To end my relationship because my partner went on a boys trip and ended up with a prostiture in a hotel...

[Blackbirdsinginginthedeadofnight]

Long story short. I didn't want him to go on the trip as he was away not that long ago, he ignored me and went anyway.

On the first night there he got so drunk he went to a nightclub that he and his friends knew was a place where prostitutes go to meet men. He left the club with a girl and she took him to a hotel. Apparently, he was so drunk he couldn't get it up, and after an hour of her trying he fell asleep and she left. I found out because he tried to pay for the hotel with my bank card that he has in his wallet and I put two and two together.

After an hour or two of me trying to get hold of him to ask what was going on, at which time he blocked my calls, he then called me back and 'confessed' everything.

I confess that I have never had to witness him blind drunk so I can't get a sense of how he may have been but they had been drinking for around 8-9 hours by this point and had been awake for almost 24 hours. Not that it is an excuse but I just want to give a sense of what he may have been like. He claims it was the alcohol and he really didn't know what he was doing and feels utterly ashamed of his actions. He has promised to ditch his 'mates' who are all in their 50's but act like they're 'lads' when on these trips. And he swears he didn't have sex, which I don't believe as I think he is trying to be somewhat honest but is minimising so he's not out and out lying.

I love him very much and am heartbroken at what he has done and don't think I can get past it. It feels like a deal breaker to me but I just wanted other perspectives on it.

Will my life just be filled with distrust if I take him back or can it be gotten over? I've asked him to go to the sexual health clinic for his own safety as much as anyone's, which he has agreed to do. Things were really good in our relationship so there is no real reason he would have done this which makes it even worse in a way.

Please be kind - I'm really hurting right now and would just like some opinions from anyone who may have been through similar. Thanks

It doesn't matter if he actually had sex - the intention was there. And use of a prostitute (and the associated misogyny/exploitation) would be a deal breaker for me even if it happened before I got with DH.

Ditch him OP.

It’s grim and you deserve better. This won’t go away either, it will fester for years.

I'm not sure I would necessarily believe him that sex didn't happen. When found out generally never tell the whole truth. They will minimise and downplay it to sound better than it was.

In any case the intent was there and that would be enough for me and many others.

If that’s not a deal breaker then what the heck is? There are too many women on MN who put up with shite (I used to be one but never ever again).

Eeeeewwww. Rank.

Take it from me, it won't be the first time he's gone home with a prostitute. My experience of men that do this is that they are habitual. I work in a male industry and the same offenders go off to these places every time there is a sales meeting or an away trip. They are all married.

If he's agreeing to get checked in a clinic then clearly he had sex with her 😞

You didn’t want him to go away but “he went anyway”…

Imagine this situation occurring again and again, by which time you are fully committed and are stuck at home with young DC, on your own, because he wants time “ with the boys” and you are the nagging wife in the background who is trying to spoil his fun.

That dynamic alone is enough to cut and run, before we even get to any of the other stuff !

You deserve a partner, who is on your team, who thinks you are the best person in the world and feels incredibly lucky that he is able to build a life with you.

You are not currently with that man. Please call on support, see a therapist if possible, and see what you are worth.

I was cheated on in a previous relationship, the first time, and I'm going to quote "they only kissed, he was devastated, called me crying his eyes out, came straight over" [translation: he'd done it in front of a load of people who could have told me, so he thought he'd better get his story in first]

Two years later, out with the lads, he was supposed to come to mine afterwards, called he was on his way about 11 p.m., nothing. Me calling, calling, calling (worried, ha). Finally turned up at mine having, again I'll quote, "Was really drunk so crashed on someone's sofa" [didn't explain why he was missing his underpants though]

Anyway, long story a bit shorter: the first time was my window to leave. After that, he'd tested my boundaries, knew he could push me as being a mug and took advantage to whittle away at my self-confidence so badly that I didn't even break up with him the second time! Plus, he'd clearly been cheating whenever he felt like it/could get away with it. It was an absolutely miserable few years. Took up smoking, always getting sick, so insecure, eating disorder ...

Looking back I can't even recognize myself.

Only you know if you can forgive him, and I mean truly forgive him as in never mention or question him about this again, even when he goes out with friends you're happy to trust him 100% that he won't ever get drunk and repeat it.
If the answer to that is yes then fine stay with him at least you now know what he's capable of.

For me there would be no comeback from this.
He's a grown adult and drunk or otherwise knew exactly what he was doing.

I couldn't even sit and listen to him trying to justify his actions when he'd given little thought about me while trying to shag a prostitute.

I know a lot of guys who are heavy social drinkers and they most certainly DO NOT ‘end up’ soliciting sex workers.

How has your husband gone from not being a big drinker to an all day session with little sleep yet still being lucid enough to engage with a prostitute and take her back to the hotel? And he tried for an hour did he? So not so drunk he passed out after 8-9 hrs drinking then? And when he was ‘trying’ 🤢 did that include penetration or just a load of oral or what. I’m sorry to be so graphic but it’s like he’s expecting some level of sympathy or minimising it’s not bad because he didn’t finish.

Absolute bullshit of a yarn if ever I heard one and he’s a disgusting excuse of a man.

Sorry OP 🌺

Ew ew ew ew.

Has he attempted to apologise? Does he shut you down when you talk about it?

Just curious. I still think he's vile and I'm sorry, I couldn't come back from that.

Think of what else he might have brought back from that trip...

How old are you OP?

Honestly cannot work out why this is even a question.

It’s not like he’s even your husband and you have children together and you’re young and you’ve given up work to raise them blah blah blah… which isn’t a reason to stay, but can make it harder.

He’s just some boyfriend.

The only reason you even don’t have 100% YANBU is because some people vote YABU to mean “YABU to even be asking this question”.

Sorry I missed he’s not even your husband. WTAF.

BIN.

I'd be pretty sure this isn't the first time he's done it.

I understand it’s hard but he clearly has little respect for you. Being drunk isn’t an excuse. You will never trust him to go away again and will always be second guessing his behaviour. Put yourself first and don’t put up with it. Good luck.

If you stay with him

When he is away with his mates, there will always be the question of what is he up to ?

There are better men out there

At least you aren't married so don't have to waste time and money divorcing him.
No randomly starts using prostitutes aged 58.

He’s not husband or even boyfriend material. He needs a more wholesome hobby like cycling or rock climbing. Wouldn’t want to even associate with a man whose hobby was drinking and shagging prostitutes. As Alexa from schitts creek would say Ewwwwww!

So he was apparently so blind drunk that he couldn't get it up, but not so blind drunk as to be able to remember details of everything, or to realise that he was in the shit with you and try to block your calls? It sounds like bullshit to me.

I'm sorry, OP. You must be devastated.

Just an irrelevant point about STI testing. All tests have window periods between picking up an infection ad being able to accurately test for them. They range from 2 weeks up to 3 months. And he would also benefit from having Hepatitis B vaccination if he hasn't already.

I know that's more information for him that you, but in case you did decide to stay in the relationship and sex is a way of trying to reconnect, I'd advise you to avoid it for at least 3 months.

Dealbreaker for me too, sorry

He thinks that saying ' couldn't get it up, didn't have sex, fell asleep' somehow exonerates him... he didn't actually 'do' anything...

It really doesn't, because thats not an hour of a prostitute sat on a chair tapping her fingers waiting is it, thats an hour of foreplay, that he has paid for.

Get rid, he's only told you because his mates all knew and could/would tell you later on. He's likely lying about the no sex anyway, for some bizarre reason many blokes seem to think its just the PIV thats the problem!

It's in the OP "I didn't want him to go on the trip as he was away not that long ago, he ignored me and went anyway."

He didn't care enough about you to not go even after you asked him.

He probably knew this was going to happen and again, didn't care enough about you to prevent it from happening.
It probably happened when he was away the previous time as well.
You wouldn't have found out unless he had mixed up the cards. He wasn't going to tell you.
If you hadn't found out he would have come back and could have given you an STI which shows he doesn't care about your health either.
He tried to minimise everything he has done which is lying and lying by omission. You cannot trust what he says did or didn't happen.
You cannot trust that this is the first time it has happened or that he won't do it again (especially if he gets away with it). All you know is that it is the first time he was caught.
You need an STI check as well (sorry).
He has put you in this situation.

He has broken trust with you.

Things to do:
Cancel the card that he had that was yours.
Give him back the money you had which was his (he doesn't get to "hide" it any more).
Show him the door and shut it behind him when he has gone.
Block him so you go no contact and don't end up torturing yourself over this or have him trying to get you to feel sorry for him.
Reach out to your friends for support.
Hold your head high and know that there are other, nicer people you can now meet.

Don't be afraid of being on your own for a while.

Really sorry this is happening to you.

YANBU

he was planning to buy a woman’s body and use her for sex. The drunkenness is no excuse. He’s disgusting. I’m so sorry