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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave 4 week old to cry

572 replies

Toastmostwoast · 23/02/2023 16:18

With their dad!?

I'm honestly not sure what other parents do in this situation so want to know whether IWBU.

First baby is 4 weeks old, has recently started a witching ‘hour’ which coincides with DHs weekday ‘shift’ with her while I have a nap.

Since he is back at work and needs to leave early I tend to sleep 8pm-12am and then do the night shift (12am - 6am) as she sleeps relatively well but nosily. However she has started to cry for the sake of crying every night between 8-11. During this time she will only settle if I cuddle or sing to her, she will also not be put down during this time.

For the past week I’ve been reducing my sleep time to support, as I know it’s stressful for DH to be sat with a screaming baby for 3-4 hours straight, I also know he has a tendency to overfeed during this time as he can misinterpret her hungry cues.

I currently have a stinking cold and am tempted to go back to my 8-12 sleep and just leave DH to deal with DD, as I’m knackered, but is that super unreasonable when I know she will be distressed and I can ‘fix’ it in minutes whereas DH will be struggling for hours?

I just can’t see any other way to get ‘solid’ rest, DH can’t do the 12-6 due to work and tbh she isn’t bad overnight, with my 4 hours ‘nap’ and the few hours I get between 12-6 I usually am quite well rested, but now with her 8-11 screaming sessions I feel so guilty even considering going back to sleeping while she is upset.

WIBU, is this what most parents do in this situation? As mentioned she is our first so I have no idea what’s normal.

OP posts:
Astralitzia · 23/02/2023 16:37

The fourth trimester is bollocks designed to absolve men of any responsibilities during the hardest time and to guilt the mother into doing all of the drudge work so by the time she starts to recover from birth the bulk of childcare rests firmly on her shoulders and not her partners.

fruitpastille · 23/02/2023 16:38

All my babies were unsettled in the evening in the first few weeks and would cluster feed a lot. It was hard. I spent the evening on the sofa feeding until around 10-11 then either took them up to bed with me or left them sleeping in a moses basket in the living room with DH on the sofa (he would bring them up the next time they woke to feed). I think it's really common. If I was really struggling, dh would take them out for a good walk in the pram or even a drive to give me a rest. Could yours do this? By around 12 weeks the evening feeding time reduced and they started to go to sleep at a more standard bedtime. Personally I wouldn't leave them crying at this age if I knew I could settle them. Will she take a dummy? Some babies really like to suck for comfort.

Everydayimhuffling · 23/02/2023 16:39

She is communicating a need, but he also needs to learn to comfort her. If you go in all the time then he won't feel able to do it and she won't learn to settle for him. That being said, I would probably reduce the length of time if it's non-stop screaming, and look into why.

It is fine for him to comfort her though her upset: DP has done this a lot especially with our younger one who is more "only Mummy will do".

Merryoldgoat · 23/02/2023 16:39

Astralitzia · 23/02/2023 16:37

The fourth trimester is bollocks designed to absolve men of any responsibilities during the hardest time and to guilt the mother into doing all of the drudge work so by the time she starts to recover from birth the bulk of childcare rests firmly on her shoulders and not her partners.

But both parents can sit with the baby on them for hours etc. my DH and I did all that together.

@Toastmostwoast

I’m having trouble getting to the nub - is the baby crying even when you or DH hold her?

FredLovesBread · 23/02/2023 16:39

With newborn DC1, we had blissful evenings binge watching Netflix while he slept on me... Newborn DC2 spent every evening crying for a couple hours Sad but my DH found great success bouncing her on the exercise ball with the hair dryer running, so I'm sure if he's resourceful, he'll work something out! Does he sing? Maybe put her in a carrier and go out for an hour for some fresh air? If you're always doing the comforting because you're "better at it", then I think dads don't get a chance to work things out for themselves and can get complacent and end up leaving more and more to you!

It doesn't last forever! It gets better, I promise! Halo

OutofControl3 · 23/02/2023 16:39

Wow!

Original poster
Toastmostwoast · 23/02/2023 16:40

Derbee · 23/02/2023 16:36

Tou get very little sleep with a newborn. It’s a fact of life. I’m not suggesting NO sleep. But if 8-12 is no longer working for your baby, I’d be changing something.

I have a 10 month old, so I do remember the newborn stage. It’s rough. But the most important thing is meeting all of your babies needs in the 4th trimester

Show quote history

But changing what?

this is why I’m posting, I genuinely don’t understand what ‘gives’

I can’t get 0 sleep, it’s not safe

i am currently unwell which is exasperating the issue so need more sleep than usual anyway

this is what I’m asking, you say ‘I’d be changing something’ but that’s easy to say. There is nothing to change, or at least from where I’m sitting! So am wondering what other parents did in similar situations, what did you do? Get no sleep and just cope?

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 23/02/2023 16:40

YANBU you really need sleep as well so being left with dad is not abandoning her at all and he needs to develop alills so parenting is more equal.
What does your husband do except over feeding her?
Could he try a sling, my middle one loved the sling and would sleep happily on anyone with it.

TomatoSandwiches · 23/02/2023 16:40

Skills*

Hesma · 23/02/2023 16:40

Sounds like my DD with colic. Taking her out for a walk in the pram sometimes helps. It’s tough but you’ll get there. Dad can cope just as well as mum.

ShrimpingViolet · 23/02/2023 16:40

Will she fall asleep if you're holding her OP? If she does, could you also snooze on the sofa if your DH is there and making sure you're both OK and safe? Obviously not what the professionals would say but it might mean you all have a less fraught evening and you're still getting rest.

BertieBotts · 23/02/2023 16:42

Does she settle if you bring her into bed with you? This is basically the way we are meant to sleep, obviously modern bedding etc does introduce a risk to it so you want to follow the safer/risk management co-sleeping guidelines.

For example here is the Lullaby Trust info: www.lullabytrust.org.uk/safer-sleep-advice/co-sleeping/

BertieBotts · 23/02/2023 16:43

FWIW while you're ill I wouldn't be faffing about with changing things - leave her with dad and get some sleep (and don't waste your precious sleep time on MN - this thread is likely to descend into a fight anyway).

Everydayimhuffling · 23/02/2023 16:44

What is your DH doing in the time he's with her? Is he holding her and singing to her like you do? He needs to try lots of things.

Original poster
Toastmostwoast · 23/02/2023 16:44

Merryoldgoat · 23/02/2023 16:39

But both parents can sit with the baby on them for hours etc. my DH and I did all that together.

@Toastmostwoast

I’m having trouble getting to the nub - is the baby crying even when you or DH hold her?

Show quote history

She cries when DH holds her, will stop 80% of the time if I hold her, but even when she doesn’t stop crying for me she will be less screaming more general cry.

We have been monitoring her decibel levels during this period, and for DH he gets dangerous levels of noise but for me if she doesn’t stop completely it’s a much lower level of crying.

My issue is it’s all well and good for me to be able to sooth her, but it means I am getting next to no sleep currently which is leading to dangerous situations around nearly falling asleep with her in the day. Last week was easier as I wasn’t unwell, but atm I just don’t know what gives. I’ve not spoken to one parent who got 0 sleep during this phase, so wanted to post here as it might be the mum friends I have aren’t representative and this is normal and people just get no sleep and deal with it (in which case I’ll manage, but am hoping I’m missing a trick somewhere!)

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 23/02/2023 16:45

Tell him to google 5 Ss - it's a good checklist of things to try to settle a fraught baby.

MissyB1 · 23/02/2023 16:45

Derbee · 23/02/2023 16:27

Totally unreasonable. Tiny babies need their mothers. That’s just how it is, biologically. Dad can help a lot, but NOT when she’s crying and needs you.

Bollocks! What about if a mother (God forbid) died in childbirth? Of course dads can comfort, they just need to learn how.

OP, can he pop her in a sling? Will she take a dummy? Evening crying is definitely “a thing” and she’s exactly the age when it’s a nightmare! She may have colic so being upright in a sling or on his chest /shoulder might help. Also dim lighting and quiet music /TV or white noise.

Thedogscollar · 23/02/2023 16:47

ShrimpingViolet · 23/02/2023 16:40

Will she fall asleep if you're holding her OP? If she does, could you also snooze on the sofa if your DH is there and making sure you're both OK and safe? Obviously not what the professionals would say but it might mean you all have a less fraught evening and you're still getting rest.

Jesus christ do not do this it's dangerous for the baby risks of suffocation or falling from sofa.
You mention your husband can overfeeding her at this time. If this is the case and she is a colicky baby this will only make it worse for baby.
Colic is a real thing btw and very painful. What is babycentre that you refer to? It doesn't sound like a UK based organisation.

AnnaTortoiseshell · 23/02/2023 16:47

Had similar with both my babies. The first time I was appalled that I was supposed to just put up with no sleep, and the second time I had better perspective on it. The witching hour doesn’t last for more than a few weeks. I’d be getting DH to do what he could (eg sling, pram, car - anything that worked) but ultimately couldn’t have ignored my newborn howling for three hours a day as part of the normal routine. It’s fucking hard but I promise it does get better.

Reugny · 23/02/2023 16:47

Astralitzia · 23/02/2023 16:37

The fourth trimester is bollocks designed to absolve men of any responsibilities during the hardest time and to guilt the mother into doing all of the drudge work so by the time she starts to recover from birth the bulk of childcare rests firmly on her shoulders and not her partners.

My own DP and plenty of men I've seen have put their baby in a sling/baby carrier and worn them, when the mother needs to sleep.

Nocutenamesleft · 23/02/2023 16:47

@Toastmostwoast colic isn't a made up condition.....

Horses get colic. So it can't be a made up condition.

Merryoldgoat · 23/02/2023 16:48

If you are both holding/soothing etc and she’s still crying then a) YANBU to leave her with her father and b) You need to investigate why she’s so unhappy at this time.

I had some terrible sleepers but got SOME sleep even early on.

AnnaTortoiseshell · 23/02/2023 16:49

Oh another idea is letting baby sleep on you while you sleep and DH supervises. We did that sometimes with my eldest. It was actually very lovely, in amongst the horror and misery of it all.

Original poster
Toastmostwoast · 23/02/2023 16:49

Everydayimhuffling · 23/02/2023 16:44

What is your DH doing in the time he's with her? Is he holding her and singing to her like you do? He needs to try lots of things.

He sings, feeds, walks around, holds her under the extractor fan (this worked for a couple of days but powerful effects seem to be diminishing day by day)

cuddles her, changes her, tries to get her to take her dummy (she refuses them)

She hates the car seat so going for a drive is out but he does try everything (I did check up on the cameras since I thought maybe he wasn’t doing something obvious in the first few days, but alas)

we’ve also tried him wearing my dressing gown during his shift but it hasn’t had the desired effect.

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 23/02/2023 16:49

Are you winding the baby regularly during the day?

Don’t assume she doesn’t have wind - keep patting until you get a burp - if you don’t then by the evening the baby screams as it’s full of wind!

honestly I’d not leave my husband to deal with that situation alone.

it is very stressful with a screaming baby and you’re supposed to be a team