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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect him to have been fed?

272 replies

Workyticket · 23/02/2023 21:37

DS is 11, he sorts his mates coming round etc these days and I only really get in touch with their Mums if the kids want to go somewhere new (they play out a little but only at agreed places)

He was at his mate's house today from 10 am until about 3pm and came home ravenous

We had the same mate at ours for a sleepover last weekend (11 am to about tea time the next day so he had breakfast, dinners and teas here)

He often comes after school and I make him tea before he goes home. He's had takeaways here etc. I'm definitely a feeder and make meals I know ds' pals like.

DS was cagey about whether his mate had lunch while he was there but he wasn't offered anything. His dad was home.

Absolutely no money issues - similar jobs to us, we've been at extravagant parties they've thrown etc

DS had his bank card and I've reminded him he could have nipped to the shop by his mate's house or to the chippy but tbh I did think they'd maybe offer him some lunch!

OP posts:
Mothership4two · 25/02/2023 18:33

Yes there could be all sorts of reasons why he didn't eat but like the OP I would have been surprised that he hadn't. Both DH and I have provided meals and snacks over the years for DS's friends.

When DS2 was 11 I arranged with their friend's mum, who lives nearby, for us both to have an 'open house' so they could go back and forth as they wanted on an inset day. I had enough food in for lunch and snacks. Having spent the morning here, they went to the friends house just before lunch and DS came home around 4. I was gobsmacked that not only had they not give him lunch but that she had sat down and ate lunch with her two in front of DS and just offered him a jaffa cake. Obviously DS could have come home to eat and chose not to. She must have had her reasons but we were surprised as that's just not something we would do. And they are a comfortably off family.

Mothership4two · 25/02/2023 18:38

Our stories are quite similar or have similarly tight families @Oldbutwiser

Brooke1992 · 25/02/2023 18:39

They should have given him food absolutely I can't imagine not .I always feed my daughters friends constantly ask them if hungry your neighbours are weird !

Catmuffin · 25/02/2023 18:47

Workyticket · 23/02/2023 23:04

I asked if he'd eaten, he said no so we made an omelet

I thought it was a bit odd so asked if Freddie had eaten- he said he wasn't sure and looked a bit cagey

That could mean he didn't know, it coukd also mean "Freddie went down for lunch, I wasn't offered any and don't want to tell you that"

I'm only stewing over it a bit now!

He might have looked cagey because he was offered food when the boy had lunch and said no out of shyness. Its hard to comment without your son saying what happened

TowerRaven7 · 25/02/2023 18:52

It depends. If it were a play date already set up yea I would expect him to be fed. If he was just over there playing, like nothing was set up and they ended up there, I would text my ds and tell him to come home for lunch or that I was picking him up for lunch. But I’d feed anyone at my own house though regardless…but I wouldn’t expect others to do the same.

GrandadA · 25/02/2023 18:54

Workyticket · 23/02/2023 21:37

DS is 11, he sorts his mates coming round etc these days and I only really get in touch with their Mums if the kids want to go somewhere new (they play out a little but only at agreed places)

He was at his mate's house today from 10 am until about 3pm and came home ravenous

We had the same mate at ours for a sleepover last weekend (11 am to about tea time the next day so he had breakfast, dinners and teas here)

He often comes after school and I make him tea before he goes home. He's had takeaways here etc. I'm definitely a feeder and make meals I know ds' pals like.

DS was cagey about whether his mate had lunch while he was there but he wasn't offered anything. His dad was home.

Absolutely no money issues - similar jobs to us, we've been at extravagant parties they've thrown etc

DS had his bank card and I've reminded him he could have nipped to the shop by his mate's house or to the chippy but tbh I did think they'd maybe offer him some lunch!

On the face of it, you are not being unreasonable, but there may well be factors/circumstances you are not aware of. So, don't rush to judgement. One possible example: when I was around his age (around the middle ages) I sometimes refused lunch or dinner at a friend's house because I didn't want to eat there (various reasons not necessarily rational) but would never have told my mum that they had offered. There are other possible scenarios.
Yes your concern is reasonable, but don't jump in with both feet.

vaccinistatotebagchicbarista · 25/02/2023 19:08

Do you reckon it would’ve been different if mum was there instead of/as well as dad? Might be a case of dad just not thinking about it

Hooklander · 25/02/2023 19:09

No-one knows what really happened until the OP's son says what really happened.

ivykaty44 · 25/02/2023 19:12

He'd not been invited by the parents

then id not feed the dc as they may have their own dinner/lunch at home being sorted?

Id feed dc that have been invited but not when they come round to hang out. Biscuits and treat yes but not a meal

ChampagneLassie · 25/02/2023 19:15

Speak to the parents. I'm sure there is a big misunderstanding. Perhaps he was offered something he didn't like or Dad said he only had lunch for his DS and your DS said its fine he's not hungry out of politeness or something and the dad was a bit of div. I'm imagining mum left food prepared for the kids and dad isnt much good with cooking. I could imagine my partner saying that and not thinking 10 Yr oldsnedd to eat regularly!

Clearthinking · 25/02/2023 19:20

My husband wouldnt think to feed any guests hes terrible like that. He would feel daft asking and assume they have eaten and will eat when they get home hes just that bloody daft (not sure why i married him :-) but i do have in laws that would be horrified as having another child in the house and would give them a slice of dry toast they are that tight

Sennelier1 · 25/02/2023 19:21

Some people just want to keep mealtimes "in the family". My parents IL were like that. Once they visited unexpectedly and they acted as if I ran the Salvation Army because my best friend's two children were having lunch here with my own children (same ages and friends). "Why do you need to feed them? They're not yours!" Really, some people.......

fetchacloth · 25/02/2023 19:23

5foot5 · 23/02/2023 22:02

This !

Had he actually been invited to spend the whole day there or had he just turned up and hung around.

When I was a child my Mum made it clear that if I was playing at a friend's house and the friend was called in for their meal then it was time for me to come hone. Meals at other people's houses were by prior invitation, we would never just wait and expect to be fed. Similarly, this never happened with DC or her friends either.

Show quote history

I wondered this too. Mealtimes are normally for family only unless invited.

youshouldnthaveasked · 25/02/2023 19:31

Did you ask your son if he was going to need lunch at any time? I’d never expect anyone else to feed my children, unless specifically invited.

Nor would I give meals to any of my kids friends who just turn up unexpectedly at my house. Especially right before lunch or dinner timer.

Hankunamatata · 25/02/2023 19:57

It's a bit crappy. Have some snacks on he can grab to take or pot noodle

TallTrees78 · 25/02/2023 20:05

Maybe this depends where you live? I live in a deprived area but it's small and everyone knows each other. You feed your kids friends and their parents feed yours. It might just be a cheese or crisp sandwich at lunch but something would be offered.

Pupinski · 25/02/2023 20:16

YANBU, but not because you feed this child when he's at your house - it shouldn't be a quid pro quo arrangement - but because your son was there over lunch hours.

But I do think you might be overthinking it. If Dad was in charge and that's not their normal state of affairs, I'd be willing to bet that your son wasn't excluded and that Dad didn't think to give either child lunch, particularly if they were out doing their own thing...

saffy2 · 25/02/2023 20:22

I’m really surprised by all this ‘meal times are for family’ ‘was he invited’ ‘he should have just come home’ ‘maybe they were hinting he should leave’
i literally had no idea people behaved like this and I’m really glad my mum wasn’t like this and really glad I’m not like this. My sons friends are welcome here anytime and will be fed at meal times and snacks. I am a little perplexed by these reactions.
but I have too experienced similar, with an explanation (which they offered because I always feed their kid…) was that they eat later than us. Which I get, except their kid is always starving when I feed him here at an earlier time. He is also not shy of asking for food like the ops sons friend, and my son while confident would also see it as rude to ask for food, even though he is actually super confident. He just is polite. Too polite perhaps.
one time I decided that I wouldn’t feed this friend because I wasn’t sure I had enough and the visit was impromptu, so I decided not to feed my son either obviously…because that would be rude of me…and then 15 minutes after I’d served my 4year old. My son appeared with his friend and said x is hungry what’s for dinner…I served small portions and then said friend asked for seconds. But apparently at home they don’t eat until about 2/3 hours later than that time…😂🤷🏽‍♀️

Toomuchtrouble4me · 25/02/2023 20:49

Unless you know whether the friend ate, and essentially if he did, then did he get food himself or did the dad provide it, and was your boy was offered anything - until this is answered there is nothing to discuss here as these things are key.

marchella · 25/02/2023 21:08

Puds03 · 25/02/2023 18:21

I really don’t understand people who don’t offer a child anything to eat when they are round their house for several hours. Sounds like his friend had lunch but he didn’t 😞
I have the same issue with my daughter, I have to constantly take food to her and her friend when she stays over as the Mum will only make herself dinner. Yet she asks her to stay around so it doesn’t add up.

Wait. What? You take food to their house?

Hmm1234 · 25/02/2023 21:26

Sounds odd. If he was hungry and had a card with money on it why wouldn’t he go and get food with his friend

Forgooodnesssakenow · 25/02/2023 21:38

incywincyspidery · 25/02/2023 18:03

This sounds like an informal, extended drop in rather than the sort of pre arranged play date younger kids might have. In which case, the dad may have assumed your DS would have gone home if he wanted anything to eat. TBH my DH probably wouldn't have thought of offering food. In fact a friend of mine was out all day and came home to find that her DH hadn't even remembered to feed his own kids! Every time she went out after that, she made them packed lunches.

Why would anyone enable that level of uselessness?

5foot5 · 25/02/2023 22:04

but I have too experienced similar, with an explanation (which they offered because I always feed their kid…) was that they eat later than us. Which I get, except their kid is always starving when I feed him here at an earlier time.

@saffy2 So it is quite possible that when this child goes home and is served the family dinner that has been cooked for him he says "Oh I can't eat anymore, I am full because I ate at saffy2. " In which case there might be a Mum thinking "FFS why does she keep giving him good and spoiling his appetite when I have told her we eat later. Another wasted dinner! "

Puds03 · 25/02/2023 22:15

Yes because I can’t give my daughter food without her friend it seems cruel plus she is normally hungry too if her mum has eaten already. Also if anyone else stays there I have to get them food too, it’s definitely a strange one.

incywincyspidery · 25/02/2023 22:23

Forgooodnesssakenow · 25/02/2023 21:38

Why would anyone enable that level of uselessness?

Show quote history

That's more or less what I told her. She was more concerned about her kids being hungry. Her DH was a prick though.