to expect him to have been fed?

[Workyticket]

DS is 11, he sorts his mates coming round etc these days and I only really get in touch with their Mums if the kids want to go somewhere new (they play out a little but only at agreed places)

He was at his mate's house today from 10 am until about 3pm and came home ravenous

We had the same mate at ours for a sleepover last weekend (11 am to about tea time the next day so he had breakfast, dinners and teas here)

He often comes after school and I make him tea before he goes home. He's had takeaways here etc. I'm definitely a feeder and make meals I know ds' pals like.

DS was cagey about whether his mate had lunch while he was there but he wasn't offered anything. His dad was home.

Absolutely no money issues - similar jobs to us, we've been at extravagant parties they've thrown etc

DS had his bank card and I've reminded him he could have nipped to the shop by his mate's house or to the chippy but tbh I did think they'd maybe offer him some lunch!

No - I'm a sociable feeder and genuinely don't mind feeding his mates

I'd not give them my lamb chops just because they were peckish but I'll offer anything else I have

I make a big pot of something on a Sunday to re-heat on a Monday as that's my early finish day and the day ds tends to play out for an hour after school then bring home whoever is still around for tea. His mates can and do have seconds and there's no judgement otherwise than "hollow legs son?" When they're on bowl of chilli 2!

Read the posts!!

The OP was on the phone to him at one point and could hear the father in the background!

I hope I'm not coming across as raging about this - I'm not. Just a bit surprised but happy to read about the different dynamics of other households

I like the kid whose house ds was at. He'll always be welcome here and I'll make sure ds hoys a cereal bar in his bag if he goes there again 😀

No kid will starve because they didn't eat between 10 and 3.

At 11, I would have offered lunch for my kids and their friends - if only because I'd be making lunch for myself. But if I was busy with WFH, I might have assumed that my 11 year old had sorted it themselves.

In the circumstances of the OP, I would have given my son lunch when he got home and thought no more about it.

My dad used to do this because he was tight as fuck and wouldn’t feed anyone else.

I didn’t have friends for long.

Are you putting the word 'starve' in bold to try to sensationalise my reaction?

If you continue to make food for your child’s friends and the generosity doesn’t get repaid to your son I think you’ll eventually get fed up and it will annoy you more and more each time. I would think very carefully about being as generous as you are, the odd snack or meal is ok but don’t be afraid to say “it’s time for you to go home now we are having our family meal” their parents may get the picture then too! For the record I think you sound lovely and your atttitude towards these young humans is brilliant.

But there was a Dad and a little sister in the house, not just the two boys. Presumably the Dad managed to feed her? Why would he deliberately leave a pair of 11 year olds out, just because they can technically fend for themselves?
It's an odd way for families to behave.

If your son was being cagey when questioned, it could be that they ate without him.

Or it could be that they offered him something he didn’t like.
We think our DC are pretty good eaters because they only have a few things they don’t like out of our own varied diet at home. But they’ve occasionally mentioned meals they haven’t enjoyed at friends’ houses. Even things they normally like at home, but didn’t like there because it was cooked differently.

I don’t offer alternatives if DCs friends refuse to eat when they join us for a family meal, and I don’t tailor our meals to their friends’ preferences.
Some of their friends will eat anything put in front of them, others will politely attempt to eat a bit before giving up, and others say they don’t like it before even trying it!

If my DC come home hungry after being at a friend’s house I wouldn’t worry too much unless it happened with the same friend repeatedly.

Usually, it will be less to do with any main meal offered, and more to do with them filling up on snacks early on in the visit, feeling ‘too full’ to eat much at a normal mealtime, then coming down from the junk rush a bit later and suddenly feeling starving! 😆

I think this depends completely on whether the friend ate lunch. If he did, and they just left your ds out, that's beyond shocking.

I'm also horrified at the number of 'oh my dh would forget that too, bless him' type posts. Why, why is some women's bar so so low for men. No, he didn't forget, bless him - he's a lazy selfish thoughtless arse.

Thanks @RainbowsTulipsChocolate 🥰

Although I got a bit radgey in my reply after you posted.

I won't get fed up of feeding them (I don't think - I'll come back when they're teenagers pinching my Crunchies!) unless our financial situation changes and we can't afford to

If that happens I'll just feed them toast 🥰

my 18 month old can whip up a 3 course banquet for 12 catering for all dietary needs if shes hungry

kids need to be as self sufficient as she, your son, OP, needs to get his arse in gear

I haven’t read the whole thread so this might be a repetition but is the dad a bit shit at parenting generally?

I suspect that it’s probably relevant that the mum wasn’t home……

I think different families are different in how (or even whether) they 'do' lunch. At 11 I definitely remember going to some friends houses and just not having lunch because they just didn't really bother with it unless they got very hungry, I found it odd and was starving but too shy to say anything!

I think they key is whether the friend's dad fed him but not your son, which would be really weird and rude.

I would be pressing DS to let you know if this is what happened because if it is, I think you need to have a word with the dad about why, especially as you feed his kid all the time.

If dad just forgot/ assumed they were sorting themselves out, then that's just their dynamic and your son needs to try and speak up when he's hungry.

my 18 month old can whip up a 3 course banquet for 12 catering for all dietary needs if shes hungry

Quite right, children these days are so lazy.

This is frustrating but it happens a lot.
Growing up, my house was often the house we would hang out at. That’s because my mum always cooked extra for my friends and was happy to host sleepovers whenever we wanted. As an adult, I asked her about it and she said it’s always best to provide a safe space for your children and their friends to hang out, as you don’t know what their houses and families are truly like. This way, children will choose to be well looked after and remain safe. This was true as some of my friends had difficult home lives and became close to my family by spending so long at my house.
My child is younger than yours, but I am always volunteering to host play dates and keep the children entertained and happy at our house. I’d like to stay closeby as my child grows older, and I think this is a good start.
I do understand your frustrations and I do sometimes feel overwhelmed by taking on the extra childcare and food expense, but try to think of it as an investment into a happier and safer child. It is unfair, but you just can’t control how other people parent.
Your child’s friends parents are obviously not as bothered as you are about any of it, there isn’t much you can do if you want to keep the peace and allow your child to have friendships with a variety of children.
stay strong OP!

If I hadn't asked someone for lunch and they were overstaying their welcome then I wouldn't offer food.

Probably though I should just be more direct and let them know that they need to leave...

A friend of your child doesn't need a specific lunch invitation, do they?

Bit much to expect an 11 year old to have that sort of social nous.

@Catvieira . That is so lovely and it's nice to think of it not only as an 'investment' in your own child being safe and happy, but also in their friends being fed and having a safe space, even if it does seem unfair always to be the 'giver' of hospitality. Like your mum said, you can never be sure of what goes on behind closed doors and some households may not have enough food for their own children, let alone others. Or even if outwardly well-off, there might be financial/domestic abuse.

Dads seem quite shit at feeding people. My DH regularly forgets to feed our own children, never mind anyone else's! At weekends sometimes I go for a run at lunchtime and assume they've had lunch when I have a 2pm sandwich and the kids are like, can I have one...

@Catvieira you and your mum sound lovely. I feel similar - I've taught teenagers for years and know that not everyone is as lucky as us and ds

I'd love ds' pals to think of purs as a safe house and although I think most of his pals have nice lives you never really know

One of his mates is one of 8 and I know there's not much money or time spare so if we go swimming etc I tend to invite him along

Unless we're off out (we're very much home bodies) then ds' pals don't need an invitation from me. I'm also happy for them to stay over if it's edging towards being late and they're settled (as long as their parents are OK with it)

The same thing happened to my DD - she’s only 9 and so is her friend. As a PP mentioned, this friend is by far the youngest in the family so I assumed they’re out of the habit of gathering together for lunch. We all sit down and eat together if we’re in the house and DD badgers me for lunch from 11.55 onwards so no chance of missing a meal here! She would be too shy to ask for anything and her friend is a picky eater so wouldn’t probably be bothered about lunch either. They did have a packet of crisps apparently but she was there all day! DP was quite annoyed and wanted to text the dad (who he is friends with) to ask wtf was going on but I talked him out of it and told DD to ask for food next time. They’re just a very busy, slightly chaotic household and as a sedentary, boring household it seems strange to us.

Just sending a huge round of applause to @billy1966 post at half eleven last night re feckless useless fathers 👏👏👏

It's strange (and also quite shit) but I agree lots of men seem to be like this.

I could just about understand it if actually they haven't made themselves lunch yet. But if they've made lunch for themselves and just ignored everyone else, that's pretty terrible.