To have said no to babysitting DS’ girlfriends children?

[mdfriend]

Looking for an unbiased opinion to see if I'm BU. DS is 17, he's been in a relationship with a woman for about 2 months. She's 23 and has 2 DCs, 4 and 2.

I'm not happy about the relationship due to her age, and I think it's moving too quickly with DS meeting her children already.

A couple of weeks ago, I came back home and the 2 year old was here with DS, apparently, his gf had asked him to look after her whilst she took the eldest to an appointment. I wasn't happy as I wasn't asked and again, their relationship is new.

DS has asked me to look after her children next weekend so they can go out on a date, apparently her family aren't involved neither are the children’s fathers and usually her friend looks after them but she's also busy.

I've said no, which DS has said I'm being unfair and selfish as I won't be doing anything anyway. I've also never met the eldest, and only met the youngest briefly.

WIBU by saying no?

I was going to say, can you imagine it was a 17 year old girl and a 23 year old man.

There's no problem with someone having dc, but he's too young, the relationship is too new.

It's not fair on the dc.

I don’t think it’s her 17 year old boyfriend’s mum’s job to provide help and guidance, babysitting, or anything else she doesn’t want to do.

Aside from one incessant poster, most people think the OP is NBU and rightly so.
I scrolled too quickly and thought they were different posters. Never mind. 😳

Firstly I did not say this woman was shitty, learn to not put words in other people's mouths it makes you look immature and incapable of comprehension.

Secondly, how is it the responsibility of the op to provide guidance in any way to this woman? She is 23, old enough to have two children and old enough to take responsibility for herself and her personal growth if she can recognize it's lacking.

Who's to say she even wants guidance or help beyond snagging a free babysitter anyway.

@girlfriend44 you're the 23 year old girlfriend aren't you!

Ah your son is just so young for this situation, struggle to see what a grown woman with children wants from a 17 year old kid who isn't legally allowed to drink... if this was reversed and your 17 year old daughter was with a 24 year old man babysitting his kids, people would be up in arms ☹

A 23 yo who has already managed to have 2 children, thinks dating someone 6 years junior is acceptable, introduces those children to that person so quickly, and is willing to let the junior babysit, is clearly not a person to be trusted. At best, the 23yo lacks good judgment.

this isn’t a new suitor that op doesn’t like a bit. This is a potential predator. If the sexes were reversed I really think the responses to this thread would be different.

I maintain that I would not want this situation for my 17 year old son who is not even adult or finished education. I would want him to be with someone who is free to make all kinds of choices about life and to support him not one whose horizons are already partly closed due to her age and children. A mother is entitled to want the best for her children and it has sod all to do with whether the mother is single, married or divorced.

I have to say, I don't really understand this approach.

Assuming the DS and OP have a good relationship, I don't see what the harm is in one frank "i've said my piece" type conversation where OP calmly states her reservations based in her life experience and advises him to take it very slowly wrt being a stepdad figure and be careful about contraception.

He is 17 years old. What if he does end up getting her pregnant in the next few months and he's tied to her his whole life before he's old enough to buy a bottle of wine?

I reckon this thread will soon disappear. Someone's having us on aren't they?

Dont people ever learn to stop moaning about their childrens partners etc?

Even if the OP was happy about the relationship, that wouldn't mean it was reasonable to ask her to babysit two small children she doesn't know so her teenager can have a shag uninterrupted.

He's 17 and he's only been seeing this woman for a few weeks. She isn't a 'partner'. She's someone he's been on a few dates with and who very clearly wants him to step into the role of stepdad immediately.

Her age isn't even the issue here. Anyone who introduces their children to a boyfriend or girlfriend they barely know is best avoided. It shows terrible judgement and crap parenting on her part, and this would be the case even if she was also 17 like the OP's son.

The OP's son is being incredibly naive. He thinks this is what a mature relationship is, and he is wrong. He's basically role-playing as an adult with a family and is trying to embroil the OP into this delusion by casting her in the role of grandma. She isn't stopping her son from seeing the girlfriend, she's just not prepared to validate this charade.

Obviously 23 and 17 is inappropriate, but similarly, what does a 35yo see in a 23yo? 😬

nope. Ive just got the brains to know its best to support your children rather than be judgemental and lose them.
A few others have said the same, tread carefully or you will lose him its not rocket science.
Its also a good point to make that while parents are busy talking about their childrens choice in partner ever thought that may be they dont like your choices either.
Are you still with his dad OP? If not does he like your partner?
Just because im not a sheep and can see there is different ways of looking at things dosent mean your right.

Glad I'm not the only person who was coming round to this idea!

Not a chance in hell I'd be babysitting! The woman has known your son for a maximum of 8 weeks and yet has introduced him to her kids?! This rings alarm bells to me. By all means allow them to date and get to know each other but I certainly wouldn't be facilitating it.

I agree @Ducksurprise, if this was op's 17yo dd and her new 23yo bf was asking for babysitting help there would be an outcry on here.
Sorry but a 23 year old woman should not be looking at a 17yo as boyfriend and defacto step father material.

if your sons happy be happy for him if not you will lose him, he will choose her not you. Dont people ever learn to stop moaning about their childrens partners etc?

He is only 17, she has every reason to be concerned about him having a serious relationship with an adult with two children. He is much too young to be a father figure.
OP you are not being unreasonable to refuse to babysit.

I'd tell him no. You do it once they'll be asking all the time.

Supporting your children doesn't mean you have to agree with them on everything, especially so if you think their actions are detrimental. OP is perfectly entitled to voice her opinion on who her child has a relationship with (and he is still a child, you even refer to him as one!), she isn't blocking him from seeing this woman is she?

Good lord, I would never have considered dating a 17 year old at that age, especially with 2 children in tow. I really can't blame you for not being impressed. I certainly wouldn't feel obliged to mind her children.

I'm a lone parent to a similar age child in my early 30s, father not involved for safeguarding reasons and nobody ever offers to mind them. So I don't date quite simply. Kids come first. The kids she has, not the one she is dating (no offence, I know he is ALMOST 18. But he isn't and to me that's a child).

@PetitPorpoise

Your comment on my post bears no relevance to what I wrote.

No way in a million years would I do this. Don’t get involved. They’re treating you as if you’re the doting granny, you’re not, you’re a stranger. Steer clear. If you do it once, they’ll expect it all the time and if you do it it’s like you’re accepting this relationship. Fingers crossed it fizzles out asap.

Except it does have something to do with OP when she's being asked to pick up babysitting duties for the girlfriend doesn't it?

Well I wouldn't want to facilitate the relationship in any way, so I think you're right to decline. Leaving aside the age gap, it's not a great situation for a 17 year old to get into. He's probably greatly flattered by the attentions of an 'older woman' and having a 'proper grown up' relationship. He needs to (hopefully) find out for himself that this is not a desirable situation - (again hopefully) without bringing another kid into the world.

Have you got the “brains” to recognise that supporting you child does not mean always saying yes and giving them their way? Supporting your child means facilitating and encouraging what is actually best for your child, despite what they may think they want in the short term.

My 3yo likes ice cream and sweets and chocolate. I support him by not letting him have them all the time so he has a healthy diet, undamaged teeth and develops socially appropriate eating/food habits. As a child, he doesn’t recognise that I’m supporting him when I say no to his desires. As an adult, you should be able to recognise that - especially with those big “brains” of yours.