To have said no to babysitting DS’ girlfriends children?

[mdfriend]

Looking for an unbiased opinion to see if I'm BU. DS is 17, he's been in a relationship with a woman for about 2 months. She's 23 and has 2 DCs, 4 and 2.

I'm not happy about the relationship due to her age, and I think it's moving too quickly with DS meeting her children already.

A couple of weeks ago, I came back home and the 2 year old was here with DS, apparently, his gf had asked him to look after her whilst she took the eldest to an appointment. I wasn't happy as I wasn't asked and again, their relationship is new.

DS has asked me to look after her children next weekend so they can go out on a date, apparently her family aren't involved neither are the children’s fathers and usually her friend looks after them but she's also busy.

I've said no, which DS has said I'm being unfair and selfish as I won't be doing anything anyway. I've also never met the eldest, and only met the youngest briefly.

WIBU by saying no?

YANBU - this will make him see as well that if he's choosing to be with a older woman with kids that they can't just dump them for a night out and that it's a real commitment.

Also YANBU as you haven't even met the eldest really inappropriate for you to be babysitting them so quick.

I do hope that's a joke, or that you don't have children.

No mother in their right mind would be happy about their 17 year old 'child' being in a relationship with a 23 year old adult who had 2 children and family/fathers around to support them.

Not only is the mother of the children being hugely irresponsible in introducing someone to them this early on, she's also chosen a 'child' which implies she wanted someone who she could manipulate and use for her own benefit.

I assume your son lives at your home, in which case I would be asking him not to bring the children around without asking you first. I would also be having a chat about safe sex, and encouraging him to enjoy life and not get tied down too early.

You are definitely not being unreasonable!
Aside from anything else, you don't know those children. It wouldn't be fair on you or them for you to babysit.
Suggest they stay in for the evening if they can't get a babysitter. I'm sure your 17 year old will soon get fed up of nights in with two small children while his mates are out having fun.

I've no doubt about that at all!

It's an inappropriate relationship that has every chance of resulting in the 17 year old finding himself a father of her 3rd child and (obviously) a lifelong commitment to the child.

"Supporting" your 17 year old doesn't mean you must go along with every dodgy decision they make - quite the opposite.

I find the idea of his girlfriend being willing for OP (a total stranger to her and her children) to babysit her 2 and 4 year old children completely bonkers. I can just about get that she would trust her 17 year old boyfriend to care for her 2 year old whilst she took the 4 year old to an appointment, but only because I'd expect her to be back and taking over PDQ - an hour, two hours tops?

Her boyfriends mum, who she has never met, could be all sorts of bad for her children. No, to be willing to leave your kids in a stranger's care / control / power - no. You'd want to at least meet them first. Confirm to yourself that your boyfriend's praise of his mother was well-founded and not just lying for his own convenience. You'd want your children to meet her too, rather than expect them to get on with a total stranger.

And yes, as others have said, I'd grit my teeth and plough through the embarrassment on both our parts and discuss contraception, what would he do if she got pregnant again, etc.

YANBU.

I have a 23 year old dd and a 17 year old ds - they’re worlds apart in their thinking/maturity/life experience/outlook - and that’s without the 23 year old having kids - throw a couple of kids into the mix and her maturity etc should go up even more, so her being with a 17 year old is very weird imo.

As a pp has said, supporting your dc doesn’t mean agreeing with them and doing what they want. Chat with your ds, explain why you’re not comfortable with babysitting. His choice of girlfriend is nothing to do with you, but how much you accommodate it, is.

YANBU @mdfriend

The young woman has appalling judgement if she thinks it's desirable for a woman she barely knows to look after her young children. When my DC were that age, the only people I trusted to look after them were my own parents.

Your DS also needs to realise that if he wants to be in a grown-up relationship with a woman with two small children, he can forget about date nights for any kind of foreseeable future.

I also wonder what she sees in a boy who's presumably still at school.

He's 17!!! And with a woman 6 years older with two kids who is putting him in a dad role already! You think this is fine and the mother shouldn't have an opinion on it?!

No you aren't being unreasonable and this is not a healthy situation. She barely knows him, and she's not only introduced him to but is giving him unsupervised access to her children. If she's a grown woman with very young kids who wants to date a child she either needs to pay for a babysitter or ask someone who has a relationship with the children. I'd be saying that even if your son was 25, it's not right of her or him to ask you to do this, and it's not right for the kids.

Absolutely not. You can explain to him that when you are a child, dating an adult who has children with two separate fathers already, meaning that there are two other men in her life already (presumably with their own mothers) who can babysit their own children, it doesn't fall to him to sort out her childcare for her.

I know it's toe-curling, but as the only things you know about this woman is that she has two children by two different men at the age of 23 and has extraordinarily irresponsible taste in the opposite sex (i.e. minors), you have to assume the very worst when it comes to her approach to contraception and that she will take zero steps to prevent your son from becoming father number 3.

Maybe she's the loveliest girl in the world, financially secure and is actually doing an MSc in Biochemistry at Oxbridge on a full scholarship and just happened to have two completely unexpected and blameless contraception failures, with zero intention of taking advantage of a CHILD but we don't know any of that - only what you have told us, and you have to protect your son first, not this perfect stranger he has brought into your life.

Yep - definitely the girlfriend!

I wouldn’t do it but as others have suggested I’d be making an excuse rather than having an argument at this point

OP - stick to your decision. Apart from anything else, it’s truly terrible maternal judgment to leave your pre-school child alone with someone you’ve known for 2 months in a peripheral way.

What would you do if they fell out, and to get back at him, she blamed you for child abuse? Way too risky.

He’s old enough to have a girlfriend - he’s got to own the situation. Teach him ownership of the consequences of his actions.

The best way is to stand well back.

If it turns out to be true love - you can get stuck in as the grandmother figure - if you want.

Normal grown adults who have kids of their own don’t shag school kids. It’s weird - I don’t care how legal it is - it’s still weird. It’s not “age gap crap” to think adults shouldn’t date kids. Even if they were both 17 it’s highly inappropriate to ask for babysitting from a woman you’ve never met. Most parents wouldn’t have even introduced their kids at that stage. The fact that she has indicates how inappropriate the whole thing is.

“AIBU to leave my very small dc with a woman I’ve never met and who has never met my dc so I can go on a date?” - yes, you are.

lmao at “partner”. A 17yo who met someone 2 months ago isn’t a “partner”. Someone on here called their 14yos boyfriend their partner last week. Can’t teenagers just have casual relationships anymore? Tethered to a “Partner” and organising babysitters for dates at 17. What parent would be thrilled about that?

“Could you imagine the responses if it was a 17 year old girl - hooked up with a 23 year old dad with two DC.”

I think we’d say that he sounds like a useless dick not even fulfilling his limited contact time, instead trying to dump the kids on his impressionable young girlfriend’s mum.

And we’d still say no to babysitting 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP - what is your ds's level of education - at 17 he should be concentrating of that and getting qualifications and/or work experience. Is he still at school? What GCSEs /O level has he got?

Hmm. Even if not the girlfriend, she made a post saying that she supposedly works with vulnerable people and couldn’t understand why it was a safeguarding issue when two of them wandered off from the group unnoticed and got into a stranger’s car. So, not the best at exercising good judgement or considering the safety and security of others.

This. Absolutely.

@Letterfor I am 35 and my partner is 24. We met through work so have lots of common ground there. I have never been happier, out of all my relationships he is the most intelligent, interesting,kind and most grown up. We are currently expecting our first baby and both sides of our families couldn't be happier. I am aware it doesn't work for everyone, but it most definitely can work and is unfair to judge just based on an age gap 😊

Why are people calling her his 'partner'?! He's 17 and only known her a few weeks.

I wouldn't be doing anything to support the relationship. He'd be finding out immediately, what life is like when you have 2 children.

Does he have a job? Can he pay for a babysitter? He needs a taste of reality.

Not unreasonable at all. He's a child, and you'd be enabling a relationship you disapprove of. You need to protect him (and you) from being taken for a ride - which is what is happening.

If your ds was say 30 but still living at home, has a gf who is 36 with little kids, it would still be a no.
Mainly because she hasn't even got to know OP yet, hasn't asked herself and the relationship is only a few weeks old.

The expectation that OP will babysit a stranger's kids without even being directly asked by the mum is just not on.

Here OP, l don't know you but can you look after my kids whilst I go out on a date with your child.... nope!

I can't think what a mother of 2 sees in a 17yo. I love my DS dearly who is similar age but no way would he be potential stepdad material at his current stage in life. As others have said ensure contraception is watertight, and I would be advising that anyway.

Is your DS working/college?

Oh dear.......that explains a lot of her reasoning on this post then!

You're absolutely not being unreasonable saying no to babysitting her children.

However here

A couple of weeks ago, I came back home and the 2 year old was here with DS, apparently, his gf had asked him to look after her whilst she took the eldest to an appointment. I wasn't happy as I wasn't asked and again, their relationship is new.

you are being unreasonable. It's your son's home and if he wants to babysit his girlfriend's child there I don't see a problem.