To end my relationship because my partner went on a boys trip and ended up with a prostiture in a hotel...

[Blackbirdsinginginthedeadofnight]

Long story short. I didn't want him to go on the trip as he was away not that long ago, he ignored me and went anyway.

On the first night there he got so drunk he went to a nightclub that he and his friends knew was a place where prostitutes go to meet men. He left the club with a girl and she took him to a hotel. Apparently, he was so drunk he couldn't get it up, and after an hour of her trying he fell asleep and she left. I found out because he tried to pay for the hotel with my bank card that he has in his wallet and I put two and two together.

After an hour or two of me trying to get hold of him to ask what was going on, at which time he blocked my calls, he then called me back and 'confessed' everything.

I confess that I have never had to witness him blind drunk so I can't get a sense of how he may have been but they had been drinking for around 8-9 hours by this point and had been awake for almost 24 hours. Not that it is an excuse but I just want to give a sense of what he may have been like. He claims it was the alcohol and he really didn't know what he was doing and feels utterly ashamed of his actions. He has promised to ditch his 'mates' who are all in their 50's but act like they're 'lads' when on these trips. And he swears he didn't have sex, which I don't believe as I think he is trying to be somewhat honest but is minimising so he's not out and out lying.

I love him very much and am heartbroken at what he has done and don't think I can get past it. It feels like a deal breaker to me but I just wanted other perspectives on it.

Will my life just be filled with distrust if I take him back or can it be gotten over? I've asked him to go to the sexual health clinic for his own safety as much as anyone's, which he has agreed to do. Things were really good in our relationship so there is no real reason he would have done this which makes it even worse in a way.

Please be kind - I'm really hurting right now and would just like some opinions from anyone who may have been through similar. Thanks

Same. I found out my DP went to lap dancers when he went on a stag after swearing he wouldn't go.

Found out on the wedding day of the couple when his friends slipped up over the meal. I had to let it go as didn't want to cause a scene but it's in the back of my mind.

He lied to me when he got home saying he hadn't gone when the others had. Burns me up thinking about it that he's had a lap dance from someone and obvs wanted her.

@Novatherova I understand you not bringing that up on the wedding day of friends, but why haven't you discussed it since?

Who said anything about talking? His own version is that the prostitute tried to help him get it up for an hour. I doubt that revolved around talking.

It was years ago now.

He knew I wasn't happy but I decided to let it go. I had a alot of stuff going on over the subsequent years. I couldn't be bothered with the upset etc.

I dont think it would have the same effect on me now. I wouldn't be over the moon but I wouldn't have a full blown eruption.

Agreed. They go back to being childish school boys who have never seen boobs before.

Pathetic

It would be the end of the relationship for me.

OP- think what he must have been doing for an hour with the prostitute. I doubt he was fending her off and telling her to leave him alone. More likely several kinds of sexual acts were taking place. He may not have had penetrative sex (not sure I'd believe that) or may not have been able to maintain penetrative sex long enough, but there was certainly lots of different sexual contact taking place.

I'd be making him pack his bags- he's not a decent person.

She will have been paid whether he got it up or not. What an idiot. I think I'd lose all respect for him.His drinking too much, his choice of friends, the prostitute and to add insult to injury he tried to get you to pay for it !
Has he been on these men's trips before ? Is this a recurrent thing ?

This guy sure has a high opinion of himself .... So secure in the 30 something woman he's got himself (at nearly 60) that he's off on "lads" trips when she'd prefer he doesn't go, and then while in then is happily joining his mates in clubs full of prostitutes and taking one back to a hotel.

He thinks he deserves a woman nearly half his age, and sex with other women on the side while he's away too.

Some men sure don't suffer from lack of ego and entitlement, do they.

Also the strategic, convenient "incompetence" when away in these trips is notable... . Middle aged men who are presumably alright at managing the rest if theyr lives, finances, job, lookibg after themselves - painting themselves as gormless, dependant, incompetent, vulnerable , lost little boys when off on lads trips ..... Who can't limit their alcohol intake or be responsible for themselves, or look after themselves or adult in any way.

How very convenient.

They're not so incompetent they forget to keep it all to themselves .... Unless they've taken and used their partners bank card by accident of course.

And in a pack like that they egg each other on, all becoming Jack the lad, going for higher and higher bets and dares and probably dances.

One thing I've observed is that the men who are having lao dances, going for sex acts etc. want/need the others to do so too. Because if they don't, they have cheated and it could be reported (people talk) while certain men have not ..... But if everyone does it, everyone had cheated and noone is going home "safe" and able to blab.
It's to make sure everyone needs to keep it secret.

In this case, it's somewhat irrelevant however because this man is claiming his mates left him and that's why he was dependent (!) on a prostitute on the club to get home etc.

Even though he didn't go back "home" to their accommodation; he booked into another hotel with her (and that's how he got caught).

I should add they also encourage everyone to do the same because that normalises it too; it can't be that "bad", if everyone's doing it, right.

He was apparently too drunk to have sex, but not that drunk that he managed to block you and pay for a hotel room, amongst everything else.

I went to a male lap dancing club after I found out my partner had had a 'table" dance in a strip club.

He knew about it and his discomfort was priceless.
I didn't tell the full details (and he didn't ask) - some male strippers go OTT.

Men would never do this shit if they were having it done back to them. It's only ok cause it's them doing it.

I agree. We are actually engaged (few months ago) and I've been planning our wedding.

I'm going to benidorm on my honeymoon. I'd love to say I'd get a dance but I would die. Plus my mum in law is going and my sisters/aunts. I'd be uncomfortable

I’m not sure if I’d tell the wives what their husbands do without any proof. But I’d tell them exactly what your partner did and let them work it out for themselves.

so you've never seen him blind drunk, he goes out with 'mates' who act like teenagers and egg each other on.
You just happened to catch him this time. What about the others?

Op, my ex husband cheated on me. I could never forgive him, so I ended it. It was the hardest thing to do but there was no coming back from it, so it was kinder to both of us to end it. I didn't want to spend the rest of my life resenting him, and weirdly I felt bad for letting him think there was a chance we could work.

I'm sorry this happened to you.

Do you mean your hen do?

If you're not comfortable doing it in front of your mil, aunt's etc. - you could have a separate mates only small hen do and get a stripper. Done will come to apartments etc if you don't want to do it in public.

Or go to a show where the dancers are told you're on a hen do so you're one of ones picked for a "dance". But that's usually in front of everyone. Ateotd those things are more about fun and a laugh. They're not remotely equivalent to a private dance or even "public" dance in a strip club.

The club I went too, now closed down unfortunately, was a once a fortnight thing with a floor show; but then a lap dancing, private dance thing upstairs. That was more similar to a private "dance".

(just to make it clear, it was a male strio show and male lap dancing club .... Wasn't easy to find and i don't know what there is equivalent in the UK now).

Ateotd your partner did that behind your back and you only found out incidentally (?)
Even if he knows he's going to get similar behaviour back from you, he might just do it again and make sure his mates don't blab again. It might not stop him because he's not honest about it anyway.

So glad you’re independent of him OP. You’re obviously clever, hard working and sounds like a strong woman to have got this far. I really hope you decide to leave him. We don’t need to tell you what to do as his behaviour displays he’s a wrong ‘un!

I wouldn’t get involved with the other’s wives. Good luck with moving on, you’ve got this!!

😂how can they place men as head of the household if they’re so weak and easily led by women?!

Hes an absolute skank OP, I’m glad you’re getting shot of him

So the adultery is not okay, for obvious reasons.
We have no idea why the prostitute is doing what she does, but as a home wrecker, its okay if she's poor and needs food or is working for a pimp.
Is it still okay if she's a student working her way through university, and providing a better life for her child than her fellow single mums?
Or is prostitution always fine, and their clients always bad?

The thing is these same men would hit the roof if their partners/ wives did the same thing.

This thread drips with hypocracy.
Adultery is always wrong, no matter who is committing adultery.
Homewrecking is always wrong no matter who is the homewrecker.

I cannot see any sutuation in which it is acceptable for a man or a woman to cheat on their partner, ever.

I know its not related directly to OP's issue - The answer to which is leave the idiot. You will never trust him, and he will never never be fithful, but I'm sure he'll put on the waterworks and do a good bit of begging. - But, running comparisons over a slew of different threads over the past six months, it appears as though the general etic of the majority of MNers is, its okay to cheat if you are in a cold relationship and need the boost to leave, provided you are female, and its okay to cheat if you have a high sex drive and DP has no sex drive, and you're female, and its okay to cheat if you really need it and you're a crisis later in life, if you're female.

But, its not okay for a man in a cold relationship to have an affair, nor is it okay for a man with a high sex drive to sleep with a colleague if DP has no interest in sex.

The idea that the consensus generally is that its okay for women but not okay for men is why we will never have equality in society. Why can we not have a set of moral and ethical values and hold both sexes to the same standard? Surely that would be preferable? Or is the sexism preferable because it is what we are comfortable with?