To leave 4 week old to cry

[Toastmostwoast]

With their dad!?

I'm honestly not sure what other parents do in this situation so want to know whether IWBU.

First baby is 4 weeks old, has recently started a witching ‘hour’ which coincides with DHs weekday ‘shift’ with her while I have a nap.

Since he is back at work and needs to leave early I tend to sleep 8pm-12am and then do the night shift (12am - 6am) as she sleeps relatively well but nosily. However she has started to cry for the sake of crying every night between 8-11. During this time she will only settle if I cuddle or sing to her, she will also not be put down during this time.

For the past week I’ve been reducing my sleep time to support, as I know it’s stressful for DH to be sat with a screaming baby for 3-4 hours straight, I also know he has a tendency to overfeed during this time as he can misinterpret her hungry cues.

I currently have a stinking cold and am tempted to go back to my 8-12 sleep and just leave DH to deal with DD, as I’m knackered, but is that super unreasonable when I know she will be distressed and I can ‘fix’ it in minutes whereas DH will be struggling for hours?

I just can’t see any other way to get ‘solid’ rest, DH can’t do the 12-6 due to work and tbh she isn’t bad overnight, with my 4 hours ‘nap’ and the few hours I get between 12-6 I usually am quite well rested, but now with her 8-11 screaming sessions I feel so guilty even considering going back to sleeping while she is upset.

WIBU, is this what most parents do in this situation? As mentioned she is our first so I have no idea what’s normal.

I haven’t read all 500 replies.

Babies don’t cry for the sake of it. If you are her primary carer and she’s crying for you which you seem to be saying either cuddle with her or leave her with DH to be distressed. Your call.

how are you getting 0 sleep? You’ve said she generally sleeps well 12-6?

Your baby is crying for a reason, you just don't understand what it is yet. I had a baby who was very unsettled, similar to how you describe. I had him checked out various times and the health visitors and GP all said he was fine. Looking back he almost certainly has silent reflux. He is eight now and still has symptoms of it, has been telling us about it since he was able to talk.

Also, as others have said, no way would I do tummy time in the evening. It used to wind up both my children horribly, they’d scream blue murder.

In truth, they never did much of it - at least not on the floor - plenty on my lap, being held etc and we’re just fine.

*are not we’re

My DS is 9 months next week. I cluster fed, fed to sleep, tried dummies, you name it. Babies NEED their mother at 4 weeks. I know its hard. I understand that. You just have to get used to barely sleeping for a month or 3! My DH couldn't do 'shifts' with me as DS was breastfed for 4.5 months (every 3 to 4 hours, night and day!) You just suck it up and sleep wherever, whenever you can. They grow out of it. Eventually. DS now sleeps 4 to 6 hours at night before needing a feed, and sleeps 12 hours a night and 2x 1.5 hour naps (give or take). If he's had a bad night due to teething or illness etc, I nap with him during the day.

Newborns don't understand that mama will come back when they're gone out of their sight. You just need to be there. Bubba will learn to sleep quieter at some point. You'll learn to sleep through their noisy sleep at some point. I have never not woken up to DS cry, until this week. First time I slept deeply in 9 months, and slept though his cry for a night feed. Every child is different, but hun, your new born just needs you around. You are currently their entire world. I would expect someone to tell me this......you became a mum. You need to remember that you're doing great (even though you don't hear it enough) and because you're a mum, your needs now become second to a dear, tiny, amazing life who now completely and utterly depends on YOU. Not DH just yet......YOU.

There are a lot of critical comments on here so please don't take them to heart - in fact I would ignore a lot of them!!

I remember being 4 weeks pp and needing all the help I could get after a painful/traumatic birth. Get DH to shadow you for a few nights and give him a "masterclass" of settling DD.

You are doing all the right things and I hope the negative and horrible comments don't affect you too much

Let’s just agree not everyone is the same. The mother is not doing anything wrong here. Neither were you and neither was I when I had my newborn. People work differently, babies are different, some are good sleepers/feeders and some aren’t. But, let’s not judge other mothers - plenty will do that for us, and judging by the comments here we’ve all been on the receiving end of it. You’d think we’d know better to not judge.

We had this for a few weeks and there's no way I could've left OH to deal with it as I would've hated they for myself. We took it in shifts of whatever we were capable of, checking in with each other after 20-30 minutes. If baby was near settled we didn't swap, but if one person was getting stressed the other was there to take over.

I think you will have to change your own routine. And unfortunately you will need to learn to sleep through babies noises.

Things we tried that worked sometimes; using a hot water bottle to heat the bed before putting baby down, baby massage before bed, giving a teddy, noise (either a lullaby or white noise).

It won't last forever and you will come out the other side!

I feel like all the posters saying OP should sacrifice her sleep really don't seem to get how dangerous being sleep deprived with a baby is...

Babies die every year from sleep deprived parents falling asleep with baby on them. No baby is gonna die from crying with another caregiver for a few hours.

OP - you absolutely need to leave baby with their Dad to get some sleep. Both for your health and also the baby's safety. Please don't listen to posters who say you should sacrifice your sleep - doing that does put the baby in danger

Look into Safe 7 and get her into bed with you you’ll both be more rested

Seriously you never considered all of this before having a baby..4 weeks old and your complaining your losing a bit of sleep. Sorry but baby should come before everything especially newborn. I find it utterly selfish that your both wanting your sleep when you should be focused on keeping your baby happy when she's not feeling good or grouchy and count yourself lucky we have 3 babies, hubby works full time and still manages to help in the night etc its what you do as a parent soldier on regardless of what sleep you get or don't get. And tbh if your stressed about all that baby will sense your not fully with her and be more upset anyways.

I remember that sleep deprived stage, when nothing seems like a solution. If she was bf, she would be with you cluster feeding during that time, it seems that she needs you anyway. You're right that you can't exist on no sleep, so what else can change? If something your DH has to do is boring and a bit shit, well, that's life, no-one said that being a parent of a newborn is fun. But if she actually needs you, and it sounds like she does, what else can you do? Dealing with sleep deprivation is part of having a newborn too, so your DH may have to take part of the night shift. He leaves for work at 6am--what time is he home? Can he take over before the bit where she gets stressed and you can sleep then? Is there anyone else who can help at a time of day when she is less distressed? Honestly, this phase will only likely last about 4 weeks, but you need to do something that works for your baby first and foremost and you second right now

For pp saying the baby sleeps well 12-6 - this is relative compared to the previous 3 hours. OP said she wakes for a feed every 2 hours in this time and is awake for at least 30 minutes each time.

And the baby does not just settle with OP in the witching hours either - she has to be constantly walked up and down. So all this just co sleep stuff is irrelevant.

It is exhausting and relentless. And the OP is worried about falling asleep holding her baby, which is a much bigger risk than being sad with dad for a few hours as a one off.

This!!!!!!!!!!

Four minutes. You are not going to pretend that your children never cried for FOUR MINUTES! Get out of here with your sanctimonious drivel.

You're an idiot. Sit down.

I think without even realising it you're valuing his work above yours. HE is going to work and therefore HE must sleep. It will pass but you either need to change something or ride it out. Could you alternate nights? If she's sleeping noisily she might be windy - I used to sit mine up and rotate them at the waist.

Yes colic is no "apparent" reason but just because it's not apparent doesn't mean it's not there.
We never did shifts, I was feeding them so we were both with the babies all the time and DH would settle and change after feeds.
You seem to think there is no other way to split it but if it's not working then try something else. Hang in there- it will get better.

I havent been able to get this post out of my head all day and I had to sign up today just to answer this post because I cannot believe some of the replies you’re getting. You’d think you were asking if it was unreasonable to leave your newborn locked in a room by herself to cry for hours on end, but you’re not. You’re asking if it’s reasonable to let your husband, your child’s father, parent his own child for 4 goddamn hours in the entire day while you get some much needed sleep. Of course that’s not unreasonable!

i do agree with people saying that a baby that young doesn’t cry for no reason, but the reason could well be ‘I’m not being held the way I’m used to and I don’t like it’, and the solution to that is not for you to bear the load 100% yourself, but to allow your husband and daughter to get used to each other by spending time together. Soothing a baby is a skill, and while it may come more easily to some than to others, every parent masters it eventually. Your husband will eventually find what works for him!

if he continues to struggle, I would urge you both to talk to your doctor/nurse/midwife/health visitor etc to put you in touch with a sleep specialist or the like who may be able to give you both some tips & tricks to help soothe your baby. Keep pushing for whatever support you can get because you don’t have to do this alone.

I really don’t know how anyone could argue with this

@LadyJ2023

urgh martyr alert

Soothing a baby is a skill, and while it may come more easily to some than to others, every parent masters it eventually. Your husband will eventually find what works for him!
I agree with this. I think initially I thought OP was BU as her baby calmed down with her, so the answer was “screaming for mum”. But she’s bottle fed so it’s not “screaming for milk and milk = mum”. It’s “screaming for the person who soothes me vs the man who puts the TV on and does tummy time in the evening”. Which is not DH’s fault, babies don’t come with a manual: DP once arrived home early so half an hour prior to then six week old DD’s colic o’clock – and she really was colicky, not CMPA or reflux or anything else – and picked her up to play, wave a toy in her face, and show her a video on his phone all at once, at 5pm. The screaming started early that night…

That said, if my baby were screaming and I could soothe her, I would. It’s normal to be tired at four weeks, normal to almost fall asleep with your baby and worry about it, normal to be initially disturbed by all the grunty newborn hedgehog sleep. Not everyone can sleep when the baby sleeps - mine slept on me in the day - but most can rest while the baby kicks its feet on the playmat and gurgles in the Moses basket, ask a friend over to give a bottle while you have a catnap, swap shifts with DH so he takes the baby early in the morning instead of at its screamiest moment.

I reckon it sounds like wind or reflux too (not keen on dummy or car seat). They do go through non-sleeping / crying alot bouts tho.

Tips:

1. burping
2. check with BF advisers for latch, tongue-tie, etc. problems
3. keep moses basket in your room and let her sleep on you / DH when she wants, then put her in moses basket when can & get shifts of shut-eye (sleep).
4. singing, soothing, movement helps (slow swinging, Dad takes her out in car, etc. eventually tyke would bounce for hrs in the early mornings in his Jumperoo, which gave me a brwather).

They just like being held at this point - it does get easier.

Also 4th trimester: basic biology & Maslow's hierarchy of needs - not bollocks.

Colic: actually a thing, health pros who think a baby is crying for no reason prob don't have children.

@LuckySantangelo35 @Sirikit @Lockheart the OP said the baby sleeps OK throughout the night.

@Janch13

did she?! Where?
I do recall she said baby was so loud when sleeping that it’s hard to sleep when baby sleeps

as she sleeps relatively well but nosily.

Here ⬆️

Broken sleep and sleep deprivation is part & parcel of having a newborn baby. More people suffer than don’t! (and yes I have done it and expect to be doing it again in a few months!)

And witching hour as well. Everything with babies is transient, it’s just a case of getting through it.

Dont stress OP, it gets easier. Your baby is still so little.