To end my relationship because my partner went on a boys trip and ended up with a prostiture in a hotel...

[Blackbirdsinginginthedeadofnight]

Long story short. I didn't want him to go on the trip as he was away not that long ago, he ignored me and went anyway.

On the first night there he got so drunk he went to a nightclub that he and his friends knew was a place where prostitutes go to meet men. He left the club with a girl and she took him to a hotel. Apparently, he was so drunk he couldn't get it up, and after an hour of her trying he fell asleep and she left. I found out because he tried to pay for the hotel with my bank card that he has in his wallet and I put two and two together.

After an hour or two of me trying to get hold of him to ask what was going on, at which time he blocked my calls, he then called me back and 'confessed' everything.

I confess that I have never had to witness him blind drunk so I can't get a sense of how he may have been but they had been drinking for around 8-9 hours by this point and had been awake for almost 24 hours. Not that it is an excuse but I just want to give a sense of what he may have been like. He claims it was the alcohol and he really didn't know what he was doing and feels utterly ashamed of his actions. He has promised to ditch his 'mates' who are all in their 50's but act like they're 'lads' when on these trips. And he swears he didn't have sex, which I don't believe as I think he is trying to be somewhat honest but is minimising so he's not out and out lying.

I love him very much and am heartbroken at what he has done and don't think I can get past it. It feels like a deal breaker to me but I just wanted other perspectives on it.

Will my life just be filled with distrust if I take him back or can it be gotten over? I've asked him to go to the sexual health clinic for his own safety as much as anyone's, which he has agreed to do. Things were really good in our relationship so there is no real reason he would have done this which makes it even worse in a way.

Please be kind - I'm really hurting right now and would just like some opinions from anyone who may have been through similar. Thanks

I haven't seen the age difference, but it sounds like you're a good bit younger?

I always smh at these ol' geezers who manage to pull younger women (usually cause they have a bit of game/can schmooze) but are stillmoff cheating on them & fucking around when they get the chance.

Older men who are back on the dating market, single are often separated or divorced cause they cheated on their wives as well.

Do your self a favour and don't spend anymore time thinking this one through. Just get rid of him.

He’s completely betrayed you. Doesn’t matter how drunk he was, the intention was there. Dumping his mates and making promises is way too little, much too late. Please find the strength to dump him and find someone worthy of you, because he isn’t, otherwise he would never have got himself into this situation, let alone tried to lie his way out of it.

I'm going to get flamed for this but I don't know any divorced or separated men with youngef partners who are any good.

They are usually divorced or separated cause they're a certain type, and they usually go after younger women (and can schmooze them) cause they're a certain type.

The few decent divorced or separated men I know who remarried/got into Ltrs; did so with women close to their own age.

I do completely agree.
But it is amazing to read this thread alongside another current MN thread a woman had an affair, left her husband, divorced him, and then 2 years later is chasing to get him back having wrecked his life, and blaiming it all on menopause.
So why the double standards on MN?
Why is it acceptable for a woman to have an affsir and divorce her husband and everyone thinks its fine because she had a menopausal reaction, but a man sleeping with a prostiute is such a vile thing?
Is it because prostitutes are dirty?
Do we condone prostitution for women who genuinely have no other way of feeding their children?
Is it because the guy has no self control when he's intoxicated and slept with another women?
And why is it okay for a woman to sleep with a man when she is menopausal?
Is it that we read the story and then say this is how I'd feel if I was in this situation?
So we read a story about a guy cheating with a prosttute and we feel we would be outraged.
And we read a story about a menopausal woman having an affair and devircing her husband and then having regrets and eding that relationship, and we think how would we feel if we had done that, and we feel sorry for her and need to send her sympathy?
I realise that maybe none of the posters here have seen the other thread, but I just don't get the double standards here?
Could someone explain?

It would be over for me as he knew going on that trip and lots of people get drunk without paying for sex. He cannot be trusted and you will lose all of your confidence and self respect if you stay with him. Move on and have time to yourself and be free from him as he will only drag you down. He is gross and imagine if you did not know about it. He has probably done it before and will do it again as that seems to be what him and his pals do. I would be telling all those other partners of his friends to get tested.

Menopause, the hormonal shifts and the effects on the brain can cause significant MH problems, as has been tragically illustrated this week.

That's why she's being given a bit of leeway

Are you saying this guy forgot to take his hrt?

Anyway plenty of ppl laid into that poster and saud she was only sorry cause her new relationship didnt work out and her h was wouldn't have her back and was moving away.

If he was capable of blocking your number and booking a hotel room he wasn't to drunk to know what he was doing. Also the fact in the space of an hour or 2 he didn't once think this isn't OK. He also willingly went to this club knowing full well what type of club it was. Drunken mistakes are usually quick and have little thought not full planned out evenings.

@SimplySeb

Are you a bloke?

Forums aimed atbabd dominated by one sex will frustrate you sooner or later, I no longer frequent a male dominated forum I used to ... Because of this very phenomena. It's the way it is unfortunately.

He also willingly went to this club knowing full well what type of club it was.

Ime - men who frequent places like that don't do it as a one off. That's what they do when out of sight of their partners.

OP,

You sound lovely.

I try to not to be too judgy but men who use prostitutes are just scum.

He's scum and his friends are utter scum, which tells you a lot.

Like hanging out with like.

Do you really want to live your life socialising with the dregs of society?

Because that is his class...the utter dregs class.

You are far to good for him.

15 years older than you?

Don't throw your life away being a nurse with a purse for a really dirty old man.
🤢🤮.

He just isn't good enough for you, his whole circle isn't.

I'm so sorry.

Why is it acceptable for a woman to have an affsir and divorce her husband and everyone thinks its fine because she had a menopausal reaction, but a man sleeping with a prostiute is such a vile thing?

Because the om was not vulnerable or potentially exploited and fully, truly consented.

The same cannot be said if many prostitutes.

Does that actually need explained to you.

Is it because prostitutes are dirty?"

Are you serious.

With a few (insane) exceptions, women on here don't blame prostitutes for anything; we blame the punters.

Many prostitutes would not choose sex work if they had other feasible options .... But even if they truly choose it (which is rare, especially in developing countries, deprived regions, regions with gangs, among communitues from those regions relocated to the UK) ..... It's the punters who are cheating on their partners, not them.

Point is you can almost never be sure they have truly chosen it. And the vast vast majority of punters don't care about that.

You cannot buy true consent - end of story.

This is what I thought to. He's trying to come up with a realistic version of a story where he didn't sleep with a prostitute but she'd still have expected payment even if he couldn't get it up. I think he paid her and that's why he needed your card to pay the room.

They're like pack animals - it's disgusting. My Partner has two Daughters, 22 and 27. I can't for the life of me work out why he did what he did or would condone or be friends with other people who do this! He has blamed them for taking him there and then leaving him ffs! Pathetic I know!

How long have you been together? If we are talking months rather than years then this is an indication he is "not perfect" and should be dumped.
If you HAVE been together for a number of years but this is the first time it's ever happened, then consider your options carefully.
I've known men friends that have gotten so drunk they have ZERO memory of what the did until others told them, so don't assume it's just a story or an excuse.
Judge how he has treated you up to this point, if it has more minuses than pluses then your path forward is clear.

Do we condone prostitution for women who genuinely have no other way of feeding their children?

We condone it for any reason.

The fact remains that it's a sad, shit situation that a woman should have to let strange men she doesn't actually want to have sex with penetrate her etc .. to feed her children. Maybe we feel resources and efforts should be concentrated on preventing such lack of choice. Maybe we hate the men who, instead of doing that, just exploit their deprivation and desperation in the worst way possible.

I bet their mother had a few tales she could tell you.

@SimplySeb the woman who had an affair broke a promise. not great. not condoning it, but the person she had sex with consented.

A man who uses prostitutes is a rapist. Won't be condemned or sentenced as one due to our patriarchal misogynistic society, but morally that's what he is, because consent cannot be bought. any payment is just coercive control and repellent abuse.

I'm really sorry, but men who have sex with prostitutes are scumbags and you're better than that. Please get rid of him and find someone who deserves you.

It will break your heart but you need to get rid of him, he can’t blame his friends when he entered the hotel room with her not them, you will always worry every time he goes out, I don’t think there’s any coming back from this, if you didn’t find out you could have ended up with a sexual disease, I know he says he didn’t do anything but can you truly believe him?

The only reason he did not have sex was because he physically could not. The intention was there and if he had been able to get it up he would undoubtedly have had sex with her. Dealbreaker.

Dump him like the steaming sack of dog-do he is. He sounds like an utter plank. Imagine your future - every day you’d have that nagging feeling that he might be cheating on you. Every time he went out, you’d be unsure whether he was where he said he’d be, with whom he said he’d be with. You deserve a grown up who has his sh*t together - not some daft wannabe teenager. I would consider whether it’s possible to still love someone who could betray you like that. I’m sorry you’re going through this. His behaviour is a reflection if him, and him alone. It has nothing to do with you. I’m willing to bet he’d behave the exact same way of you were someone else.

he can’t blame his friends when he entered the hotel room with her not them

Exactly.

Plus he's scraping the BS barrel with "they took me there and just left me, so I had no choice but to leave with a prostitute'".

What you could leave with a prostitute and go to a hotel with her and pay for it, but you couldn't tip someone at the club to get you a taxi and go back to your accommodation, or just get a taxi in the street etc etc.
You were completely dependent on a foreign prostitute... A 50 something adult man and parent who probably travels regularly.

Abd even if you were, you could have paid her to get you a taxi, or help you get home and given her some money. If you could pay for a hotel with her, you could pay her to help you get home. Did you need to go to a hotel with her and get naked and spend however long trying to fuck (or whatever) . ..umm, no.