to expect him to have been fed?

[Workyticket]

DS is 11, he sorts his mates coming round etc these days and I only really get in touch with their Mums if the kids want to go somewhere new (they play out a little but only at agreed places)

He was at his mate's house today from 10 am until about 3pm and came home ravenous

We had the same mate at ours for a sleepover last weekend (11 am to about tea time the next day so he had breakfast, dinners and teas here)

He often comes after school and I make him tea before he goes home. He's had takeaways here etc. I'm definitely a feeder and make meals I know ds' pals like.

DS was cagey about whether his mate had lunch while he was there but he wasn't offered anything. His dad was home.

Absolutely no money issues - similar jobs to us, we've been at extravagant parties they've thrown etc

DS had his bank card and I've reminded him he could have nipped to the shop by his mate's house or to the chippy but tbh I did think they'd maybe offer him some lunch!

If your ds is old enough to show up at and stay at someone else's house over lunch without an invite to lunch they should also old enough to deal with it if they don't get fed. Either by getting something out, coming home , or going without if they are not bothered.

You like to feed others (I did too), doesn't mean everyone does, and I never expected anyone to do the same. Maybe they were due a supermarket delivery and didn't have anything else in to feed an unexpected lunch guest, or lots of other potential reasons.

Your son being cagey about telling you something so basic you should maybe reflect on, especially as he gets older and becomes a teen, you will want him feeling he can talk to you and say anything without feeling he has to hold back as someone might get judged/into trouble. It really is a parenting teens skill to learn to bite your tongue when you hear some corkers, that are minor in the grand scheme of thing, but worth it if they keep talking to you.

Well they’d have fed him otherwise so presumably they said they needed to get on and lunchtime slipped past 2 but ds dawdled home? To be fair we are human slugs here so often eat breakfast and lunch late and then have a weird crammed in evening meal late too

@redskydelight

*We had years of children randomly in and out the house and no one ever questioned this. My own children were also used to being "sent home" if they were at someone else's at meal time.

It's different if you've actually invited them round.*

Yes, this is how I remember it. The sending home was normal and not rude, - “We’re having our tea now, you can come back later.” - and off we trotted back to ours. Unless invited or staying over.

I wonder if it’s changed because a lot of children don’t play out locally but are dropped off at friends’ houses by parents. Also a lot of parents seem more involved in suggesting activities and things when friends come round whereas my parents, and then I in my turn just said hello, made some friendly small talk and offer drinks and let them get on with it. When they were little I was involved more, but not after they reached about 8 years old unless they were invited round to do something specific like join us camping.

I was in a village but my DH was on a large urban council estate and his experience was the same as mine, unless invited round for “tea” - not common in his family as there were a lot of them and little money, children were in and out, preferably out, and went home at mealtimes. I imagine there wasn’t always the food to be feeding extra mouths and also people worried about being “beholden” if their children were fed at other people’s houses. My DH and his brothers were drilled to say “No thank you very much” if offered anything at other people’s houses. Their mum would have been cross if they’d accepted anything as a) she’d be beholden to them b) folk would think she couldn’t feed her own bairns. That will have been born of poverty and pride and it wasn’t like that for me, there was plenty of food and people had the luxury of being generous, but it was still normal to go back to your own house when your friend’s family was eating unless you had been invited to lunch or dinner that day.

I have a few girls who come round 3/4 times a week informally. I often feed them but if my daughter isn’t hungry or if I don’t have anything they like, they literally don’t eat. So they can be too polite to say yes?
I have to tell my daughter to choose something, give them the options and leave the room.
then they will have something. I know them all quite well but they still struggle to accept food unless I almost force them and my daughter eats.
maybe his friend just helps himself to food and your son felt uncomfortable to do the same?
I just wonder if your son is similar? Or stereotyping I don’t know if a dad would notice a child was too polite to ask/help themself to food.

even tho the girls come over uninvited I still message the mum to say “ they wouldn’t eat - I’m sorry”

😂😂

We left if the family we were visiting were eating. My mother would have skinned me alive if I’d had a meal uninvited

He's 11, he'd understand! He's also a rule follower and would never stay if asked to leave!

I'd still be surprised for it to be acceptable for them to say "we're having our lunch, off you go" given that their kid is often at mine for anything from 3 to 48 hour periods and gets fed though

I really doubt they sat to lunch and didn’t offer him anything. It’s surely more likely the dad was working and left the kids to grab something themselves? They’re 11 not 5, mine sort themselves out and I’d expect them to do the same if they had a friend round at that time.

She’s ‘highly strung’ because she expects an adult to remember to feed his children? Not letting them starve all day is an unreasonable expectation in your mind?

😂😂😂

Its very highly strung to think an 11 year old will starve if an adult doesn’t feed them yes.

I'd still be surprised for it to be acceptable for them to say "we're having our lunch, off you go" given that their kid is often at mine for anything from 3 to 48 hour periods and gets fed though

That's your choice though-doesn't mean that they have to do the same.

Yes, you’d think. As I said upthread, the family of dd’s former friend thought it was ok to get a takeaway and eat it in front of dd despite the girl practically living here for a while and me feeding her more often than her mum during that time.

Ha I had the opposite problem!, when DS used to bring friends home which coincided with lunch or dinner I’d always offer his mates food, which they seemed grateful for and ate.
I had snotty text back from one parent saying thanks for feeding her son but this is not expected as there was plenty of food at her house! Quite surprised how defensive she was over a cheese sandwich

I don’t know I started off as a feed all of the children type person but somehow it all went wrong.
I would try and feed fairly nutritious type food to all of the children at my house at meal time. Unfortunately some would only pick at it so lots of food got wasted. Then sometimes my children would eat at other peoples houses, but it was junk type food which put pressure on me to provide similar and meant I couldn’t give my children treats when they had eaten elsewhere. Some parents didn’t provide any food so my children came home ravenous.
In the end it was easier to have a blanket you eat at home rule unless previously agreed with the parents.

That from a conversation about a man not feeding his children, aged 6-10, for the entirety of a day. When their mother arrived home, yes they were starving. Said exchange is still
up there in black and white.

So, you’ve pulled a quote from a post, attributed incorrect context to it and then laugh reacted to it. That’s very strange.

That from a conversation about a man not feeding his children, aged 6-10, for the entirety of a day.

This is literally rubbish. You have no idea what his own children are during the day. They may have had a late breakfast or he may have made the little one a sandwich.

Utter hysteria over nothing at all.

I had snotty text back from one parent saying thanks for feeding her son but this is not expected as there was plenty of food at her house! Quite surprised how defensive she was over a cheese sandwich well if you’ve cooked it would be irritating if someone had stuffed your child first. Don’t get me wrong it’s very kind of you but not necessarily welcome.

@Itisbetter agree completely.

Clearly, can’t win though!

Typical race to the bottom for some posters🙄😁.

He had one rare day of being in change and he still didn't step up.

When she arrived home after a great day with me, she was faced with 3 hungry children and no dinner on.

She was an extremely calm teacher (now retired)who is married to a self important academic and completely self involved PITA.

My friend is the best woman.

She was like an absolute anti christ and I certainly did nothing to calm her down when she rang me later, apoplectic with rage.

He raced out and got a takeaway as quick as he could, but for her it was a line in the sand moment.

She had tolerated him and his self importance for years and something snapped that day.

No harm at all.

Sometimes in marriages it is a relatively small thing that just completely puts you over the edge.

She couldn't look at him and he knew it.

He knew well that he had massively fxxked up.

She's a very independent capable woman and could accept that he was a bit selfish, but for him to short change their children in such a selfish way meant he served fxxk all purpose in any of their lives.

She told him that. She really spelt it out to him.
She held NOTHING back.
He got it with both barrels...about a decades worth😁

She told him he was superfluous to requirements in the home and he could go, and none of them would miss him.
He couldn't look after his own children and feed them for 6 hours.

They are still married.

Clearly he needed telling and he worked hard to cop himself on and to make up for the upset he caused her.

He's not a bad man but he was/is a bit of a self important twat.....we could never go out as couples as my husband thought he was a tedious self important twittering twat who thought every conversation was an audience with him🙄.

Funnily enough his fabulous children treat him with a mixture of fond derision, intolerance and scorn for his pomposity.
He adores them but they adore their mother....the teen years were very hard for him, teens can be brutal.😁

I think the husband made himself lunch and his son and thought that was a hint for yours to go home. If I'm right that's so rude though especially given how long you host their son and happily feed him. I put it down to a clueless bloke (unlike your husband) and agree YANBU.

‘You have no idea what his own children are during the day.’ What are you talking about? Yes, I do. It was in the comment that comment responded to. Said conversation was not about the OP, but about a comment from @billy1966.

Do you not understand how responding to comments works? You can click ‘show quote history’ to see the conversation, if you’re somehow confused.

Don't overthink it.do it your way will be fine.remember people post and comment often when there is a problem.not the trillion of times it works out great and fine.whicb some reply have.

Next time he goes, phone dad and ask if you should send a packed lunch for your boy, as he was hungry last time he was there.

Your friend is ace. Absolutely the right reaction from her.

She is.

In the 20 years before this I had NEVER seen her upset, nor have I in the years since.

She's a very calm woman.

Like I said, line in the sand moment!

Maybe in their house 11 year olds sort their own food at lunch on days off and so the dad might have been expecting them to go into the kitchen and make sandwiches or something if they got hungry. and if your son was hungry he should assertively but politely say that - useful skill to have.

I'm not sure I would assume they purposely starved your child.