To leave 4 week old to cry

[Toastmostwoast]

With their dad!?

I'm honestly not sure what other parents do in this situation so want to know whether IWBU.

First baby is 4 weeks old, has recently started a witching ‘hour’ which coincides with DHs weekday ‘shift’ with her while I have a nap.

Since he is back at work and needs to leave early I tend to sleep 8pm-12am and then do the night shift (12am - 6am) as she sleeps relatively well but nosily. However she has started to cry for the sake of crying every night between 8-11. During this time she will only settle if I cuddle or sing to her, she will also not be put down during this time.

For the past week I’ve been reducing my sleep time to support, as I know it’s stressful for DH to be sat with a screaming baby for 3-4 hours straight, I also know he has a tendency to overfeed during this time as he can misinterpret her hungry cues.

I currently have a stinking cold and am tempted to go back to my 8-12 sleep and just leave DH to deal with DD, as I’m knackered, but is that super unreasonable when I know she will be distressed and I can ‘fix’ it in minutes whereas DH will be struggling for hours?

I just can’t see any other way to get ‘solid’ rest, DH can’t do the 12-6 due to work and tbh she isn’t bad overnight, with my 4 hours ‘nap’ and the few hours I get between 12-6 I usually am quite well rested, but now with her 8-11 screaming sessions I feel so guilty even considering going back to sleeping while she is upset.

WIBU, is this what most parents do in this situation? As mentioned she is our first so I have no idea what’s normal.

I'm not sure if the OP is even reading this anymore but I am concerned for her mental health.

The more I read your posts @Toastmostwoast, the more I sense that you are less than besotted with your newborn, and that's concerning. Please, please seek help x

Also, she absolutely could sleep in a different room. If she’s a healthy weight, laid on her back and in suitable bedding there is no reason why not.

And before I get flamed, I KNOW that is against current guidance but there are a lot of things that are ‘current guidance’ that are just ridiculous.

My second DS was a noisy sleeper and he was in his own room by 4 weeks so we could all sleep better.

It is absolutely not concerning to not be ‘besotted’ by your newborn for goodness sake.

I’d say for a sleep-deprived mum of a colicky baby it’s entirely normal.

Completely unreasonable. 4 week old babies do not cry for the sake of crying, they cry because that is how they communicate. Your baby is communicating a need and baby needs you!
You need to put your baby first here, it isn’t about you or your husband getting lots of rest, it’s about not making your tiny baby be distressed for hours when they don’t need to be.
I have 3 young children and know loads of other parents and I have never heard of anyone else doing this. don’t leave your baby to cry when you can comfort them.

@letthemalldoone

no it isn’t

you don’t have to be besotted with your kids

She needs her Mother. You are her mother so you should share the burden with your partner and hold her while she cries. Even though it doesn't feel like it, their cortisol levels does go down when they are being held and rocked whilst they cry so it does count for something.

It's easier when you can pass her to one another rather than one person doing the whole witching hour which seems unfair to me.

Look up fourth trimester and wake windows as overtiredness plays a big part in them crying I find.

You need to cosleep with her, she’s a normal high needs newborn baby. She knows you, knows your smell and it’s home. Look up the safe seven sleep and enjoy her. You’re not against her. She also sounds extra fussy, maybe get her checked out, a different formula?

One of the safe sleep 7 is breastfeeding.

Exactly - and OP is not breastfeeding.

Also ‘You need to co-sleep’ is terrible, dogmatic advice. You might like it but OP’s already said she finds it hard to sleep in the same room as because her baby is a noisy sleeper.

I adored all my babies but as a light sleeper co-sleeping with them would have been a nightmare.

When will the co-sleeping martyrs understand that IT’S. NOT. FOR. EVERYONE.

What an awful thing to say and situation to equate this too!! This new Mum has literally said she is not well, and is CONSIDERING leaving the child with their FATHER while she tries to get some sleep and therefore recover. Have you never heard the saying it takes a village to raise a child? Mothers these days are expected to have no village and suffer, no time for recovery or to be sick, just struggle on. I am completely against sleep training and leaving babies to cry, but this baby will not be alone they will be with their Dad.

@Elaina87

What an awful thing to say and situation to equate this too!!

You realise it was the OP that compared to when mothers died right??
And how babies just had to cope.

I was agreeing with PP that it's horrible to compare the situations 🙄

I'd like to ask the OP what the father/partner was doing during pregnancy and during his (hopefully) 2 weeks paternity leave? He should have been talking to bump (familiar voice for bubba once born). He should have been trying to have skin on skin in 1st 2 weeks and holding baby once fed and all needs met to help reinforce positive bond with baby.

Also, just looking at the situation from now, maybe start with father/partner looking after awake baby, helping create that bond. Also OP sounds like you are anxious and stressed (I know that can't be helped) but maybe try not to portray that too much, as baby picks up on mamas stress and they in turn will be upset as mama doesn't sound too confident in what she's doing. Fake it til you make it comes to mind. All parents do this. Plus all parents learnt that child and their needs are first, your needs come second. Every time.

And to those who said it takes a village. They're right. Get friends or family to come over during the day - hold bubba awake while you sleep. Go to baby groups. Talk to other mums/dads. I was out from 2 weeks at 1 baby group a week. Godsend. I know that's not for everyone though.

Lack of sleep is normal. Plus, best quote I was ever told.........'everything is a phase'. Each month is completely different to the last. You just have to roll with it.

Did you also see the OPs reply that she lost her sister in exactly this situation not that long ago? She's not plucked the idea of mothers dying out of thin air. She's literally talking about something she's lived through. And no doubt having her own baby now will have brought up feelings of grief and loss that will be compounded by sleeplessness and the difficulties involved with having a tiny baby. It's really sad how people have leapt to judgement here.

This bubba should be about 12 weeks old now.....would love to learn how mama is getting on and if there's any improvement on your situation?

Genuinely this makes my heart hurt to think of leaving the baby crying with all that cortisol racing through instead of holding them or comforting them.

Have you read up on attachment theory and the importance of the bonding with mum /4th trimester etc?

Its not an awful thing to say its true, learn about attachment theory.

There is obviously a difference with getting your village to help v leaving your baby screaming for 4 hours with cortisol rushing through their views, that is early trauma right there.

This x 1 million

This seems an odd arrangement but presumably, you are at home. Why are you going to bed at 8pm and leaving an unsettled baby with DH? Why not spend the evening together and with baby, who is only 4 weeks and not in a sleep pattern yet, and all go to bed about 11 pm and you do the night feeds - which is surely only one if fed at eleven? You can nap during the day at home, whenever the baby sleeps (do not do housework in these times, sleep). Also consider if your DB has colic, which will cause her to cry. If so, talk to your GP or health visitor about how to deal with it. If she is quiet with you, then it is you she wants, I'm afraid, and at 4 weeks you is what she also needs - btw that she is quiet with you does not mean she doesn't have colic.

Zombie thread!

4 week old babies dont cry for the sake of it !!!! What decent mother could leave child crying.

Why does it have to be a 12 - 6 shift? Why can't your husband have her 2am until the morning? O or you sleep 11pm until 3am?

The baby is a toddler now. Someone bumped it just to have a pointless go at the OP.