To have said no to babysitting DS’ girlfriends children?

[mdfriend]

Looking for an unbiased opinion to see if I'm BU. DS is 17, he's been in a relationship with a woman for about 2 months. She's 23 and has 2 DCs, 4 and 2.

I'm not happy about the relationship due to her age, and I think it's moving too quickly with DS meeting her children already.

A couple of weeks ago, I came back home and the 2 year old was here with DS, apparently, his gf had asked him to look after her whilst she took the eldest to an appointment. I wasn't happy as I wasn't asked and again, their relationship is new.

DS has asked me to look after her children next weekend so they can go out on a date, apparently her family aren't involved neither are the children’s fathers and usually her friend looks after them but she's also busy.

I've said no, which DS has said I'm being unfair and selfish as I won't be doing anything anyway. I've also never met the eldest, and only met the youngest briefly.

WIBU by saying no?

OP, this is concerning. I seriously would disconnect the WiFi or change the password daily, and make him "earn" time online by doing something productive and healthy, like joining you for a walk, putting in jobs applications, doing the shopping or SOMETHING.

Is there a gym he could join? If you have the funds, would he work with a personal trainer? Exercise is known to alleviate depression and perhaps a small sense of mastery over something weight training, whatever would help his moods.

There's no teacher, or anyone in his life whom he respects and might listen to? How does someone get to 17 without any positive role models or authority figures?

One sure way to NOT cure depression is to hibernate in a room alone, scrolling online.

Does he understand what his responsibilities would be if a pregnancy occurs?

Oh God, this thread turns my stomach. What the fuck is wrong with some women asking men they’ve known 2 months to babysit their young kids? It’s how an awful lot of paedophilia and abuse happens. I just want to shake these women I really do.

I believe OP is British, where it wouldn't be considered paedophilia either, so I'm not entirely sure what you somewhat convoluted post's point is.

Someone said this would be pedophilia in Canada and the US and I explained how it wasn't.

wait, what? he attempted suicide and he's NOT in a treatment center or rehab or something? the more updates you add, the worse this situation looks dear OP...
he's truly troubled and should NOT be involved with this woman's children. i realize he's your DS but he's not safe with himself let alone a normal unruly 2 year old child or multiple children. all littles are unruly lol just means they need constant care and attention which a disturbed 17 yr old may not be capable of handling on the regular. you are now officially enabling him if you do not make him be what he himself wants to be-a grown man! that doesn't mean just being able to shag and make babies, it means being a productive member of society...
he needs to have a couple REAL mentors [men who are good fathers and have good work ethics etc] to show him how to navigate this world around us without resorting to permanent solutions [suicide] to solve temporary problems. your DS is in terrible emotional MH trouble if you don't get him into some real therapy and get some help from some male family on your side or his father's [even if NOT him at all] side because he needs to connect with someone who can make a positive impact on his life like now! if you're too afraid to push this wannabe man into doing what regular guys do like work or pay bills or go to school or even get some intense therapy for his deep-seated problems, all the enabling in the world will NOT save him...
i didn't realize he was this troubled boy when you wrote about the relationship he's in. that he won't share where they met and you haven't met her yet speaks volumes about the probable implications of that is. either rehab/treatment center, drug deal, something not cool for him to refuse to tell you. most folks are proud of "their love story" especially while still fresh and fun, maybe they met on the street and she just called him over for sex. who knows, but that he won't share is telling because he's already not proud of it. really doesn't matter because he's so vulnerable to physical/emotional/sexual exploitation while still having so many unresolved MH struggles. this is a recipe for disaster between the little kids, the probably irresponsible mom and his sad ideations...
you shouldn't have to tiptoe around a "grown man" that you've created! he also should have gotten help for his daddy and other need for love issues years ago. enabling and ignoring/avoiding issues is so not the same as loving him. tough love does work but you needed it probably long before the attempt or at least after his recovery from the attempt to help him stay on course and finish whatever positive goals he had started...
if he can't handle real life, he's in big trouble and you have to own your part. work and/or school are real life for him now so if he can't handle either of those because of the "stress", he has no business trying to be in a relationship with this woman and her little major stressors! you needed help with him long ago. you can still get some for yourself and so you can try to help save him as well but you have got to start now please OP...
I'm sorry for all this in your life plus your job etc but it's now or never for you guys...
this is a more serious call for help than i think this forum can provide. please seek some professional guidance now. and for pete sake, please don't get involved with those poor innocent littles. they've probably met enough strangers already; and the mom doesn't want to meet you because they have something to hide besides that she knows she's too old and in too crazy a situation to involve an unstable immature teenager in. this is just very sad all around...
God bless you OP...

Does she actually know he's 17?

Is that why you've not met her, because he is lying about his age?

I can't speak for all of the United states and canada but it is paedophilia in Texas. If you are two years or older than a 17 year old in Texas you can be arrested if you have sex. This law has not changed. So it would only be legally acceptable if his girlfriend was 19 or younger. In the Nova Scotia they have the same laws. I know because I was an 18 yo who was dating a 17 year old and I literally had to check. So you are wrong. I don't pretend to know the laws in the UK so I will let you lot handle that matter.

And a lot of other things besides.

hmm a dating app-he might be not be telling her the whole truth then

hes keen for u not to meet why is that-not saying that hes lied but its a bit suspect maybe this woman has noidea how old he really is

I'm not wrong about various Romeo/Juliet laws with different ages of consent and different age gaps. Texas's laws are one state, but it's not 'all pedophilia' in the U.S. as you suggest. For example, in Florida, a 16 yr old can have sex w/ a 23 year old. Some states have 2 year gaps, some count minors as 16, some as under 18. It VARIES. To make a blanket 'it's considered pedophilia in the U.S.' is inaccurate statement. Also, if the person is over 18 and the other is under 13, it's a class B felony, which is a different kind of crime (with stricter punishments) than statutory rape.

@NoGamesPlease69 as I have said in a PP, he's having counselling and is in a better place than he was. Not sure where you are, but in the UK it is very rare to be sent to a treatment centre due to lack of funds unfortunately and it is usually due to the person not being able to keep themselves safe etc, which DS can/is and I don't believe he is suicidal anymore, he's mainly struggling with anxiety.

@RedToothBrush DS had said she does know he's 17, he did admit that he didn't ask her to meet me (so he made it up about her constantly being busy) asaccording to him it’d be pointless as I'm already judging their relationship without meeting her so he doesn't want me too.

Dear he needs serious help! He's NOT okay or he wouldn't be lying to you, his only real support system regularly. I'm not in the UK but do know about teen depression and struggles like your son has been experiencing though so am very concerned especially about him interacting with her small kids frequently. If he gets too stressed out I worry about him being overwhelmed by that responsibility. I've seen it in young people and it rarely ends well. Is he really doing well in therapy or just going through the motions? He could be lying to his therapist like he's been lying to you! I'll keep you both in my prayers because this isn't a good thing for him right now. Stay safe and blessed OP 🙏🏽 good luck...

PS And for God's sake don't get caught up with those poor Littles. DS should be your only concern 😟 if he wants this so badly, let him do ALL the work including babysitting, buying nappies or whatever and paying bills. He's so entitled by your enabling, he thinks YOU should do it, so please DON'T!!

Of course I’d say the same! It’s NOT paedophilia! What don’t you understand about that??

DS had said she does know he's 17, he did admit that he didn't ask her to meet me (so he made it up about her constantly being busy) asaccording to him it’d be pointless as I'm already judging their relationship without meeting her so he doesn't want me too.
He sounds like a 14/15 year old here moaning that his mummy won't understand him.

I'd point out to him that if he isn't mature enough to buy his own condoms and introduce his girlfriend to his mother, he is absolutely in no way mature enough to be stepping into the poor children's life and it's incredibly arrogant and selfish of him to think he is.

I'm 4 years older than my husband.

My mother's ten years older than hers. She was about 40 when she met him. There's a world of difference between 40 and 30 and 21 and 17.

are they still together @mdfriend