To end my relationship because my partner went on a boys trip and ended up with a prostiture in a hotel...

[Blackbirdsinginginthedeadofnight]

Long story short. I didn't want him to go on the trip as he was away not that long ago, he ignored me and went anyway.

On the first night there he got so drunk he went to a nightclub that he and his friends knew was a place where prostitutes go to meet men. He left the club with a girl and she took him to a hotel. Apparently, he was so drunk he couldn't get it up, and after an hour of her trying he fell asleep and she left. I found out because he tried to pay for the hotel with my bank card that he has in his wallet and I put two and two together.

After an hour or two of me trying to get hold of him to ask what was going on, at which time he blocked my calls, he then called me back and 'confessed' everything.

I confess that I have never had to witness him blind drunk so I can't get a sense of how he may have been but they had been drinking for around 8-9 hours by this point and had been awake for almost 24 hours. Not that it is an excuse but I just want to give a sense of what he may have been like. He claims it was the alcohol and he really didn't know what he was doing and feels utterly ashamed of his actions. He has promised to ditch his 'mates' who are all in their 50's but act like they're 'lads' when on these trips. And he swears he didn't have sex, which I don't believe as I think he is trying to be somewhat honest but is minimising so he's not out and out lying.

I love him very much and am heartbroken at what he has done and don't think I can get past it. It feels like a deal breaker to me but I just wanted other perspectives on it.

Will my life just be filled with distrust if I take him back or can it be gotten over? I've asked him to go to the sexual health clinic for his own safety as much as anyone's, which he has agreed to do. Things were really good in our relationship so there is no real reason he would have done this which makes it even worse in a way.

Please be kind - I'm really hurting right now and would just like some opinions from anyone who may have been through similar. Thanks

"Apparently, he was so drunk he couldn't get it up, and after an hour of her trying he fell asleep and she left"

Bullshit

Sounds a bit like my first husband. Who coincidentally, is on a lads holiday just now. Only difference is that he would have lied and lied, never confessed. These men don't change, I'm afraid. It's a huge deal breaker. He has spent an hour with a prostitute "trying" to have sex, which I imagine includes everything you can think of, bar PIV. I'm so sorry, it's devastating.

There's NO WAY this is the first time he's done such a thing either. It's just the first time you've found out about it.

Nasty. Just plain nasty. He’s a dirty old man.*

@Blackbirdsinginginthedeadofnight genuinely not meaning to be unkind but it’s important that you accept this for what it is.

There would be no coming back from this for me.

*Not that age comes into it - it’s nasty at any age. However it’s important to be honest with yourself - this isn’t an anomaly, this isn’t ‘oh I made such an awful mistake whilst horribly drunk which I truly regret; I can change, I can do better’ which one might (and it’s a BIG might) be able to trust coming from a younger man who actually is regretful and committed to changing his attitudes/behaviour.

He’s 58 for goodness sake. This is who he is. This is who each of his friends is who he hangs out with. He is one of them. It won’t ever change, and you won’t ever be happy.

I think this is very good advice.

The pathetic, drunken cheating isn't even the worst of it. I couldn't share air space with any man who thought it acceptable to rent a woman's body for his own pleasure. She may well have been trafficked, coerced or otherwise vulnerable, and he decided it was OK to pay her to be his wank sock. Ugh.

Get rid of him. And get a sexual health check as well. I'm so sorry

“Will my life just be filled with distrust if I take him back or can it be gotten over?”

• Will you be able to sleep when he goes away overnight on any pretext?
• Will you worry hugely if he is late home?
• Will you find yourself obsessively checking his movements and trying to match them up with his statements?
• Will you worry about STDs whenever you have sex with him without protection?
• Will you find yourself swinging wildly through moods when you are trying to spend relaxing time with him?
• Will you be too ashamed to tell your friends and family?
• Will you end up isolating yourself from friends and family if they ask you to let him go?
• Can you be satisfied that this betrayal will never occur again?
• Will you always wonder what you were lacking?
• Why did he go when you asked him not to?
• Will you be going through his phone and monitoring his behaviour?

I bet it's not the 1st time he has been to a prostitute

Sorry, but what you are looking out for is someone to say they have been in similar situations and carried on the relationship. Then you will link onto that and use it to justify staying with a dirty piece of filth. Is your opinion of yourself so low???

OP I can't believe this is even a question. If you don't break up with him, he will know that this is acceptable behaviour. It will happen again.

You have every right to end the relationship or try and work through it, only you know the full details, your partner and yourself. There's no shame in either decision so long as you're doing what it is best for you.

Strangers on the internet can hand hold, but cannot make the decision for you.

Oh dear god, I'm so sorry OP. I think you know the answer very well. Sending you hugs. It sucks. He sucks.

It’s gross in itself that he admitted to an hour of ‘trying.’

Why would he have money in your account when he has his own and why was your card not in your wallet, or does he go in your purse to get your card. It's irresponsible to let someone else have your card and PIN, no matter who it is. It contravenes the terms under which cards are issued.

What an image.

how Horrible, I am so sorry this has happened to you. I think only you can know how to proceed. Has he got the first plane home? what is he saying now? Did he have to confess? Or could he have lied and got away with it?
you know your husband, you must judge if this is very out of character etc. it’s a hard one to forgive though. I hope you make the right choice for you.

If you keep him after this shit you’ll set the bar of how much you’ll tolerate in a relationship in the future.
I would kick him out. He sounds like a daft teenager. Immature idiot.

I'm 43

I have a friend who is a counsellor who gave another friend some really good insight in how to break something like this down...it doesn't start and end with the action (or lack of in this case). It start with the intent. When he chose to go and ignored your feelings, when he chose to get drunk, when he chose to speak to a woman, bring her back, tried to have sex....then it continues when he chose to ignore your calls.

At no point in this whole thing did he consider you!

How old are you OP? How long have you been in a relationship with this person? And has anything like this happened before, as far as you know?

If you're also in your 50's, have been together 20 years or more, and nothing like this has happened before, then I'd be more inclined to take your time to carefully consider what happens next. People can be forgiven, and are, all the time, and for worse things.

If you're younger, the relationship is newer and this or similar has happened before, then ending the relationship as soon as you can is likely the kindest thing you can do for yourself in the long run.

I know your head is in a spin at the moment but please don't take him back, you would be humiliating yourself. You will be the woman whose partner fucked (or tried to fuck) a prostitute, and you would welcome him back. Please don't do that to yourself, don't let yourself be that person with so little self respect.

You call him your partner. Are you married? Do you live together?

Grim, I couldn't come back from this, it would be over.

DD is 19 and works as cabin crew ...... she recently had a group of men in their 50s on her flight, on a lads trip behaving appallingly. Vile comments and trying to grope her and her colleagues. Pathetic excuses for men.

I'd cut my loses and dump him.

Ditch him and don’t look back.