AIBU to think my DH sounds like an dick

[SandroSandra]

Opinions on this conversation pls. We live in a small old scruffy cottage and have 2 small kids

I commented to DH that restoration isn't so much of a joy when you have to work full time and you've got kids (inspired by a thread on here i was reading this morning) and that isn't it frustrating our cottage is still so scruffy and broken even though we've been here 3 years.

He said "ah well that's the thing about feminism innit. Women want to work but guess what there isn't enough time to make a nice home too"

I said "well it's more that most couples both need to work these days to pay the bills"

He said "sure of course but just odd all these women stressing that they want perfect homes, following restoration accounts and Mrs hinch on Instagram. But no woman has time to do any of it so just make you all feel guilty. It's almost like it was a good idea to have someone stay at home because guess what making a beautiful home is a full time job and adding restoration on top of it - it's impossible"

And I said "but men could stay home if they wanted"

He said "but we don't want to really. You were the ones that wanted to change the model and set up and then you're all stressing out you don't have time to do it all"

He then started saying

"Oh course there is a theory that the Rockefella family made feminism a success just to get 50% of the working people working their arse off and paying tax. And women fell for it"

Does he sound like a dick? It really wound me up but he insists whats he's saying is just logical.

AussieMozzieMagnet, have they? All the men in my family historically have been the ones to do DIY, paint the house or badly put up wallpaper!

Have you asked this prince among men why he isn’t earning more so you can give up work and stay at home and make the house beautiful? Surely if he was half a man he would be determined to be a full and proper provider for his family!

OP, he sounds like a vile, sexist knob. What actually does he bring to the marriage as it isn’t his earning potential or ability to do ‘real men’s work” is it?

What is it you don't understand?

@AussieMozzieMagnet no. Women choose the decoration. Men do the manual labour.

@Goldenbear I have ADHD so find housework impossible unless I’m medicated. This is one of the reasons why we were so surprised how after our LO what we believed where gender stereotypes were our natural responses when we became mum and dad.

@Wishihadanalgorithm 🤣🤣 OK then.
Coming on a bit strong there I think. The OPs husband never said he expected her to do all these things lol just that she was complaining about not being able to have the time where he went on to explain his point of view on the matter. Don't think he was sexist at all, just kind of factual really...

You want to leave over this comment?

He is an utter bellend OP! Couldn’t live with someone who jumps on the anti-“woke” bandwagon too. I bet he’s used the term snowflake as well 😂 How deeply unattractive of him..

Is he into conspiracy theories? Because that Rockefeller thing is absolutely something conspiracy theorists come out with. Combined with the sexism, I’d be very interested to know what he’s been reading and watching online. My guess is that he’s started down the path of online hate/conspiracy groups.

Yes, this is the alarm bell that should be talked about. It's one thing to inelegantly suggest a system of two parents having to work is problematic, but once you go down the conspiracy theory rabbit hole it gets very dark indeed.

Why marry such a prick?

Sexist, and a conspiracy theorist wanker. He could step up and do some of the things to make your home nice instead of expending his energy being a twat.

FWIW my exDP has justified not financially supporting his child by telling me that women wanted independence, so I should suck up the consequences of our freedoms. He's a twat too.

It sounds to me like your husband has been reading some dark, alt-right content on the internet.

How do you explain me and the many millions of other single parents put there who have a full time job, kids and a happy and tidy home?

I will put it out there that when you only have yourself to rely on, you can be resourceful and motivated.

Feminism isn't to blame for the pressures of capitalism.

What is he doing to change the system so people (of both sexes) don't have to spend so many hours as wage slaves just to feed and house a family?

Women never asked to be excluded from public life and made to stay at home raising babies and/or working in jobs for less pay.

Men decided that for women, and of course women fought for the same autonomy men have had.

Anyway he's stating a myth as "logic" because working class women have always had to work, and for less pay from their sexist male bosses.

He's a sexist prick who thinks his sexism is logical. So a stupid, sexist prick.

Men can be so disappointing. I'm sorry op.

All of it. Care to explain your logic?

@SandroSandra He expressed a POV that's very common in alt right and MRA circles. If you're going to be concerned about anything I'd start there, because the way this goes is that after you've finished your job of being a SAHM and the kids go to Uni, they become resentful paying for you to sit at home all day, want you to suddenly magic up a career out of nowhere and match their earnings.

The only bullshit I'd call out is the myth that running a household really is a 1.0 role.

I think there is more to running a household that a couple of hours cleaning. Looking after children, making sure everyone is fed and properly nourished, dealing with school crises, attending to the children's emotional and stimulation needs, shopping, laundry, play - yes this is important to children - the list goes on. Not something that can be farmed out to a stranger for a couple of hours a week.

I’d probably leave him. First I’d give him a chance by asking if he saw any problems with a system where women have no financial independence or career and why he thought women had fought so hard for a right to participate in public life.

So, women wanted to have it all, and the patriarchy punished them by making them do it all?

He makes a good point and there was an interesting thread about it a while.

I don’t understand the Rockerfella comment though and it’s annoying he’s speaking like all women think the same.

I think females have got the shitty end of the stick really.

We originally wasn’t allowed to work and our ‘job’ was to look after the home, cook, clean, shop etc and the childcare.

Then we were allowed to work which I’m very pleased about but we are still expected to be the default parent and housewife.

Of course it is down to individual relationships but I think it is very rare to have a genuinely equal couple.

As a single mother I am judged more harshly by society than the man who abandoned his child.
Yet a single father is treated like a war hero or something.

There are threads on here all of the time about both partners working but the man can stay late after work and not need to worry about picking the kids up or making their dinner as the mum is more responsible.

As women we absolutely do not have equal rights yet and I do think we have a lot of pressure to maintain our homes and appearances whilst still working FT.

So what feminism wanted to happen was equality of opportunity, and no discrimination due to sex. If this had been achieved, the middle class nuclear family unit would have remained largely the same, with one parent at work and one at home, the home one looking after children and catering etc enabling the one working to work. Or both parents would work half a week each. Houses would have remained affordable for families with one wage earner. Childcare would have mostly been done by a parent. But men were not going to allow that, demonstrated by OPs DH stating that men don't want to be at home (implying that women do). Men would never move aside for women to have the opportunity to be equal, so women are now expected, in fact required by the current economic model, to work full time AND be the home maker. OPs DH correctly describes this as a result of feminism. But not the result we were after.

But in that 1950s model the man came home from work, put his overalls on and did the DIY so if the house is still a wreck isn't it because he's not been doing his "masculine" share of the domestic work?????

I can't see the problem with what he said? Women want a beautiful home and want to be working full time - very difficult to juggle .
Why should he have to stay home? He isn't the one moaning about having a beautiful home!!