To leave 4 week old to cry

[Toastmostwoast]

With their dad!?

I'm honestly not sure what other parents do in this situation so want to know whether IWBU.

First baby is 4 weeks old, has recently started a witching ‘hour’ which coincides with DHs weekday ‘shift’ with her while I have a nap.

Since he is back at work and needs to leave early I tend to sleep 8pm-12am and then do the night shift (12am - 6am) as she sleeps relatively well but nosily. However she has started to cry for the sake of crying every night between 8-11. During this time she will only settle if I cuddle or sing to her, she will also not be put down during this time.

For the past week I’ve been reducing my sleep time to support, as I know it’s stressful for DH to be sat with a screaming baby for 3-4 hours straight, I also know he has a tendency to overfeed during this time as he can misinterpret her hungry cues.

I currently have a stinking cold and am tempted to go back to my 8-12 sleep and just leave DH to deal with DD, as I’m knackered, but is that super unreasonable when I know she will be distressed and I can ‘fix’ it in minutes whereas DH will be struggling for hours?

I just can’t see any other way to get ‘solid’ rest, DH can’t do the 12-6 due to work and tbh she isn’t bad overnight, with my 4 hours ‘nap’ and the few hours I get between 12-6 I usually am quite well rested, but now with her 8-11 screaming sessions I feel so guilty even considering going back to sleeping while she is upset.

WIBU, is this what most parents do in this situation? As mentioned she is our first so I have no idea what’s normal.

I had the same with my 3rd baby, we called her Beelzebub as the crying was so awful! Even when she was being held! There was absolutely nothing wrong with her, she just seemed to work herself up into a tizzy and not be able to get herself out of it. (And when I say nothing was wrong with her, I mean that. Allergies/reflux/tongue ties/illness etc all ruled out. And she had a dummy as well) She cried from 6pm -9pm from 8 weeks old to 11 months. It was soul destroying. Occasionally I could settle her, but by the time she was 9 months her dad was better at settling her than me.

Look up PURPLE CRYING. You might find some answers. It certainly helped to describe what was going on with my dd,
shes 14 months now and hasn’t cried at night for 3 months. So hang on in there!
Thus too shall pass!

At 4 weeks I think you just have to adapt to the baby, however much it doesn’t fit with what’s convenient for you. It might feel impossible now, but within a few weeks it will change again, and hopefully for the better.

You say that she sleeps well between 12-6 so that’s when you need to be sleeping if the 8-12 isnt working anymore and that’s still a good 6 hours sleep which is more than enough. Plus she will nap throughout the day as well so again that’s when you can be napping. Unfortunately this is the joys of parenthood and some days you will manage only on 2-3 hours sleep but we do it because it is our job as parents but it does get easier.

I thought the exact same thing.

@Lay110 we had the same thing and called her Beezlebubby!

The histrionics on both sides of this debate are really unhelpful.

Being responsive does not make you a martyr mum.

Leaving your baby in the care of someone you trust in order to prioritise your own health does not make you a bad mum.

As I said upthread, I do think that OP is being a touch unrealistic and needs to lower her expectations slightly. Unless you are lucky, sleep deprivation is par for the course when you have a baby, but there are some things she can do to help herself.

For example...

No evening tummy time.

If baby is crying 8-12 he is probably shattered. He needs to either go to bed or nap at some point during this time. If downstairs with Dad, lights should be low and if TV on, sound low or muted (subtitles are your friend). My baby is almost a year and can only just go 4 hours between sleeps without a full on meltdown. If OP and Dad want to stick to this shift approach then they need to agree an approach that works for where the baby is at developmentally (I say this because awake times and evening tummy time don't seem appropriate at 4 weeks).

If mum is struggling to sleep while baby is sleeping noisily (which they all do) try white noise to drown out the sound. It's probably gas, which is normal at 4 weeks as their digestive systems are still very immature, but winding, tummy massage and infacol during the day helped DS somewhat until he grew out of it.

Also, it’s so obvious that it shouldn’t need to be said. But a lot of people on here don’t seem to get it - just because YOU don’t know why a baby is crying, doesn’t mean there’s no reason. And it doesn’t mean that a baby is “crying for the sake of crying”.

I personally found doing shorter feeds more frequently helped more with reflux more than anything.

Holding baby upright for a little while is helpful, but 30 mins after each feed is an unreasonable expectation on both yourself and baby.

Baby falling asleep after a feed when they’re tiny is natural, and them getting used to sleeping by themselves again happens naturally, no need to force it at 4 weeks old and then wonder why they’re crying uncontrollably.

Colic isn’t baby’s crying for no reason. Fairly sure it’s to do with their tummy’s. But it does sound like colic.

It all sounds very normal behaviour for her age, and she may well be hungry as 4 weeks is a big growth spurt stage. Your husband needs to find a way to try and console her, similarly to how you do. You need your rest especially if you're feeling rubbish with a cold, but if your instincts are saying go to her then do. Is there anyone who can come round in the daytime so you can have a nap?

This breaks my heart. It’s so selfish. Cuddle your baby and comfort it when it needs you. You are it’s mother!! You are obviously what the baby wants and needs at 4 weeks old. You said baby sleeps during the night so why don’t you just sleep then?!! This is beyond madness for me, to leave a baby crying for hours. I couldn’t do it for 2 minutes never mind 3-4 hours. It’s absurd!

@DM1720

Behave yourself! needing to sleep isn’t selfish!

This sounds very like my youngest who had silent reflux. They were worse in the evenings and nights (when my dh was at work), would guzzle milk trying to ease the burn down the oesophagus etc. We used heavy formula, but because that can cause constipation we also used colic drops because they loosened the stools.

I actually think a lot of babies who have colic, actually have silent reflux. Because it is silent, you dont see them puking frequently and so assume it cant be reflux. Reflux as an adult is very painful, and for a tiny baby to be dealing with that pain is awful to think of

That's really unfair comment to make to a new Mum! I'm totally against sleep training and leaving to cry, but this is a brand new Mum who is not feeling well and is exhausted. She's not talking about leaving the baby alone to cry, she is leaving it with it's Father. He needs to find ways to comfort the baby, it shouldn't all be on her especially when unwell. This happens so often and in the long run it's not good for the Mother at all. This was what to me and by 4 weeks I was so exhausted I was falling asleep with the baby in my arms which is obviously dangerous. She has said she doesn't get much sleep at the moment after 12am so it's not working for them, she needs rest to get over her cold quicker or she will end up getting more sick and then where will they be?

That's really unfair comment to make to a new Mum! I'm totally against sleep training and leaving to cry, but this is a brand new Mum who is not feeling well and is exhausted. She's not talking about leaving the baby alone to cry, she is leaving it with it's Father. He needs to find ways to comfort the baby, it shouldn't all be on her especially when unwell. This happens so often and in the long run it's not good for the Mother at all. This was what to me and by 4 weeks I was so exhausted I was falling asleep with the baby in my arms which is obviously dangerous. She has said she doesn't get much sleep at the moment after 12am so it's not working for them, she needs rest to get over her cold quicker or she will end up getting more sick and then where will they be?

If you follow that logic then the baby boomers (babies of the 1950s) would have a huge mental health epidemic. They were generally left outside in a pram for hours and certainly weren’t constantly soothed by their mothers.

Babies aren’t able to feel ‘abandoned’ - you’re projecting a very adult emotion into a tiny child’s brain.

Baby falling asleep after a feed when they’re tiny is natural, and them getting used to sleeping by themselves again happens naturally

Not if you read all the threads on here about 9-month-olds who still don’t sleep through the night…

You don’t think baby boomers have issues? 😂😂

I find it quite crass that you equate a crying baby being looked after by its dad as ‘childhood trauma’ to be honest.

Do you realise what actual childhood trauma is?

*What do you think has caused the MH epidemic?
You're aware that childhood trauma is a huge cause of later issues in adulthood right?

You get the link...no?

It's generally well accepted.*

Quite frankly young people now who are suffering with mental health problems are the most “soothed” generation in history. And it’s pretty appalling to be be equating being soothed by a father instead of a mother with childhood trauma.

Not to the same extent Millennials and gen Z do.

I literally created an account just so I could comment on your thread.
YABU
This is mainly because the stress of a crying “colicky” baby is more stressful for the parents than the baby and the parents need moral support at that time.
My second born was like this and it pushed me into PND. The sleep deprivation aggravated this of course. You’re not being unreasonable to want sleep but you are being unreasonable to expect unbroken sleep at this stage in your life.
If she is sleeping 12-6 albeit noisily. whatever that means, is this not a manageable amount? There is no way I could leave my newborn hysterical even if she was with her dad.
I do think you need to readjust your expectations. As a new mum you are mostly expected to get by on whatever sleep you can get. We all need sleep but you can survive on broken sleep and you will get through this.

Also, the 4th trimester is absolutely a thing. Please don’t dismiss biology.

I’m sorry about what you went through but you’ve contradicted yourself after pretty much every paragraph.

You say it’s more stressful to the parents than harm for the baby. The mother is stressed so why shouldn’t be allowed a bit of sleep? She’s said she can’t sleep when the baby sleeps as they’re too noisy and as it’s too young to sleep in another room - why can’t she catch up on a few hours and be better rested so she can cope?

She’s said the baby is also hysterical when it’s with her - the dad may feel the same, what’s he supposed to do?

Ive not seen anywhere where she feels she should get unbroken sleep. As a fellow PND sufferer, I wish I had taken more time to look after myself, and therefore enjoy my baby. It was months and months before I felt I could love them. I was on a punishing schedule of breastfeeding, pumping, bottle feeding (had barely any supply and lots of support with lactation consultants, la leche, etc). I was lucky and after 10w mine slept a constant 8hrs at night but I was advised to pump every 2/3hrs at night to boost supply. It nearly broke me. There is a reason sleep deprivation is used in torture.

We all want what’s best for our babies and we try so hard, but sometimes what’s best is knowing ourselves and our babies and knowing when to give yourself a break so you can be the best parent you can. What’s right for one isn’t for another.

She’s 4 weeks old, she needs to be held and cuddled as much as possible. She’s not crying for no reason. Your first thought at this age shouldn’t be “how can I stop her crying”. If she’s crying she’s hungry, tired, cold, in pain or too hot. Please don’t just try and shut her up.

100% agree.