To end my relationship because my partner went on a boys trip and ended up with a prostiture in a hotel...

[Blackbirdsinginginthedeadofnight]

Long story short. I didn't want him to go on the trip as he was away not that long ago, he ignored me and went anyway.

On the first night there he got so drunk he went to a nightclub that he and his friends knew was a place where prostitutes go to meet men. He left the club with a girl and she took him to a hotel. Apparently, he was so drunk he couldn't get it up, and after an hour of her trying he fell asleep and she left. I found out because he tried to pay for the hotel with my bank card that he has in his wallet and I put two and two together.

After an hour or two of me trying to get hold of him to ask what was going on, at which time he blocked my calls, he then called me back and 'confessed' everything.

I confess that I have never had to witness him blind drunk so I can't get a sense of how he may have been but they had been drinking for around 8-9 hours by this point and had been awake for almost 24 hours. Not that it is an excuse but I just want to give a sense of what he may have been like. He claims it was the alcohol and he really didn't know what he was doing and feels utterly ashamed of his actions. He has promised to ditch his 'mates' who are all in their 50's but act like they're 'lads' when on these trips. And he swears he didn't have sex, which I don't believe as I think he is trying to be somewhat honest but is minimising so he's not out and out lying.

I love him very much and am heartbroken at what he has done and don't think I can get past it. It feels like a deal breaker to me but I just wanted other perspectives on it.

Will my life just be filled with distrust if I take him back or can it be gotten over? I've asked him to go to the sexual health clinic for his own safety as much as anyone's, which he has agreed to do. Things were really good in our relationship so there is no real reason he would have done this which makes it even worse in a way.

Please be kind - I'm really hurting right now and would just like some opinions from anyone who may have been through similar. Thanks

Get rid of the fucker, you deserve SO much more! Be strong! What would you tell a friend if they were in this situation? I’m guessing he would be ditch the twat!

*meant it would be ditch the twat

@Blackbirdsinginginthedeadofnight Forgot to say you are still young, Do not spend the rest of your life with this arse.
Re the other wives, Dad on the business trip knew one of the wives well- But figured it best not to tell her… However, she found out via catching an STI.

'Bye, Frosty.'
'Door. Go through it.'
'What a stupid man you are. Goodbye.'

Any of those. Or something similar. There's no coming back from this.

I agree, you sound really nice!

Ditch him, turn the house into your dream house and live happily ever after

He’s got memory. He’s told her about it. When he was caught out and had to say something.

He has betrayed you. Value yourself. Dump him immediately.

Leave him. If he loved and respected you he wouldn’t have done that. I should take my own advice and do them same. I will one day.

He would have paid before she started. He would have if he could have got an erection. Sorry.

Funnily enough this exact scenario happened on a stag my husband went on - he said during a night out at a club a group of about 6 or 7 of the guys disappeared off then reappeared a couple of hours later. Groom told my husband that it was an open secret on every stag/lads holiday they would go off and get blowies from sex workers. I know a lot of the wives (not well) but have never said anything. These are all well off, good looking, well educated men in their early/mid 30s. Repulsive.

Your partner is 58 and went on a boys trip!
It’s time he grew up OP, it’s the sort of thing a drunk nineteen year old might do.
I feel so sorry for you that he’s has done this, but you know yourself it’s disgusting, no wonder he feels ashamed, so he should!
I can’t see any way back.

It's a particular type of mentality, men either have it or don't.

It doesn't change.

You are bright and can survive financially.
Get yourself a check up.
Get some counselling, then love and trust again.
You deserve the best and he’s not the best. I’m not sure about disclosing what others do, their wives will be aware.
Enjoy your life, you don’t deserve this worry and lack of respect.
Wishing you a positive loving future with someone else who deserves you.

Yes take your broken wings and learn to fly....

You can do better.

Omg! OP, you are a complete stranger to me but hun, you deserve so much better! What a complete and utter arsehole he is!!!

I'm so sorry OP. You deserve way way better than this.

I doubt very much this was the first time he did this tbh. It was just the first time he got caught enough that he had to confess.

Jesus. What a loser!

Glad you've chucked him out OP, he deserves nothing less, and your self respet will thank you for it.

You know its all very bleak.
There is a reason You didn't want him to go. You don't trust him. You were right. Listen to your instincts the guys a dog. Get rid

His story is dodgy.

How do you know he was very drunk?

How do you know he couldn't get it up?

What sex worker would try for an hour before giving up?

I think the truth is that he had full sex.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It must feel like a complete betrayal when he knew you didn't want him to go and then he cheated on you whilst away. Because if the prostitute tried to get him hard for sex then he has cheated on you. Leaving the club to go back to a hotel with her he'd already cheated on you. Would he have told you if he hadn't been an idiot and tried to use your bank card? Almost certainly not. I couldn't be with a man who thinks paying for sex is in any way acceptable. It speaks to his lack of respect for you and for women in general. The drunk mind speaks the sober truth. He's told you. Listen to him and leave.

You sound smart, successful and witty. You definitely don’t need to put yourself in a position where you need to be the one working on forgiveness and trust in order to try to undo the damage that he caused. Why should you have to try to find ways to block out visions of him struggling to get erect for an hour and ruining your own sex life in the process?! Why should you have to be the one having to try to repress your mistrust in him? Better to just be with a man that you don’t have to do that with! I’d be kicking him out too.

No doubt it’s difficult for you to get your head around because you can’t comprehend how a secure long term relationship can be destroyed by such utter stupidity by someone you thought you knew so well. It’s shocking behaviour to anyone who doesn’t know him, so it’s understandable that you’d try to make some sense out of it. What explanation could there be for why a man his age would do such such appalling things when they have a partner?

I guess the thing is that no matter which reasons you attribute it to - alcohol, peer pressure, whatever - it doesn’t undo the way that your feelings for him and your trust in him can never be the same. He’s a man who cheats with prostitutes and that’s not the sort of partner for you.

He’ll regret this forever, no doubt, but I personally don’t believe for a second that all it takes for wonderful men to take prostitutes back to hotel rooms is less than a full day of drinking. Deep down, that was acceptable temptation for him and he gave into it entirely. You can do so much better.

Time to let him go, OP. You deserve a lot better than this.

I don’t think this is a person with character or integrity.

I'd think it unlikely this is the first time.

I wonder how many trafficked women he and his friends have raped over the years.