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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have said no to babysitting DS’ girlfriends children?

441 replies

mdfriend · 24/02/2023 14:24

Looking for an unbiased opinion to see if I'm BU. DS is 17, he's been in a relationship with a woman for about 2 months. She's 23 and has 2 DCs, 4 and 2.

I'm not happy about the relationship due to her age, and I think it's moving too quickly with DS meeting her children already.

A couple of weeks ago, I came back home and the 2 year old was here with DS, apparently, his gf had asked him to look after her whilst she took the eldest to an appointment. I wasn't happy as I wasn't asked and again, their relationship is new.

DS has asked me to look after her children next weekend so they can go out on a date, apparently her family aren't involved neither are the children’s fathers and usually her friend looks after them but she's also busy.

I've said no, which DS has said I'm being unfair and selfish as I won't be doing anything anyway. I've also never met the eldest, and only met the youngest briefly.

WIBU by saying no?

OP posts:
ChristinaAlber · 24/02/2023 22:28

I’m slightly suspicious of an op drip feeding information about dads in prison etc but who doesn’t seem to respond at all to the many very sensible suggestions here

SpaceOpera · 24/02/2023 22:32

@TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu

To quote my earlier post to the mum: “…attempt to rebuild a relationship with his dad (with your help)”. Followed by a list of the benefits that would accrue from a supportive paternal relationship over the course of the child’s life.

I did not mention any force being used.

After this post, the OP revealed that the father had been in and out of prison. With that new information, I elaborated on my position in two posts above.

Calphurnia88 · 24/02/2023 22:40

girlfriend44 · 24/02/2023 22:18

Is that all you can think of.
OK I'll try another one.
Would the mum have liked her mum interfering in her relationships when she was younger?

Show quote history

Would the mum have liked her mum interfering in her relationships when she was younger?

Probably not, but I fail to see how that changes the fact that this situation is concerning on a number of levels.

Why are you so invested?

SpaceOpera · 24/02/2023 22:56

OP. I am so very sorry to hear that his father is not in a position to advise your boy.

Does your boy have any extended family he is close to? Is there another adult (family / school / college) who could talk to him about all of this?

When my son told me about some problems with his father, my mother got him to talk to his father’s brother, which helped him a lot and avoided potential conflict.

HolyZarquonsSingingSeals · 24/02/2023 23:14

How dare he assume your time is his to dispose of because you are 'not doing anything anyway'. He needs to learn some respect.

ItchyBillco · 24/02/2023 23:45

This has got shitshow written all over it.

NevieSticks · 25/02/2023 01:29

girlfriend44 · 24/02/2023 15:44

Mumsnet spends its life telling people not to be judgemental etc and be kind and then theres people who are slagging this woman off , they dont even know.

Even if she has got two kids with different dads its not uncommon today. I bet theres plenty of people on here who had different fathers for their children.
Shame on people running down a woman they dont know, how dare she have two kids by different dads and she got pregnant all on her own of course.

Show quote history

Ultimately it IS a woman who decides to get pregnant by not using contraception. It is HER body and HER decision. If she doesn't want a baby then she knows what to do.

Carlycat · 25/02/2023 01:37

What an absolute shit show

  • don't babysit. They're taking the piss
  • have kids, accept the consequences
  • make sure your ds is using a condom otherwise another ' accident' will be on its way
Carlycat · 25/02/2023 01:53

Gf should be reported to ss leaving her child with someone she barely knows. So many red flags here

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 25/02/2023 01:56

HolyZarquonsSingingSeals · 24/02/2023 23:14

How dare he assume your time is his to dispose of because you are 'not doing anything anyway'. He needs to learn some respect.

Very good point.

MH issues are no excuse for treating his mother this way.

turrrniiipz · 25/02/2023 02:08

No way would I be looking after the children of a woman I've never met.

If they had established their relationship over a year or so then she introduced the kids to him slowly, then me, I would consider it once I'd got to know them.

But a few weeks in and him already babysitting shows such poor judgement on her part. She obviously managed in some way, or had some kind of babysitting help before she met your son.

She doesn't know you and hasn't met you but would leave her kids with you for 'a date'. Nah. They are dating, it's not an appropriate for her dates mum to babysit.

The age gap isn't huge, but it's significant because your son is not yet considered an adult. It's a dynamic I wouldn't be comfortable with especially as she has children.

Emotionalsupportviper · 25/02/2023 08:05

girlfriend44 · 24/02/2023 22:18

Is that all you can think of.
OK I'll try another one.
Would the mum have liked her mum interfering in her relationships when she was younger?

Show quote history

I don't think that refusing to babysit is "interfering in a relationship".

They can still go out, but they'll have to get another babysitter.

Emotionalsupportviper · 25/02/2023 08:09

HolyZarquonsSingingSeals · 24/02/2023 23:14

How dare he assume your time is his to dispose of because you are 'not doing anything anyway'. He needs to learn some respect.

Absolutely!

Babies are hard work - and even our own children and grandchildren - the ones we know and love, are hard work.

He has no right to volunteer your services, nor does she have any right to assume them either.

I'd be really worried about a relationship like this - I wouldn't "forbid" it (no surer way to make them determined to stay together),but I certainly wouldn't facilitate it either.

monsteramunch · 25/02/2023 08:40

@girlfriend44

he not a child for gods sake

He literally is.

He is legally a child.

HTH.

GabriellaMontez · 25/02/2023 10:59

girlfriend44 · 24/02/2023 22:18

Is that all you can think of.
OK I'll try another one.
Would the mum have liked her mum interfering in her relationships when she was younger?

Show quote history

Interfering?!

He's trying to get his mum involved!!

The OP is trying to stay clear.

You'd have to be deluded to think that 'not babysitting for your 17 year olds, new girlfriends children' is interfering!

girlfriend44 · 25/02/2023 11:31

NevieSticks · 25/02/2023 01:29

Ultimately it IS a woman who decides to get pregnant by not using contraception. It is HER body and HER decision. If she doesn't want a baby then she knows what to do.

Show quote history

Never heard of contraception failing obviously then.
No lambasting the father's who walked away?

girlfriend44 · 25/02/2023 11:34

Calphurnia88 · 24/02/2023 22:40

Would the mum have liked her mum interfering in her relationships when she was younger?

Probably not, but I fail to see how that changes the fact that this situation is concerning on a number of levels.

Why are you so invested?

Show quote history

Invested lol and you arent!
There many ways of looking at things. I'm not a Sheep either.
Anyone with a brain knows that you will alienate your offspring if you moan about their partner. If that's what you want then go ahead.
Anyway whose to say this is even true? So I'll leave it there.

monsteramunch · 25/02/2023 11:45

@girlfriend44

It's really odd you're referring to a 17 year old boy as a 'partner' of an adult mum of two.

He's her boyfriend. Of eight weeks.

There's no partner about it.

Calphurnia88 · 25/02/2023 11:53

girlfriend44 · 25/02/2023 11:34

Invested lol and you arent!
There many ways of looking at things. I'm not a Sheep either.
Anyone with a brain knows that you will alienate your offspring if you moan about their partner. If that's what you want then go ahead.
Anyway whose to say this is even true? So I'll leave it there.

Show quote history

The more you reply the more I am convinced you are the girlfriend.

If you are:

It is concerning that an adult is pursuing a relationship with an adolescent (which is what a 17yo is).

It is concerning that the adult girlfriend has not only introduced her adolescent boyfriend to her young children very early on in the relationship, but has left them alone with him unsupervised.

It is concerning that the adult girlfriend has never met the adolescent boyfriend's mother, and neither have her young children, but the adolescent boyfriend (and presumably the adult girlfriend) expect his mother to look after them unsupervised.

Shall I go on?

If this were my adolescent son I would have no qualms in telling him how it is.

Anyway whose to say this is even true? So I'll leave it there.

You could argue this about any thread on Mumsnet, which would be a quick way to end any sort of discussion. Which is pretty much the point of Mumsnet.

whynotwhatknot · 25/02/2023 12:23

Hes still legally a child cant get married himself lives at home while mummy looks after him

he wont say how they met which is suspect in itself-the whole thing is a potential disaster

IJustHadToLookHavingReadTheBook · 25/02/2023 12:35

If the sexes were reversed everyone would be (rightly) horrified. And even as it is it's far from ideal. Of course YANBU to not babysit. I'd keep a close eye on this relationship and encourage his use of condoms. Best of luck.

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 25/02/2023 13:02

So I'll leave it there.

Please, would you?

Original poster
mdfriend · 25/02/2023 14:39

I’m slightly suspicious of an op drip feeding information about dads in prison etc but who doesn’t seem to respond at all to the many very sensible suggestions here

I didn't think his dad being in and out of prison was relevant seeing as he does see his dad and hasn't for year's. I also haven't read all the posts on this thread I've just been skim reading.

I have reminded DS about using condoms and did buy him a box and he has recently asked me to buy him some more, which I know I shouldn't do as he should be able to buy his own if he's old enough to have sex etc, but if I didn't there obviously is a big pregnancy risk so I have.

OP posts:
ChristinaAlber · 25/02/2023 15:03

I was more suspicious OP that you kept explaining the situation further (and making it sound worse every time) but don’t seem to be taking any advice on board. Glad you’re buying confirms but a REALLY firm conversation is also needed about why he must use them

LolaSmiles · 25/02/2023 15:27

I have reminded DS about using condoms and did buy him a box and he has recently asked me to buy him some more, which I know I shouldn't do as he should be able to buy his own if he's old enough to have sex etc, but if I didn't there obviously is a big pregnancy risk so I have
Why is a 20-odd year old mother attracted to a 17 year old child who has to get his mother to buy his condoms?

Anyway OP, the fact he thinks that his contraception is your problem says a LOT about his attitude in my opinion (though I understand in the circumstances why you would because the last thing that's needed is another baby).

I'm all for parents helping their children be safe, but dropping out of college, doing sod all with his days, drifting around to see his girlfriend (who seems to drift between men quickly once a baby's on the scene), deciding he doesn't fancy certain college course, deciding he doesn't fancy certain jobs, deciding working weekends isn't for him, throwing a stroppy tantrum that you won't facilitate his sex life by babysitting his new girlfriend's children that you've not met/hardly met, deciding he gets to speak for your evenings because he has decided you don't have plans, and now getting you to buy his condoms, it all takes the piss. He's taking you for a mug.