to expect him to have been fed?

[Workyticket]

DS is 11, he sorts his mates coming round etc these days and I only really get in touch with their Mums if the kids want to go somewhere new (they play out a little but only at agreed places)

He was at his mate's house today from 10 am until about 3pm and came home ravenous

We had the same mate at ours for a sleepover last weekend (11 am to about tea time the next day so he had breakfast, dinners and teas here)

He often comes after school and I make him tea before he goes home. He's had takeaways here etc. I'm definitely a feeder and make meals I know ds' pals like.

DS was cagey about whether his mate had lunch while he was there but he wasn't offered anything. His dad was home.

Absolutely no money issues - similar jobs to us, we've been at extravagant parties they've thrown etc

DS had his bank card and I've reminded him he could have nipped to the shop by his mate's house or to the chippy but tbh I did think they'd maybe offer him some lunch!

Was he offered food and declined? My son has one friend that always declines food offered at our house regardless if he's here for 2 hours or 8 hours.

We’ve had a couple of instances where I do wonder. My DD10 was invited after school to friend’s house to go trick or treating. They then dropped her home about 6:30pm. She had not eaten much more than one of the sweets they’d got when out. She wasn’t offered anything. At home mine often have a quick snack when coming in from school and then we eat tea (or dinner if you prefer) at 5pm or between 5-6 depending on what day it is. By 6:30 we are all definitely fed and ready for relaxing before showers. We’ve had other friends come to ours after school in the summer to play out. They’ve all gone home first to change and headed to ours. When I offered one girl tea she had already had hers straight in from school before heading out to ours but happily sat down and ate with us what I was making. If my DD has gone straight round to one of theirs after school I’ve usually asked for her to be home by 5 when we will be having tea so I don’t expect anyone to feed her. She has occasionally gone to the shop with friends when out for snacks. She’s not done any full day playing round at friends to be honest but if there from 10-3 I would definitely expect her to have been offered a sandwich or some kind of snack. I know a couple of the friends do offer snacks. When her friends have been at mine during the day they’ve often gone into the kitchen to make themselves something. We do seem to have an open cupboard policy though with food and snacks. They do tend to check in with me first but unless I’m about to make a meal they can have a snack if they’re hungry.

It does seem that different families have different expectations and eat on totally different schedules. But I do know if my DD was hungry she would probably say something to her friend or even text me and I’d come and get her if the food wasn’t available.

I don’t think this is a big deal, being hungry won’t do him any harm. Personally, I prefer to feed my children because I know they’re getting something healthy.

10am -3pm is not such a big deal tbh - anyone would think his body was about to go into starvation state. Jeez, why didn't he just say he was hungry to his mate and get his mate to get him some food? I went and made myself food at my mates house lol. The dad probably had no idea -unless the boy ate something in front of your son who was offered nothing, which is very weird..

No, their kid stays later at mine than my kid stays at theirs (due to not being fed there we pick him up earlier so he has time to eat at home), and they are aware that he asks for food and therefore has to be fed at mine. Because as I also explained I have attempted not to feed him and he then asked for food and then had seconds. there is no option not to feed this kid, even if she would prefer him to eat later. And she is always grateful that I feed him actually. Which is a lot of the time, because they prefer to come here than to theirs…I wonder why 🤔🤷🏽‍♀️ probably because they get fed!!

Id stop having round so much. Or have him at times where there are not mealtimes.

Yabu. It is no one's responsibility to feed your child but yours, with the exception of them going to a restaurant or your child spending the night.

🤷🏽‍♀️ I won’t do that. 😂 I want my child’s friends to feel welcome and I’m glad we have a home where kids can come and know they won’t go home hungry.
people like me aren’t the problem here 😂 I’m welcoming and nurturing to all children. It’s not me who needs to change!! 👍🏼 I’m happy with how I treat children in my home.

I think your anxious about it because you're a feeder, but not everyone is. I make breakfast; and dinner in my house which is around 5pm - anything in between that depends on where we are and what we're up to.

My son's 9 and has free rein of the kitchen, and I always have quick food in that he can make in between meals (eggs, avocado, fruit, pitta bread, stuff for sandwiches, cheese etc). He's always, from being tiny, loved being independant in the kitchen - it makes him feel like a grown-up.

So maybe Dad has a similar attitude - that if your son was hungry he would of told his mate and his mate would have made him a snack - especially at 11 years old.

If my son was going to his mates or out for the day - I'd have popped snacks in his bag, even if it was just a banana and a sandwich. So maybe because you do something, you expect others to do the same. But we're not all the same.

In future, tell your son to make a sandwich that he takes with him as he could be wrong assuming just because your a feeder everyone else is.

I don't think its a big deal. He's 11. He could easily have come home if he was hungry. When my boys were gaming with their friends they often weren't bothered about food.

Sounds like how I eat. 2 main meals breakfast and dinner - filled with 3 snacks in between. A snack might be avocado, cheese and nuts, or a banana and peanut butter. I have more energy when I eat like that - my body doesn't need 3 main meals - it much prefers smaller and often.

I also don't eat by the clock - I eat when I'm hungry - or to prepare myself for work or the gym.

I’m glad there are people who have the financial means to feed the neighbourhood. Whereas some of us are budgeting for every meal we consume

😂🤦🏽‍♀️ yeah I mean I’m drowning in money here 🙄 you’re assuming a lot.
I feed my sons friend a meal when he’s here over a meal time, or provide snacks if necessary. I am happy to go without to provide that to ensure that my sons friends feel welcome and comfortable in my home.
and I would RATHER go without to ensure that my sons friend feels comfortable in my home. I am glad my sons friend has that, and I'm sad that not all children do. I don’t find one extra portion of a meal that I have already batch cooked (because contrary to what you have assumed I have to also plan out meals to the Penny 🙄) causes that much issue.

No it’s good that you feel happy doing that.

but I wouldn’t be able to regularly feed my children’s friends. The food and snacks we have are mainly consumed by my own children, we rarely have a well stocked fridge as our outgoings have drastically increased. We have enough for our own.

Depends on the parent doesn't it. If I'd asked my dad for something he would have been really shitty to me. So I never did.

6-10 is young. And 10 year olds shouldn't be made to be responsible for feeding 6yo siblings especially when there is a parent around.

The husband deserved what he got. Hopefully he's bucked up his ideas. Women shouldn't accept this crap from lazy men.

That you would go rather go without food really jumps out at me - Why would you prefer to do this , when these other children have their own homes and families?

Are their families desperately struggling to put food on the table?

It’s great that you enjoy nurturing other peoples children, takes a village and all that, but children can go a good few hours between meals without it being an issue.

There is a big difference between feeling hungry, and actual starvation.

@tryanotherone123 on MN there are always posters who will excuse the shittiest of lazy behaviour from men.

Even expecting a 10 year old to feed younger siblings because their father can't be arsed.🙄

Yes indeed there are children that are raised to fend for themselves and at 10 would be used to looking after/feeding their siblings..... but IMO god love them.

Often they would be subject to benign neglect, perhsps not involved with SS but certainly not what I would call well cared for.

I make no apology for choosing to rear my children in an environment where their father most certainly would never dream of sitting in his office whilst I was out with a friend for 6 hours.

Friends husband was filleted by his wife.

She was so furious at his selfishness and the fact remains, her 10 year old was not used to making his own lunch, not to mind for his siblings, and nor would my friend have wanted her children to be reared in such a manner.

As I wrote, it WAS a huge moment in their marriage and it wasn't fixed easily.

3 months later he was a different man because my friend made it crystal clear HIS behaviour had changed her feelings for him.

They are still married as I wrote.

One thing that I now recall afterwards was she said she was NEVER bringing him food, coffee etc to his office again when he was working in there.
THAT day was over.

Obviously he had been low level selfish for years and she had tolerated it, but such an overtly selfish display towards her lovely children changed everything in her eyes.

Nothing quite like being told by your lovely, calm, measured wife that she is DONE and wants a divorce as she can't look at you now, nor stand to be around you.

Obviously I was measured in my response to her at the time, not defending him at all nor sticking in the knife, but he was such a pompous ass, I will admit to enjoying hearing him being told a few home truths.

Their marriage is very different now, a decade + later, and in fairness to him he would do anything for her.

His children adore their mother but he irritates them a bit, and they don't hide it.

Late teens/early 20's can be brutal like that.😁

I don't automatically assume that DS will get fed at his mates' house when they make arrangements themselves. So when I find out they have made arrangements over lunchtime I ask DS what the arrangements for lunch are and encourage him to check with his mates. These practicalities don't feature in their own independent planning. They then sometimes decide they will have pizza so I send him with money or they arrange to meet after lunch or a respective parent will say they will provide lunch.

I am very happy to provide lots of snacks for DS & his friends but don't often provide main meals because there are quite a few of them and they tend to meet/get invited as a group to those households who have most space (me included) and that's no problem at all for me. But I am then not putting myself in a position where I am providing lots of main meals on a regular basis as I am juggling so many other things. I have no problem declaring that it's 'home time now' and send everyone on their way before sitting down for a family meal.

😂🤣😂🤣😂 Im laughing, but its so true. Your username very apt for this thread 'YouShouldntHaveAsked'

I think that’s shit. Sorry for your son OP

I had a bad habit of bringing a friend home from school and asking if she could stay for tea. Mum couldn't say no but never told Mr to not do it. This was in the 1950's.

So @Workyticket did you ever actually ask ds if his friend got fed when he was there

Or both boys didn't eat