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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave 4 week old to cry

572 replies

Toastmostwoast · 23/02/2023 16:18

With their dad!?

I'm honestly not sure what other parents do in this situation so want to know whether IWBU.

First baby is 4 weeks old, has recently started a witching ‘hour’ which coincides with DHs weekday ‘shift’ with her while I have a nap.

Since he is back at work and needs to leave early I tend to sleep 8pm-12am and then do the night shift (12am - 6am) as she sleeps relatively well but nosily. However she has started to cry for the sake of crying every night between 8-11. During this time she will only settle if I cuddle or sing to her, she will also not be put down during this time.

For the past week I’ve been reducing my sleep time to support, as I know it’s stressful for DH to be sat with a screaming baby for 3-4 hours straight, I also know he has a tendency to overfeed during this time as he can misinterpret her hungry cues.

I currently have a stinking cold and am tempted to go back to my 8-12 sleep and just leave DH to deal with DD, as I’m knackered, but is that super unreasonable when I know she will be distressed and I can ‘fix’ it in minutes whereas DH will be struggling for hours?

I just can’t see any other way to get ‘solid’ rest, DH can’t do the 12-6 due to work and tbh she isn’t bad overnight, with my 4 hours ‘nap’ and the few hours I get between 12-6 I usually am quite well rested, but now with her 8-11 screaming sessions I feel so guilty even considering going back to sleeping while she is upset.

WIBU, is this what most parents do in this situation? As mentioned she is our first so I have no idea what’s normal.

OP posts:
Botw1 · 23/02/2023 16:23

Yanbu.

They both need to learn that he is as capable as you.

BertieBotts · 23/02/2023 16:23

I wouldn't really count that as leaving her to cry, she is with your DH.

I would try it for a couple of days and see how he gets on. He might be able to find something that does the trick. I don't think it's really fair to let him deal with the screaming if he can't find a way to soothe her indefinitely, though, especially if she will settle for you - in that situation, could you look at adjusting the timings of your "shifts"?

She is not crying for the sake of crying, she's communicating a need, being held can be a need for newborn babies (or not-newborn babies)

Nocutenamesleft · 23/02/2023 16:24

I wouldn’t leave her to cry. She’s only 4 weeks old. She needs comfort and whatever it is that you give her.

PaulRuddDoesntAge · 23/02/2023 16:26

A four week old baby doesn’t cry for the sake of crying.

Botw1 · 23/02/2023 16:26

@Nocutenamesleft

Did you read the thread?

She is being comforted

Original poster
Toastmostwoast · 23/02/2023 16:26

BertieBotts · 23/02/2023 16:23

I wouldn't really count that as leaving her to cry, she is with your DH.

I would try it for a couple of days and see how he gets on. He might be able to find something that does the trick. I don't think it's really fair to let him deal with the screaming if he can't find a way to soothe her indefinitely, though, especially if she will settle for you - in that situation, could you look at adjusting the timings of your "shifts"?

She is not crying for the sake of crying, she's communicating a need, being held can be a need for newborn babies (or not-newborn babies)

Sometimes she will still cry for me, even when being held, it’s just not as blood curdling! thats what I mean by for the sake of it, her nappy has been changed, she has been fed, she isn’t over tired, is being held but still grizzly with me, or shrieking as if someone has cut her foot off with DH.

OP posts:
Derbee · 23/02/2023 16:27

Totally unreasonable. Tiny babies need their mothers. That’s just how it is, biologically. Dad can help a lot, but NOT when she’s crying and needs you.

Merryoldgoat · 23/02/2023 16:27

That’s not leaving her to cry - she has a parent looking after her - crying whilst being looked after is different from being shut in a room crying alone.

However I have genuinely not known a baby to cry like that without an underlying reason - it’s almost always been silent reflux in my group of friends.

My second cried a lot and we discovered he was lactose intolerant.

Crying obviously is normal but not due hours non-stop.

Nocutenamesleft · 23/02/2023 16:27

Botw1 · 23/02/2023 16:26

@Nocutenamesleft

Did you read the thread?

She is being comforted

But in the original thread she said

Should I leave her to cry for ages when I can go in and stop it within mins. Or something to that effect.

So yes she should go in and stop it if she can within a min. It's obviously what baby needs.

Original poster
Toastmostwoast · 23/02/2023 16:28

Derbee · 23/02/2023 16:27

Totally unreasonable. Tiny babies need their mothers. That’s just how it is, biologically. Dad can help a lot, but NOT when she’s crying and needs you.

But to what end, that’s what I’m trying to understand. Am I supposed to get 0 sleep for weeks? Months!? That’s simply not safe, I nearly fell asleep with her this morning as I’d had 45 mins of my ‘nap time’ and was up all night with her too.

OP posts:
closetparty · 23/02/2023 16:28

I absolutely could not do that, she wants her mum as she is only 4 weeks old.
Have your heard of the 4th trimester?
Me and plenty of other mums survived on 4 hours sleep or less during the newborn period, it is just the reality of having a baby. I am not sure how you could even sleep knowing she was screaming and you could solve it?

Original poster
Toastmostwoast · 23/02/2023 16:29

Nocutenamesleft · 23/02/2023 16:27

But in the original thread she said

Should I leave her to cry for ages when I can go in and stop it within mins. Or something to that effect.

So yes she should go in and stop it if she can within a min. It's obviously what baby needs.

Show quote history

The second I leave it starts again

that’s the issue

She has to be held, so I can stop the crying in minutes, but it means I then am awake holding her for hours

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 23/02/2023 16:31

You have to sleep op. That's the bottom line.

Lockheart · 23/02/2023 16:31

YANBU and you need sleep. Don't martyr yourself when there is another parent taking perfectly adequate care of the child.

Merryoldgoat · 23/02/2023 16:31

I know she will be distressed and I can ‘fix’ it in minutes whereas DH will be struggling for hours?

I missed this.

Hmmmm. I’m a bit torn here but DH could usually do as well as me at soothing ours.

Is she really crying solidly all that time?

Fluffygreenslippers · 23/02/2023 16:31

could you alternate nights?

I’m sorry. Having a newborn is hellish. My baby is only eight months so I remember it well. The first 12 weeks are the absolute worst.

Merryoldgoat · 23/02/2023 16:31

@Toastmostwoast You say she needs to be held - is your husband not holding her?

Nocutenamesleft · 23/02/2023 16:31

Merryoldgoat · 23/02/2023 16:31

I know she will be distressed and I can ‘fix’ it in minutes whereas DH will be struggling for hours?

I missed this.

Hmmmm. I’m a bit torn here but DH could usually do as well as me at soothing ours.

Is she really crying solidly all that time?

Thank you! That's the bit I was trying to say.

FlounderingFruitcake · 23/02/2023 16:33

Of course it’s fine, baby is being looked after by a loving parent! You’re needs don’t cease to exist because you’ve become a mother and you need at least some sleep for basic survival.

As a side note though have you tried a dummy?

Idontknownemore · 23/02/2023 16:33

Please google the fourth trimester, your baby needs you. I know what you’re saying re. Sleep but no one is saying it’s going to be easy, it’s knackering, you’ll never feel a knackered like it but right now that tiny soul you created needs you.

You say she’s a good sleeper, this is brilliant, take those noisy sleeps as much as you can, I never had a good sleeper and we all survived (3 babies later), it passes, I promise, but please don’t leave her to cry, she needs her mama.

Nocutenamesleft · 23/02/2023 16:34

@Toastmostwoast a 4 week old baby doesn't cry for the sake of crying

There is always a problem. Too hot. Too cold. Reflux. Hunger

The list goes on.

Original poster
Toastmostwoast · 23/02/2023 16:35

PaulRuddDoesntAge · 23/02/2023 16:26

A four week old baby doesn’t cry for the sake of crying.

Tell babycentre that 😅

“Sometimes babies cry for no apparent reason. This is normal, and it will pass”

Even ‘colic’ is proof of this, a ‘condition’ where babies cry a lot and there is no medical reason for it so they’ve made up something to call it!

“Colic is when a baby is crying a lot and it's not clear why. It's a common problem that should get better on its own.”

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 23/02/2023 16:36

No ‘apparent’ reason is not the same as mo reason.

Derbee · 23/02/2023 16:36

Toastmostwoast · 23/02/2023 16:28

But to what end, that’s what I’m trying to understand. Am I supposed to get 0 sleep for weeks? Months!? That’s simply not safe, I nearly fell asleep with her this morning as I’d had 45 mins of my ‘nap time’ and was up all night with her too.

Show quote history

Tou get very little sleep with a newborn. It’s a fact of life. I’m not suggesting NO sleep. But if 8-12 is no longer working for your baby, I’d be changing something.

I have a 10 month old, so I do remember the newborn stage. It’s rough. But the most important thing is meeting all of your babies needs in the 4th trimester

Original poster
Toastmostwoast · 23/02/2023 16:37

Nocutenamesleft · 23/02/2023 16:34

@Toastmostwoast a 4 week old baby doesn't cry for the sake of crying

There is always a problem. Too hot. Too cold. Reflux. Hunger

The list goes on.

Ever heard of Colic? Literally a name for babies crying for no reason!

”Colic is when a baby is crying a lot and it's not clear why. It's a common problem that should get better on its own.”

As I’ve said, during these times everything is checked, she still just cries until I hold her, or sing Beyoncé to her! (Maybe I shouldn’t have got her hooked on queen B)

OP posts: