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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end my relationship because my partner went on a boys trip and ended up with a prostiture in a hotel...

419 replies

Blackbirdsinginginthedeadofnight · 23/02/2023 12:28

Long story short. I didn't want him to go on the trip as he was away not that long ago, he ignored me and went anyway.

On the first night there he got so drunk he went to a nightclub that he and his friends knew was a place where prostitutes go to meet men. He left the club with a girl and she took him to a hotel. Apparently, he was so drunk he couldn't get it up, and after an hour of her trying he fell asleep and she left. I found out because he tried to pay for the hotel with my bank card that he has in his wallet and I put two and two together.

After an hour or two of me trying to get hold of him to ask what was going on, at which time he blocked my calls, he then called me back and 'confessed' everything.

I confess that I have never had to witness him blind drunk so I can't get a sense of how he may have been but they had been drinking for around 8-9 hours by this point and had been awake for almost 24 hours. Not that it is an excuse but I just want to give a sense of what he may have been like. He claims it was the alcohol and he really didn't know what he was doing and feels utterly ashamed of his actions. He has promised to ditch his 'mates' who are all in their 50's but act like they're 'lads' when on these trips. And he swears he didn't have sex, which I don't believe as I think he is trying to be somewhat honest but is minimising so he's not out and out lying.

I love him very much and am heartbroken at what he has done and don't think I can get past it. It feels like a deal breaker to me but I just wanted other perspectives on it.

Will my life just be filled with distrust if I take him back or can it be gotten over? I've asked him to go to the sexual health clinic for his own safety as much as anyone's, which he has agreed to do. Things were really good in our relationship so there is no real reason he would have done this which makes it even worse in a way.

Please be kind - I'm really hurting right now and would just like some opinions from anyone who may have been through similar. Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Blackbirdsinginginthedeadofnight · 23/02/2023 12:47

ChaToilLeam · 23/02/2023 12:44

Whether he actually had sex or not is irrelevant. He sounds horrible and immature and dishonest.

Your life will be better without him in it, there’s no coming back from this.

BTW - why does he have your bank card? I’d be getting that cancelled quick smart.

It's a bit of a long story but it's his money in my account - he also has an account with the same bank so mixed up the cards. As someone else mentioned above, I wouldn't have known otherwise!

OP posts:
BooCrew · 23/02/2023 12:47

Yes, that is exactly the type of reason you end a relationship. He sounds revolting anyway, but he tried to cheat on you. With a sex worker. Why on earth would you stay with him?

ItsCalledAConversation · 23/02/2023 12:48

God my DH has ended up in some states over the years but a prostitute for sex? Never. I’d probably end up finding out he’d brought her back to give her a bath or a meal or something, drunkenly thinking he could “rescue” her…the attempted sex would be a dealbreaker for me, sorry.

Sidge · 23/02/2023 12:49

It would be a dealbreaker for me that he went with a sex worker whether they had sex or not.

But I don’t for one minute believe she “tried for an hour” before leaving because he couldn’t get an erection. He had some sort of sex with her even if it wasn’t penetrative.

He’s a lying, cheating, sad sack of a man that uses your bank card to pay for his fun. He sounds dreamy….

TicketBoo23 · 23/02/2023 12:50

Sorry posted accidentally.

Generally when people (usually men) claim sex didn't happen with a woman they picked up/hook up/prostitute due to being drunk or choosing not going through with it; they're often lying.

He wasnt too drunk to walk out with her and go to the hotel etc.

Most prostitutes take money up front because many punters would not give it to them after. In fact prostitutes working in flats etc usually take it and give it to another worker or pimp etc who keeps it at the start of the "punt" do the punters don't decide to "reclaim" their money.

It's likely he handed over the money at the start.... Having done so, no prostitute is going to hang around trying to perform sex acts for an hour on a man who's extremely drunk/out of it.

Their work ethic doesn't really work that way

Likewise who's going to do anything about it if she leaves without completing a sex act? He doesn't even know her pimp and didn't get her off a website with a name he can leave a bad review on.

So his story doesn't make much sense.

Eyerollcentral · 23/02/2023 12:51

Blackbirdsinginginthedeadofnight · 23/02/2023 12:47

It's a bit of a long story but it's his money in my account - he also has an account with the same bank so mixed up the cards. As someone else mentioned above, I wouldn't have known otherwise!

Show quote history

I’ve never mixed my cards up with a partner. He shouldn’t have your card at all. Dump him immediately obvs. The best he can come with is I couldn’t get it up and was dead drunk. He sounds dreadful and I suspect this is the tip of the iceberg behaviour wise op.

TicketBoo23 · 23/02/2023 12:52

Blackbirdsinginginthedeadofnight · 23/02/2023 12:47

It's a bit of a long story but it's his money in my account - he also has an account with the same bank so mixed up the cards. As someone else mentioned above, I wouldn't have known otherwise!

Show quote history

People rarely get caught the first and only time they do something.

His mates are a bunch of mid life drinkers partiers and frequenters of sex industry venues by the sounds of it.

BonBon10 · 23/02/2023 12:52

Even if you continued with this relationship you would never 100% trust him again and that's not fair on either of you

Blueberrycreampie · 23/02/2023 12:54

Awful behaviour- please go yourself to the GUM clinic and have a check up. Look after yourself and kick him out!

Whiskeypowers · 23/02/2023 12:55

I could never look at him again.

thaisweetchill · 23/02/2023 12:56

If you hadn't have worked it out with the card would he have told you what happened?

RattlewhenIwalk · 23/02/2023 12:56

What was he doing with your bank card? You might consider cancelling that pronto.

To the point, men don't go with prostitutes when they're any kind of drunk unless they were considering it sober. All booze does is loosen the inhibition (along with his idiot friends I suspect).

If he ditches the friends can you get over it, can you trust him again, will he be prepared to do that for you??

YouJustDoYou · 23/02/2023 12:57

Ah yes, the old "I just couldn't get it up". OP, this is what a lot of them say. They think for some reason the partner will believe such bs when they blatantly slept with the other person.

OrigamiOwls · 23/02/2023 12:57

The trust is gone now OP.
He only didn't (allegedly) have sex because he couldn't get it up. If he could then he'd have had sex. You only caught him (this time?) by chance. There was no chance that he would have told you of his own accord.
This may not be the first time he's done something like this unfortunately...

LadyJ2023 · 23/02/2023 12:59

Find your worth and move on thays disgusting and wether he had sex or not its cheating

Bogofftosomewherehot · 23/02/2023 12:59

Massive deal breaker for me.

FishandChipsarelife · 23/02/2023 13:00

Is he also in his 50s?

MoneyInTheBananaStand · 23/02/2023 13:01

As if this is the first time he's done it 🙄 If so that's some serious bad luck isn't it?

I wouldn't believe his whiskey dick story for a second. He's done this before, and it was only his drunken mistake with a bank card that's clued you in.

Littlebummybums · 23/02/2023 13:01

Take a leaf out of Joe Weatherman’s wife’s book. (Whilst not a prostitute, he was blind drunk).

Bluesgotaclue · 23/02/2023 13:01

I would be thanking the universe he used your card. LTB and get yourself tested!

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 23/02/2023 13:01

His moral compass went out the window when he was pissed, or he doesn't have one and just days the right things when sober.
His choice of friends tells you what fuckwittery he's comfortable with.
He's got some shite going on with his money management.
He's a liar but can show remorse when caught.

Well. Yeah. You'll never be able to relax if you stay with him. Where in earth would the trust ever come from. He's not trust-worthy.

Original poster
Blackbirdsinginginthedeadofnight · 23/02/2023 13:01

FishandChipsarelife · 23/02/2023 13:00

Is he also in his 50s?

He's 58

OP posts:
RustBuck · 23/02/2023 13:01

He cheated on you
With a prostitute
With all his friends knowing
Then he lied about it

Is that someone you want to spend your life with?

That's before you even get to the question of his choice of friends - you can tell lots about people by the company they keep.

justanaveragelass · 23/02/2023 13:02

The issue is not just that he cheated/was willing to cheat. Using prostitutes is sexually exploiting women whether they offer those services or not. Anyone who respected women would not do this. Definitely a deal breaker!

Definitelycross · 23/02/2023 13:03

I'm so sorry. You must be devastated.

I couldn't trust after that for a couple of reasons.

The first that he blocked you from calling him when you found out. You can hear in your post that he is (was) everything to you. There should have been nothing more important than to look after you and your feelings.

Secondly - although he says he couldn't get it up his intention was to do so. And he was with it enough to get a room and remember this.

Personally I would not be able to move past this. My STBXH bought stuff from Lovehoney for his OW out of our joint account (he changed the password so I didn't see). There are certain boundaries that once crossed can't be uncrossed if you know what I mean.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.