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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have said no to babysitting DS’ girlfriends children?

441 replies

mdfriend · 24/02/2023 14:24

Looking for an unbiased opinion to see if I'm BU. DS is 17, he's been in a relationship with a woman for about 2 months. She's 23 and has 2 DCs, 4 and 2.

I'm not happy about the relationship due to her age, and I think it's moving too quickly with DS meeting her children already.

A couple of weeks ago, I came back home and the 2 year old was here with DS, apparently, his gf had asked him to look after her whilst she took the eldest to an appointment. I wasn't happy as I wasn't asked and again, their relationship is new.

DS has asked me to look after her children next weekend so they can go out on a date, apparently her family aren't involved neither are the children’s fathers and usually her friend looks after them but she's also busy.

I've said no, which DS has said I'm being unfair and selfish as I won't be doing anything anyway. I've also never met the eldest, and only met the youngest briefly.

WIBU by saying no?

OP posts:
RosaBonheur · 25/02/2023 20:42

So she has a kid old enough to be at school, and a boyfriend young enough to be at school.

Grim.

purplecheesecat · 25/02/2023 20:46

This relationship is inappropriate in multiple ways. Ultimately your DS can make his own decisions, but you should discourage him from continuing with this woman, and at the least tell him to be militant about using condoms. YANBU to refuse to babysit, you don’t know these kids!

LolaSmiles · 25/02/2023 20:54

Not your relationship - not your problem! This is so controlling and damaging.
Leave the son to make decisions for himself, he's an adult..
No he isn't an adult.

He's a 17 year old child, who has dropped out of college, lives at home, doesn't have a job, doesn't want to work weekends, has ongoing mental health issues, thinks he can dictate his mother's free time, and needs his mummy to buy his condoms for him.

He isn't an adult. He's a 17 year old boy with less maturity and less get up and go than most of his peers.

MessyJ · 25/02/2023 20:59

No way would I be looking after this women’s children. If none of the fathers want to be involved why should you?

JackiePlace · 25/02/2023 21:08

CupEmpty · 24/02/2023 14:26

Please make sure your son is using condoms. She will be pregnant again soon.

Just how is OP supposed to make sure he is using condoms?

JackiePlace · 25/02/2023 21:10

I knew a girl like this back in the day... she was a nice, attractive girl and had six kids by different fathers. She went out with a friend of mine and pretty soon was pregnant. She had mentioned once that got more benefits for each child and a bigger council house.

JackiePlace · 25/02/2023 21:15

It's inappropriate and extremely high risk of derailing his entire life with an unintended pregnancy.
I think (1) he is already off the rails and (2) he doesn't sound the type to let his life be derailed by some girl's pregnancy.
But OP shouldn't babysit if she doesn't want to!
And let him use NHS condoms!

Ameanstreakamilewide · 25/02/2023 21:22

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 24/02/2023 16:17

I've said no, which DS has said I'm being unfair and selfish as I won't be doing anything anyway.

Whatever you think about the suitability of his g/f, you need to school this nonsense out of him. Women are not put on earth to have their time devalued & their labour unappreciated. WhoTF does he think he is - nominating you to be unpaid childminder, so he can go & get his rocks off?

Apologies for the rude language, I am aghast at his entitlement.
If he wants to date a woman with 2 young children, he can take her on dates WITH those children - not palm them off on his mother.

Apart from all that, you are a total stranger to them.
WTF is their mother thinking of, allowing that to happen? That's not casting any aspersions on your character btw! - but who allows their small children to spend a weekend with someone they don't know? What a horribly frightening experience it would be for them - dropped off somewhere new, & mummy suddenly disappears ...

Absolutely.

I agree with every word of your post.

Hmm1234 · 25/02/2023 21:24

she sound like something off Jeremy Kyle

Middleagedspreadisreal · 25/02/2023 21:24

Poor kids 😕
What kind of mother would be ok with leaving her children with a stranger just she could go on a date?
Worrying.

MaidOfSteel · 25/02/2023 21:27

Your son has showed his immaturity, and that he's not at all ready for such a relationship, in calling you names for refusing his unreasonable demands.
YWNBU in the slightest.

FinallyHere · 25/02/2023 21:35

DS has said I'm being unfair and selfish as I won't be doing anything anyway

Wow.

Just...

wow.

KTMeetsTheRsUptown · 25/02/2023 21:56

YANBU. I think its weird that the gf is willing to leave her 2 & 4 yr old with a stranger. Poor kids... def red flag, I hope your DS is being careful and using condoms

Calphurnia88 · 25/02/2023 21:56

whybeabitch · 25/02/2023 20:11

Not your relationship - not your problem! This is so controlling and damaging. Leave the son to make decisions for himself, he's an adult...

Show quote history

At 17yo he isn't an adult 🤦🏻‍♀️

MarsandVenus · 25/02/2023 22:05

YANBU x

letthemalldoone · 25/02/2023 22:09

As the mother of a 19 yr old DS, I'm horrified tbh.

There is no way I'd be minding children I had never met for a mother I hadn't met either, and the fact that she seems to be ok with this speaks volumes!

While condoms have been bought, you don't know whether or not they are actually being used. She could be telling this gullible boy that she's on the pill or something, and he will fall for that, hook, line and sinker.

Neither of them is exactly a catch tbf! How 'special' does your DS think he is, not wanting to work weekends? My DS doesn't either but he does, combined with studying in uni. Maybe getting a job and a routine would be beneficial for his mental health?

I would be very cross at having to buy condoms for my child!! I think it's a huge possibility that you are going to be a granny soon.

The fact that he won't tell you how they met and that she refuses to meet you, is concerning too. This is not going to end well...

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 25/02/2023 22:12

FinallyHere · 25/02/2023 21:35

DS has said I'm being unfair and selfish as I won't be doing anything anyway

Wow.

Just...

wow.

The disrespect and contempt he has for his mother is the real problem here.

Isittimeformynapyet · 25/02/2023 22:42

TheCatch · 24/02/2023 15:23

A 23yr old woman, not to mention 'with kids' and a 17yr old schoolboy? madness. I agree, imagine flipping this around - 17yr old school girl with a 23yr single dad using the girl and her mum for babysitting.

The double standards on MN do make one chuckle.

What double standards?

Pretty much everyone thinks this relationship is inappropriate 🙄

maddiemookins16mum · 25/02/2023 23:09

This has got nightmare written all over it.

DaughterofZion · 25/02/2023 23:10

LolaSmiles · 25/02/2023 15:27

I have reminded DS about using condoms and did buy him a box and he has recently asked me to buy him some more, which I know I shouldn't do as he should be able to buy his own if he's old enough to have sex etc, but if I didn't there obviously is a big pregnancy risk so I have
Why is a 20-odd year old mother attracted to a 17 year old child who has to get his mother to buy his condoms?

Anyway OP, the fact he thinks that his contraception is your problem says a LOT about his attitude in my opinion (though I understand in the circumstances why you would because the last thing that's needed is another baby).

I'm all for parents helping their children be safe, but dropping out of college, doing sod all with his days, drifting around to see his girlfriend (who seems to drift between men quickly once a baby's on the scene), deciding he doesn't fancy certain college course, deciding he doesn't fancy certain jobs, deciding working weekends isn't for him, throwing a stroppy tantrum that you won't facilitate his sex life by babysitting his new girlfriend's children that you've not met/hardly met, deciding he gets to speak for your evenings because he has decided you don't have plans, and now getting you to buy his condoms, it all takes the piss. He's taking you for a mug.

THIS

NosieRosie · 25/02/2023 23:29

YANBU That’s all I have to say really. No way would I babysit children I don’t know because my 17 year old decided he wants a night out with his 23 year GF. The mind boggles 😳

CJsGoldfish · 25/02/2023 23:40

There is a reason adults target teenagers. He's going to be feeling pretty 'grown up' right now so won't be listening to you at all.
And a mother of 2 children wanting to date a child? I have NO doubt that she will be pregnant in no time at all.
Nothing good will come of this 'relationship' so no, I wouldn't be facilitating at all. They can work it out themselves. Or she can, as the 'adult' 🤷‍♀️

PrinnyPree · 25/02/2023 23:45

I have a lump in my throat thinking about those poor little babies being passed from pillar to post, meeting Mum's new teenage boyfriend with severe MH issues within a few short weeks and willingly being dumped with a person she's never met so she can go out on the razz.

Fuck me, sorry you've been put in this position OP, I don't know what the hell to suggest. There seems to be alot of vulnerable parties here and some real intervention needed, I'd be tempted to get advice from SS. Flowers

ChellyT · 25/02/2023 23:57

PetitPorpoise · 24/02/2023 14:31

YANBU

I have been your son in this situation and needless to say I am not with the single dad any more. Don't facilitate the relationship, though I appreciate that it's hard not to be seen as overly controlling.

Yes! YANBU if you do agree or offer to look after the children you will be enabling the relationship.

There are a lot of married stable long term couples with children that have no family or close friends living close by to child sit and simply do without going out. Date nights for these couples are usually quiet time together once the children are put to bed. Your son needs to realise this is a reality.

T1Dmama · 25/02/2023 23:57

What kind of a mother is happy to leave her kids with someone she barely knows ??
I’d be saying no too!! Not a chance… I’d also be worried about her getting pregnant again … she doesn’t seem to know about safe sex, having two kids already with different men