To end my relationship because my partner went on a boys trip and ended up with a prostiture in a hotel...

[Blackbirdsinginginthedeadofnight]

Long story short. I didn't want him to go on the trip as he was away not that long ago, he ignored me and went anyway.

On the first night there he got so drunk he went to a nightclub that he and his friends knew was a place where prostitutes go to meet men. He left the club with a girl and she took him to a hotel. Apparently, he was so drunk he couldn't get it up, and after an hour of her trying he fell asleep and she left. I found out because he tried to pay for the hotel with my bank card that he has in his wallet and I put two and two together.

After an hour or two of me trying to get hold of him to ask what was going on, at which time he blocked my calls, he then called me back and 'confessed' everything.

I confess that I have never had to witness him blind drunk so I can't get a sense of how he may have been but they had been drinking for around 8-9 hours by this point and had been awake for almost 24 hours. Not that it is an excuse but I just want to give a sense of what he may have been like. He claims it was the alcohol and he really didn't know what he was doing and feels utterly ashamed of his actions. He has promised to ditch his 'mates' who are all in their 50's but act like they're 'lads' when on these trips. And he swears he didn't have sex, which I don't believe as I think he is trying to be somewhat honest but is minimising so he's not out and out lying.

I love him very much and am heartbroken at what he has done and don't think I can get past it. It feels like a deal breaker to me but I just wanted other perspectives on it.

Will my life just be filled with distrust if I take him back or can it be gotten over? I've asked him to go to the sexual health clinic for his own safety as much as anyone's, which he has agreed to do. Things were really good in our relationship so there is no real reason he would have done this which makes it even worse in a way.

Please be kind - I'm really hurting right now and would just like some opinions from anyone who may have been through similar. Thanks

I’m so so sorry this has happened to you.

No one deserves to be treated like this.

You deserve better.

I think you are hoping someone will say forgive him and I think that is why you have posted. You love him but a relationship requires lots of ingredients, not just love.

Sorry, but if he loved you he would never have done this.

Paying a sex worker for sex is the lowest of all lows.

I don’t know any Woman who would be okay with that behaviour.

It will destroy you if you stay with him. There will be no trust or respect.

Not sure if you could be physical with him again either but I couldn’t.

Are you young or vulnerable in anyway? Has he done anything like this before? He sounds vile.

If he'd managed to get an erection then he would have gone all the way. It doesn't excuse him because he couldn't.
He'd be out the door if he was my partner.

I wouldn't touch him with tweezers after this. LTB.

That’s hideous. The prostitute was likely half his age

You are worth more than this. Lose him xx

It would be the end for me. For him being willing to cheat. For him being willing to use that prostituted womans body like a wank sock. For the fact that if I did take him back he could never go on another holiday without me worrying about what he was up to.

Didn’t know what he was doing my arse.

He knew enough to think to block you while he worked out what to say. You didn’t find out through any honesty on his part. If it were me I’d be thinking ‘why should I believe your spin on this?’ Trust would be broken for me.

Out he goes.
Speaking from bitter experience, I forgave my ex when it turned out he'd allegedly got blind drunk and ended up in the local brothel. He should have been out then but he had done a number on me in other ways too, my self-esteem was rock bottom and I really thought it was one off.
But no, it happened again and it turned out that it was a pattern of behaviour that had been going on since he was 18. We live in a place where brothels are legal. He saw nothing wrong in it. And it was also linked to alcohol - he'd get wasted with his workmates and they'd go on to a brothel.
So yeah, I got rid, but not before a lot of damage to my self-esteem had been done.

He will do it again. He may well have done it on other occasions, you just didn't find out. And it will happen again.

All the stuff about not being able to get it up and trying for an hour but nothing happened? WTF? Are you meant to think, oh that's ok then, he didn't do anything. The intention was there though.
And actually I don't believe him.
He wasn't that drunk - he managed to pick up a prostitute, go to a hotel with her, pay for the room with the card, go into the room etc.

Get rid

Absolute deal breaker.

Betrayed you.

Used another human being as an object to be manipulated - complete dehumanising misogyny.

Definitely a deal breaker for me. If he went to a strip club and just watched strippers I could get over something like that, but actually being on a bed with a prostitute touching him is just vile! And if he could have got it up then they would have had sex. Trust gone forever. So sorry 😞

Yuk.

Bet it wasn't the first time he's done it either, if this is what his charming group of 50-something mates are into.

What a load of creeps. I bet most of them have wives or girlfriends at home too. I'd send them all an email advising them to get and STI check if it was me.

More than likely the prostitute was very young - he is 58. A bit grim no?

Reverse it - and ask him to reverse it.

• you had taken a young man back to a room.
• Did not have full sex but "tried" for an hour.
• all the pals knew soany time you are out together etc they know
• you were willing to do that, keep the secret and have that bond with them without you.

No matter what happens now you have to grieve.

He destroyed your marriage as it was.
He destroyed your relationship as it was.
It no longer exits.
It is over.
You may decide to build a new with him.
You may decide to not.
But you need to know that you need time to grieve.
And all choice going forward is yours.

Ahh op I'm so sorry, you must be crushed, he is not the person you thought he was.
Only you know if you can get past this. I don't think I could personally, but no one can tell you what to do here.
Best of luck whatever you decide.

Hmmm, not sure on this one. I think I could forgive but only if I truly believed he was sorry and taking steps to ensure it won't every happen again. If it's genuinely down to being drunk he's got a bigger alcohol problem than he thinks.
Bounce this one back to him. His mess, he sorts it. Tell him it's over unless he can convince you otherwise. Don't get drawn into what you want him to do, he's not a 'naughty boy ' being told off by his missus, he's an adult who's actions have hurt another person and seriously damaged a relationship, maybe beyond repair. Make him own it. Tell him "You do what you think is right. I'll let you know when/if it's enough"....and take it from there.

58! And getting so pissed he's not in control so he accidentally goes and finds a prostitute and intends to have sex with her...but can't get it up.

Be strong now. Save yourself heartache later. I think any man his age doing this has done out many times before. Totally gross.

He wouldn't be going to any sexual health clinic if he didn't have a need to.....

Just think that through when making your decision.

Only you can decide if you'll be happier with or without him. Strangers on the Internet can all tell you to call it a day, but only you can weigh that up.

My ex husband did exactly the same thing. Boys trip to Amsterdam, got blind drunk and then ended up in a prostitutes room.
The same as your partner, he claimed to be blind drunk, unable to get it up and ended up just sleeping in there before leaving.
Within minutes of me discovering this, his bags were packed and he was out the door. Divorce quickly followed.

I couldn't believe my husbands story, drunk or not, the intent was there. That was enough for me to end it.

Sorry to add the same sort of message, but yes, this is a deal breaker.

It would absolutely be a deal breaker for me (and vice versa with my partner), however OP, this is your relationship not mine.
You will get a lot of opinions on this forum, but only you know the dynamics of your life and relationship.
Take as much time as you need and talk to a good friend that you can trust.
Sorry you are going through this x

If he's done it once I wouldn't trust that he wouldn't do it again. Drunk or not. I couldn't stay with a guy who did that

He is 58 😂 Jesus when will he grow up?

He didn't sleep with her because he couldn't. He even tried to use your bank card. Cheek for another arse.

Get shot of him the dirty horror

Hang on a minute. On his own account she tried to help him get an erection for an hour? So he remembers that, because he’s telling you? That’s hardly not knowing what he was doing is it? That’s trying very hard to have sex with a prostitute and being compus mentis enough to remember it. Sorry OP, he’s got to go.

I'm not sure penetration is relevant really. He wanted to have sex, he was willing to pay for sex (this indicates to me it's something he's done before, not the first time, it's quite a mental block for many men - who may be willing to have a one night stand). No, I couldn't stay with a man like that. Don't stuff the feelings, OP. It will be tempting to 'forget about it's as time goes on. Time may make the pain more manageable and therefore tempting to let it go, but you should be very VERY angry and have much higher standards for yourself.

As painful as this will be, you need to kick him to the kerb.