To leave 4 week old to cry

[Toastmostwoast]

With their dad!?

I'm honestly not sure what other parents do in this situation so want to know whether IWBU.

First baby is 4 weeks old, has recently started a witching ‘hour’ which coincides with DHs weekday ‘shift’ with her while I have a nap.

Since he is back at work and needs to leave early I tend to sleep 8pm-12am and then do the night shift (12am - 6am) as she sleeps relatively well but nosily. However she has started to cry for the sake of crying every night between 8-11. During this time she will only settle if I cuddle or sing to her, she will also not be put down during this time.

For the past week I’ve been reducing my sleep time to support, as I know it’s stressful for DH to be sat with a screaming baby for 3-4 hours straight, I also know he has a tendency to overfeed during this time as he can misinterpret her hungry cues.

I currently have a stinking cold and am tempted to go back to my 8-12 sleep and just leave DH to deal with DD, as I’m knackered, but is that super unreasonable when I know she will be distressed and I can ‘fix’ it in minutes whereas DH will be struggling for hours?

I just can’t see any other way to get ‘solid’ rest, DH can’t do the 12-6 due to work and tbh she isn’t bad overnight, with my 4 hours ‘nap’ and the few hours I get between 12-6 I usually am quite well rested, but now with her 8-11 screaming sessions I feel so guilty even considering going back to sleeping while she is upset.

WIBU, is this what most parents do in this situation? As mentioned she is our first so I have no idea what’s normal.

How can you sleep when bubs is screaming anyway? So if you can sleep then how can you not sleep when she's just noisy sleeping?

It all sounds fairly normal, and it sucks while you're in it. My baby cried a lot from around 7-10pm and I think looking back he wanted to cluster feed. I was breastfeeding and it was excruciating for me so I would say "no it's only been 45 mins" or something since I last fed as I hated it at the time. However, I think it's what he needed. So maybe try feeding little and often whenever she wants it between this time.

Also, getting by on broken 4 hours sleep is so normal and it's exhausting but it's just what you gotta do at this stage. You will get used to less sleep and these days pass, quick. You'll want them back again. I know, my boy is 1 in 4 days.

My message is do what needs to be done, you'll get by on no sleep and it'll pass and you'll want to do it all over again.

P.S cluster feed.

My middle child was like that. She cluster fed from about 6pm until 11/12pm every night for weeks. As we had an older disabled child I’d just take her into bed with me in the evening and let her feed while I napped or just lay in the sofa and let her feed and I slept in and off throughout the evening.

4 weeks is very young and if she’s definitely not hungry then she just needs her mum. It won’t last forever .

4 week olds don't cry for the sake of crying

Colic is, as you quoted, crying for no reason. You know why she is crying, because she wants you and not him.

Why are youj talking about going without sleep for months, when you have already said the baby sleeps quite well? You sleep when they sleep, and at 4 weeks they sleep a lot.

Try gripe water, it may help it may not. Certainly did with mine. Could you also put her crib at a slight angle? My wee one had silent reflux and we had to do this, could dh put her in her pram a d rock her to settle her, or, if your neighbourhood is safe enough, take her out for a walk?

With the formula - my eldest would sometimes take 11oz in one sitting, if they are hungry then you feed them, that’s what I was told

OP, I feel for you. This was me 16 weeks ago at one point t, we had a sick 3 year old as well, it really seemed like an impossible situation.

The only thing I can suggest is switch up the timing of your shifts slightly for a couple of weeks? My partner has a job that doesn’t go well with sleep deprivation too but that’s just part of it I suppose. As you’ve found, motherhood doesn’t really lend itself to sleep deprivation either.

The best thing I can tell you is that it really doesn’t last forever and just when I felt like it was impossible, it quickly started to get easier. It will pass, probably sooner than it feels.

Yes, you ate being unfair leaving him with a screaming baby for 3-4 hours solid when you say you can settle her in minutes

Perhaps of she is crying from 8-11 you could leave her with dad earlier and get a few hours sleep 6-8 then sleep again once she’s asleep. It’s not about having no sleep its about getting sleep when you can.

Also it is possible she could have reflux or similar - I’d suggest getting her checked out. Colic is also possible and again colic drops and massage etc can all help with this.

I may sound unsympathetic but I did 24-7 solo with a reflux baby and yes it’s rough as hell and exhausting but that’s the newborn phase for you.

This try getting DH to do " bedtime" during his shift.

I agree with @Sirikit

I would suggest getting your husband to swaddle her, good and proper so she can't escape and then just hold and nurse, she may well fight it and cry initially but after a couple of nights she will be fine. May I also suggest instead of picking her up try using a soothing voice to tell her mama is right there and she is fine and use your fingers to stroke her forhead downwards to beside her eyebrows. It's tough being a Mum, I would advise trying to get sleep sorted before the teething starts or ya will lose yer mind. Good luck

OP, bless you, sounds like you're having a really hard time. I've logged on for the first time in years to reply.

Of course you need sleep. I'm guessing that the posters telling you to suck it up haven't been in the position where you wake every ten minutes at every noise the baby makes and end up so utterly desperate you don't feel safe.

A friend of mine was in this state and she was so tired she crashed the car. She was lucky not to kill herself and the baby. I was so tired with my first (who had silent reflux) I fell asleep with the hairdryer on and nearly set fire to the house. You need to sleep.

The baby is fine with Dad. All this 'babies need their Mums exclusively' stuff ignores a) that we've evolved to raise children in extended family groups so would have help and b) we're socialised to believe women are inherently better at this stuff. The likelihood is that you've had more practice at finding what soothes your baby. (And I have a degree in this stuff, before anyone tells me I don't know what I'm talking about.)

Good luck, OP. It's really hard at this age - take care of yourself.

I love how people think that nappies, wind and hunger are the only possible things that can distress a baby and once they’ve been checked they’re just crying for no reason. I can guarantee you that the last time I cried it wasn’t because I was hungry or had a dirty arse. Babies are people too, they can get upset for emotional rather than physical reasons too. The difference between babies and adults, especially as young as 4 weeks is that they have absolutely no idea what on earth is going on. They’ve spent their literal entire life INSIDE their mother, and then all of a sudden they’re out in a strange world with strange sounds, smells and sights. They have no idea what anything is and the only thing familiar and comforting is their mum. But obviously daring to want their mum is them screaming for no reason 🙄. How inconvenient!

So sorry you're having a tough time bless you x sleep deprivation is no joke! Have you spoken to your health visitor? X excessive crying could be a sign of something else x maybe colic? Or an intolerance? X speak to your health visitor when you next see then or take her along to your gp and explain your concerns x also, I'm getting the sense you worry about your other half having to listen to a screaming baby...remember, you're a team. You're in this together x stay strong mama xx

People that tell other mums to suck it up wind me up so much :( motherhood is bloody hard, a bit of empathy goes a long way for other mums! I can bet that half of those mums have sat on the floor exhausted and sleep deprived and have sobbed like many of us have! X

If you have to stay up just do it, the baby needs you. Lie down and cuddle her, whatever she needs. I remember it well, also make sure well burped wind causes pain. I think mine may have had colic they told me months later very helpful!

Oh OP. I know there have been a lot of replies but just wanted to give you my sympathies. When DD1 was born I thought I was losing my mind. She cried non stop it was just torture. Five years later I had DS1 and I’d say my instincts for why he was crying were so much better second time around. Sometimes it’s really really hard with your first baby to pinpoint what the issue is. That’s totally natural, you’ve never done it before and you’re also recovering from the birth (and having had a c-section myself I know how physically debilitating recovery can be at just 4 weeks).

She might have colic. Some babies do and it’s a nightmare. When you and DH are feeling a bit more with it could you maybe sit down and go through an average day/routine to try and pinpoint the moments she gets upset? You might notice some triggers. With my DD it was because she was hungry and we weren’t able to recognise her cues as I was constantly breastfeeding and thinking she was getting enough.

FABULOUS POST! ❤️

DS2 had colic, screamed from 6-7 every night unless I jigged him up and down and sang to him, but it passed, think is lasted about a month, but memory is a fickle thing! DH said the tone of the crying pressed his "infanticide" button (he would not actually have done anything, but he could not deal with it). I think there was pain, it really was not the cry of a baby wanting attention.

@Greentree1

her Dad can lay down and cuddle her though…

My 3rd baby is 3 months old now but since about 2 weeks old she’s wanted to cluster feed in the evening, if she’s crying with DH and still taking a feed then could be the same thing. Baby will fall to sleep with you because you are their ultimate comfort.

Alternatively why don’t you try giving DH a shirt or something of yours to see if that settles baby better while you get some sleep? It’s not unreasonable to leave baby to get some rest, they’re being cared for with DH. It’s bloody hard work with a baby and you need to take care of yourself too as hormones and everything peak about 6 weeks postpartum. A well rested mama is a happy one! X

she has started to cry for the sake of crying every night
WHAT?! This has honestly shocked me and there's not much that does.

Did you not do any reading about how humans develop when you were pregnant? S/he cannot do anything 'for the sake of it'. If she cries, she needs you. At 4 weeks she needs you - not another 'caregiver'. She still thinks she's inside you, she has no understanding of the fact that she is separate from other people, she's just hungry or scared. Those are the options.

I can’t believe he’s doing tummy time and watching TV with an overtired, utterly exhausted baby and expecting her to settle.

8pm is very late in the day by baby standards.

You need to start a bedtime routine by 7pm: warm bath (no need for bubble bath as having this daily may dry her skin), moisturise her with lavender moisturiser, fresh sleepsuit, lights off with just fairy lights on, lullaby or white noise and/or projector and then give her the last feed before rocking her to sleep.

Also, keeping her upright for 30 mins after each feed is exhausting and unnecessary for both you and baby. Burp her and if that doesn’t work then start using infacol. Worked wonders with ours. Otherwise you’re not letting her drop off naturally after each feed so she’s understandably wondering why the heck you’re torturing her by keeping her awake and upright.

OP has your DH tried baby wearing?

when mine were little they would often cry and scream like this for hours and I like you felt so exhausted it was becoming unsafe.

It took a while to figure out, but if my husband put her in the carrier and did a few chores (folding laundry, tidying up, washing dishes etc) the closeness and movement was enough to settle them for a while.

I agree. She isn't crying for the sake of it. She wants her mum.
She may have reflux or whatever. Just sooth your baby!