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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave 4 week old to cry

572 replies

Toastmostwoast · 23/02/2023 16:18

With their dad!?

I'm honestly not sure what other parents do in this situation so want to know whether IWBU.

First baby is 4 weeks old, has recently started a witching ‘hour’ which coincides with DHs weekday ‘shift’ with her while I have a nap.

Since he is back at work and needs to leave early I tend to sleep 8pm-12am and then do the night shift (12am - 6am) as she sleeps relatively well but nosily. However she has started to cry for the sake of crying every night between 8-11. During this time she will only settle if I cuddle or sing to her, she will also not be put down during this time.

For the past week I’ve been reducing my sleep time to support, as I know it’s stressful for DH to be sat with a screaming baby for 3-4 hours straight, I also know he has a tendency to overfeed during this time as he can misinterpret her hungry cues.

I currently have a stinking cold and am tempted to go back to my 8-12 sleep and just leave DH to deal with DD, as I’m knackered, but is that super unreasonable when I know she will be distressed and I can ‘fix’ it in minutes whereas DH will be struggling for hours?

I just can’t see any other way to get ‘solid’ rest, DH can’t do the 12-6 due to work and tbh she isn’t bad overnight, with my 4 hours ‘nap’ and the few hours I get between 12-6 I usually am quite well rested, but now with her 8-11 screaming sessions I feel so guilty even considering going back to sleeping while she is upset.

WIBU, is this what most parents do in this situation? As mentioned she is our first so I have no idea what’s normal.

OP posts:
Hatscats · 23/02/2023 17:17

There is usually a reason for colic - wind due to allergies or tongue tie etc. could be over stimulated by lights etc.
Personally I’d look at reasons for the crying and baby wear/cuddle/feed through it.

OnceTwiceThreeTimesATheybe · 23/02/2023 17:19

Purple crying op. Worth a Google.

Sarain · 23/02/2023 17:19

Have him take her out so at least you can't hear it. A walk snuggled up in a carrier will do her a world of good and she will likely sleep. Then she can have a feed when she gets back and a bit of awake time with him. White noise, motion etc are his friend here. He can work this out. He needs to get on the googler and try some things out. DH used to run a bath and get in with our newborns on his chest as it kept them happy.

Original poster
Toastmostwoast · 23/02/2023 17:21

Ruibies · 23/02/2023 17:15

We did shifts like you are. Can you adjust your timings so you switch with dad at 4.30 or 5am rather than 6? Often ours needed a feed around that time so it was a natural switching point - I'd feed then I'd go to bed in our room and DH would come and sleep in with the baby til he had to get up for work. It depends on what time your DH is going to work though, as mine didn't have to start til 8.30 when wfh so I got a good few hours in.

Mine had the same witching hours and most of the time I did go and comfort, but he grew out of it before 12 weeks and was much happier settling with DH after then.

Ah we don’t swap at 6, he goes to work at 6, so that’s when my ‘day shift’ starts.

it’s reassuring so many saying it ends, so if there is a light at the end of the tunnel hopefully that will keep me going! Just feels so relentless atm

OP posts:
Mariposista · 23/02/2023 17:22

PaulRuddDoesntAge · 23/02/2023 16:26

A four week old baby doesn’t cry for the sake of crying.

Absolutely this. What a cruel way to talk about a tiny baby.

Hatscats · 23/02/2023 17:22

Ok just seen you bottle feed - are you pace feeding? Sounds like she’s guzzling down a lot of liquid which is going to make her uncomfortable - mine was the same with an oversupply/fast let down. They get windy and unhappy.

shard5 · 23/02/2023 17:22

I remember this with dd2!
It was 11pm until 3am for a good few weeks until I figured at 7 weeks the poor doll was dairy intolerant.
If it's not that, have you tried the hoover as white noise?
Your oh might be able to settle her if she's distracted by white noise.
I still have a recording of dd crying that we took for the gp, it's a few seconds long but you could clearly hear the agony she was in and infacol is what was recommended to me which didn't make a jott of difference.

catandcoffee · 23/02/2023 17:23

Have you tried her with water....could she be thirsty ?

Original poster
Toastmostwoast · 23/02/2023 17:23

Sep200024 · 23/02/2023 17:12

I’m not even sure how you would sleep if baby is crying that much in the same house?

I would never have been able to drop off in those circumstances, regardless of how tired I was.

Ear plugs Blush

OP posts:
Hatscats · 23/02/2023 17:23

Oh god please don’t feed a new born water - this is really really bad advice 😳

twoandcooplease · 23/02/2023 17:24

Op colic is not the name for crying for no reason

This is your first baby so you may not realise that they aren't born with instincts to settle with dad. She clearly needs her mum
NEEDS her mum, not wants. I think you are being unreasonable

Sep200024 · 23/02/2023 17:24

Toastmostwoast · 23/02/2023 17:14

Not going to say you’re thick, but the word ‘noisily’ is quite self explanatory imo.

Would love to sleep through it but the grunts, wheezes, whistles, grizzles etc. aren’t easy to sleep though. Plus she is fed every 3 hours, takes 30 mins to feed, is then held upright for 30 mins, so that leaves 2 hours at a time to sleep regardless. Add in the nappy changes, soothing when she no doubt wakes up for a little grizzle half way through and it leads to little to no sleep during this period.

Show quote history

I get this, totally.

But if you can’t sleep through that, then how are you going to sleep through the real screaming 8pm-midnight??

YukoandHiro · 23/02/2023 17:25

The only question is will you actually sleep during that time? I tried this and also really needed the rest but the truth is I couldn't sleep when we were separated so just had to go through the hell of exhaustion for a few months.

JenniferBarkley · 23/02/2023 17:25

Op colic is not the name for crying for no reason

Well, it's the name for crying with no obvious cause. It's a term that drives me bananas, as health professionals write off a baby who is crying excessively as "just colic" rather than trying to help parents find the cause.

Colic is often interpreted to be wind, but it isn't. Wind is, well, wind.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/colic/

Maria1982 · 23/02/2023 17:26

Toastmostwoast · 23/02/2023 16:44

She cries when DH holds her, will stop 80% of the time if I hold her, but even when she doesn’t stop crying for me she will be less screaming more general cry.

We have been monitoring her decibel levels during this period, and for DH he gets dangerous levels of noise but for me if she doesn’t stop completely it’s a much lower level of crying.

My issue is it’s all well and good for me to be able to sooth her, but it means I am getting next to no sleep currently which is leading to dangerous situations around nearly falling asleep with her in the day. Last week was easier as I wasn’t unwell, but atm I just don’t know what gives. I’ve not spoken to one parent who got 0 sleep during this phase, so wanted to post here as it might be the mum friends I have aren’t representative and this is normal and people just get no sleep and deal with it (in which case I’ll manage, but am hoping I’m missing a trick somewhere!)

Show quote history

You say you want to ask others so you can see if it’s normal and it if it you will manage…
but really it doesn’t matter what others have done ! Everyone is different. If you need sleep you need sleep.

I had a similar dilemma with my baby when he was taking hours to feed, and some people said to me ‘oh it’s normal’. Well it turns out he has a tongue tie and after we got it fixed he didn’t take 2.5 hours to feed anymore ! So the helpful comments from ppl weren’t really helpful.

Original poster
Toastmostwoast · 23/02/2023 17:26

Hatscats · 23/02/2023 17:22

Ok just seen you bottle feed - are you pace feeding? Sounds like she’s guzzling down a lot of liquid which is going to make her uncomfortable - mine was the same with an oversupply/fast let down. They get windy and unhappy.

Yeah we pace feed every oz, she takes 30-45 mins to feed so is eating at a reasonable pace and doesn’t guzzle (she did in her first week but since the pacing has started to regulate herself, but still takes a lot)

OP posts:
TheSnowQueen · 23/02/2023 17:26

Both of mine just wanted to be in bed in the evenings from quite young. I would try safe co-sleeping for your evening nap

Original poster
Toastmostwoast · 23/02/2023 17:27

Sep200024 · 23/02/2023 17:24

I get this, totally.

But if you can’t sleep through that, then how are you going to sleep through the real screaming 8pm-midnight??

Show quote history

Ear plugs!

OP posts:
Reluctantadult · 23/02/2023 17:28

I know you've had loads of advice, I haven't rtft just your posts op. You asked what other do in these situations. The answer is I didn't get 4hrs sleep block unfortunately. More like 1.5hrs. It really sounds like your baby needs you. Hopefully that won't last forever.

DieselBlue89 · 23/02/2023 17:29

The witching hour (or hours!) are real. With our first my DH used to dance, jig, pace the house every evening.

With our second, we realised if we put hem to bed around 7.30pm, even if they were a bit unsettled and didnt sleep (at first), the bedtime routine, calm dark environment really settled them.

I think it is a thing that babies are utterly exhausted and overstimulated by the end of the day. It's a long day for them (even with naps), their immature digestive systend spend the day digesting the bulk of their milk. Its not surprising they're uncomfortable, tired and grumpy. A lot of people (I'm not saying this is true in your case) keep the baby in the living room with the TV on until around 10pm or whenever they go to bed. This is probably due to safe sleep recommendations (in our case I went to bed at 7.30pm with the baby as I was exhausted).

I do wonder if, in your case, you being completely absent might add further stress, but I can totally see why you'd want the sleep.

Original poster
Toastmostwoast · 23/02/2023 17:30

twoandcooplease · 23/02/2023 17:24

Op colic is not the name for crying for no reason

This is your first baby so you may not realise that they aren't born with instincts to settle with dad. She clearly needs her mum
NEEDS her mum, not wants. I think you are being unreasonable

It kind of is, my HV compared it to SIDS, or the handful of adult exhaustion conditions which are just a catch all for someone suffering for no clear reason so they’ve given it a name as a catch all.

If you google colic the definition is literally - Colic is when a baby is crying a lot and it's not clear why. It's a common problem that should get better on its own.

OP posts:
Sacmagique75 · 23/02/2023 17:30

You’ve had a ton of replies on here already and I’ve not read them all. Some quite mean! You’ve decided to post on an anonymous forum so things must be getting towards breaking point. I hear you. I’ve had two babies, the first exactly as you described. As a FTM I just assumed all babies were like this, the witching hour for me was 5pm-midnight every night for some time. My partner worked long hours and it was a very very difficult and lonely time. Second baby did not have the witching hours. I couldn’t believe it. It also then dawned on me that someone with a baby like my second (who was by no means an easy baby but without those hellish 7 hours every single night for weeks -or was it months?- on end was a doddle by comparison) simply CANNOT FATHOM WHAT IT IS LIKE TO HAVE A BABY THAT CRIES LIKE THIS! It is torture like no other. (Until they turn three but that’s a whole other thread)

OP I’ll tell you what I wish someone had told me - you’re doing great. You’ve just been unlucky. It really won’t last forever. Babies dad is there providing comfort so go get your sleep. Boy I wish I’d had that option!

JenniferBarkley · 23/02/2023 17:31

Reluctantadult · 23/02/2023 17:28

I know you've had loads of advice, I haven't rtft just your posts op. You asked what other do in these situations. The answer is I didn't get 4hrs sleep block unfortunately. More like 1.5hrs. It really sounds like your baby needs you. Hopefully that won't last forever.

Yup, unfortunately.

Like I said above, it sounds like your baby needs you at that time of day. Even when they get older they go through periods of settling better for one parent than the other - my DH is currently having a run of dream bedtimes with our toddler but she bites and pinches me (and is completely lovely with me the rest of the time). You just have to roll with it and make sure the unfavoured parent is doing plenty of the work at other times of the day!

Have you answered why your DH can't take the lead on the later shift? He might be tired going to work but he'll just have to suck it up (as so many women do once they are back at work, babies don't magically sleep through by the end of mat leave).

Original poster
Toastmostwoast · 23/02/2023 17:32

DieselBlue89 · 23/02/2023 17:29

The witching hour (or hours!) are real. With our first my DH used to dance, jig, pace the house every evening.

With our second, we realised if we put hem to bed around 7.30pm, even if they were a bit unsettled and didnt sleep (at first), the bedtime routine, calm dark environment really settled them.

I think it is a thing that babies are utterly exhausted and overstimulated by the end of the day. It's a long day for them (even with naps), their immature digestive systend spend the day digesting the bulk of their milk. Its not surprising they're uncomfortable, tired and grumpy. A lot of people (I'm not saying this is true in your case) keep the baby in the living room with the TV on until around 10pm or whenever they go to bed. This is probably due to safe sleep recommendations (in our case I went to bed at 7.30pm with the baby as I was exhausted).

I do wonder if, in your case, you being completely absent might add further stress, but I can totally see why you'd want the sleep.

Thank you for this, some of these replies have me feeling like I’m crazy!

There are loads of references to newborn witching hours but so many saying it’s not a thing had be doubting it!

I am going to see if DH can drop her evening tummy time for a day or two and see if that helps and not watch anything on TV, but then again that’s also shit sitting with a baby on you for 4 hours and staring at the wall!

OP posts:
Original poster
Toastmostwoast · 23/02/2023 17:35

JenniferBarkley · 23/02/2023 17:31

Yup, unfortunately.

Like I said above, it sounds like your baby needs you at that time of day. Even when they get older they go through periods of settling better for one parent than the other - my DH is currently having a run of dream bedtimes with our toddler but she bites and pinches me (and is completely lovely with me the rest of the time). You just have to roll with it and make sure the unfavoured parent is doing plenty of the work at other times of the day!

Have you answered why your DH can't take the lead on the later shift? He might be tired going to work but he'll just have to suck it up (as so many women do once they are back at work, babies don't magically sleep through by the end of mat leave).

Show quote history

His job doesn’t really lend itself to being safe to do whilst sleep deprived (think along the lines of air traffic control)

OP posts: