To leave 4 week old to cry

[Toastmostwoast]

With their dad!?

I'm honestly not sure what other parents do in this situation so want to know whether IWBU.

First baby is 4 weeks old, has recently started a witching ‘hour’ which coincides with DHs weekday ‘shift’ with her while I have a nap.

Since he is back at work and needs to leave early I tend to sleep 8pm-12am and then do the night shift (12am - 6am) as she sleeps relatively well but nosily. However she has started to cry for the sake of crying every night between 8-11. During this time she will only settle if I cuddle or sing to her, she will also not be put down during this time.

For the past week I’ve been reducing my sleep time to support, as I know it’s stressful for DH to be sat with a screaming baby for 3-4 hours straight, I also know he has a tendency to overfeed during this time as he can misinterpret her hungry cues.

I currently have a stinking cold and am tempted to go back to my 8-12 sleep and just leave DH to deal with DD, as I’m knackered, but is that super unreasonable when I know she will be distressed and I can ‘fix’ it in minutes whereas DH will be struggling for hours?

I just can’t see any other way to get ‘solid’ rest, DH can’t do the 12-6 due to work and tbh she isn’t bad overnight, with my 4 hours ‘nap’ and the few hours I get between 12-6 I usually am quite well rested, but now with her 8-11 screaming sessions I feel so guilty even considering going back to sleeping while she is upset.

WIBU, is this what most parents do in this situation? As mentioned she is our first so I have no idea what’s normal.

I’ve read your whole first post now. My questions would be.

What do you mean when you say, he is over feeding. Is he actually able to settle her but it’s not in the way you would?

Are you able to sleep midnight to 6am without her waking? If so this is very lucky.

What is your goal or ideal scenario here? Perhaps then we can understand better and see if your expectations are in line with the needs of a four week old. for example are you hoping she won’t feed and will sleep without being held during your DH’s stint. But will settle in this period if he gives a feed or two and holds her.

Give husband one of your worn , UNWASHED tops , he can put it on if your the same size or put it between baby and his top…
It comforts baby and tricks baby into thinking he is you

BTW
4 week olds dont cry for the sake of crying as you have said in your OP
It could be colic

I'd also suggest ear plugs from 12pm-6am. You will still hear her when she cries properly. I think one of the unmentioned benefits of breastfeeding is that the hormones make you really sleepy so you can co-sleep and then fall asleep as soon as the baby falls asleep (or even when they are still feeding). It must be much harder to fall asleep with disrupted sleep without that hormonal help. However, if you are managing to sleep with ear plugs whilst she is screaming then hopefully adding them in at night will help you sleep more. Is it possible to move the cot further from your bed so the noise disturbs you less?

Hey op, my baby is exactly the same age as yours so we're in the thick of it with you.

Just like you, I used to put my toddler to bed then sleep 3 hours whilst DH did the last nap of the day. I haven't managed my nap in about a week now because ds has been unsettled and just wanted me (though I'm breastfeeding so I thought it had to do with that too). I can't listen to the screaming so I just go to him even though DH would stay calm and comfort for those 3 hours. DS finally settled in DH's arms yesterday but we had guests round so I couldn't nap😅
I'm shattered too so I'm with you. It's tough. I wouldn't personally leave him to scream with DH but I also understand why you need sleep.

Any chance you can get DD to settle to sleep then gently pass her to your DH? White noise helps. My DH stands in the kitchen and rocks DS with the cooker fan on.

@Janch13

considering that adults are recommended to have 8 hours - yes, she bloody does!!

Hi - sorry haven’t read all replies but I read some. My baby used to be fussy for several hours between about 7-11 or so, and this only lasted for a short period of time (like a couple of weeks). Please don’t assume you won’t sleep for months, I know the feeling intensely but everything they go through is a stage and it won’t last forever. My baby had no underlying problems, just hadn’t worked out sleep just yet. She is now a great sleeper and has been since about 11 weeks old, hopefully your one is just going through a bit of a funny period. I would have your partner look after them for a couple of nights and see, there is no point you going without sleep whilst ill if it means you’re not going to function the next day when you’re in charge. If in a couple of days it’s no better, you can reassess. But it won’t be this way forever, or even very long fingers crossed!

You aren't unreasonable at all because she's with her other parent who is just as capable as you are. They will both learn together and she will settle eventually.

You have needs too.

@letthemalldoone

”Are you feeling ok in yourself?”

how can she be ffs when she’s sleep deprived and in need of her husband to do his share?!

Like others I've not read all replies, so someone else may have said this..
Mine was nowhere near this bad as she was a very quiet sleeper (sometimes too quiet!) But she did have a brief period where she would scream even when held, but at one point - I think when one of us was desperate for the loo! We actually found she seemed to prefer laying down lol. I was also lucky in that it tended to vary which of us she preferred on any given night.
The main thing I was going to say though is that when nothing else worked we normally found it best to lay her down on her side, so that we could rhythmically pat her bottom (quite a firm pat, it supposedly mimics a heartbeat). I'd normally have to sing a certain song or make sh noises at the same time. My DH could then swap in with me easily and continue the patting if I needed sleep, although eventually he was able to do this too. Turning her on to her back again was sometimes tricky, she would stir if you tried to soon or weren't slow enough, but even sitting like this for an hour (occasionally more!) was preferable to the screams. I think part of her problem was actually over tiredness, so it really was making her go to sleep that was needed.
Good luck, hopefully some suggestions have worked for you, I know I read a lot of different things before finding something that worked.

Jesus some people would start a fight in an empty room 🙄

OF COURSE she's sleep-deprived - everyone who has ever had a baby has been fucking sleep-deprived ffs! It's crap at the time, but we all survive it pretty much!!

I was merely wondering whether there's anything else going on, possibly PND? And whether the OP has bonded with her baby (because I'm not sure that's the case).

I don't see anywhere the OP's husband has objected to doing his share - they need to figure out what that is yet, in terms of what works best.

OMG!!

Pernicious bullshit. Bedsharing is NEVER safe. And maternal mental health is undermined by sleep deprivation.

Oh my goodness, quick, get back where you belong, women! Barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. It's biology.

It may be an unpopular opinion. But I’m of the position that at 4 weeks - baby gets what baby wants/needs. So if thats you - then so be it. Perhaps you could look at safe co-sleeping?

It can be really rough - I have 4 children and completely understand. I just couldn’t hear my 4 week old needing me and refuse to go to them. Even if they are with their dad.

I’m not sure if there’s a more better alternative to Infacol - but Infacol really helped when I’ve through this.

When men start giving birth I’ll change my opinion. (And I mean actual men, not trans men)

If your 4-week old baby is sleeping from 12-6am, you’re living the dream. Newborns are hard work, sleepless nights are part of it. I don’t think getting six hours sleep counts as martyring yourself / endangering your own health.

Go to the doctor, find out if your baby has any intolerances/allergies or is being overfed, and once you’ve established that one way or another, stop trying to micro-manage, schedule and analyse everything, work out a way to sleep through the grunts - ie white noise - get her taking a dummy and be with her when she needs you.

Spot on

Quick, get that bigotry in while the thread is hot!

My DH ended up watching the Muppet Show with mine. Apparently it worked 😂. Maybe he can try bathing or playing with a toy or similar rather than feeling a need to give cuddles? If you have any breast milk, I would put some on a muslin so your DH can smell like you (or put your soap on or rub on your skin if not). Your baby needs to learn you are not the only caregiver - it could be crying because DH is just not you. It's a special bond that they won't have with anyone else ever.

And in case that wasn’t clear - forget about the ‘nap’ and go to bed at midnight when she sleeps best. You might find that as you’re comforting her in the evening, she calms down and sleeps even better.

Has your dh tried putting her in a sling/wrap close to him and dancing/swaying to reasonably loud music ? I managed to stop someone else's colicky baby from crying like that...

Can he pop her in the sling and go for a walk with her snug in his coat?

YTMD

Mis leading title… he’s equally her parent. Leave them to it. You interfering won’t help. Do yourself a favour and sleep, and never become default parent.