintain healthy boundaries, and be there for him when it falls apart. And obviously make sure he understands contraception!

Agree, as you will too OP, have the condoms conversation

I know two men who at this age "trapped" by older women into becoming fathers. Women said they'd take charge of contraception, oh whoops - it failed and they wanted to keep the baby! The pain and fallout are obviously lifelong. He needs to be very aware that unless he is in charge an accident can happen ...

Also you’re not ‘refusing’ to babysit. That suggests there’s an obligation and you’re saying no. You’re declining the offer to do something that is very much not required of you.

@Teateaandmoretea I was just responding to someone asking what a 23 year old would see in a 35 year old which I was able to offer some insight to.
I agree with the OPs concerns.

@RedToothBrush I just love the way you e broken this down. ❤️

OP, I would be sitting your son down and having an adult conversation with him. She's 23, and has 2 children by 2 fathers. Neither of which have anything to do with their children? That's not a coincidence. Her family also have nothing to do with her, also not a coincidence. She introduced her children to yet another man after a couple of weeks. She clearly makes very poor judgement calls.

As a mother of a son, I would be very very worried about her becoming 'accidentally' pregnant again. I'm sure she's said she's on the pill and he doesn't need to worry about condoms.......

I would be telling him all of this, and telling him that I love him and want the best for him and will not be facilitating nor supporting this relationship. If he chooses to date her he does so outside of your home.

A 23yo dating a 17yo is a red flag.

A 23yo with 2 children dating a 17yo is an even bigger red flag.

You're not being at all unreasonable in declining to babysit her children so they can go on a date. The fact he's met them after just two months of dating is bad enough, let alone expecting you to provide childcare.

They both sound immature, but at least he has the excuse of being a child.

As others have said, make sure he is being sensible and using condoms.

This.

A 23yr old woman, not to mention 'with kids' and a 17yr old schoolboy? madness. I agree, imagine flipping this around - 17yr old school girl with a 23yr single dad using the girl and her mum for babysitting.

The double standards on MN do make one chuckle.