To have said no to babysitting DS’ girlfriends children?

[mdfriend]

Looking for an unbiased opinion to see if I'm BU. DS is 17, he's been in a relationship with a woman for about 2 months. She's 23 and has 2 DCs, 4 and 2.

I'm not happy about the relationship due to her age, and I think it's moving too quickly with DS meeting her children already.

A couple of weeks ago, I came back home and the 2 year old was here with DS, apparently, his gf had asked him to look after her whilst she took the eldest to an appointment. I wasn't happy as I wasn't asked and again, their relationship is new.

DS has asked me to look after her children next weekend so they can go out on a date, apparently her family aren't involved neither are the children’s fathers and usually her friend looks after them but she's also busy.

I've said no, which DS has said I'm being unfair and selfish as I won't be doing anything anyway. I've also never met the eldest, and only met the youngest briefly.

WIBU by saying no?

If you don't want to babysit someone's kids, you don't have to. It really is that simple.

How long are they asking you to have the children for? If it's just a few hours while they go for a meal, I think its a bit mean to say no if you have no other plans. If it's longer than that, then you can say no, it's too much, too soon, with children that you don't know.
I would be having a serious chat with your DS about contraception and making absolutely sure that he doesn't get her pregnant. He will work out for himself whether or not this one is a keeper pretty quickly. Better to keep them close and keep an eye on how things are going, surely? Otherwise he will end up moving in with her and then you've completely lost any hope of influence.

I guess it depends how much you want to see of your 17 YO. You either welcome this woman in and treat her as part of your family, or you don't-but if you push him towards her then he'll be off.

Personally, I'd grit my teeth, welcome her in and get to know her-she may be lovely! I'd babysit but under strict limits and initially just for a couple of hours in the day and insist they get home at the agreed time and not drunk!

Don't be ridiculous, she is 23yr old mother of two with no family involvement from her side at all and thinks nothing of leaving her young children with a 17yr old after knowing him for 2 months and also seemingly finds it OK to have his mother babysit.

This woman has issues with boundaries and a lack of safeguarding concerns for her own children, no one would think this is a great person to start or encourage a relationship with.

YANBU, but I agree that you need to tread carefully. You don't want to alienate your son, even though this is a relationship that many parents would be worried about.
Have you actually met her? I wonder if inviting her round and trying to establish as many links between the two of you in your sons mind as possible might help? So, try to show as many things in common with her as you can. Shared interests, experiences as mothers etc, which will make her seem more "mumsy" rather than "sexy older woman" in his head. Outright opposition will push him further towards her. You can still maintain a boundary about babysitting for kids you don't know.

You're absolutely not being unreasonable. Why would this woman want to leave her 2 young children with someone she doesn't know. If it was my 17 yo son in this 'relationship' I wouldn't be happy either.

So many red flags. YANBU.

have to wonder what a 23YO woman sees in a 17YO though, my partner at 23 was 35!!

Don't be ridiculous, she is 23yr old mother of two with no family involvement from her side at all and thinks nothing of leaving her young children with a 17yr old after knowing him for 2 months and also seemingly finds it OK to have his mother babysit.

This woman has issues with boundaries and a lack of safeguarding concerns for her own children, no one would think this is a great person to start or encourage a relationship with.
Absolutely this.

The thread responses would be very different if it was a 23 year old man with no family involvement dating a 17 year old girl, expecting his girlfriend of 8 weeks to watch his kids and then saying his girlfriend's mum should have the kids so they can go out.

Why should young children have a revolving door of significant adults in their life based on who their parent is shagging?

There's no way I'd babysit but I wouldn't let on that it's because I don't approve, I'd say that it's not fair on the children to have someone they don't know looking after them. I'm surprised that the mum's even considering it tbh, because she doesn't know you either - you could be bad tempered, shouty, heavy drinker etc. Does she often leave them with people she doesn't know?

No way, before you know it you’ll be on call as chief babysitter every 5 minutes. I wouldn’t want to engage with this from the outset. I have to admit, I’d feel anxious if my 17yo DD was dating a 23 year old man with 2 kids.

not necessarily,

is his mother still with his father if not he might have something to say about her relationships in life.

If your son is happy you need to be happy for them. Getting arsy and showing off because it dosent suit you is a recipe for disaster. You will lose him.
Most people know this deep down but have to keep complaining and showing off because the women is not perhaps the women she would have chosen for her son. Learn to accept it. Like others have had to accept your choice in life.

You are quite within your rights to refuse.

YANBU at all.

It might be legal, but very few reasonable people would be happy about a 17 year old lad involved with a 23 year old with 2 little kids already, despite what some posters on this thread are implying.
I have a 20 year old son and I wouldn't be happy with this, let alone a 17 year old.

perhaps she just needs a little help and guidance in life then, not people telling her like you are how shitty she is!!

And I’d say, “No, I have no interest in babysitting. It’s not something I’d find fun or interesting”.

If he wants to date a woman with DC then he needs to feel the impact of her having DC.

There won't be date nights without the DC because she has DC.

If he wants date nights without DC, he dates a woman who doesn't have kids.

The sooner he gets to realise how children curb a 17yr old's social life the better

Ducksurprise -You make a very good point.

Could you imagine the responses if it was a 17 year old girl - hooked up with a 23 year old dad with two DC.

No. You don't have to accept anything.

My door would always be open to my children but I am not going to facilitate something I consider detrimental.

Unless you are the girlfriend then nobody is telling this girl anything are they? Because she’s not on here. Why’s it OPs job to provide guidance to this stranger? The woman hasn’t even bothered getting to no OP before trying to ditch her kids on her.

Aside from one incessant poster, most people think the OP is NBU and rightly so.

What sort of a person foists their children off on a teenage boy that they barely know?!

OP, I would sit and have a firm chat with your son. He has his whole life ahead of him and doesn't need baggage like this. And yes, I would say exactly the same to a teenage girl.

A 23yo parent should not be dating a child. The law needs to be changed in my opinion, we need a system that reflects that whilst a 16yo may be capable of consenting to another 16yo in a safe and mature way, a child should not be engaging in a romantic relationship with someone who is 35% older than they are and with significantly more life experience. The power dynamic is offset and that is, more often than not, a pre-cursor to abuse.

YANBU OP. But, keeping her sweet may work better in your favour in the long run. The more against this relationship you are, the closer they’ll get. It’ll create an “us against the world” mentality that’s very hard for him to break. I’d kill them with kindness until it breaks down of its own accord (and hopefully without another pregnancy).

"Why would I babysit a strangers children?"

The whole thing is weird.

perhaps she just needs a little help and guidance in life then, not people telling her like you are how shitty she is!!
Why would people be giving her guidance on a thread where a 17 year old's mother is concerned about the speed that their child's relationship with an adult is going?

I'd not be terribly happy about any of my DC being involved in a relationship like this, and it certainly wouldn't be my job as parent of a teenager to teach another adult that it's shitty dumping your kids on any Tom Dick and Harry.

I think it's just the one poster that doesn't agree with the op, but they have written many posts.

I think they genuinely might be the girlfriend