To have said no to babysitting DS’ girlfriends children?

[mdfriend]

Looking for an unbiased opinion to see if I'm BU. DS is 17, he's been in a relationship with a woman for about 2 months. She's 23 and has 2 DCs, 4 and 2.

I'm not happy about the relationship due to her age, and I think it's moving too quickly with DS meeting her children already.

A couple of weeks ago, I came back home and the 2 year old was here with DS, apparently, his gf had asked him to look after her whilst she took the eldest to an appointment. I wasn't happy as I wasn't asked and again, their relationship is new.

DS has asked me to look after her children next weekend so they can go out on a date, apparently her family aren't involved neither are the children’s fathers and usually her friend looks after them but she's also busy.

I've said no, which DS has said I'm being unfair and selfish as I won't be doing anything anyway. I've also never met the eldest, and only met the youngest briefly.

WIBU by saying no?

No you are being perfectly reasonable ,they are not his kids nor your grandchildren,you have no responsibility to them,you do have a responsibility to your son who is clearly being used.
At 17 your son is basically still a kid himself ( let’s face it until 30 they’re all boys) what normal 23 year old woman wants to date a 17 year old boy? There is either something quite perverse about her, or she is educationally subnormal ,either way this relationship is not in his best interests .
Whilst i suggest you refrain from putting a spanner in the works, you should not enable this relationship. Your son should be being a normal teenage lad ,having fun dating girls his own age and deciding on a career ,not being tied to a woman with two kids by two different fathers, at 23 good god!
What I will say is “well done you “for raising such a caring ,responsible young man that is prepared to take on other mens kids. He will make some lass a great hubby and dad, but not this one.

Your son is not even officially classed as a Adult,
and he is with a woman who even even at such a young age has already 🙄 got a lot of emotional baggage to content with,

I am saying this ,as i have been a single parent myself,
So know exactly what is like,
And he and she , both expects you to be quite content to be a baby sitter,

I agree it's ridiculous to expect you to do this,

You are not a member of her family like a mum or Auntie or even a family friend,

It's way too soon,

And quite frankly it's not your responsibility to do this type of role,

So No to this idea,

Just cause she is currently seeing your son,
this doesn't include a free anytime I feel like it type of baby's sitting service arrangement courtesy of you Op,
that's for sure,

It was her choice to have children, so it's her responsibility to find a reliable good enough babysiter

I would tell him, remind him how much hard work struggle bringing up children are,
Sleepness nights etc,
Saying reality

Also don't volunteer to babysit,

Let him and her date with demands of two children allways to Consranly to Consirder too,

Say if he is dating her about all emotional baggage have to contend with,

Why did you say NO because you disapprove of the relationship? Well, that's the best way to lose your son.
If it were me, I'd have done it. You can learn a lot from children about their life.
Also make sure your son rrakes care of contraception or he may become avery soon. father.
I think YABU. You can't control your son, so watch out for him that's your job as a parent!

I think if the OP agrees to babysit, all it will teach her son is that if he becomes a father at the age of 17, it'll be OK because the OP will step in and help.

If he can't get his rocks off because his girlfriend can't find anyone to palm her kids off on, firstly he'll have fewer opportunities to get her pregnant, and secondly he'll get some first hand experience of how having kids can get in the way of doing other things you'd rather be doing and might think twice about it.

It must be so difficult if you have DS who then gets involved with someone already with DC, when the son is not mature enough to see how inappropriate it is to expect his DM to 'babysit' for a perfect stranger's DC, just for his convenience.

So very hard indeed.

Ugh, just .. ugh

"Mumsy will facilitate your shagathon, by babysitting 2 children she's never met, now run along dear, mumsy has it all covered, don't forget to ask me to do all your chores while you're out, now kiss mumsy & tell her how much you love her ..."

What I will say is “well done you “for raising such a caring ,responsible young man that is prepared to take on other mens kids. He will make some lass a great hubby and dad, but not this one.

He's not prepared to take them on.
He expects mummy to.
Even if he WANTED to take them on - he hasn't the means to. No job, no college, his own MH issues still to handle ...

Get used to saying NO without regret.

Parenting isn't about kowtowing to your immature kids in case you "lose" them.
You sound like a doormat.

And apart from buying him his condoms (because he has no money, as he will not work, or attend college, because he is suffering with poor MH), how do you propose that OP "makes sure" he takes care of contraception?

I suspect this young woman is vulnerable herself, but that doesn't preclude her from being an opportunist who could have a convenient 'contraceptive fail' so she can rope New Grandma into providing the care & attention the 2 fathers of her DC, & her pwn parents refuse.

YANBU.
It is not fair for your son to ask you to babysit for children you don't know.

Don’t be ridiculous! Look up the definition of paedophile - you’ll learn it’s not this 🙄
As wrong/gross/inappropriate this is, it’s not paedophilia.

I wouldn't go so far as to call her a paedophile (though in Canada and the US she would be legally speaking) I have discovered that when there's a large age gap like this is less about the young ones being mature (as many try to tell me "I'm just very mature for my age so I need an older person!") and more about the older one being very emotionally immature.

I do think the girl needs to slow down if she already has two uninvolved father's at such a young age. But I get the feeling she's just going to rope OP'S son into whatever unresolved trauma she has and drag him down with herself and her poor children.

Is kind of like watching a slow motion train wreck.

I agree, especially with 3. How does any responsible mother leave her small children with someone she’s never met!

I'm always concerned when these grown-up women with young kids start shagging young inexperienced teens and saddle them with parenting duties that most aren't equipped to handle. Doesn’t ANYONE on here read the news anymore? Almost daily some young man (or woman) with/without MH issues snaps and injures/assaults/kills a small child (especially young females) they were stuck babysitting because the mother had something else to do. Their short fuses, inability to reasonably deal with stressors, not knowing their own strength or just unchecked bad decision making along with some just being plain evil are some of the excuses/reasons heard daily that cannot be reversed or changed after the tragedy occurs.
Sounds like OPs son has probably been interacting with her kids from day one if he's been over there shagging her regularly so he wouldn't see them as strangers per se but to the mom, they are. And for young people, 8 weeks is a whole lifetime 😆 he probably feels like they have been together since grade school. Since OP was almost home free from youngsters, she wouldn't want to be starting all over especially with little kids she's not familiar with.
If he was a self-sufficient adult with a good paying Job and place of his own, this would be a different story but he's still dependent on his mommy so obviously he's NOT ready for the responsibility of a family! Mom/OP is not his backup plan for Her childcare. He probably does want to go on a proper date WITHOUT the kids yet expects his mother to enable his grown-up decisions to do so, like any CHILD would. Just say NO to any babysitting requests OP and see how long he enjoys being an adult with children to take care of.
Sorry but There's probably a good reason her parents have moved on/are NC with her and i believe her poor decisions are probably part of that reason since grandparents usually jump at the chance to care for their own grandkids.
She's only working part-time suggesting she's on the government's welfare system for support and using their childcare resources. All this plus No fathers in the picture and young DS being her willing stand in are the brightest red flags I've seen in ages.
I Agree with ALL the previous posts who think YANBU to refuse to partake in the shenanigans or drink that kool-aid! Stay firm and with any luck your DS will come to his senses or she'll find a real man and drop kick him or it will work out because he had to grow up and be responsible for a family of 4+ at 18...
Good luck OP! You're very reasonable but your son is NOT. And do NOT accept his disrespectful BS when you don’t do what he wants! His smarta$$ can do what he wants as a grown manchild, so let him. But He's gonna need a full-time job to backup that stance so cut the cord mum! Do Not enable this nonsense in any way, they're NOT your problem or responsibility. If he needs a babysitter, let them PAY for one, at her place NOT at yours due to the liability issues. Tough nouggies if he doesn't like it or can't afford it. Not your monkeys or your circus!!! Stand strong and be positive about your life and feelings ✨️ you deserve better than this drama...

Tl;Dr OP you AREN'T being unreasonable, your DS is!!! Best wishes ❤️

In the US this wouldn't be pedophilia and there are laws that state: sexual assault on a person under the age of 12 (some places it's 13). Laws take into consideration the Romeo Juliet factor of young people close in age having consensual sex. Often it's a 3-6 year gap considered legal if the older person is not in a position of authority (coach, teacher). Also, age of consent varies by state where it can be as young as 15. So a 17 year old sleeping with a 23 yr old would likely not be prosecuted for statutory rape and because she's not in a position of authority, there's no sexual misconduct. Let's put her at 30 - even then, it's not considered pedophilia as he is 17.

I should have said 1-6 year gap. So a 18 yr old sleeping with their 17 year old girlfriend/boyfriend is almost never prosecuted as a crime of statutory rape. A 14 yr old sleeping with a 25 yr old would be.

I believe OP is British, where it wouldn't be considered paedophilia either, so I'm not entirely sure what you somewhat convoluted post's point is.

It could possibly be construed as hebephilia, but that's beside the point.

The point is, a teen lad who is not in education or work & can't even afford to buy condoms is ordering his mother around & could soon be in some very hot water. Hot water which eh will look to his mother to mop up for him, when DC 3 pops along.

I haven't read all the replies but wanted to update

DS is getting counselling for his MH although I'm not sure it's doing much as his poor mental health was mainly caused by GCSEs and thinking he wouldn't do well etc. Which is also why he dropped his college course as he thought he'd fail it which I don't think he would've but he missed quite a few days so was falling behind.

He does see his friends albeit not regularly as they are busy with sixth form/college, work and various other things so he either goes to see his gf or he stays in his room most of the day as he refuses to do anything without a reason (for example, he won't just go for a walk as he doesn't find a reason to do it).

I spoke to him last night and he did apologise for how he spoke to me and admitted he met her on a dating app which I'm not happy about as he's underage.

We don't have family he's close too that can speak to him unfortunately as I doubt he'd listen

@frazzledbutcalm ahh but would you be saying the same thing if it was a 17 year old girl and a 23 year old guy. I’ll bet not! Women can be perverts too!

So all he does is sit in his room all day? Jesus, he needs a kick up the ass and so do you @mdfriend

Come off it. If 'nobody is a slapper' why would there need to be a word for it?

This reply makes absolutely no sense.

He does see his friends albeit not regularly as they are busy with sixth form/college, work and various other things so he either goes to see his gf or he stays in his room most of the day as he refuses to do anything without a reason (for example, he won't just go for a walk as he doesn't find a reason to do it).
So he's basically wasting his teenage years sitting in his room unless he's going to see his girlfriend?

This is not a healthy situation for him given he has no world beyond her.

At best she's lacking maturity, likely damaged from her own experiences as a child and is passing down intergenerational dysfunction, but at worst there's a predatory adult who has targeted a minor with mental health issues and little going for him on a dating site and is grooming him to slot in to play the brand new daddy figure.

I don't think a 23 year old dating a 17 year old makes them a pervert!