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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave 4 week old to cry

572 replies

Toastmostwoast · 23/02/2023 16:18

With their dad!?

I'm honestly not sure what other parents do in this situation so want to know whether IWBU.

First baby is 4 weeks old, has recently started a witching ‘hour’ which coincides with DHs weekday ‘shift’ with her while I have a nap.

Since he is back at work and needs to leave early I tend to sleep 8pm-12am and then do the night shift (12am - 6am) as she sleeps relatively well but nosily. However she has started to cry for the sake of crying every night between 8-11. During this time she will only settle if I cuddle or sing to her, she will also not be put down during this time.

For the past week I’ve been reducing my sleep time to support, as I know it’s stressful for DH to be sat with a screaming baby for 3-4 hours straight, I also know he has a tendency to overfeed during this time as he can misinterpret her hungry cues.

I currently have a stinking cold and am tempted to go back to my 8-12 sleep and just leave DH to deal with DD, as I’m knackered, but is that super unreasonable when I know she will be distressed and I can ‘fix’ it in minutes whereas DH will be struggling for hours?

I just can’t see any other way to get ‘solid’ rest, DH can’t do the 12-6 due to work and tbh she isn’t bad overnight, with my 4 hours ‘nap’ and the few hours I get between 12-6 I usually am quite well rested, but now with her 8-11 screaming sessions I feel so guilty even considering going back to sleeping while she is upset.

WIBU, is this what most parents do in this situation? As mentioned she is our first so I have no idea what’s normal.

OP posts:
Nocutenamesleft · 23/02/2023 16:49

FredLovesBread · 23/02/2023 16:39

With newborn DC1, we had blissful evenings binge watching Netflix while he slept on me... Newborn DC2 spent every evening crying for a couple hours Sad but my DH found great success bouncing her on the exercise ball with the hair dryer running, so I'm sure if he's resourceful, he'll work something out! Does he sing? Maybe put her in a carrier and go out for an hour for some fresh air? If you're always doing the comforting because you're "better at it", then I think dads don't get a chance to work things out for themselves and can get complacent and end up leaving more and more to you!

It doesn't last forever! It gets better, I promise! Halo

Ha. My second daughter cried 20 hours a day!!! It was absolute hell on earth

She turned out to be intolerant to cows milk but trying to work that out was months and we did the hoover. Hairdryer and crisps packet tricks. 😂

BertieBotts · 23/02/2023 16:49

Merryoldgoat · 23/02/2023 16:48

If you are both holding/soothing etc and she’s still crying then a) YANBU to leave her with her father and b) You need to investigate why she’s so unhappy at this time.

I had some terrible sleepers but got SOME sleep even early on.

Agree, BUT if OP is ill then she should prioritise rest, not investigations!

They can look into causes and try different things out in a few days when she is feeling better.

AnnaTortoiseshell · 23/02/2023 16:50

Thedogscollar · 23/02/2023 16:47

Jesus christ do not do this it's dangerous for the baby risks of suffocation or falling from sofa.
You mention your husband can overfeeding her at this time. If this is the case and she is a colicky baby this will only make it worse for baby.
Colic is a real thing btw and very painful. What is babycentre that you refer to? It doesn't sound like a UK based organisation.

Show quote history

Not if DH is supervising! We did this when nothing else worked.

ShirleyPhallus · 23/02/2023 16:50

BertieBotts · 23/02/2023 16:45

Tell him to google 5 Ss - it's a good checklist of things to try to settle a fraught baby.

I agree with this

Plus also a sling is a godsend for the dads i know who have been in this position

Merryoldgoat · 23/02/2023 16:50

@BertieBotts

of course - I meant that point more generally.

Greensleeves · 23/02/2023 16:51

AnnaTortoiseshell · 23/02/2023 16:49

Oh another idea is letting baby sleep on you while you sleep and DH supervises. We did that sometimes with my eldest. It was actually very lovely, in amongst the horror and misery of it all.

This is what we did when DS1 went through an "only Mummy will do" phase. I slept on my back on the sofa with him on my tummy, and DH stayed in the same room watching TV/reading/tidying up, making sure I didn't roll over and squash him. Got us through a rough patch.

Original poster
Toastmostwoast · 23/02/2023 16:51

Merryoldgoat · 23/02/2023 16:48

If you are both holding/soothing etc and she’s still crying then a) YANBU to leave her with her father and b) You need to investigate why she’s so unhappy at this time.

I had some terrible sleepers but got SOME sleep even early on.

She has been checked out and there is nothing medically causing it, seems to just be a ‘wants mum’ situation which I get, but also not sure how to manage this with also needing to get more than 45 mins of sleep a day.

OP posts:
Onnabugeisha · 23/02/2023 16:51

Astralitzia · 23/02/2023 16:37

The fourth trimester is bollocks designed to absolve men of any responsibilities during the hardest time and to guilt the mother into doing all of the drudge work so by the time she starts to recover from birth the bulk of childcare rests firmly on her shoulders and not her partners.

👏👏 omg, YES!
I’m usually the first to say this and then I get lectured on pseudo biology about mystical mum and baby bonds.

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 23/02/2023 16:53

Yanbu but at the same time this system doesn't seem very fair to her dad who has to deal with her when she's at her worst every night whilst you're getting a relatively good night sleep once she's through her witching hour(s) 😬

I think you should take it in turns so you deal with it one night and he does the next.

Original poster
Toastmostwoast · 23/02/2023 16:53

fruitpastille · 23/02/2023 16:38

All my babies were unsettled in the evening in the first few weeks and would cluster feed a lot. It was hard. I spent the evening on the sofa feeding until around 10-11 then either took them up to bed with me or left them sleeping in a moses basket in the living room with DH on the sofa (he would bring them up the next time they woke to feed). I think it's really common. If I was really struggling, dh would take them out for a good walk in the pram or even a drive to give me a rest. Could yours do this? By around 12 weeks the evening feeding time reduced and they started to go to sleep at a more standard bedtime. Personally I wouldn't leave them crying at this age if I knew I could settle them. Will she take a dummy? Some babies really like to suck for comfort.

We are trying to get her to take a dummy, as I think it could help.

Currently she refuses them or ‘hate sucks’ so will angrily suck on it for about 10 seconds before getting upset by the presence of the dummy itself.

Before she was born I’d been very anti dummy and never thought I’d be begging her to take one but here I am!

OP posts:
Ihavekids · 23/02/2023 16:54

My 2nd did this.

I played each night by ear. Some nights I was so exhausted that baby just had to cry with Dad while I got a bit of rest, some days I took her if crying got too intense. When I say I took her I mean I was lying down on my side in bed, with no covets and he would tuck her in so she could latch and comfort nurse, while I dozed or read Mt kindle.

Don't fall asleep on sofa with her, at least if you're safely lying in bed it's more relaxing for both.

Stopped like magic at 11 weeks.

Definitely OK for baby to cry with Daddy if you need a break. He's a parent too. Definitely not ok for baby to cry alone.

Best of luck.

Onnabugeisha · 23/02/2023 16:54

YANBU OP and you need to make a clean break and not keep popping out of bed to help DH. The only exception is if he’s at breaking point and asks you for a bit of help on a rare occasion.

Baby needs to get used to having Dad hold him and care for him a few hours a day. What works for you will likely not work for Dad. So Dad is going to have to figure out how it’s going to work for him and baby.

Nocutenamesleft · 23/02/2023 16:54

Sling is a good one

Warm bath for colic. Stop over feeding her etc. dummies.

However a sling is a god send during these times. Mum and dad can do that too!

Merryoldgoat · 23/02/2023 16:54

Mine was checked out repeatedly. As we’re as a minimum of three of my friends’ babies. All fine.

Mine had lactose intolerance

Two of the other three had silent reflux which was ignored by doctors for months and diagnosed if A&E

The other had CMPA. Again, ‘just colic’ for ages.

I don’t know of a single baby who cries for hours on end when attended to who hasn’t got an underlying discomfort of some kind.

Onnabugeisha · 23/02/2023 16:55

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 23/02/2023 16:53

Yanbu but at the same time this system doesn't seem very fair to her dad who has to deal with her when she's at her worst every night whilst you're getting a relatively good night sleep once she's through her witching hour(s) 😬

I think you should take it in turns so you deal with it one night and he does the next.

That would confuse the baby. They are bright enough to know routines.

Clymene · 23/02/2023 16:56

I thought you said she sleeps midnight to 6am?

then do the night shift (12am - 6am) as she sleeps relatively well but nosily.

Small babies wake up constantly. She's tiny and she wants the only person she's ever known. It doesn't last for more than about 6 weeks but I'd go with it.

What you're doing now isn't working.

Merryoldgoat · 23/02/2023 16:56

Onnabugeisha · 23/02/2023 16:55

That would confuse the baby. They are bright enough to know routines.

Show quote history

What? Honestly the amount of bollocks on here some days.

SquigglePigs · 23/02/2023 16:57

I just want to gently ask because you mention your DH "overfeeding" her if you leave her with him - are you 100% sure she isn't hungry? At that age my DD cluster fed for hours, usually a similar time slot - evening into the early hours of the morning, then she (and I!) slept.

Original poster
Toastmostwoast · 23/02/2023 16:57

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 23/02/2023 16:53

Yanbu but at the same time this system doesn't seem very fair to her dad who has to deal with her when she's at her worst every night whilst you're getting a relatively good night sleep once she's through her witching hour(s) 😬

I think you should take it in turns so you deal with it one night and he does the next.

I agree it’s unfair, but he doesn’t want to do the 12-6 due to work so in a way he has chosen his fate!

On the weekends it’s easier and I take more of the witching hour but in the week we need to figure something out.

I know/hope this will pass the whole needing to be held thing, but it’s hard to see the light when you’re in it. She won’t settle being held sat down either so it’s absolutely exhausting having to be stood up holding her the whole time (plus her legs now reach down to my c-section scar and she will kick it during this holding too!)

OP posts:
Nursemumma92 · 23/02/2023 17:00

I really feel for you @Toastmostwoast , my first was the same with her witching hours and my husband worked away from her being 2 weeks old. I did just have to deal with the no sleep but it was not fun and I felt totally desperate like you.
I've just had my second and she is the same but I'm a bit more used to functioning with no sleep. One tip I got told this time round was that it's often overstimulation that can cause them to cry like this. Taking her into a dark room, playing white noise and holding her skin to skin on the bed really helped.
Unsure if your DH has done anything like this but it might be worth a try.

Really hope you can get some more sleep soon, but having been through this bit twice I can say that it will pass, the witching hour does settle. It just seems like an eternity when you are in it! ❤️

Original poster
Toastmostwoast · 23/02/2023 17:01

SquigglePigs · 23/02/2023 16:57

I just want to gently ask because you mention your DH "overfeeding" her if you leave her with him - are you 100% sure she isn't hungry? At that age my DD cluster fed for hours, usually a similar time slot - evening into the early hours of the morning, then she (and I!) slept.

See I am 90% sure she isn’t, as she will settle when I hold her, so surely if it was hunger she’d not settle? But this is my first baby, so if it doesn’t work like that it could be hunger, although she does feed until she rejects the bottle.

she also does feed a lot, to the point her HV was shocked when she found out how much formula she takes on an average day (she typically eats 1.2L of formula a day, which is 1/3 of her total body weight Blush)

OP posts:
Wait2see2 · 23/02/2023 17:01

Could she have silent reflux? My DD had this and it was awful she would not be put down at all but would happily sleep upright on my. Dr prescribed Ranitidine and it worked straight away.

Merryoldgoat · 23/02/2023 17:02

Wait2see2 · 23/02/2023 17:01

Could she have silent reflux? My DD had this and it was awful she would not be put down at all but would happily sleep upright on my. Dr prescribed Ranitidine and it worked straight away.

Personally I’d put money on this.

Iwantyourmidnights · 23/02/2023 17:03

This is what we do too. Sometimes if I'm really knackered, DH will take him back down again after the first feed so I can have a bit longer without trying to sleep with Darth Vader next to me. Would you and your DH be up for trying something similar OP?

Original poster
Toastmostwoast · 23/02/2023 17:03

Nursemumma92 · 23/02/2023 17:00

I really feel for you @Toastmostwoast , my first was the same with her witching hours and my husband worked away from her being 2 weeks old. I did just have to deal with the no sleep but it was not fun and I felt totally desperate like you.
I've just had my second and she is the same but I'm a bit more used to functioning with no sleep. One tip I got told this time round was that it's often overstimulation that can cause them to cry like this. Taking her into a dark room, playing white noise and holding her skin to skin on the bed really helped.
Unsure if your DH has done anything like this but it might be worth a try.

Really hope you can get some more sleep soon, but having been through this bit twice I can say that it will pass, the witching hour does settle. It just seems like an eternity when you are in it! ❤️

Thank you for this, overstimulation is a possibility, as I’m not able to get on the floor atm (still recovering from c section and not quite at the point of getting down and up off the floor yet) DH tries to fit in her tummy time sessions during the evening, might see if not doing this for a few days works, although then she isn’t getting tummy time - gah!

OP posts: