To leave 4 week old to cry

[Toastmostwoast]

With their dad!?

I'm honestly not sure what other parents do in this situation so want to know whether IWBU.

First baby is 4 weeks old, has recently started a witching ‘hour’ which coincides with DHs weekday ‘shift’ with her while I have a nap.

Since he is back at work and needs to leave early I tend to sleep 8pm-12am and then do the night shift (12am - 6am) as she sleeps relatively well but nosily. However she has started to cry for the sake of crying every night between 8-11. During this time she will only settle if I cuddle or sing to her, she will also not be put down during this time.

For the past week I’ve been reducing my sleep time to support, as I know it’s stressful for DH to be sat with a screaming baby for 3-4 hours straight, I also know he has a tendency to overfeed during this time as he can misinterpret her hungry cues.

I currently have a stinking cold and am tempted to go back to my 8-12 sleep and just leave DH to deal with DD, as I’m knackered, but is that super unreasonable when I know she will be distressed and I can ‘fix’ it in minutes whereas DH will be struggling for hours?

I just can’t see any other way to get ‘solid’ rest, DH can’t do the 12-6 due to work and tbh she isn’t bad overnight, with my 4 hours ‘nap’ and the few hours I get between 12-6 I usually am quite well rested, but now with her 8-11 screaming sessions I feel so guilty even considering going back to sleeping while she is upset.

WIBU, is this what most parents do in this situation? As mentioned she is our first so I have no idea what’s normal.

PS tummy time should only be done when baby has napped, has been fed and is happy

It is completely exhausting and overwhelming, but will pass. You have to keep changing your schedule to fit with their needs. Maybe change your nap to a time when she isn’t crying for you?

I don't think 4 WEEK old baby needs tummy time.

@Fruby
how is that an option though when baby probably wants mum all day and alll night?

This. And them dozing on your chest or in the sling is tummy time; it all helps develop their muscles. Definitely no tummy time during the witching hour.

I agree with pp who said about babies being done in by evening and unable to cope with being kept up in the sitting room with tv etc: that was DD from day one. I got lucky with DS who’s a bit sleepier so I got some evenings, but now at six weeks it’s really clear he has HAD IT by 6pm: no lights, no TV, no big sister yapping. He doesn’t sleep immediately, he clusterfeeds all evening, but he only wants to do that in a dark, quiet room. Babies are people too and most of us prefer bed in a dark, quiet, calm and cosy room, not in the sitting room with a Scandi murder drama blaring away. Yes, it’s boring to spend several hours in the dark with a baby: but babies often are boring! Also, kindle with a backlight and doomscrolling Mumsnet are tolerated by most babies.

why are you up all night with her when you say she sleeps well at night?

Lloyd Grossman pasta sauce used to be £1.25 a jar now £3!!

😂sorry wrong thread

I think at that age babies need their mothers more frequently than every 4 hrs. If you were BFing you'd have to do this way more frequently, that you're not doesn't change that comfort need. Can you check in more frequently? Cosleep? Find another way so you get rest and babys needs met?

I think colic describes a range of symptoms not the reason. Babies cry for a reason. Saying colicky baby is lazy. Wouldn't you rather work out what the problem is and solve it so your baby doesn't cry? My baby had CMPA for example, cut dairy and much happier baby. Or I could have just said colicky baby and had months of her writhing and crying in pain digesting milk.

I agree with the dark room people. Before I had DC I thought I’d be feeding all night in front of the tv, talking to visitors etc. but at around 4/5 weeks I suddenly copped that the baby was exhausted and over stimulated and I started bringing him up to bed at 8. He napped and fed and I read and dozed. On the plus side , after a while he would sleep properly from then and voila I had a routine by accident! Bath, feed, bed. You’re at a very tough stage, it’ll work out

Ah OP many thanks for the flashback. The inconsolable evening screamathon! Our approach was the time-honoured new parent strategy of spending money we didn’t really have on things that might or might not work.

Slightly different issue as DS was exclusively BF for twenty minutes per breast every two and a half hours, but the outcome was the same; he wanted me 24 hours a day. Got to the point if DS even heard me speak in another room he’d go milk tonto/ we briefly pondered rubber breasts for DH …

As soon as he arrived I became (and still am) a very light sleeper and woke at every grunt and pleep. I had to abandon the Moses basket because it creaked all night and we bought DS a co-sleeper cot. That didn’t de-intensify the feeding schedule though and I was also losing my reason after months of never getting more than an hour of sleep at a time so DH had to do what yours is doing now. Mine used to dance DS about in his dressing gown to the Four Tops when I went for the pre-nightshift snooze but obviously three hours of electric slide after ten hours at work is quite an ask.

We bought one of these -
www.boots.com/joie-serina-2-in-1-forever-flowers-10260194?cm_mmc=bmm-buk-google-ppc--PLAs_HeroCompare--Baby_Nursery-_-UK_Smart_Shopping_Baby_Nursery&gbraid=0AAAAADrIajXdiU4dfhFgvKtP1M-dlu-NF&gclid=Cj0KCQiA6fafBhC1ARIsAIJjL8nVHVYQpqqJzvhTp0Nc2fpgZjUSb87PS0KRBoOh9RpKEbFAcV8gmDsaAhvREALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds

This was a while back so isn’t the one we had but if it swings sideways, rather than just rocks, mimicking the natural arm movement you make to settle a crying baby, it might be worth a shout. Ours also had a setting where it would change the motions now and again, mimicking being held. It didn’t work every night, and didn’t work for long, but it did help a bit.

We LOLd at the description of ‘dummy hate-suck.’ DS was outraged by dummies. We actually only tried them at 8 weeks, at the suggestion of a (impressively militant) Californian HV who had previously told me dummies were lazy and guaranteed me they’d interfere with our BFing. She changed her mind when she saw my notebook containing our deranged feeding schedule 🤣 Did you already try different styles? We bought several packets before he found one he liked - the big old fashioned brown rubbery ones, he wouldn’t entertain orthodontic or cherry shapes. The other thing I’d suggest is try to introduce the dummy when LO is calm and amenable.

Don’t worry, this will stop quite soon, and you’ll be thinking aw I’m so glad that’s over/why don’t we do it all again 😇

So what you did was teach your baby that there's no point in crying because no one's coming because no one cares.

I don't think your friends were 'making life hard for themselves' 🤣
They were probably responsive parents that didn't want to cause trauma to their children.
I'm not suggesting I would drive a baby round in a car etc but ignoring a baby cry is just cruel.

Ever hear people say 'crazy how many people of our generation have MH problems' and how many people are living on ADs etc, how strange that it links to when the 'ignore your kids feelings and let them 'cry it out' was in fashion 😔

Why are people having children that they don't want to care for??

Incorrect assumption. I had mine 24/7 with no support whatsoever. Colic, reflux, milk allergy and slept so badly for years we ended up in paediatric sleep clinic.

Its not being unsympathetic to suggest changing your own sleep schedule around that of the baby.

The OP said the baby mostly sleeps on her 12-6 shift - a 6 hour block of sleep is not nothing. If the cry-a-thon is 8-11 its also not unreasonable to suggest she naps 6-8 then splits the 3 hours of hell with dad.

Guarantee if it was the other way round and a mum was being left with screaming baby for 3 hours everyone would be shouting and roaring that dad should be sharing the rough spell. It’s called being a team. Also frankly don’t see how anyone in the house is sleeping through the “screeching” OP describes in any case. Babies are hard, sleep is in short supply. Those are facts.

Agree.

The more comments I read from the OP the more disgusted I feel!

Sadly I've been involved in this situation (in a work capacity) where a mother died a few hours after birth and the trauma is unimaginable.

Why anyone would put their baby through the feeling of abandonment by choice for some extra sleep I cannot imagine.

OP- you do realise at such a young age your baby doesn't understand that when you're not around you will come back!?!
So they literally feel abandoned every time.
No wonder she's crying for hours.

I am, didn’t think me falling asleep holding them would be considered putting them first, which very nearly happened this morning, hence the post.

Leaving baby to cry for hours so you can get extra sleep is NOT putting them first.
Have you even tried taking baby to bed with you?
Lay skin to skin if needed to help sooth them.
Sounds like there may be attachment issues.
I know there's a lot of scaremongering around co-sleeping but there are ways to do it safely.
And actually it can help reduce the risk of SIDs.

Sorry I haven’t read the whole thread so it may have been suggested already but try white noise phone app x

If you’ve ever had a baby with reflux then you’ll know that keeping them upright for a good while after a feed is the only way to keep them settled and stop them throwing the whole lot up.

Also, I’m my experience keeping them awake for a little while after a feed reduces the risk of them needing to be fed to sleep later on. It’s a good habit to get into.

Get your husband to wear your dressing gown, or something that smells of you, try white noise and a dummy as others have suggested.
Could be trapped wind so make sure the baby is double burped. Or an allergy.
It will get easier, but they are so so young and really do need you for now. Doesn't feel like it at the time, and no sleep is absolutely brutal, but everything is a phase.

I thought it only reduced the risk of SIDS if you are breastfeeding and co sleeping. OP is formula feeding I think.

Pretty sure today’s MH problems have NOT been caused by being left to soothe themselves as a baby 🙄

100% this!!

Now I think of it the last time I cried wasn't because I had a dirty arse either.
It seems it's quite inconvenient to some parents that their babies aren't robots.

Waves - I had super noisy sleeping babies and still very noisy breathing kids. It was hell sharing a room with them for a year. I realised with dc 2 I could wear earplugs and still hear the noisy sleeping baby but not react to every twitch and grunt.

*@Tiddler39
*
Pretty sure today’s MH problems have NOT been caused by being left to soothe themselves as a baby 🙄

What do you think has caused the MH epidemic?
You're aware that childhood trauma is a huge cause of later issues in adulthood right?
You get the link...no?
It's generally well accepted.

We're hardly talking about a baby 'soothing themselves' here based on how the OP describes the crying for hours and hours every night.
Even though it's held by the father, clearly the baby feels abandoned not 'soothed'!

Have you considered tongue tie? Posterior tongue tie? Most GPs and HVs and MWs will miss these but a trained tongue tie practitioner will be able to spot.
Look out for cupped tongue it the frenulum is not noticeably tied.
Personally if you can comfort baby better than DH, I'd do it. Babies stress levels (measured by checking cortisol levels) are raised in periods of distress (as I imagine yours are too) and it's not optimally healthy for anyone, particularly a baby whose brain is developing.
As long as you get 4-5 broken hours of sleep across one 24 hour period you should be able to survive (although perhaps don't drive if you are feeling not fully alert!)