To leave 4 week old to cry

[Toastmostwoast]

With their dad!?

I'm honestly not sure what other parents do in this situation so want to know whether IWBU.

First baby is 4 weeks old, has recently started a witching ‘hour’ which coincides with DHs weekday ‘shift’ with her while I have a nap.

Since he is back at work and needs to leave early I tend to sleep 8pm-12am and then do the night shift (12am - 6am) as she sleeps relatively well but nosily. However she has started to cry for the sake of crying every night between 8-11. During this time she will only settle if I cuddle or sing to her, she will also not be put down during this time.

For the past week I’ve been reducing my sleep time to support, as I know it’s stressful for DH to be sat with a screaming baby for 3-4 hours straight, I also know he has a tendency to overfeed during this time as he can misinterpret her hungry cues.

I currently have a stinking cold and am tempted to go back to my 8-12 sleep and just leave DH to deal with DD, as I’m knackered, but is that super unreasonable when I know she will be distressed and I can ‘fix’ it in minutes whereas DH will be struggling for hours?

I just can’t see any other way to get ‘solid’ rest, DH can’t do the 12-6 due to work and tbh she isn’t bad overnight, with my 4 hours ‘nap’ and the few hours I get between 12-6 I usually am quite well rested, but now with her 8-11 screaming sessions I feel so guilty even considering going back to sleeping while she is upset.

WIBU, is this what most parents do in this situation? As mentioned she is our first so I have no idea what’s normal.

He can take her for a drive or walk while you sleep in an evening - she'll soon quieten down with the motion of either

Could it be this if she is ok being put down at other times?

if so will go back to the GP, she has already been checked out but I can push for a second opinion, but I didn’t think it would be reflux as she is fine being put down outside of this time period.

Your DH needs to take the 12-6 shift - parents go to work tired and on little sleep, it's just part of it.

And if she is having 1200ml of formula a day, she's probably got a sore belly come evening if the screaming has coincided with an increased intake!

DD used to cry for hours every evening. I used to pace up and down with her in the sling. I found an article about Purple Crying and it described DD to a tee. She got a bit better after her tongue tie was cut and loads better after 8 weeks.

Yes.

Btw, my baby with silent reflux was always unhappy lying down so I don't know that it will be that.

She does, not sure what difference her sleeping makes

It’s mine that’s the issue!

One of my children did not sleep through the night until she was 7 years old. Those years are just a blur to me now.

www.verywellfamily.com/silent-reflux-in-babies-5094807

Has he tried her in a sling? That sorted witching hour for us

She’s not being left to cry, she is being cared for by her other parent. And babies absolutely do cry for no reason. There is nothing unreasonable about continuing what you’re doing. It’ll all probably change in a week anyway, things change so fast when they’re so young.

My point is why can't you sleep then @Toastmostwoast?

But she won’t be getting 4hrs sleep will she if she’s constantly having to tend to the baby.

Just because you managed, doesn’t mean it the same for everyone.

OP, I agree, it’s dangerous to be solely in charge of a baby (which I imagine you are when your husband is at work). You baby is being held and cared for by their parent, and as you said they cry when you hold them too. If it’s constant, maybe ask your health team as it could be colic or reflux. But you are not being unreasonable leaving a baby to be held by a loving parent.

It hasn’t coincided, she has always taken a lot of formula, even from day one in the hospital, the MWs were shocked at how much she took even during our hospital stay!

She doesn’t have a hard tummy, isn’t sick or anything else that indicates she is uncomfortably full etc. and is fed on demand.

Am I being thick? If she sleeps 12-6, why aren't you sleeping then?

The answer is in the part you copied ‘she sleeps but noisily’

I’m not even sure how you would sleep if baby is crying that much in the same house?

I would never have been able to drop off in those circumstances, regardless of how tired I was.

That does seem like she probably isn't then. There's also a reasonably chance that some of DD's cluster feeding was "just" comfort sucking rather than actual feeding.

I sympathise with the dummy issue - DD managed all of about 20 seconds with a dummy!

I think it may be worth your DH trying some different things to settle her. The sling/walk suggestions sound good. With my DH when he was desperate to give me a break it was pacing up and down the longest room in the house singing to her. Generally one song that I will forever associate with DD's infancy!

It doesn't really work as a regular thing but a previous posters suggestion of you napping on the sofa with DD lay on you and your DH keeping an eye on you so you don't drop her/roll or something could work as an emergency measure. My Dad once sat up all night with me and DD when we were having the same issue - thinking about it DD would have been about 5 weeks old so very similar.

My baby was like this for the first 10 weeks or so.

No way I could leave her to cry with her Dad.

Can you try and nap when she naps during the day?

I don’t quite understand this routine you have, why are you napping 8-12pm?

Would it not make sense to nap during the day when your baby is settled?

I don’t think crying for hours can be considered a ‘witching hour’ as you describe it.

You have a tiny baby that is unsettled and uncomfortable for an extended period of time. A quick look on BabyCenter won’t necessarily give you the info you need.

As your are too unwell to settle her at the moment, you have no choice to leave your DH to it, but it could be worth thinking how you and your DH could do things differently.

It’s worth taking to your health visitor.

Not going to say you’re thick, but the word ‘noisily’ is quite self explanatory imo.

Would love to sleep through it but the grunts, wheezes, whistles, grizzles etc. aren’t easy to sleep though. Plus she is fed every 3 hours, takes 30 mins to feed, is then held upright for 30 mins, so that leaves 2 hours at a time to sleep regardless. Add in the nappy changes, soothing when she no doubt wakes up for a little grizzle half way through and it leads to little to no sleep during this period.

Agreed. It might be hard now but it won’t be forever. Give her the comfort she wants

We did shifts like you are. Can you adjust your timings so you switch with dad at 4.30 or 5am rather than 6? Often ours needed a feed around that time so it was a natural switching point - I'd feed then I'd go to bed in our room and DH would come and sleep in with the baby til he had to get up for work. It depends on what time your DH is going to work though, as mine didn't have to start til 8.30 when wfh so I got a good few hours in.

Mine had the same witching hours and most of the time I did go and comfort, but he grew out of it before 12 weeks and was much happier settling with DH after then.

I call it the witching hour as there are countless videos and blogs from other parents who describe the witching hour which can last hours and most of them also have it 8-10/12 ish, so thought it was a thing.

HV was the first one to say ‘sometimes babies just cry and it usually peaks at 6-8 weeks’ hence coming here to see what others do!