Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect him to have been fed?

272 replies

Workyticket · 23/02/2023 21:37

DS is 11, he sorts his mates coming round etc these days and I only really get in touch with their Mums if the kids want to go somewhere new (they play out a little but only at agreed places)

He was at his mate's house today from 10 am until about 3pm and came home ravenous

We had the same mate at ours for a sleepover last weekend (11 am to about tea time the next day so he had breakfast, dinners and teas here)

He often comes after school and I make him tea before he goes home. He's had takeaways here etc. I'm definitely a feeder and make meals I know ds' pals like.

DS was cagey about whether his mate had lunch while he was there but he wasn't offered anything. His dad was home.

Absolutely no money issues - similar jobs to us, we've been at extravagant parties they've thrown etc

DS had his bank card and I've reminded him he could have nipped to the shop by his mate's house or to the chippy but tbh I did think they'd maybe offer him some lunch!

OP posts:
autienotnaughty · 23/02/2023 22:12

We often don't eat lunch at weekends. We have a decent breakfast 10ish then tea around 5. But tbf if someone was round I'd ask if they wanted something making.

ramanw · 23/02/2023 22:12

Could they have been trying to get him to
Leave?

I do this with people when they have overstayed their welcome. I stop offering coffees and don't offer food in the hope that they will leave soon.

Rahrahrahraah · 23/02/2023 22:12

Is it half term for you?

Maybe the dad was working and expected his son to sort himself and his guest out but for some reason he didn't (being 11 he might have just forgotten)?

JodiePants · 23/02/2023 22:14

Are they Swedish? I read an article and saw several memes about how Swedish people don't feed their guests.

TheHauntedPencilCase · 23/02/2023 22:16

It would never occur to my DH to feed another child. I've genuinely had to remind him to feed our own children. Maybe your son was at ours.....

That said I always pick DH up on it, they should have given your child food. I'm a feeder too, I would have given lunch and snacks.

SpanishGirly · 23/02/2023 22:17

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

poetryandwine · 23/02/2023 22:19

Charitably, the friend’s dad was WFH and unaware that the boys had not eaten.

I agree that sometimes parents don’t feed children who hang around at mealtimes in the absence of an invitation. But it is a question of balance. As you are generous with the other boy, it would be pretty poor for his family not to seize a rare chance of repaying your hospitality. They shouldn’t have higher standards for your DS than for their own.

pristinesurfacesGBTD · 23/02/2023 22:19

People are fucking weird. I remember being invited to a friends house (aged c. 12 or 13) one weekend afternoon and being made to wait in the garden while friend and siblings were given a roast lunch. I didn't gatecrash, I was invited round. Nobody else was there, they were a well off family. Totally alien behaviour.

ReadersD1gest · 23/02/2023 22:19

TheHauntedPencilCase · 23/02/2023 22:16

It would never occur to my DH to feed another child. I've genuinely had to remind him to feed our own children. Maybe your son was at ours.....

That said I always pick DH up on it, they should have given your child food. I'm a feeder too, I would have given lunch and snacks.

God almighty, what's wrong with him?

Codlingmoths · 23/02/2023 22:20

Next time I’d ask to speak to dad and say can you make sure ds eats his lunch, I think he must have gotten too distracted last time.
I would NOT expect my 11yo to pop out to the shops at a friends. I’d regard the friends parents as negligent if my child was just allowed to leave.

Original poster
Workyticket · 23/02/2023 22:21

Yes, we're on half term.

He'd not been invited by the parents, just the son but that's kind of how it works out now they're 11. I'm often stepping over various unarranged kids in my house and I only have 1!

I always offer food because I know some of his pals get up at the crack of dawn so might have eaten really early

We're a 'help yourself' house and ds and his friends will sort themselves if I'm not around / don't offer quick enough to stop them gnawing their arms off 🤣

No - it's not a huge deal and he didn't starve but I think it's a bit crap is all

OP posts:
Original poster
Workyticket · 23/02/2023 22:23

The dad was looking after a younger sibling so doubt wfh but could have been

OP posts:
Experimentingwithbeads · 23/02/2023 22:24

When I was that age, I used to tell my mum I was ‘at a friends house’ and me and said friend would go off doing all sorts? Maybe he wasn’t there at all? And has something that might have given him ‘the munchies’ before he came home?

Zosime · 23/02/2023 22:26

He'd not been invited by the parents, just the son

So the son was the host, it's up to him to offer food and drink. Eleven is quite old enough to host visitors properly.

Forgooodnesssakenow · 23/02/2023 22:27

JodiePants · 23/02/2023 22:14

Are they Swedish? I read an article and saw several memes about how Swedish people don't feed their guests.

Really? My Swedish friend is an absolute feeder, literally brings entire meals to our house

Original poster
Workyticket · 23/02/2023 22:34

Nope - as above, he was 100% there

I was also the kid drinking in the quarry (albeit at 14, not 11) and my parents had no clue

I teach teenagers and have done for 20 odd years - I'm definitely not green!

OP posts:
MrsMullerBecameABaby · 23/02/2023 22:36

Experimentingwithbeads · 23/02/2023 22:24

When I was that age, I used to tell my mum I was ‘at a friends house’ and me and said friend would go off doing all sorts? Maybe he wasn’t there at all? And has something that might have given him ‘the munchies’ before he came home?

at 11??? 15 maybe but 11?

It remains me of the 'Once I was 7 years old' song where he sings about drinking bourbon when he was 11 and his dad advising him to get himself a wife or he'd be lonely...

My eldest was friends with a girl who was the youngest of 5 with quite a big gap between her and the next youngest, when she was 10 or 11. They'd shifted into more of a fend for yourself for lunch and eat together in the evening model (which is perfectly appropriate to teens) so if she was there from 10-5 she wouldn't necessarily be offered lunch unless her friend made it for her. They lived just down the road and once came back to ours together for lunch then went back 🤔

At the time I was mildly outraged as I was still in small - children mode (my youngest was only 5) providing 3 meals at the table if we were all at home.

However now my own youngest is 11 and the older two are older teens we've shifted exactly the same way! All my kids including my 11 year old are more than capable of making themselves and any guests they have lunch - usually sandwiches, toasties, home made pizza, pasta or similar - I usually only cook in the evening and wouldn't make everyone sandwiches because I don't tend to eat them myself.

So it's actually not that odd IMO, though the presence of a younger sibling rather than an older one makes it a bit odder...

EmmiJay · 23/02/2023 22:36

What @JodiJodiePants said. No child leaves my house hungry! (Sounds a bit sinister when put like that but you know lol)

VictorStrand · 23/02/2023 22:37

I'd assume it was a hint that they wanted your DS to go home earlier tbh.

arethereanyleftatall · 23/02/2023 22:38

We're another house who wouldn't necessarily eat between 10 & 3 on a no school day. Big breakfast, dinner at 4ish

Viviennemary · 23/02/2023 22:41

I was told you don't remain in somebody's house at meal times unless specifically invited to stsy for the meal. So no you shoukdnt have expected him to be fed.

MrsCarson · 23/02/2023 22:42

There are weird families out there. I wouldn't be surprised if he was just left out from Lunch and left to hang out in the bedroom while his friend ate.

Original poster
Workyticket · 23/02/2023 22:43

The boys are both the oldest in the families at 11 (well, ds is an only)

To be clear - I'll not stop feeding his pals. I like that they feel comfortable here and I get stuff in especially for a couple of his more fussy mates now I know what they like

I just thought it was weird (and a bit crap) that the 1 time he's at their house they've not even made him a butty

He's a shy lad - he'd never ask if not offered (whereas this friend will say "I'm hungry Worky, can I please have...")

OP posts:
Motherhubbardscupboard · 23/02/2023 22:48

I bet the dad didn't even think about it. My DH wouldn't either! But I agree it's rubbish of him.

Shinyandnew1 · 23/02/2023 22:49

If he wasn’t invited by the parents and it had got to lunchtime and not offered food, I think I would take that as a hint to go home!