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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have said no to babysitting DS’ girlfriends children?

441 replies

mdfriend · 24/02/2023 14:24

Looking for an unbiased opinion to see if I'm BU. DS is 17, he's been in a relationship with a woman for about 2 months. She's 23 and has 2 DCs, 4 and 2.

I'm not happy about the relationship due to her age, and I think it's moving too quickly with DS meeting her children already.

A couple of weeks ago, I came back home and the 2 year old was here with DS, apparently, his gf had asked him to look after her whilst she took the eldest to an appointment. I wasn't happy as I wasn't asked and again, their relationship is new.

DS has asked me to look after her children next weekend so they can go out on a date, apparently her family aren't involved neither are the children’s fathers and usually her friend looks after them but she's also busy.

I've said no, which DS has said I'm being unfair and selfish as I won't be doing anything anyway. I've also never met the eldest, and only met the youngest briefly.

WIBU by saying no?

OP posts:
stacyvaron · 25/02/2023 19:37

No, no, and nooooooo.

Son is showing his age and lack of maturity by flipping out.
Good for you for establishing boundries from the get-go. Let him know from the gate that you're not going to be a babysitter for whoever he wants to date.

AllyArty · 25/02/2023 19:38

I don’t think they are treating you well. What sort of mum of young children does not want to meet their new partners mum, a mother/ grandmother figure and someone that could be a great asset in her children’s life. I don’t believe she is too busy to meet you. If I were you I would stick to you guns and tell your son that you may well babysit in the future but first things first, you want to meet them. She may be lovely but he is v young to be taking on so much. Good luck, the situation must be a worry for you.

babybaillie · 25/02/2023 19:44

If he’s happy I’d go with it. It might not last. But if it does they could be in your life for a long time. Do it for your son

GoodChat · 25/02/2023 19:47

babybaillie · 25/02/2023 19:44

If he’s happy I’d go with it. It might not last. But if it does they could be in your life for a long time. Do it for your son

And what about her young children being passed from pillar to post? What about the effect on them?

Emotionalsupportviper · 25/02/2023 19:51

AllyArty · 25/02/2023 19:38

I don’t think they are treating you well. What sort of mum of young children does not want to meet their new partners mum, a mother/ grandmother figure and someone that could be a great asset in her children’s life. I don’t believe she is too busy to meet you. If I were you I would stick to you guns and tell your son that you may well babysit in the future but first things first, you want to meet them. She may be lovely but he is v young to be taking on so much. Good luck, the situation must be a worry for you.

What sort of mum of young children does not want to meet their new partners mum

What sort of mum of young children is happy to hand them over to someone she's never even met?

MeridianB · 25/02/2023 19:52

The GF sounds absolutely horrific. 23 and dating a 17yo child. Introducing him to her tiny children within a few weeks. Leaving her tiny child with him to look after! I agree with the PP who recommended sending him to be a sheep shearer in NZ.

Is your son receiving expert help for his MH following his suicide attempt? The last thing he needs in his life is an unstable adult without boundaries.

He’s being very secretive about this woman - if everything is so rosy, why wouldn’t he tell you how they met? I’d be finding some constructive things for him to do with his time to try to dilute the focus on her.

NotTooOldPaul · 25/02/2023 19:53

When my son was 17 one of his friends of the same age met a woman aged 28. She had children but they got together and I felt sorry for her as she was not always welcome when the boys and their girlfriends got together.
My son is now 44 and his friend is still with the same partner, she must be 55 now with grown up children.
It can work sometimes.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 25/02/2023 19:53

AllyArty · 25/02/2023 19:38

I don’t think they are treating you well. What sort of mum of young children does not want to meet their new partners mum, a mother/ grandmother figure and someone that could be a great asset in her children’s life. I don’t believe she is too busy to meet you. If I were you I would stick to you guns and tell your son that you may well babysit in the future but first things first, you want to meet them. She may be lovely but he is v young to be taking on so much. Good luck, the situation must be a worry for you.

Please don't refer to him as her "partner." For god's sake, he's a teenage boy with no skills, no higher education, no job and apparently zero responsibilities in life. He is not a "partner." He is a teen being manipulated by someone with terrible judgment.

This woman has apparently alienated every other adult in her life, and in her children's life, and now has turned to teenagers to fulfill her needs for sex, companionship and apparently babysitting. Probably money, too. No woman of decent character would do this.

wentworthinmate · 25/02/2023 20:01

This is a clear case of children having children. Let’s hope this relationship finishes sooner rather than later and he doesn’t get her pregnant with number three. Don’t look after them, ever. Just don’t start down that path of enabling her as you will be lumbered more and more.

Sillyname63 · 25/02/2023 20:02

CupEmpty · 24/02/2023 14:26

Please make sure your son is using condoms. She will be pregnant again soon.

TBH this was my first thought,
My friends son got caught in a relationship with an older women who already had 3 children by 2 different father's and ended up trying to care for his son and the others children because she couldn't or wouldn't. The thing is at 17 They are led by their hormones not their brains.

Blondeshavemorefun · 25/02/2023 20:04

When small children are involved I think 6mths is a good timescale for them to meet a new partner

So your dd shouldn't be looking after them alone

You shouldn't be bs them either - even more so if haven't actually met the mum either

LoisLane66 · 25/02/2023 20:08

She already has at least 2 failed relationships with the 2 fathers of her 2 kids.
How is the OP's 7 year old son going to afford to take her out on a date and where would they be sleeping after the date? Would she be picking up her kids to take home to wherever she lives or expect the OP to have them overnight? Red flags all the way. The 17yr old probably feels a 'real man' having an older woman with a ready made family but if the OP isn't careful, then he'll be asking if the woman can live with him if she gets pregnant by him.
The lad hasn't even started on his life, got a job (is he working?) or enjoyed being free and unencumbered, going out with mates, holidays etc. She sees him as being easily flattered and manipulated.
As for babysitting her children. Not in a million years.

whybeabitch · 25/02/2023 20:11

LolaSmiles · 25/02/2023 18:55

whybeabitch
I'd probably consider it if DS was 17, his girlfriend was 18/19, they'd been together more than 8 weeks, hadn't rushed into inappropriately introducing adults into the child's life. If I'd met the girlfriend and the children then I'd feel happier about it.

I'd be wary of two teenagers being teenagers, and would strongly advise they sort their contraception out, but I wouldn't be an arse.

A 23 year old adult who has 2 children by two men, neither are involved, no involvement of her DC's paternal families, no involvement of her family, dating a 17 year old boy, both in a situation where yet another fella has been introduced to the children within a couple of weeks, and the 17 year old boy is already providing childcare and expecting his mother to babysit and buy his condoms isn't a situation most parents would want to facilitate.

Not your relationship - not your problem! This is so controlling and damaging. Leave the son to make decisions for himself, he's an adult...

whybeabitch · 25/02/2023 20:14

Why is everyone so offended by children meeting adults?

Babysitters don't necessarily introduce themselves 8 weeks before looking after your child, same with teachers or step in teachers, ward nurses etc.... what's the deal with the introduction?

No one is asking for them to call her grandma 😂

Rick81 · 25/02/2023 20:16

17yo and already someone elses mess( responsibility) on his shoulders. How could you allow this to happen? Clearly u don't care about him enough. He is not a local clean up man, he needs to launch his own life and pretty much he is failing. He doesn't even understand what he is getting him self into. As a young boy he thinks that's it " I got my first nut ,and am the man". Babysitting is not your problemem here!!! Your problems are about to start when u don't do anything about him ruin his life. Where is his father? Let me guess,not present.

MsDee1995 · 25/02/2023 20:16

I wouldn't do it either. It sounds like this GROWN woman is looking to latch on to this NOT YET GROWN young man, and it's not good. Not sure where you are, but in this country, she might possibly be in jail already if she was having an intimate relationship with a man who was not of legal age yet. And I mean for goodness sake....she has no family around?? Why IS that? Is she one of those women who prey on young guys because she knows that they aren't mature enough to understand that she might be USING them?

If he thinks that dating this older woman WITH children is what he wants, then he has to do the "grown up" thing that a "man" in that situation would do, and that would be to find their own sitter...I mean....since they "know what they're doing"...right??

Anyone who disagrees with that, and thinks that this is ok, is young and immature themselves. You can tell that, simply by that statement alone. Mature people know better. And yes, it IS about the "age gap", because any woman with children, would know that a 17 high school student really has nothing to offer her. ...well....except maybe a babysitter. 😏

Desertbarncat · 25/02/2023 20:17

You are going to end up with a grandchild soon. I know there’s nothing you can do about it but a 23 year old dating a 17 year old is predatory and weird. They are in completely different phases of their lives. I’d be embarrassed as a 23 year old to be dating a 17 year old. And if I were you I wouldn’t do anything to make their relationship easier.

He needs to see very clearly what it is like to have children at 17. It’s hard, you don’t get to go do fun things with your friends, and it isn’t your parents responsibility to babysit or subsidize your lifestyle. Hopefully he will come to his senses and find an age appropriate relationship before he’s trapped.

RosesAndHellebores · 25/02/2023 20:17

@whybeabitch at 17 he is not an adult. In fact evidence based research indicates that males do not reach full maturity until 25.

I wonder why the young woman's family aren't helping. Ornthe fathers of her two children?

RosesAndHellebores · 25/02/2023 20:20

I think the saddest thing if this is that the lass is likely to be living in social housing and the lad will think he is awfully grown up to move in with her.

No job, soon another baby on the way and college prospects blown.

xprincessxjanetx · 25/02/2023 20:24

YANBU...I wouldn't be touching this situation with a 10 foot barge pole.

xprincessxjanetx · 25/02/2023 20:24

I know you've said about condoms but IME you need to brace yourself for a potential pregnancy in the near future.

Caelan2018 · 25/02/2023 20:31

YANBU I have a 17 year old son who is dating a 18 Yr old from school they are getting on great but then again have same interests and no kids involved ... my point is I would go mad if he was seeing a 23 Yr old with kids what is she playing at seriously ... what does a 23 Yr old woman with 2 children see in a 17 Yr old child cos he is under 18 ... I can't figure it out and of course say NO ... Stand your ground on this

frazzledasarock · 25/02/2023 20:33

I wouldn’t babysit the children and I wouldn’t buy him any more condoms either. Remind him he’ll be babysitting three children if he doesn’t take care of his own contraception.

and as for him moving in with her. How many 23 year olds with two kids would be thrilled at a 17 year old without a job living with her. She’ll have an extra mouth to feed and clean up after that will kill off the relationship fast. Unless he’s brilliant at childcare/housework and cooking.

asking your new boyfriends mother to babysit your kids for free without her having so much as met you or both the kids or them all interacting first, is utterly unreasonable, stupid and neglectful. Nothing like hiring a qualified childminder who you meet first and have a settling in period etc.

Caelan2018 · 25/02/2023 20:36

This is ao true

MeanCanadianLady · 25/02/2023 20:40

I would tell him to watch the kids as they will be preparing him for fatherhood which he will be entering sooner rather than later at this pace.