to expect him to have been fed?

[Workyticket]

DS is 11, he sorts his mates coming round etc these days and I only really get in touch with their Mums if the kids want to go somewhere new (they play out a little but only at agreed places)

He was at his mate's house today from 10 am until about 3pm and came home ravenous

We had the same mate at ours for a sleepover last weekend (11 am to about tea time the next day so he had breakfast, dinners and teas here)

He often comes after school and I make him tea before he goes home. He's had takeaways here etc. I'm definitely a feeder and make meals I know ds' pals like.

DS was cagey about whether his mate had lunch while he was there but he wasn't offered anything. His dad was home.

Absolutely no money issues - similar jobs to us, we've been at extravagant parties they've thrown etc

DS had his bank card and I've reminded him he could have nipped to the shop by his mate's house or to the chippy but tbh I did think they'd maybe offer him some lunch!

But this is Mumsnet, so that poster probably had half a lettuce leaf on Tuesday so is still full at the weekend

I did something like this when DS new friend came over. I was really busy on a meeting and told DS to pop to the chip shop to get him and his friend something but didn't really pay much attention when they got back. When his friend had left I asked DS about what they'd eaten and they'd not made it to the chip shop so instead they'd just eaten loads of crap from the corner shop😱and not eaten anything proper.

Reader, I felt like a proper bad mum.

1st world problems.
If your kids are hungry, feed them.
If other kids are hungry and you are their host, feed them.
If someone can't, or doesn't, its still your responsibility to feed your kids.
F! If a kid knocked on my door and asked for food I'd feed them.
But I'm not going to get upset or judge someone else because they didnt have the time, or inclination to feed my child. If they do, great. Thanks.
But that's still my responsibility.

You sound like my DM, OP. One of my friends said recently that my DM made her dinner more often than her own DM did. Our house was always busy with friends and my DM always fed everyone. I now do the same with DS' friends. Their parents are the same.

So many posters married to men who apparently don't need to eat... It's quite bizarre 🙄

Op you have not said why you haven't solved the great mystery by just telling your child to stop being "cagey" and answer your straightforward question "what exactly happened food wise? Did Freddie have lunch? Did his dad and his sister? What did they eat? We're you offered any food or asked if you were hungry?",

Honest to god this thread has been frustrating.

Could it just be an oversight because of what their routine was that day?

I have a day in the week where I make breakfast or everyone helps themselves to breakfast and I dont cook until late evening (about 7pm)

There is always food available in between those times and the children can choose what to eat or cook. It could be freezer or microwave foods or even toast etc (I'm not neglecting them, they prefer it like that and they learn a bit of independance)

Maybe the friend was supposed to offer if the dad was busy but didnt think to do so if they were distracted with having fun?

I think some parents care more about food than others, I always feed kids at my house at breakfast/lunch/dinner but often my kids will be at other peoples house for a sleepover and they don’t give them dinner!!! I find it crazy!!!

@Mammyloveswine because I didn't really think about it till he was in bed and today is a new day.

He's excited about somewhere he's going with dh this weekend and I don't want to put him in the position that he's got to tell me his pal's family ate without him or that he was a numpty and turned down food out of shyness

Sorry if it's frustrating. I've quite liked reading different perspectives on 11 year olds (and the comment about the 18 month old knocking up a 3 course meal tickled me loads!)

I'm on the settee shouting reminders to dh who is ironing stuff for their trip away and reading / replying between crochet rounds!

I’m surprised that so many people would automatically feed older children who are just hanging out.

It’s been a while but I think when mine were that age, children might be invited round for lunch, or dinner, or for the day, and then I’d expect to feed them, however when they are in and out of each other’s houses and just hanging out, I’d assume they’d go home for meals. I mean at that age I wouldn’t have a problem with my daughter and friend helping themselves to snacks toast or cereal if they asked first,- my children checked before eating snacks anyway, but I usually meal plan and wouldn’t necessary have enough in to stretch to another person. Friends staying over were always fed all meals and I’d ask in advance if there was anything they didn’t eat or didn’t like.

Was your son dropped off and picked up or could he have come home on his own? When I was a child, unless invited to stay for a meal, the assumption was you went back home for your own meals or if your friend’s family were about to eat, and you came back later. Obviously if it was an organised visit involving transport then the assumption was you’d be eating with your friend’s family. I fed a lot of DD’s friends but it was clear it would be involved, eg. A friend coming home with her on the school bus and her dad picking her up at 8.00pm, that would be Naha coming to ours after school and staying for dinner.
Lunch wasn’t a big deal in our house either. I don’t think we necessarily had a fixed lunch by the time DD was 11 except on Sundays. Late breakfast and dinner and something light in between if requested or fancied.

Ahahahhaha.

“When my DS turns up to your house uninvited and you’re WFH, can you please ensure you provide him with food and ensure he eats it?”

That doesn’t sound excruciatingly entitled to you?

Obviously all these people feeding whoever happens to be around sounds lovely, but such Larkinesque abundance wasn’t the norm in my very happy childhood and I don't recall doing it myself as a parent. Not that I’d have sat down to lunch with my daughter with a little spectre at the feast hovering 😂

I think the friend is old enough to make them both a sandwich

No -- someone else on the thread mentioned the word first. It felt over the top.

my own husband acts like a starved Labrador who can’t wait for his next meal but I have known lots of men over the years who just aren’t that bothered about food. Lots of men I’ve worked with have been engrossed in work to the point of not stopping for lunch until late in the afternoon then only grabbing a sandwich. In comparison, lots of women I know (esp at work) regularly talk about food / what they’ll eat / see lunch as a bigger thing

given women tend to have more caring roles and bigger issues / consideration with food / diets / body image than men do (wherever that’s come from) it’s not a huge surprise that some men don’t think that much about feeding visiting children

Your DC has told you the Dad was in the home. Yet he can't/won't tell you if his friend had lunch. Really??? That's the bus-sized hole in his story.

Either;

there was no parent in the home, so nobody offered the kids lunch and they didn't make their own. Your DC realised you'd be unhappy that no parent was present so he lied that the dad was there.

Or, DC lied that he spent 5 hours at friends house to cover up that he was AWOL elsewhere not on your approved list (with or without friend).

I don't want to set a precedent for "hanging out" children, so they don't get fed. They can have biscuits/snacks and drinks.

I also expect my DC (of this age) to get their own lunch on holiday days.
I'd expect the visiting DC to go home and get their own lunch while my DC had theirs. If they didn't go, I'd assume they didn't want any.
We had years of children randomly in and out the house and no one ever questioned this. My own children were also used to being "sent home" if they were at someone else's at meal time.

It's different if you've actually invited them round.

Ages since my lot were 11 but am pretty sure they just helped themselves to sandwiches,fruit and the rubbish crap food cupboard!

This thread is a helpful eye-opener. My kids are still little but I'd already considered the whole play dates and feeding thing. I didn't realise anyone would consider it rude for either of the DC to ask for food whilst at someone's house, mainly because I'd have no issue if their friends asked for food whilst here. So I'll probably have the remember that for when DCs are older. And I'd consciously planned that when they're old enough to start having unplanned friend visits I would make sure there was always plenty of food/drinks they can help themselves to but that I'd also be clear that they ask for what they need whilst they're here. I really want our home to feel welcoming and friendly.

I saw a funny TikTok on it the other day which was stereotyping someone visiting a friend who lives in a traditional Indian household (and all the mountains of lovely homemade food they're then offered) vs a friend who lives in a typical British household (where the parent goes to "See what they've got" and returns with a packet of crisps and an orange 😅)

🤣🤣🤣

Did the dad know your son was going to be there?

Its very odd given the sceanrio you have given that your ds didn't eat anything. Unless both boys didn't eat, or were given instruction to make themsleves something and didnt bother.

However, a little different, but I once had 2 of ds'd friends over after school, obviously expectation was to feed them. Arranged through ds, about same age as yours 11/12ish and I told him to tell his mates I'd drop them home about 8pm.

They all went out before tea was ready, prob just after 6, I told them be back by 7 as i'd do their tea then as they wanted to go out. They decided to walk to his aunt and uncles house as they had some games they were getting rid of and told ds he could collect them. So they all decided they would do that. It was about a 20 minute walk away.

Come just after 7pm and ds arrives along with his uncle - who had given him a lift home as he'd said he needed to be home by 7. But he'd dropped the 2 other boys off on the way back!! I was mortified. apparntly none of them piped up at not having eaten yet and that they all should come back here.
So yes, they went home without eating dinner. god knows what their parents thought and I couldn't even call them to explain as I didn't know their name let alone their numbers. All I can hope if that the boys explained to their parents why they had gone home without having tea.

I think they asked ds to leave but he didn’t understand.

??

Yeah it could easily have been a "come on kids it's lunchtime now" hint hint go home