To end my relationship because my partner went on a boys trip and ended up with a prostiture in a hotel...

[Blackbirdsinginginthedeadofnight]

Long story short. I didn't want him to go on the trip as he was away not that long ago, he ignored me and went anyway.

On the first night there he got so drunk he went to a nightclub that he and his friends knew was a place where prostitutes go to meet men. He left the club with a girl and she took him to a hotel. Apparently, he was so drunk he couldn't get it up, and after an hour of her trying he fell asleep and she left. I found out because he tried to pay for the hotel with my bank card that he has in his wallet and I put two and two together.

After an hour or two of me trying to get hold of him to ask what was going on, at which time he blocked my calls, he then called me back and 'confessed' everything.

I confess that I have never had to witness him blind drunk so I can't get a sense of how he may have been but they had been drinking for around 8-9 hours by this point and had been awake for almost 24 hours. Not that it is an excuse but I just want to give a sense of what he may have been like. He claims it was the alcohol and he really didn't know what he was doing and feels utterly ashamed of his actions. He has promised to ditch his 'mates' who are all in their 50's but act like they're 'lads' when on these trips. And he swears he didn't have sex, which I don't believe as I think he is trying to be somewhat honest but is minimising so he's not out and out lying.

I love him very much and am heartbroken at what he has done and don't think I can get past it. It feels like a deal breaker to me but I just wanted other perspectives on it.

Will my life just be filled with distrust if I take him back or can it be gotten over? I've asked him to go to the sexual health clinic for his own safety as much as anyone's, which he has agreed to do. Things were really good in our relationship so there is no real reason he would have done this which makes it even worse in a way.

Please be kind - I'm really hurting right now and would just like some opinions from anyone who may have been through similar. Thanks

Nobody on that thread said it was 'ok' for her to sleep with another man. It was a cautionary tale about the cost of cheating on a long term partner.

If you HAVE been together for a number of years but this is the first time it's he's been caught

There.

Fixed that for you.

Think of it this way OP. There must have been some sort of stripping down and some sort of foreplay either by hand or mouth when he then couldn't get it up because he was drunk. Someone else's hand and or mouth has perhaps been on him. There's no coming back from that. He's been monumentally stupid.

If he was capable of blocking your number and booking a hotel room he wasn't too drunk to know what he was doing.

^ This! more red flags than a communist parade!

If he's been out or away with these guys before, they've been at the sane shit - I'd put money on it.

First time he fucked up by mixing up bank cards and using yours.

But not the first time at it

@SimplySeb I know the thread you are talking about. No one thought the husband shouldn't have left his wife who had an affair. Nobody thought what she had done was OK and many called her out on her deflection. Some people were sympathetic to her - but only because she realised how terribly she had behaved and was genuinely sorry.

When will young women ever realise most separated and divorced guys are no good.

There's rarely a good reason they ended up single, when most men their are are still with their wives & mothers of their children.

And as I said, the only good ones I know got together with women close to their own age, their peers, same life stage; not significantly younger women.

I don't know why young women throw themselves away on these sleazy ol' codgers... cause they can bullshit well presumably.

Putting aside this particular episode - what is the relationship like in general?

You say you didn’t want him to go on the trip at all but he went any way - which sounds like there are already issues?

I thought he would be late teens early twenties and was shocked that he’s do much older than he acts.

Boys holidays are fine and they are going to act a bit more silly and carefree than they would at home, just like a girls holiday would.
But them acting SO childish would give me the ick.

He seems to be blaming the alcohol and his friends which would annoy me more because he needs to accept responsibility.

It also gives me the ick that these middle aged men have gone specifically to a club full of prostitutes and they obviously went there for a reason.
And I guarantee this isn’t the first time either.

For me personally, the fact that she was a prostitute is irrelevant and the fact that he was too drunk to have sex is irrelevant.

Whether you forgive him is entirely your choice but every lads holiday is going to be stressful as you’re going to assume he’s out there cheating.

That’s so awful for you.

Been very happily married 35 years. I honestly don’t think it would ever enter my husbands head to use a prostitute. It’s just not in his character. He wouldn’t have gone to the bar with those sorts of people in the first place.

If he had, we’d be over. You’re worth more.

Op isn't forgiving him by the looks of it and thank fuck.

IME this type never changes, last time I bumped into one I know, he was talking about holidays to Thailand. Ewwww.

You will never trust him again.
While he is in the depths of remorse, he will swear off the nights out, but how long can that last?
Also the fact that she tried for an hour to arouse him? He can't even claim it was a moment of madness, that he was swept away by passion (not that that would be any excuse)
Best description for the whole episode is sordid, and you deserve much better.

Red flags everywhere on this one & trust is GONE 😔
I’d be very, very concerned about catching something from him after his ‘night of passion’ & I wouldn’t even trust him to go to the Sexual health clinic alone because he could just lie about it.

The cheeky attitude he has to agreeing to things as a couple is not good either!
He wants to behave like a singleton so let him be one.
If he really respects & loves you the way he behaves in the weeks & months after the break up will let you know if you made the right choice or not!

You know I never thought of that before.

I will now!

The group obviously goes away in order to do this, booze and ex thing. It is the reason for the trip, not a by-product of the trip.

Yup.

Some of them throw in a bit of sport or sport spectating as well. You wouldn't want to spend the entire time drinking, coking and having sex with gang run, impoverished girls young enough to be your daughter.

Hi Things can never be the same if he has done this
Drunk or not.
He knew where he was going and only told you when it came up on your Credit Card.
You need to dump him and think that you are better than this
i wouldn’t be crying either
he isn’t worth it
move on and get a guy who loves you and respects you

Near 60 year old men going to nightclubs to pick up prostitutes. Sound like creepy perverts. He is most definitely not someone I would want to be with. I wouldn't even want to be associated with him and his friends whom appear to support the of abuse and sexual exploitation of women. And at 58 I doubt this is the first time for any of them. Ditch him, you deserve better.

only told you when it came up on your Credit Card.

If it was only a hotel booking, I'm very surprised he didn't make up some BS story about being forced to book extra accommodation for the night because of ... Snoring, insomnia, them leaving him and him not able to find his way back to their original accommodation in his own blah blah.

He must have absolutely panicked, maybe in a still drunk haze, or thought you'd find out about the prostitute some other way.

I’m going to go against the grain here, OP, and say only you can really decide what to do. It’s very easy to proclaim LTB on here, but that doesn’t mean it’s your only option. I honestly have no idea what I would do in your shoes — lots of crying, I expect, and feeling appalled and hurt and a million other things besides — but I do know that I’ve done things when drunk that I’ve massively regretted the next day. I also think it will take you time to process all this and personally, I’d suggest waiting before making a decision (unless you’re 100% sure, that is, that you want him gone). I’d also recommend seeing a counsellor so you can talk to someone about it in a safe space.

@TicketBoo23 he knows I am not stupid! Some of his 'so-called' friends told him he should lie or come up with some elaborate story but he apparently told them he wouldn't lie as I would see straight through it. I still believe he is minimising though. It is possible he couldn't maintain his erection but I'm pretty sure he could have got it up, at least for long enough to get his money's worth! Thankfully, I found out before I ever had to touch him again.

I'm sorry this happened to you same thing happened to my friend when she was in her mid 20s. She attempted to work on things he somehow convinced her that because he hadn't had sex (couldnt get it up apparently) it was worth another chance.......then turns out he had done it more then once!

She told his mum what he had been up to (they were engaged) and she never looked back it's the beat thing she ever did as hard as it was to walk away.

You will be far better and happier then trying to hold onto something with such broken trust

This is my feeling exactly. I realise this is hard for you OP, but if I were in your position for me this would be the end. No explanations, no saying he didn't know what he was doing etc. He would be on his way with my foot up his backside and very probably a black eye where I'd smacked him one. You deserve better.

I can yell by your posts your are funny and clever. You dont need this limp, flaccid loser. get rid of him.

They sound like a type.

Not a type you want to be partnered up with.

You're lucky, you have no ties - the house is in your name I think you said.

As I mentioned, I think his ex wife could probably tell you a thing or two. Women in her position never say anything because they know, even if they had the opportunity, that it will be declared to be bitterness, jealousy, sour grapes, sabotage etc. That's the position women who were married to men like him are put in. They just have to wait for his characte to show, if it does.

I don’t understand what you would need to end it
going to a room with a prostitute - end it
going on a lads holidays and blocking / slash ignoring you - end it
the lack of respect - end it

trying to have sex with someone else - end it

so there you have at least 4 break ups from me